Yesterday, I went to the town, and the town was blocked: there were a lot of stalls, a lot of people, and a lot of cars, showing a lively atmosphere everywhere, which made people involuntarily infected and happy.
But without me among these people, I never felt that the New Year was a happy thing, and even I felt that the New Year was full of fear and torture.
01
When I was a child, I also had expectations, thinking that the New Year would be very happy, children, it is easy to be infected, but I forgot, it is someone's house, not mine.
My dad would reconcile the accounts every time the Chinese New Year was approaching, and if he didn't get right, he would get angry, thinking that my mother was spending too much, not working, watching the children at home, greedy for pleasure, and didn't know how hard it was to make money.
My mother felt that she was really wronged, there are so many places for children to spend money, not to mention anything else, it will cost a lot of money if you are sick once, and the money my father gave is not enough at all.
But my dad thought it was just a reason, he thought my mom was spending the money somewhere else: to my grandmother's house.
Leaving us next to us was so scared that we cried all the time, but no one cared about our feelings, and my dad would tell us not to cry and yell at us, because my brother was a boy, and sometimes he would even take his anger out of him, and once he kicked my brother out of bed.
Therefore, there are no new clothes, no new shoes, no fun for our New Year, only indescribable depression and fear.
02
In addition to money, the reason why I was tormented during the Chinese New Year was that I had a bad personality and my brother was better than me, but we didn't want to go to relatives.
Because, we are reluctant to go to relatives, relatives come, and we don't know how to deal with them.
This became a reason for them to attack us, saying that we not only gave fire to my dad like this, that my mother didn't take good care of us, that she didn't dress properly, and that she only paid for her own money.
Therefore, in addition to being angry during the New Year, it is angry, and there are all kinds of ridicule and contempt, those relatives don't treat my mother as a person, and they dislike the poor and love the rich.
03
Later, when I got older, my parents were not so angry with each other, but the shadow left was still there, and those superb relatives were still there.
Especially since I didn't have a job for 3 years after graduation, and my relatives talked all kinds of ugly words, I wondered if I was eating his rice and spending his money.
What's more, there are people who attack my appearance, saying how I look like that, with thick lips and small eyes and a collapsed nose.
I can't be angry yet, I get angry and say that I don't respect my elders, and I am pressed by that identity, and my father will quarrel with me because of this, belittle me in various ways, and look down on me.
I felt like I was a joke, and I tried my best to cater to them in order to get them to accept me, but I was trying my best to cater to them?