"After refusing to urge marriage, my mother asked me to find my ex-boyfriend to get back together"

Urging marriage is not a new topic. Many recalcitrant young people find that more often than not, the elders only want results, and individual feelings become victims, and it is the norm to be labeled as willful and critical.

During the Spring Festival this year, together with the Qingteng Love App, we found some people who refused to urge marriage. They discovered the absurdity and contradictions of their elders, and they also became more clear about their pursuit of intimacy in the struggle.

Absurd logic of urging marriage

After I refused to go on a blind date, my mom actually asked me to get back together with my ex-boyfriend.

She clearly knew the reason for my breakup with my ex, and she also knew that I had many conflicts with him, and the difference in concepts could not be bridged. But she said as if she had suddenly lost her memory: "I think you two are fine." ”

   @一根法棍 23 years old

When I was about to graduate from college, my mother always pulled me to see her insoles, and asked my seven aunts and eight aunts to give me insoles together. In their hometown in Shanxi, the insoles of these elders will be placed on the wedding bed, and the more they are, the more face their daughters will have when they marry.

I don't plan to fall in love or get married at this stage. All the way from key junior high school to key high school, I found that the people who were screened according to the so-called excellent standards were very conceited. I don't want to associate with such people, I just want to pass the law exam, go to a bigger city, make more money, and meet someone who is more suitable.

However, my mother has been immersed in a conservative and closed environment for a long time, and only thinks that I am young and ignorant, and believes that women must start to take insoles when they reach a certain age, and marriage is a task that must be completed in life. Even though these insoles are hard and abrasive to the feet, they are rarely used by the younger generation. Only the aunts will endure the blisters and continue to put them under their feet, just as they endure a marriage full of hidden pains.

I know that those delicate insoles are made by my mother dragging her tired body after work, enduring the discomfort of presbyopia and dry eyes, stitches and threads, containing too much expectation and love. I can't judge anything.

Adults can't understand my life pursuit, but I feel sorry for their vain efforts. However, when I told her these heartfelt words, my mother still did not accept my plan for herself. "Mom doesn't think it's hard, you're still too young, maybe you won't be afraid of marriage and childbearing when you grow a few years older. ”

 @ 阿芗 23 years old

图 | 老家喜床上摆放的鞋垫

My mother always said that poor couples mourn everything, and they want to find a rich man to rely on for me, "I will die in the end".

When arranging a blind date, it ran counter to her advertised "daughter first". Some of the blind dates are potential customers of her business. Sometimes I make it clear that I don't like it and think that the other party is unreliable, but my mother will still ask me to continue to keep in touch, and I can't snub the other party immediately, for fear of hurting the harmony.

I felt chilled, and felt that I had become a material bargaining chip for her to maintain her business. In order to stop dating each other, I shaved my hair short. The matchmaker saw my "thorn" and sure enough, he didn't come to the door anymore.

   @小绿 26 years old

When I was watching the TV series "Flowers" in the dining room, when the interlude sang "I want to have a home", my mother, who was cleaning on the side, suddenly turned her head and said to me, "Everyone wants to have a home." "I said, this is my home. She told me that this was her and my dad's home, not mine, and that I should have a home of my own.

I was so aggrieved that I cried.

There is a paid blind date group at the top of my mother's mobile phone. Without my consent, she posted all my messages in the group. I had a big fight with her about this.

   @溺水小狗 30 years old

Since I graduated from graduate school, my dad has been active on the Internet to help me find a partner, like a marriage maniac.

Some time ago, he met a man in the same city on the Internet, chatted enthusiastically, and described the other party's conditions wildly, so I must not miss it.

According to my father's instructions, I added the other party's WeChat, and I found that he posted a photo of scratching his head and posing in the circle of friends, with the text "Be a responsible man", which is very wrong. After chatting for a while, he started asking me for personal information and sent kissing memes. I felt disgusted and deleted him.

My dad found out and called the whole family to complain, saying that he had done his duty, and he was afraid that my boss would rot in his hands. Actually, my dad felt that my denial of the blind date was equivalent to denying him, which was why he was so excited.

Later, the man confessed to my dad that he was divorced.

After learning the truth, my dad was a little ashamed. He was 24 years old when he got married, and he always felt that he was a few years younger in his life, and he had to hurry up and get married. My grandparents are old, and they always urge him to take care of my marriage, so he is anxious to make my grandparents happy.

I don't hate intimacy, I just believe that marriage is not the goal, but a lifetime of happiness. Later, he used Qingteng Love to find a partner, also in order to firmly control the decision of intimacy in his own hands. The authentic verification of identity information and academic qualifications can help me get rid of my father's exaggerated filter and meet and distinguish all kinds of people in a way that suits me.

   @小H 30 years old

Figure | Chat with your blind date in a tavern

Urging marriage, a battle of ideas

When I was a sophomore, I was in love with a girl. My mom took advantage of my phone call with my girlfriend, grabbed her phone, and asked her to break up with me.

The only reason is that they keep asking me to find local girls in Jiangsu. In their imagination, the two families in this marriage have the same economic level and the same regional culture, so they are easy to get along with.

It ruined my love, but my parents didn't care. They say that if the two sides can't go long, they should stop the loss in time and not waste time. They just used cold conditions to make me miss the people who might accompany me for a lifetime.

  @ Boiled Frog 24 years old

Finding a partner has become a torture for me.

Recently, my dad introduced a man who met their conditions, and even though the other party was divorced, he still forced me to ask me every day if I had taken the initiative to talk to the other party.

I have a slow personality, and it is very painful to talk awkwardly. When I said that I didn't want to take the initiative, my dad would immediately get angry, saying that I was rigid and didn't fight for the opportunity, saying that I was not too old, and that in the future, others would only introduce people who were divorced and lost their wives.

In one of the few awkward conversations with the divorced man, I tried to start with hobbies, but I couldn't pick up a single thing that could last. He doesn't seem to have any hobbies. I can't imagine how I can live with such a boring person for a long time.

I knew what kind of partner I wanted. I have a wide range of hobbies, I like to try various activities, and I have always had the habit of reading. I just want to find someone who can resonate with me in thought, create and enjoy fun in life together, and nourish each other's lives, instead of stumbling and wearing down myself in the days when we are about to compromise each other.

However, in the eyes of parents, such ideas are naïve, naïve and unrealistic. They wanted to find someone who had a house, no loans, and a stable job for my parents, and married me to him.

I'm still in a tug-of-war with my parents, hoping to reject this blind date I don't want to accept and be responsible for myself.

   @Alice 28 years old

Figure | In my spare time, I often go to the livehouse to watch performances

I don't resist marriage. It's just that seeing my peers getting married and having children in their hometown, not much happiness, and always complaining about all kinds of trivial matters between my husband and husband's family, I feel that love is a necessary prerequisite for marriage. For the sake of a happy marriage, I should check by myself and find a lover who is in the same boat.

Because of my narrow social circle, I tried a blind date. A friend introduced me to a person. After getting along for half a year, we often sent messages to communicate, and he would take the initiative to ask me to eat and take a walk, but he just didn't promote the relationship. So I made it clear, but he said that we were just ordinary friends. I knew it meant to reject me and cried at home for two days. Despite my sadness, I am willing to take responsibility for such an outcome.

Intimacy is my own business. Even if it doesn't necessarily get something in return, I should keep looking for someone I love. Only this kind of love and marriage is meaningful, and this is the bottom line that I cannot compromise.

   @沙拉 26 years old

The only one who can urge me to get married is myself

During the winter break of my sophomore year, my mom arranged for me to meet her colleague's son. The two of them get along and want to be in-laws. My mother also thinks that this boy, who is a few years older than me, has high emotional intelligence, treats people and things appropriately, and the two families know each other well.

After seeing it, I knew that there would be no next development with the other party. The elders may think that it is not important to be tempted and meet the eyes, but I can't accept it.

Unwilling to be arranged on a blind date again, I took the initiative to contact a high school classmate who matched my aesthetics.

The first time we met after dating, he was waiting for me at the station, and I saw him from a distance when I got off the train, with a tall posture and a fair face and neck exposed. I approached him to greet him and noticed that his ears were a little red. We were going to walk and talk on the riverside dam, but my hands were so cold that he had to take my hand and stuff it in his pocket. I turned my head to look at him, and his eyes were evasive, his face turned to the side and he didn't dare to look at me, and his ears were still red.

I'm a slow burner, and my faint liking for him has deepened over the years we've spent together. We have been dating for six years, during which we have run in with each other, had quarrels, and always encouraged each other to think about the present and the future together. Under the influence of each other, we have changed a lot and become a better person.

   @White 26 years old

Figure | My boyfriend suddenly said he was going to give me a little flower

After two years of dating to my ex-boyfriend, I took the initiative to break up. At that time, I had reached the "marriageable age" that my family thought was "marriageable", and I didn't have a big conflict with my boyfriend. The main reason for mentioning the breakup was that I gradually felt that he would not respond to my date offer particularly warmly, which made me start to be afraid. In the next 60 years, if he regards love and marriage as a life task, and no longer pays attention to emotional interaction with me after completion, it will be completely contrary to my emotional needs model.

Although I didn't get married, and I can't say that my decision was right, I think that the intimacy of the incompatible personality at least allowed me to avoid an inappropriate marriage, and I was taking responsibility for my own life.

  @ Tangyuan 29 years old

I have always insisted that marriage should be a healthy, equal and intimate relationship. I want my partner to be able to communicate with me on an equal footing and not deny each other's feelings and thoughts.

Since I was a child, I have witnessed the distortion and pathology of my parents' marital relationship. They dislike each other, no one looks down on anyone, and they always say bad things about each other in front of me when there is a conflict, but they still maintain their marriage.

Dad never did his duty as a husband. He thinks that men are the heads of the family, always in the nest, nodding and bowing with others outside, but showing off their power at home. Sometimes, in order to protect the rights and interests of the small family, my mother fought with my father's relatives on my side, but my father did not help once. Even when his younger brother started beating people, he only said that my mother did it herself, why didn't she beat someone else.

Such a marriage also distorts the mother. Mom only talks to people who approve of her, denies all ideas that are different from her, and uses this way to protect her own rights and interests. Gradually, as long as anyone in the family does not approve of her ideas, she will unite with others to be cold and violent. She would not cook for that person, not talk to that person, and speak ill of this person to other people. She always thinks of me when she needs to pour out her emotions, complains to me about everything in this marriage, and even says that I have dragged her down from getting a divorce.

I was always scared that growing up in such a family, I didn't learn how to love someone. How to manage intimate relationships, how to love and be loved, I can only experience and explore by myself. It's hard, but I have to work hard for myself so that I don't repeat the mistakes of my parents.

   @长出翅膀 31 years old

After rejecting my parents' matching, I decided to find a partner at my own pace. I hope that person can fit me from the three views, to the family, to the character and the way of getting along. 

One after another, I met 11 people on the Love of Green Ivy League. It wasn't until this last one that I felt a little excited. He is patient, good-natured, sincere in his words, and his family conditions meet my expectations, and his tastes are similar.

There was an appointment to watch the sunrise on the mountain. He went the wrong way, but he insisted on coming because "I missed the sunrise and didn't want to miss you". I climbed the mountain with him again because I didn't want to miss him either. 

  @ Anheqiao 30 years old

Figure | He missed the sunrise at the top of the mountain

In the blind date market in my hometown, 30-year-old women are no longer dominant. The people introduced by the neighbor's aunt are getting worse and worse, and some are even almost 40 years old and have no stable jobs, and live with their parents.

If I only listen to my elders and nest myself in such values, the result is that in the eyes of the matchmaker, I am only worthy of such a partner.

Refusing to compromise with incompatibility is taking back the initiative of one's own life.

So I went to the love of the green vine to find someone who is really compatible. In the system's daily recommendations, I first pay attention to those guests with detailed information, such people are relatively more mature, have enough knowledge of themselves, and clearly know their own needs. For people with similar views and ideas, I will invite them to meet offline, have afternoon tea together, and chat.

There was a male guest who couldn't meet for a while because he was out of town, and I chatted with him online for a few months, and both of us felt very happy. I was impressed that he had everything to explain, but his life was so rich that I was always ranked last in his various arrangements. I'd like to have a fixed hour a day to concentrate on chatting, but I'm always waiting for him. I wish he would take the time to find me because he misses me, and not think of me when he is free. This relationship ended in nothing.

My best vision of marriage comes from my former supervisor and her husband. Her husband is introverted and shy, but responsible, and even if the business fails, he will not put pressure on his family. My former supervisor was a very gentle woman, and she often received phone calls from home when she was working overtime, and she would be very patient to answer questions. His maturity, and her gentleness, seemed to me the best encounter.

I hope that my marriage can also be like theirs, understanding and supporting each other. Instead of being like my past love, I had to deal with and decide on the big and small things in the lives of two people, and slowly I became irritable, until one day, I realized that I had become a resentful woman. I lived my life as I hated the most, and good intimacy should make me like myself more.

  @ Zhi Lanwei 29 years old

Even with the change of times and the renewal of concepts, the pressure of marriage and love is still a difficult problem for young people to avoid. Every Spring Festival, they have to spend a lot of emotions and energy to deal with the various marriage urging methods of the elders. 

According to the "Young People's Marriage and Love Pressure Report" released by Qingteng Love and Wuhan University Data Journalism Research Center, contemporary young people do not want to get married, but want to pursue higher-quality intimate relationships. Relevant data show that only 3% of men and 2% of women refuse to take off the single and choose to lie flat. 

Among them, online dating has become a new way to meet the ideal love. As a love app with high education and real-name system as the core, Qingteng Love is committed to providing a real, safe and high-quality dating environment for every user. In the past five years, hundreds of thousands of people have gained love in Qingteng Love. 

Young people who refuse to urge marriage actually care most about intimacy. Quality intimacy is an important cornerstone of marital happiness and the bottom line that young people are difficult to compromise. I hope that this Spring Festival, everyone can get what they want.

- END -

Written by | Yang Xiaoqian

Edit | Wen Lihong

Have you ever been urged to marry?