Hello dear stranger, I call hard work hard and try hard.
My story starts with a simple one:
riveted all his strength to get admitted to a good university, then graduated, worked, married, and lived like this day by day.
It wasn't until 2 years ago that I moved to a company with a lot of money and little to do, but suddenly something was wrong.
This "fairy" job not only did not let me relax, but made me deeply miserable.
At that time, I couldn't understand that the previous oppressive work didn't break me, why is it that now it's easy, but I collapse?
Later, I found out that those emotions that had been suppressed by me in the past exploded in an even more tragic way at that time.
Today, I muster up the courage to share my own personal experience.
I hope to bring some encouragement and inspiration to you who are also struggling in a painful environment.
It was July 2020.
We moved into our own small home, and I got a job as a "fairy".
Everything would have been fine.
But somehow, I began to "derail":
Begins to be sensitive and suspicious, and always can't concentrate;
often insomnia, rarely falling asleep, but always being abandoned and betrayed in dreams, the painful emotions in dreams will continue until waking up;
From the moment I opened my eyes, the top of my head was like a heavy dark cloud, full of depression, sadness, and pain, which could not be dispersed or escaped.
When I go to work, I feel like I'm shrouded in a glass bottle, disconnected from everyone, even though I'm surrounded by people.
In my world, it seems that there is only endless loneliness left.
My smile became less and less, and every minute, I had to struggle to keep myself from crying.
I've tried to party with friends, but listening to them chatting, my mind is full of:
"Why are they so tired and laughing, I'm not tired but so painful, why am I so useless and vulnerable?"
I also tried to build blocks to distract myself, but after a while, I pushed it aside and cried bitterly.
I kept talking to my husband every day, but even though I was always gently comforted, I was still deep in helplessness and hopelessness.
I don't know what's wrong with myself.
Everything that lifted my spirits and made me happy lost the power of happiness at that time.
Later, I also had problems with my body.
Migraines, which used to be only occasional "visits", began to invade like crazy, and I was taking painkillers 6 days a week, 7 days a week.
Then, the painkillers didn't work.
I went to the neurology department and did a bunch of tests, and the results were all "no abnormalities".
The doctor said that it was probably a psychological reason for me to relax and not be too stressed.
But I couldn't be happier.
For the sake of rigor, I hung up in the psychiatric department again that day, and was finally diagnosed: moderate depression + moderate to severe anxiety.
My anxiety and insomnia have improved due to the medication, but I still can't be happy.
I still want to cry every day for no reason.
It didn't take long for me to start having some bad thoughts.
When you see a fast passing car, you want to rush to it, and when you go to the window, you want to push it away......
Luckily, my husband kept pulling me tightly.
He kept telling me, "I need you so much, can you do it for me?"
This need gives me strength.
With the support of this strength, I made an appointment for psychological counseling on the recommendation of a friend.
My counselor, L, is a person of the same age and size as my mother.
She always had a gentle smile on her face.
During the first consultation, I described my pain to her in the midst of uninterrupted crying.
L, on the other hand, kept his eyes on me, accompanied me, and gently caught my sadness.
Before I came to the consultation, I talked to a lot of people.
But only that time did I truly feel that my wounds were seen and understood.
Then, she accompanied me to sort out the recent changes and explore the triggers for this outbreak.
During that time, the simultaneous change of residence and work made me extremely insecure.
In particular, I used to be a tight string with high intensity and high pressure.
It didn't break out because busyness suppressed a lot of anxiety and anxiety.
I was so focused on chasing KPIs that I didn't have time to talk to myself, so I unconsciously isolated my emotions.
After changing to a much easier job, I had time on my own.
The suppressed emotions took the opportunity to "rush" out.
I finally saw the pain I couldn't tell for what I had been suffering for so long.
But seeing is only the first step.
I also have to identify my emotions and judge my feelings.
At first, I was scared of the problem because I couldn't recognize it.
"I don't feel anything" and "I don't know" are the most common answers I answer.
L does not dismiss me because of this, but gives some words according to my state, such as "Do you feel lost, aggrieved, or uneasy or panicked?"
Little by little, I gradually recognized my emotions and feelings.
It was also with her help that I went back in time little by little and slowly discovered-
The source of my pain is hidden in the trauma of my childhood.
That was the third consultation.
I talked to L about how hard I pushed myself in my last job.
As long as there is an activity that day, I look at the data almost every half hour, and if the data is not good, I feel panic and anxiety, and I keep blaming myself.
L asked me, "Try to think back, are there any past experiences that made you feel similar?"
I closed my eyes, and the first scene that came to my mind was my father's indifferent mockery after losing the high school entrance examination:
"I thought you were so good, if you didn't get into the first middle school, don't think I'll care about you in the future. ”
Then there was the scene where I almost stepped on my brother's finger and my mother rushed over and pushed me away, scolding me loudly.
"Are you blind? Brother, don't you see it at your feet? If you hurt him, you're going to die!"
I told L about the memories that came to me, and my eyes turned red uncontrollably.
She looked at me tenderly and said:
"I noticed that you cried when you talked about your parents, and your emotions were a lot heavier, would you like to continue to talk to me about the relationship with your parents?"
I always thought that with my own small home, away from my parents, the past was in the past.
But I never thought that it had not passed, but was deliberately avoided by me.
This time, with L's steady, non-judgmental company, I finally had enough strength to face it head-on.
My trauma began after my brother was born.
After he was born, my sense of presence plummeted.
The most my parents said to me was, "Look down on your brother." ”
When I was with my brother, as soon as he cried, I would immediately receive a loud reprimand:
"You dead girl bullying your brother again, you can give him whatever he wants, and you are not allowed to rob him!"
The only time I could get their eyes in my childhood was when I got back the number one report card.
But even if it is a compliment at this time, it will end with a sentence, "Teach my brother well." ”
Every time I consult, when I talk about them, similar memories keep coming.
The partiality and neglect of my parents is like Ling Chi to me.
Not a one-time big injury, but again and again, stabbing small holes in the heart until it was full of holes.
It is not easy to dig up these memories again, and it may even be painful to experience them again.
Luckily, L has been protecting me.
When I was in the mood of memories and felt broken, she took me to soothe my emotions, and also took me to analyze and untie me:
I am a very kind person, so when facing the partiality of my parents, I still have love for them and my younger brother;
At the same time, I am also very strong, I did not give up on myself because I was ignored and demanded, but worked hard to do better and make better results.
She also often sets up scenes for me to have a conversation with my parents from the past.
Once, I cried to my parents in the past, "Why are you always so partial?"
Former parents: "How can we be partial? It's just that my brother is younger than you, and we take care of him more." ”
Me: "I was just a child at that time, why don't you care about me at all, just care about my brother......"
Past parents: "After all, your eldest brother is 7 years old, be sensible!"
Me: "Do you deserve to be ignored if you are sensible? I'm driving myself crazy for your affirmation." ”
Former parents: "Why are you so fragile kid? We don't lack food and clothing for you." Why can't you get by?"
Me: "All I want is love, but I haven't gotten it, you only have a brother in your eyes! No matter how well I behave, you can't see it, you only have a son in your eyes!"
Past parents: "Your child is really, how difficult it is for us to raise three children, we will definitely miss it, why do you care so much?"
Me: "I hate you! Why can't you admit your mistakes!"
The parents of the past finally stopped refuting and lowered their heads.
I finally realized that no matter how good I am now, I can't get my past parents to apologize to me, the past is gone.
But I have the right to hate, to express my emotions, not to let myself be trapped in the role of a victim.
At that moment, I finally felt a lot more relaxed and brighter in my heart.
In the consultation room, I also saw one very important thing.
It turns out that I've been endorsing a limiting belief:
Only when others praise me or envy me does it mean that I am a valuable person, and I will be accepted.
With this belief, I pay too much attention to the approval and approval of others, even at the expense of my own core emotional needs and true thoughts.
This belief has been too long and too deep.
L didn't ask me to come out right away.
Instead, let me keep a positive journal every day.
She said gently,
"I've been with you for so long, and I've seen a lot of sparkles in you, but you didn't notice it yourself. Try to write down the things that affirm yourself every day, no matter how small things are, and let's loosen your perception of your own denial little by little. You can. ”
In the beginning, I just finished my homework and just finished it.
But when we saw each other again, she affirmed every point I made, and was able to back it up with what we had talked about before.
I experienced the feeling of being affirmed and accepted very seriously.
I finally relieved of the psychological pressure, trusted her more and more, and took this matter more and more seriously.
In the process of writing affirmative journals and counseling, I became more and more aware of myself, and I began to see my inner needs and learn to meet them.
My condition is starting to improve.
The smile was on my face more and more time.
I try to accept the praise that others give me, and when I am denied, I talk to myself:
How much of what he said makes sense? How do I adjust it? If it doesn't make sense, I don't care.
I began to see more of the details of my husband's need for me, and I no longer had the self-deprecation of "he might have been better off without me".
I slowly straightened my mindset and faced the past failures more objectively, and I was no longer afraid of making mistakes.
The road of change is escorted by L:
Take me out of the whirlpool of emotions and anchor the present moment when I collapse;
When I attack myself, firmly tell me with concrete examples that I am fine;
When I was confused and confused, he took me to explore and sort out, find the source behind it, face it, and smooth it......
With her company, I gradually reconciled with the past and myself, and was reborn from the darkness step by step.
Now, I have come out of my depression and returned to my normal life.
But my story with L is not over yet.
When I encounter the impact of life and the things that I can't let go of, I will still return to the safe haven of the counseling room, and with her acceptance, I will gain the strength to start again.
I've always felt that after counseling, I was a real adult.
In my opinion, psychological counseling is more like a gas station for life's journey.
When I can't walk anymore and I encounter a bump, I go there and "pause" for a while, and I can rediscover the tremendous energy to move forward.
So, dear stranger, if you are also going through a difficult, stuck moment, try to face it head-on and seek professional help.
There are more than 30,000 days in life, so much beauty and happiness, you can and deserve it.
I sincerely hope that my experience will give you the power to leap through the darkness.
Author: Visitors work hard and work hard
Editor: Konishi
Source: Unsplash