In this world, whether we are good or not, we are all unique ourselves. We can't replicate it, no matter how ordinary and ordinary it is, no one can replace it.
Rich Book Author: Jenny (Uncle Fu Team)
Source: Franklin Book Club's original listening audio is available in the comments section
Have you ever been in such a situation in your life?
When talking to someone, even if you don't agree with the other person's point of view, you will choose to go along and be ashamed to express your own point of view?
When someone asks for help, you're embarrassed to say no, but when you need it, you're afraid to ask for help?
When I had dinner with friends, I knew that I liked to eat hot pot, but I obeyed my friends and chose to eat Japanese food......
When you please others, you become cautious, and when you fulfill others, you often don't feel happy.
Dong Yuhui once said: "The most important mission of a person in this life is to make himself happy." ”
In a long life, you will only fail yourself, and only by abandoning others can you meet your true self.
A truly wise man will never please anyone.
Your flattery cannot be exchanged for sincerity
Psychologist Hu Shenzhi said: "People with a people's pleasing personality cannot recognize themselves from the depths of their hearts, and they are afraid of not being accepted and recognized, so they develop their relationships with others by pleasing them." ”
Bian Xiaoxiao in the hit drama "Minglong Boy" is a girl with a pleasing personality.
She seems cheerful, enthusiastic, and easy to get along with, but behind the scenes, she is often self-suppressed and pleasing to others.
From a poor family, she had to live at her aunt's house in order to go to school in the city.
Under the fence, she is always observing words and feelings, and seeking perfection.
Every time she came back to her aunt's house after school, she always forced a smile and was obedient, even if she was obviously unhappy in her heart.
Her father sent a lot of fish from the countryside, and because he was reluctant to spend more money to send cold chain couriers, the fish stinked when he received it.
My aunt kept complaining and ridiculing, she held back her tears and threw the fish sent by her father into the trash, and in a blink of an eye, she smiled at her aunt.
When she gets along with her classmates, she always greets her with a smile and habitually caters to others.
She would get up more than an hour early to queue up and buy delicious omelets for her classmates to eat.
In order to be able to integrate into the collective, she chased stars and punched cards with her classmates, but she was not interested in it.
When her classmates instructed her to do anything, even if it was bad, she didn't know how to refuse......
However, her various flatteries did not lead to true friendship, and her classmates still slandered her behind her back;
rushed to work at my aunt's house, and I was inevitably ridiculed and scolded by my aunt.
She was always afraid of upsetting others, worried that others would not like her, so she lived carefully.
But her flattery still can't escape the fate of being slandered and ridiculed.
is like what is written in "Human Disqualification": "No matter who you are too enthusiastic about, it increases the probability of not being cherished." ”
As the saying goes, the more you want, the more you can't get.
If a person pleases and pleases others without restraint, then what awaits you is not someone else's "heart for heart", but a tool for others, being oppressed and manipulated.
I have heard a heart-piercing truth: money always flows to those who are not short of money, and love always flows to those who are not short of love.
At this time, if you don't know how to change yourself in time, it will only make people more and more interested in you.
Learn to be aware of your own feelings and not have to embarrass yourself from time to time in order to change your passive situation in interpersonal communication.
Learn to say no and respect your true feelings
Psychologist Huang Qituan said: "Everyone is our mirror, and we are unconscious, teaching others how to treat themselves. Any bad relationship must be credited with you. ”
Mo Yan also said: "If you are diligent, you will be generous and tolerant of anything in the unit."
It won't be long before you become a tacit soft persimmon in the unit.
Any will be thrown at you, anyone dares to bully you twice, work the most overtime, and get a promotion and a salary increase without you. ”
The pleaser puts himself in a position as low as dust, looking up at everyone around him, but ignoring himself.
And every time you curry favor and compromise, you are telling others that you can be treated as you please.
My friend Xiao Bing used to be a good person.
When she was working as an English translator for a foreign-funded company, she was often asked by friends to help translate materials.
At first, they were all translations of some simple words and sentences, she thought that they were all acquaintances, and it was not too difficult, and it didn't take much time, so she happily agreed.
The friend who tasted the sweetness quickly took her help for granted.
Once, a friend sent her a product manual and asked her to help translate it.
This manual has a lot of content and involves professional knowledge in related industries, which Xiaobing is not familiar with and is embarrassed to refuse.
So, she agreed to it, spent a lot of time looking up the information, and stayed up a few nights to help her friend translate the information.
Because of this, his work was delayed and criticized by his boss.
And the friends who received the translated materials have long been accustomed to it, and they didn't even say "thank you......
Xiao Bing felt aggrieved, it turned out that her contribution was so cheap in the eyes of her friends.
After learning from the pain, she decided that she would never help others cheaply again, but "clearly marked the price" and clarified her principles.
And those friends who like free lunches are no longer taking advantage of her.
Bi Shumin said in the book "Exercising the Right to Refuse":
"If we don't say no, we don't hurt others, but we hurt someone who is closer to us, and that's ourselves. ”
Learn to say "no" bravely, don't get in the way of face, don't be afraid of hurting feelings, you respect yourself, others will respect you.
The rest of your life is not long, please love yourself fiercely
The psychologist Adler once said, "True freedom is the courage to be hated by others." No one can be liked by everyone, so there is no need to make compromises and cater to others to gain their like. ”
It is better to please yourself than to please others, and it is better to please yourself than to please others.
If you want to be unpleasing and unpleasing to others, in the final analysis, you must love yourself.
Life is short for decades, and learning to love yourself and shake hands with your humble past self is the best experience in life.
Only by looking at oneself, strengthening oneself, and moving towards self-confidence, can life be closer to happiness.
Let's get out of the situation of pleasing others and learn how to love ourselves.
1. Establish your own boundaries
If you want to get rid of the people-pleasing personality, start by establishing your own boundaries.
There is a wisdom proverb: "Make yourself yourself." ”
As human beings, our ultimate mission is to be our own masters.
When encountering unreasonable demands from others, you should clearly state what you accept and what you do not accept. Learn to say no to what you don't want to do and be brave enough to say no.
Perhaps your rejection will make others feel unpleasant, or make people think that you are unkind, but so what? Unconditional obedience to others is often cruel to yourself.
Sometimes you have to give yourself permission to be a less friendly person in order to be truly yourself.
A true friend will understand you, but why should you care about the feelings of someone who just wants to take advantage of you.
Teacher Zhou Fan once said: "When you start to love yourself, the whole world will come to love you." ”
Establish your own boundaries, protect your heart, and let your mind wander freely.
2. Respect your inner feelings
Zhou Guoping once said: "If love is an art, then appropriate self-love is a quality." ”
Every year before and after the announcement of the Nobel Prize in Literature, many media will focus on Haruki Murakami.
For many years, Haruki Murakami has been carrying the label of "escort runner" on his back, which can be called "the little plum of the Oscar world".
In 2016, when Leonardo lived up to expectations and finally won the Academy Awards, Haruki Murakami was pushed to the forefront again.
No matter what the outside world says, Haruki Murakami is not affected by gossip at all, and insists on running, exercising, and writing every day......
In his collection of essays, What I Talk About When I Run, he said:
"No matter what everyone in the world says, I think I'm right. No matter what people say, I don't break my rhythm. ”
When you recognize yourself, you are not afraid of all the discordant voices of the outside world.
There is a good saying that other people's evaluation of me is not one ten-thousandth of me, but it is himself at a glance.
When you are full, mature and wise, you will no longer blindly cater to the preferences of others and grovel to the world.
3. Constantly improve yourself and strengthen yourself
Habitually pleasing others is often a sign of lack of self-confidence and low self-worth.
Because of the emptiness of the heart, it is necessary to constantly seek the attention of the outside world and gain recognition.
But often, the more pleasing you are, the more pleasing you are, and you let yourself be hurt.
If you want to please others, the key to solving the problem is to strive to improve yourself and strengthen yourself.
You can focus on developing your career skills and get a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction in your work.
You can develop one of your hobbies and get inner nourishment and pleasure in your interests.
When you commit to improving yourself, the more you will feel more in control of your life and the fewer troubles you will have in life.
With the improvement of self-worth and the strength of one's inner strength, the self that is wronged and pleasing others will also change unconsciously.
Haruki Murakami once said, "When you go through a storm, you are no longer the same person." ”
When you get better, miraculous and beautiful things will happen naturally.
In this world, whether we are good or not, we are all unique ourselves.
We can't replicate it, no matter how ordinary and ordinary it is, no one can replace it.
Love yourself at all times.
Don't compromise to please anyone, and don't embarrass yourself for the sake of pleasing anyone.
Life is not long, we have to be nice to people, but never to please.
I am looking at it, and I am willing to dance only for myself and love myself fiercely for the rest of my life.