Why did they all break up in January?

For the New Year, we have always been full of rituals.

When we were young, we had the habit of wearing new clothes to welcome the New Year. The New Year with new things marks that the past has become a thing of the past, and everything can be expected in the future.

When we grow up, we no longer need to wear new clothes to welcome the New Year like children (of course, it has a little to do with not having the money to buy new clothes), and now we are looking for another form of saying goodbye to the old and welcoming the new.

For example, more and more people are choosing to quit their jobs around the New Year or seamlessly transition to their next job, some choose to move or change city lives, and some choose to cut off a relationship around the New Year.

Many people break up or get broken up in January 1.2.

Do you want to change your New Year's Eve object as well?

On such a festive holiday as the New Year, choosing to end a relationship is not an empty trend for X-chan.

@公无渡河

There are still a few days before Chinese New Year's Eve, there was a quarrel, and then I was very depressed to play a game alone, suddenly my brain was electrified, thinking that if she wanted to break up, she would be on Chinese New Year's Eve, no why, that is, there was a basic understanding of her personality, sure enough, Chinese New Year's Eve broke up with me, and afterwards I couldn't let go and was angry, and I felt insulted after more than half a year before I came out.

@HK color Su Ting

was also broken up on 2020-1-1, in a different place, I used to always annoy her.

On the morning of the first day, she sent me a WeChat breakup, and she went out to travel in those days, and went with the people who chased her, and when she waited until the fourth, she couldn't eat anything for four days, only drank a few cartons of milk in total, slept for less than eight hours, lost five pounds, and broke up in person on the fourth day, and couldn't keep it.

I don't blame her, it's that I'm too loser.

I know that time can erase the scars, and how many years later, when I look at this relationship, I can also be light-hearted.

I forgot about the pain after that.

Who will feel sorry for me at this moment?

▷ Image source "Transfer Love"

The breakup itself is already very uncomfortable, and the special time node of the New Year is like a slap in the face, making people feel that everything is so sudden that there is no time to react.

Novi Duquila, a clinical psychologist in Manila, Philippines, said:

That said, we're all eager for a fresh start and some changes, so we might think about a relationship around the New Year's and consider whether we want to end it.

The breakdown of a relationship never ends suddenly

But if you think that people decide to break up just because they want a new look for the New Year, then you're wrong.

Before opening his mouth, the other party had been thinking about it in his heart for a long time, and a small crack had already been in the other party's heart, and as time went on, this crack got bigger and bigger, and eventually could not be healed.

So how does an intimate relationship fall apart?

An intimate relationship usually goes through three stages: the fantasy stage, the disillusionment stage, and the struggle conflict stage.

And this will end up with two outcomes,

So, to meet this need, we build intimacy with other people.

In the fantasy stage, we will desire the other person to make us happy, and we will want to satisfy the other person's needs.

But this can develop into the fact that in a relationship, we often hear couples list the sacrifices they have made for each other during a fight, which is actually what we want the other person to admit to "I have done more for you, and you have not done enough for me." ”

Then, with the passage of time and the further development of intimacy, such a contest may be mentioned repeatedly, and then it may enter the stage of disintegration.

In the disintegration stage, two people in an intimate relationship will find that many things are not as good as they imagined, and they may even feel that the other person has changed, and they are no longer the person they knew at the beginning.

▷ Image source "Transfer Love"

Think about it, when you quarrel, do you often hear such words:

However, the ruin phase does not mean that the two parties will necessarily break up, and the two sides will usher in new challenges in the ruin stage. On the one hand, we will feel disappointed or angry because we see the other person as they really are, and on the other hand, we also need to accept the bad emotions such as regret and frustration that come with this disillusionment.

As a result, the two sides will enter the stage of struggle, that is, "I am in pain, you change".

In the end, it turned out that I can't understand you, and you can't satisfy me. We spend our time in endless fights, losing hope in the relationship and ending up hating each other.

So, if your significant other suddenly breaks up with you, why not think about what stage you went wrong?

Of course, this does not mean that the fault must be yours, and it may also be because the needs and fantasies of both parties are not matched enough in the first place.

The maintenance of intimacy requires reasonable expectations

As mentioned earlier, the breakdown of a relationship is often inseparable from disillusionment.

Christopher Meng, a well-known Canadian psychotherapist, once said, "The road to hell is paved with expectations." ”

For example, when I was young, I was compared by my parents to the first child in the neighborhood who had just passed the exam. finally progressed to the top few, and was compared with the children who won awards from their colleagues, and they are always compared with high expectations and upwards.

Such unreasonable expectations cause parents to be disappointed in their children, and at the same time, they also cause children to have negative feelings of grievance and sadness.

So how should we build a good intimate relationship?

The first thing we need to do is to change our unreasonable expectations. In our past experiences, there may have been some emotional appeals that have not been met, such as some expectations of our parents that have not been met. These unfulfilled emotional demands can sometimes be carried into intimate relationships, creating unreasonable expectations of their partner. There are also some people who may have attachment problems, such as anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, etc., which can also lead to unreasonable expectations of their partner.

And when the other party fails to meet their expectations and has negative emotions, you can make an agreement with the other party to communicate in another way.

Specifically, you can start from the following aspects:

1. Self-reflection: First of all, you need to examine your expectations and understand your own values, needs, and emotional appeals. Consider whether these expectations are reasonable and in line with your partner's personality, abilities, and circumstances.

2. Communication and negotiation: Communicate openly with your partner, share your feelings and expectations, and listen to your partner's thoughts and feelings. Discuss together how to meet each other's reasonable needs and how to adjust unreasonable expectations.

3. Adjust cognition: Realize that everyone is an individual with their own thoughts and emotions. Accept your partner's uniqueness and imperfections, respect each other's differences, and don't impose your values on each other.

4. Cultivate a grateful mentality: Pay attention to your partner's strengths and contributions, and cultivate a grateful mentality. Be grateful for everything your partner has done for you, pay attention to the good moments with each other, and enhance the positive side of your relationship.

5. Enhance self-growth: Enhance your inner strength through learning, exercise, and training. Improve self-awareness and emotional intelligence, better cope with emotional problems, and reduce unreasonable expectations of your partner.

Write at the end

The breakdown of any relationship does not happen suddenly, but over a period of accumulation and evolution. Many times, problems in a relationship may have early signs, but for a variety of reasons, we may not be aware of them. Maybe it's because we're busy with work and life, or because we're not willing to face the problems that may arise, so we ignore those subtle signals.

To build and maintain a good relationship, it takes both parties to work together and manage it carefully. This includes not only open communication, understanding and tolerance, but also the ability to resolve differences and conflicts. When something goes wrong, we need to solve it in a timely manner.

Only in this way can we truly understand and meet our own and each other's needs, and build a healthier, more equal and stable intimate relationship.

References：

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[1] Hu Shenzhi，Rebuild intimacy，Heaven and Earth Press，2022

Author: Bert Kennini

Typesetting: Berg Kennini