Knowing that the child is lying, how to deal with it so that it will not hurt the child?

Parents often ask: "What can I do if my child starts to learn to lie?" Sometimes it's just talking nonsense with his eyes open, but no matter how he asks, he still doesn't admit it. If you start lying at such a young age, how can you discipline you in the future?"

What do we think about children lying?

Lying can be one of the biggest headaches for parents, but it seems that every child has a situation that makes parents feel like enemies.

Since most children will "lie" in the process of growing up, it means that this is an inevitable phenomenon of growth.

Therefore, it is not necessary to label a child with morality just because he has "lying" behavior, thinking that lying is a moral problem, and he will be deceived in the future.

Since it is a normal phenomenon in growing up, parents need to learn how to cope. Simple and rough scolding will not be effective, and we need to look at the problem more holistically.

Why do children lie, and how to deal with them?

There are many reasons why young children lie.

1. The first situation is that the child is not yet able to fully distinguish between reality and imagination, and the lie is just a desire or imagination to please himself.

For example, a child says that he went to the playground to play, or that he did something, and describes it vividly. But he didn't actually go, and he didn't do those things.

It's not a lie, it's an imagination of him, a desire to be able to play, to be able to do those things.

We can listen to your child, talk about his wishes, and plan with him what he can do the next time he goes to play. For this innocuous scenario, there is no need to stress too much that the child must admit that he has not done it.

In the same way, I agreed with my child about what time to go home, but when the time came, the child cried and said, "It's not there, it's not there yet!", and what the child wants to express is "I don't want time to pass so quickly, I still want to continue playing." "At this time, what we need to do is to help the child deal with his emotions and gradually calm down, instead of dwelling on whether he is lying if he just doesn't admit it.

Some time ago, a video circulated on the Internet of a kindergarten teacher who put a band-aid on the children's faces and hands after they fell asleep at noon, and asked the children how they were injured when they woke up.

Some children said that they accidentally fell, some children said that they hit the corner of the table, and some children said that they were beaten by another child in the morning, and the child named did not come to the kindergarten that day. Each of the children told a story that was unbelievable.

This video does not show that children love to lie, but it just proves that children can't distinguish between imagination and reality at this age. This is also the reason why a child's account cannot be used to testify in court.

2. In the second case, if you tell the truth, you are destined to be punished by your parents, and lying sometimes protects you, then the child will naturally be reluctant to tell the truth.

Therefore, to avoid children from lying, parents should first give their children space to tell the truth. Let the child feel that even if he does something wrong, telling the truth will not bring him disaster.

When a child is found to be lying, parents should first stay calm and do not lose their temper at the child because of excessive emotion, or even beat and scold the child. This only scares the child and reinforces the impression that they are afraid to tell the truth to their parents.

When a child makes a mistake, if his first instinct is not to tell his parents, because he will definitely be punished, then he can only cover it up by lying. At this time, even if he knows that it is not right, he will still use the tool of "lie" because he is afraid.

When a child lies, there must be a reason behind it, and there is a desire for him to achieve. We need to look at the reasons behind the behavior and find ways to meet the needs of the child. In this way, the child does not have to lie to achieve his goals and satisfy himself.

When children affirm that there is no harm in telling the truth, they will instinctively be more willing to be an honest person. On the contrary, if he thinks that there is no benefit in telling the truth, but rather that it will get him away with covering up the facts, then he will not be willing to choose honesty.

If you find that your child is often lying, before judging your child for having moral problems, think about it:

Do we give children room to tell the truth?

Is it too strict with the child, or too demanding, so that the child thinks that this is not okay and that it is not okay?

Does it make the child feel that he can only achieve his goals by lying?

If the child tells the truth, will he be criticized?

Many times, children do not have the courage to correct themselves, but they do not have the courage to face the punishment of their parents. Give your child room to express yourself instead of scolding or scolding your child. It is more important to encourage your child to have an honest character than to punish him.

3. In the third case, the parent's attitude can trigger the child's "defensive" lying.

Some parents find out that it is clearly the child who did it, and ask him but he does not admit it. The most important thing at this point is not to ask knowingly, but to state the facts directly.

For example, if a child breaks a vase, don't ask, "Who broke the vase?" but say, "I saw you broke the vase." Then talk to your child about what to do next.

"Who spilled the milk?" "Who tore the book?" Knowingly asking questions can trigger a child's defense, and they will often say, "It's not me." So we thought that the child was lying, and he obviously looked at you to get it, but he actually said that it was not you.

Many parents like to knowingly ask their children when they find out that they are at fault, which often leads to "defensive" lies in their children. In fact, at this time, we only need to state the facts.

"I saw you accidentally spilled milk on the floor, come on, let's wipe it clean together. Saying this does not provoke the child's defense, but brings the child into action.

State the facts directly and then communicate with your child. The purpose of communication is to solve problems, not to prove the child's mistakes.

4. The fourth situation is that the parents are not tolerant of the child's mistakes and failures, and the child has to lie in order to please the parent.

Some children go home and say that they have won the top three in the class in the exam, or the teacher praises them in the class, and they have won some awards. But when the parents went to check with the teacher, they found that this was not the case.

There are also children who say that they study all day and read a lot of books, but they are actually playing games. When parents find out, they often go into a rage, thinking that the child is fooling his parents by lying and whitewashing the peace.

This is because children know that their parents want to see this, but they can't achieve it themselves, and they are bound to disappoint their parents. And if you can't do it yourself, even if your parents don't say it, they won't give a good face. In order to get the affirmation and approval of their parents, children will obtain it through this seemingly "lying" way.

Children first see their own image in the eyes of their parents, and every child craves affirmation and recognition from their parents, which is also one of the sources of children's sense of self-worth.

Parents should learn to see and accept real children, and help children grow together on the basis of reality. Rather than setting too high goals for your child, making your child feel that he is always falling short of his parents' expectations.

Finally, parents should also lead by example and set an honest example for their children.

If parents often don't talk and don't do what they promised their children, but instead find a bunch of reasons to prevaricate their children, then the children will naturally not want to keep their promises.

If parents show their children that they can take advantage of some small advantage by lying, children will also learn to be false and deceitful. If even the parents are not trusted, the child will not develop the character of honesty.

Therefore, if you want your children not to express themselves by lying, parents should give their children understanding and acceptance, support and companionship, so that children feel safe to tell the truth, and they will be willing to express and communicate with their parents.

Why are some children reluctant to tell the truth?

Because for a child, whether he is willing to tell you the truth or not depends not on whether you love him or not, but whether it is safe for him to talk to you, and whether he will be denied, criticized, accused, or even beaten and scolded.

If we can put aside the right and wrong for a while, and simply listen and understand the child, and understand the needs and feelings behind the child's behavior, the child will feel respected, accepted, important, and valuable.

In this case, the child is willing to communicate with us. When we deny our children's feelings and needs, they gradually learn to cover up and suppress them.

Children are bound to make mistakes as they grow up, but no matter what, right or wrong is never as important as my child. Even if a child makes mistakes, we can go with love to see what help he needs, instead of blaming him, denying him, or teaching him.

| Reviewers

Zhong Le

Zhuo Zheng pediatrician

Ph.D., Xiangya School of Medicine, South Central University

Visiting scholar at Yale University School of Medicine

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