Stay-at-home daughter, new family caregiver

Some young women who should have entered the workforce have decided to return to family hibernation in reality. This gave birth to a new division of labor in the family – full-time daughters.

Family relationships begin to restructure, and they take over the role of family caregivers from their mothers, and at the same time, squeeze out of the sponge to squeeze time out of their busy daily routines to prepare for exams and apply for jobs, so that they can re-enter the family at the right time.

A different "daughter"

After becoming a full-time daughter, Yang Yue found that there were many skills to learn.

Often at 6 o'clock in the morning, Yang Yue wakes up to the sound of the alarm clock and the movement of his parents getting up in the morning to freshen up, and then prepares breakfast for his parents. After the family had breakfast, the parents would leave home to work at half past seven, and Yang Yue stayed at home and continued to do housework.

In the past, Yang Yue was a child who was pampered by his parents at home, and basically did not do housework. When he first started cooking, Yang Yue didn't even understand the difference and use of light soy sauce and dark soy sauce. When she cooks, she has to follow the video tutorial step by step, sometimes the video is fast, she doesn't dare to make her own opinion, she often has to rewind the video, and then follow the video operation.

Chinese families often have the role of a "caregiver", and the caregiver often takes on the task of doing housework and taking care of family members, and pays a lot of invisible labor. In the past, Yang Yue's mother was the caregiver of the family, and after Yang Yue returned home, he took over some of the responsibilities of the family's caregiver from his mother.

From washing vegetables, preparing vegetables to cooking, Yang Yue feels that he is very attentive at every step. Once, as when she was a child, she looked forward to her parents recognizing and praising her growth, if her father could praise "better than your mother's cooking", Yang Yue felt that it would be the best, so she did it very hard.

Things do not turn out the way you want. Yang Yue rarely gets the praise he wants. Even, the father will be picky about the meals made by his mother in the same way that he used to be picky about what her mother cooks.

"The oil is too big, can't you even grasp how much oil to put in?" Once, when his father found fault like this, Yang Yue couldn't help but blurt out: "It's hard to eat, you can make it yourself." She buried her head in eating angrily, and complained in her heart: "No one is sure of the fruits of labor, you don't do anything at home, and you still talk about me." ”

When this sentence came out, Yang Yue felt a sense of déjà vu. She realized that this was the role that her mother had played in the family for decades. In the past, she would also find fault with her mother, the ginger was too strong, or it was salty. At that time, she didn't understand why her mother was angry with a comment. Now that the roles have changed, she feels the same way.

There is a window facing the sink, and when Yang Yue washes dishes, he likes to look up at the sky outside the window. From time to time, there was the sound of children playing and shouting downstairs. Cars come and go in the distance. "The world doesn't stop running because of my withdrawal. Yang Yue let out a sigh of relief, not knowing where tomorrow would be.

Picture丨The view outside the window

At the age of 24, Yang Yue returned to the wings of her parents and became a full-time daughter.

In 2021, Yang Yue was admitted to a part-time graduate student at a 985 university in Beijing, and studied for graduate school while working. "At that time, I was very reluctant to have a stable life, and I thought that young people still had to go to the big city to break through. Yang Yue said that since the situation has changed, she rarely has such thoughts now.

While working and studying for graduate school, Yang Yuebei drifted for a year. She works as a client executive at an advertising agency, waking up at 7 a.m. and leaving the house at 8 a.m. every day. The difficult subway made her dare not sleep lazy, because once she went out late and did not leave enough time, she might be late because she couldn't squeeze the subway. It's nearly 9 o'clock when I get home in the evening, and I have to deal with work needs at any time.

After a long commute, but also facing endless reports, difficult Party A, and his spare time was also seriously squeezed, Yang Yue felt depressed and quit his job.

Living in a big city, renting and spending money on a daily basis is a must. As a result, Yang Yue soon got a second job, an operations position at an Internet company. Five months into her employment, she encountered layoffs. After being laid off, it was difficult to find a job, and after discussing with his parents, Yang Yue decided to go home first and become a "full-time daughter" waiting for the opportunity to return to society.

In the past, Yang Yue was a member of the army of staying up late, and he was used to skipping breakfast. After returning to the family, in order to facilitate her parents to go to work and work, she had to change her routine and go to bed early and get up early.

Although a full-time daughter is also a "daughter", Yang Yue's feelings are different from the feelings of being cared for by her parents when she was a child.

After returning to the family, Wang Nan also took over part of the responsibility of caregivers. Housework occupies most of her life, and Wang Nan once felt that life was only left to buy groceries, visit the supermarket, cook and tidy up the house. "Housework can kill your time endlessly, but it may be a day and the house doesn't look much tidy. "The feeling of wear and tear comes naturally.

Wang Nan also took on part of the responsibility of supporting the elderly. When his parents are not at home, Wang Nan is responsible for taking care of his grandmother. The schedule revolves around the elderly. Grandma is old, and her feelings of fullness and hunger have become dull. Every day, Wang Nan cooks three meals a day on time, and if she doesn't follow the meal, her grandmother will forget that she has eaten or not, repeat her meals or forget to eat. In addition, it is also her daily job to supervise grandma to take medicine on time and in accordance with the amount, give grandma eye drops, and accompany her passport to see her grandma at any time.

"I also began to understand my mother," Wang Nan said, "and she was taking care of my grandmother at that time." Maybe grandma has a lot of impatience here, and it is inevitable that she will have a bad attitude when talking to me. ”

Anxiety about returning home

The full-time daughter who has returned to the family has the protection of her parents, and conflicts and dissatisfaction are brewing in her daily life. After experiencing a "stay-at-home daughter" for several months, some people pointed out that the happiness of a stay-at-home daughter's life depends on the attitude of their parents.

"Under the fence, you need to hand over your freedom. Yang Yue said. In the morning, she did not dare to get up later than her mother, because "when it was late, she would have to nag again, and even I would have to be scolded." Yang Yue, who is 24 years old, is disciplined by her parents as before, and if she doesn't go home at 10:30 in the evening, there are countless WeChat reminders, and if she doesn't answer the phone, she will call one after another.

In the past six months, Yang Yue can clearly feel that his parents' tolerance for him has declined. Parents are picking at their meals more and more. Mother said to Yang Yue more and more often: "I don't do anything at home all day." These words can make Yang Yue feel aggrieved every time, and sometimes she will think angrily: "Obviously, I am doing all the housework, if I scold me again, I will really not do anything." ”

Yang Yue felt that when his parents talked about some small things in their daily lives, the value rose more and more frequently. Not tidying up your room, not covering the plastic bag, and not wiping off the oil stains splashed on the wall after cooking, these details may become the fuse for Yang Yue's "gnawing on the old".

The pressure on people under the eaves is becoming more and more obvious. She behaved more and more cautiously, "Otherwise my mother will scold me." The words are hard to hear, and Mandarin really can't be translated. Many times, the mother and daughter broke out into quarrels, which ended with the mother's accusations of "you get out of my house" and "don't spend my money".

As a full-time daughter at home, her income is tight. Money also becomes an anxiety.

Han Yang often feels guilty about spending his parents' money. Two years ago, Han Yang returned to the family to become a full-time daughter because of illness.

The treatment cost the parents 70,000 or 80,000 yuan. Sometimes, relatives and friends come to visit and leave a sum of money. Her mother often gave it to Han Yang to use for her daily expenses. Han Yang felt very guilty, "I always feel that I shouldn't spend my parents' money, and it feels very unpleasant to rely on my parents when I am so old." For this reason, she rarely buys what she likes, and even her parents can't stand it, and always persuades her: We are just one of your children, the money will be yours sooner or later, and you can't work because you're sick, it's not to gnaw at the old, there's no need to save money.

After returning to the family, Yang Yue has been preparing for the public examination in addition to housework, and has the support of his parents for food and clothing.

Yang Yue's parents have a total monthly salary of more than 10,000 yuan, and they have mortgages and debts to repay. Sometimes Yang Yue saw his parents working so hard and felt that he should go out to earn some money. But his parents didn't want Yang Yue to do other jobs, so he had to have an organized job. Sometimes, when they persuade Yang Yue to take the public examination well and not to be in a hurry to find a job, they persuade her not to worry about spending the family's money: "You don't spend much every month, and you can't help the family with the little money you earn."

"Say so", Yang Yue felt that her parents actually hoped that she could go out to work and earn money soon.

When Yang Yue worked before, he didn't leave too many savings. In the past six months, Yang Yue's income has come from his parents. The parents will give Yang Yue 500 yuan a month, and sometimes the family is short of money and the parents don't give it, and Yang Yue will not take the initiative to ask for it. As an adult, it is embarrassing to ask your parents for money.

Yang Yue thinks that he is rich in material desires. When the seasons change, she wants to buy new clothes, Jay Chou held a concert in August, and she also wanted to buy tickets to watch it, not to mention seeing the photos taken by her peers when she went to travel in the circle of friends, she was envious.

"Young people are always craving something spiritual. But I wanted to go out for dinner and watch a show, and my parents weren't very supportive. On the one hand, I feel that I have wasted my study time, and on the other hand, I feel that I have spent money again. Yang Yue said.

Therefore, Yang Yue can only swipe his credit card, and he can do installments if he doesn't pay it, and the amount of each installment is not much, but the number of installments has accumulated to the end of next year. Such consumption habits made Yang Yue anxious, lying in bed in the middle of the night and worrying about what to do if the credit card could not be repaid one day.

In order to save money and reduce the burden on his parents, Yang Yue sometimes goes to a convenience store near his home to temporarily take up a shift.

Picture丨The convenience store where Yang Yue works

Work in two shifts, from 7:30 a.m. to 2:30 p.m., or from 2:30 p.m. to 9:30 p.m. Convenience stores are open 24 hours a day, and sometimes Yang Yue will go to the night shift. From 9:30 p.m. to 7:30 a.m., Yang Yue had to sit on a stool all night, and the hard bench made Yang Yue's butt hurt. You can earn 120 yuan in the last class, which is not much, but it is enough to eat for a few days.

In the store, Yang Yue was actually very anxious. The anxiety is that there is no way to study in the first half of the day, but the 120 quick money has to be earned. only spent his parents' money, seeing them work so hard, Yang Yue felt uncomfortable. "When the exams come ashore, everything will be fine. Yang Yue made up his mind to study hard, and he wanted to try all the big and small exams this year.

Tangled marriage and career

Before becoming a full-time daughter, Wang Nan's life belonged to an aspiring young man in all aspects: graduated from 985 with a bachelor's degree, drifted north, and worked on the Internet. However, it fell into 996, working from 9 a.m. to 9 p.m. every day, big and small weeks, and often traveling on Saturdays and Sundays.

In May 2020, Wang Nan resigned from the company, dragged his suitcase, set off from Beijing, and took the high-speed train home.

"I want to start a new life, and I can't find my worth in a day like this. "In 2020, the news of new deaths from the epidemic came on the news every day, and Wang Nan felt that life was short and he should not live like this.

After escaping the situation of being trapped by 996, she decided to return to her parents.

Wang Nan's body runs two social clocks. As a stay-at-home daughter, taking care of the family runs a schedule. In addition, she wants to do her best to maintain the social clock of personal achievement, and to do so, she needs to squeeze in enough time to study. She was constantly tired of juggling both.

If you just do the housework and take care of your grandmother, things will be much simpler.

If he wants to take care of the elderly, Wang Nan can't study and work part-time. She has to be by her grandmother's side to watch her, grandma is behind her ears, watching TV at home is often loud, Wang Nan is very noisy even if she is studying in the next room. You can't go out to study either, because it's not safe for the elderly to be at home alone. In the first month of being a full-time daughter at home, Wang Nan found that it was difficult to have time for herself.

As a full-time daughter for two years, 31-year-old Wang Nan became extremely disgusted with marriage because of two unpleasant blind dates arranged by her parents and her mother urgently "urging marriage".

While tolerating her daughter's return to the family and postponing employment, Wang Nan's parents worried about her marriage.

Under the arrangement of his parents, Wang Nan went on a blind date three times. The second time, the men who participated in the blind date excused themselves to be very satisfied with Wang Nan and wanted to come up and hug her. Wang Nan silently pushed the man away, hurriedly chatted a few more words and said goodbye. Because it was introduced by his family, Wang Nan didn't dare to tear his face, but he was very unhappy in his heart.

When she got home, she told her mother what the man had done. But a few days later, the family arranged for her to go on a blind date.

This time the man set the date in the park, and afterwards, Wang Nan realized that he deliberately avoided the meal at that time, Wang Nan thought that the man didn't even want to invest money for a meal, and just wanted to find out at the lowest cost whether Wang Nan could marry him immediately and have a child quickly.

For Wang Nan, getting married has no benefit at all. But her parents couldn't accept it, and they always said that people should follow humanity and that they should get married when they were old enough to get married. Not getting married is a great rebellion. Therefore, Wang Nan couldn't tell his parents that he didn't want to get married.

At one time, her mother scolded Wang Nan for being unfilial because she avoided marriage. Wang Nan hid back in the room, and her mother cried out in tears outside her door, claiming that she would use a knife to split Wang Nan's door. Her father asked her: What's the use of reading so many books, your classmates don't read so many books, just get married early and have a baby. Wang Nan said that she didn't reply, because it was useless to reply, and these hatreds were all in her heart.

Faced with a blind date, another "full-time daughter" Wang Mi was confused. She declares that marriage is taken as it comes. But after becoming a full-time daughter, she had to let go of this insistence and go on a blind date with her family's arrangement. Once, the man she was on a blind date with didn't speak, and kept lowering his head to play with his mobile phone. Because of the awkward atmosphere of that meeting, Wang Mi left in a hurry after the meeting, and was accused by her mother: It was too rude to leave without saying hello. Wang Mi felt puzzled and angry: "After I went home, I ignored my mother for three days. ”

It's different from the young people who have made up their minds to gnaw on the old to make a living. Many stay-at-home daughters feel like they're in a dormant state. They live under the wing of their parents, waiting for a good opportunity to return to the workplace and society.

While staying at home full-time, Wang Nan prepared for the law exam and the postgraduate exam, which she eventually passed and went to Kunming in August to work as a trainee lawyer. The salary of a trainee lawyer is around two to three thousand yuan per month. Wang Nan also doesn't know if she can make a career as a lawyer, so as to get ahead, "do it first", Wang Nan said, she needs to use this job to socialize, as a stepping from the full-time daughter state to adult society, to establish a connection with the outside world.

broke the social clock, and the eyes of the outside world would still be in accordance with secular standards, and Yang Yue would be whipped from time to time.

For Yang Yue, who is in graduate school, there is more fear and anxiety than his undergraduate classmates, who dare not go down when standing on a high place. It's already a 985 master's degree, and the job I'm looking for must be decent, "I've come here, it seems that I must continue to be excellent."

Sometimes, Yang Yue would help out at the convenience store where her mother worked, and when customers saw her, they would naturally ask, "Isn't Yang Yue still working?" Yang Yue would explain: "After graduating with a master's degree, I am preparing for the public examination at home." Sometimes, after the customer left, his mother would tell Yang Yue to study hard, and sometimes his mother was silent, but Yang Yue knew what his mother was thinking. "I feel a little ashamed," Yang Yue thought to himself.

Yang Yue is a relatively strong person, and when he said that he didn't have a job, he felt a little unable to raise his head. In such a state, it is easy for people to be sensitive and have low self-esteem. She basically lost contact with her former classmates, "I don't want them to know that I am living such a life".

After returning to his family, Yang Yue has been preparing for public office. It's a narrow door. According to the data of the Ministry of Education, 37,100 people will be recruited in the 2023 "National Examination", and 2,597,700 people will pass the qualification examination nationwide, and the actual reference number is 1,525,000. In other words, only 1 out of every 41 candidates who finally take the national examination will be admitted.

For candidates, failing to clear the list means that they have worked hard in the past year and need to retake the exam or return to the job market. In 2023, the number of college graduates in China will reach 11.58 million, an increase of 7.62% and 27.39% compared with 2022 and 2021, respectively. At the same time, there has been no significant increase in jobs.

Under the wings of his parents, the uncertain danger of the future makes Yang Yue feel even more anxious. Mental internal friction follows you like a shadow.

Yang Yue has had frequent insomnia for nearly 1 year. Every day before going to bed, all kinds of worries would pop up in her mind, she was worried that she would not be able to take the public entrance examination, and she was worried that her life would wither. Tarot cards became her spiritual sustenance. For a long time, she would watch divination videos anxiously before going to bed, and fall asleep in a trance under the sound of video analysis. No matter how long she has insomnia, she has to get up early on time, otherwise, she will be anxious about whether she will bear the hidden blame of her parents.

For a while, she often felt that her heart was racing and she couldn't breathe for no apparent reason. She later learns that it was a somatization reaction triggered by excessive anxiety.

In July 2023, because the blind review of the dissertation was not passed, Yang Yue failed to graduate with a master's degree as scheduled. After the extension, Yang Yue also lost the career editor treatment that was originally available to work in a public institution in this province, and a settlement allowance of 100,000 yuan. Her job fell apart, and she had to stay at home, anxious and dormant waiting for a new opportunity to enter society.

In horizontal comparison, many of the undergraduate students have already had stable employment. She envied her brother who "went ashore" in the provincial examination in the second year after graduating from the bachelor's degree, and heard that some classmates finally found a job after failing the graduate school entrance examination. These news made Yang more and more anxious, it seemed that everyone was getting out of the predicament, only he was still trapped in place and made no progress, "I even felt that my future life was going to end." Yang Yue said.

She closed the circle of friends to avoid frequent reading of these peer messages and making comparisons.

"I would have felt better without this. ”

* Names have been changed

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Written by Yang Tinghui

Editor|Wen Lihong