"Single mother, this title highlights the missing piece,
Raising alone, it is especially powerful. ”
Musician Wei Xueman founded "One Mother" in 2015,
It is a non-profit organization dedicated to providing psychological support for single mothers.
It is estimated that there are more than 20 million single mothers in China.
The group is large and secretive.
At present, "One Mother" has more than 300 volunteers.
Provide them with legal, financial management, psychological counseling and other services,
It's completely free.
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Wei Xueman is a musician and the founder of "One Mother".
In 2016, Wei Xueman herself became a lone mother,
She felt more keenly the need for these women
How difficult it is to face the situation with courage and wisdom.
Sole mothers are often financially budget-conscious,
Life is racing against time and turning yourself into a time machine.
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Milan is raising a 6-year-old baby on her own and is also the company's director of human resources
One filmed Wei Xueman,
and a day in Milan, the mother who raised a 6-year-old dragon and phoenix baby alone,
"Do you think that as your child grows up,
What's the most important thing to give him?"
One asked the same question to both mothers,
They all gave the answer,
"Love is the most important thing. ”
Statement: Wei Xueman, Milan
Editor: Ni Pujia
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Wei Xueman has always paid attention to the growth of women, and she collaborated with Tan Weiwei and Jin Chi on the song "She, She, She", which talks about the power of women
"One Mother" is a non-profit organization dedicated to providing psychological support to mothers raising children alone.
We speculate that there are more than 20 million single mothers in China, some divorced, widowed, some unmarried, or it may be a marital crisis, and the father has little time to participate in parenting. We currently serve more than 7,000 mothers directly in our community.
Single mothers, we always feel that this title is a bit problematic, it emphasizes the missing part, "raising alone", which is particularly powerful.
There is a widowed mother, her husband died suddenly, and before she could deal with her loss, she immediately had to get involved in the whirlpool of survival, mortgage, children's education...... She didn't have a job before her husband died, she was well educated, graduated in law, but in this acute situation, she had to go to odd jobs in exchange for a meagre income.
For a long time afterward, she had to heal her own loss, accompany her children to heal their loss, and rebuild their lives little by little.
There are also unmarried mothers, after she broke up with her boyfriend, she found out that she was pregnant, she didn't complain without any complaints, she gave birth to the child without notifying anyone, she took this responsibility, she is a designer, she took the child to the interview alone, she made me feel very amazing.
A divorced mother, when she first wanted to raise a child alone, found out that she had breast cancer, "a mother" has various forms to accompany her, such as one-on-one psychological counseling, offline support groups, until she gets better after a re-examination, in fact, the person who finally crossed the dark hole is herself, "a mother" may be a curative factor.
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The offline activity of "One Mother" is an offline activity in which mothers support each other
I am a singer, also study psychological counseling, in 2014, I graduated from dance therapy, we need to go to internship, use the learned therapy techniques to help a group of people, I can talk to my classmates to do a "single mother psychological support program", and I found that a dance therapy classmate is a single mother, she is a doctor of psychology from Peking University, with 3 children, to work, to take care of children's academic growth, but also to provide psychological support for others, this wisdom in her, Resilience inspired me, and I decided to do it.
In the early days, there was no money, and in the first year there was an anonymous donor, Mr. L, whose mother was a single mother. "A Mother" was first in the form of a radio station, and I invited my classmates and teachers who did psychological counseling to come to my home, like a tea party, with a voice recorder in the middle, to talk about what 0~3 parenting should be? What are the characteristics of 3~6-year-old children's development? The topic revolves around parenting, parent-child relationship, and intimate relationship.
I also started recording picture books, and I locked myself in my cloakroom at home for many episodes to keep the noise down.
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Outdoor parent-child activities organized by "One Mother".
Alone mothers are a hidden group, at first you will find it difficult to find them, they have a deep buried shame, as if many mothers will feel that my relationship has failed, my life has failed, and even widowed mothers will feel this way.
Through the form of radio, we reached many single mothers, and slowly developed into a community. Once we accompany them to re-examine their situation, the shame may disappear - you are so courageous, so powerful, you are so alone to deal with so many things, so wise, we want to accompany them to see this part.
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Answers to questions about the law, psychology and other aspects of the One Mother community
At present, we have more than 30 communities online, and we have also started daily live broadcasts on Douyin. More than 300 volunteers, providing services to our mothers completely free of charge. There are more than 100 lawyers, teaching everyone how to fight divorce lawsuits, how to fight alimony, and how to honor the will of the deceased husband...... There are also financial experts, psychological counselors, and so on.
Many mothers don't know how to explain to their children where their dad has gone, and our counselor will discuss with them and tell them the actual situation with sincerity, so that there is no family secret there, like an elephant in the middle of the living room.
The feeling of indebtedness to the child is also an important issue for the mother who has just begun to raise alone, first of all, put yourself in the position of a neutral mother, you do not owe anything to the child, because there is only so much you can control.
We have offline groups in more than 10 cities across the country, which are psychological support groups, and mothers in the same city are able to help each other.
A widowed mother, probably after she joined the group for the third time, she calmly went to deal with her husband's household registration, which she had not been able to cancel before, and she couldn't accept it. I feel that accepting what has already happened will lead to a new beginning.
We also have some light healing activities, such as rafting albums. We would send out some blank albums from Beijing and drift them to different mothers' houses.
Mom would write who I was, what I wanted to say, and then work with the child to create something. The album drifted to Jinan, in a courier station, where a mother and child worked. The mother said, I'm so tired and I want to sleep.
The album drifted to a playground in Hunan, where the children played and their mothers set up stalls nearby. She said that she earned 35 yuan this afternoon, but the child spent more than 100 yuan as soon as she played.
Since 2018, we have been drifting every year, and now we have 6 books, visited more than 50 cities, and more than 100 mothers and children have made their works on it.
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Wei Xueman auditioned for a musical and applied for the role of a lone mother
In 2016, I had been doing the "One Mother" thing for two or three years, and I became a single mother myself. At first, I had a deep sense of shame about "being a mother". I realized how arrogant and ignorant my previous speculation about my mother was. I really realized how difficult it is to be a lone mother.
I didn't leave my daughter until she was 3 years old. Luckily, I can take the work home with me and do it. In the second year of having a baby, I felt that I had dried up and had no more energy to help others, and that "One Mother" was just a little bit closer.
But my friends said they didn't want a salary, and at the most difficult stage when I couldn't afford to raise money anymore, they persevered, and now there are only two full-time employees in "One Mother". We are getting better now, and more and more capable people are joining us as part-time or volunteers.
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Musical Theatre Audition
After having a baby, I missed at least four or five particularly big productions of musicals, and this time I especially wanted to interview for the role of mother in "To Evan Hansen", because she is a single mother, and the main character is actually her son, but to understand why his son became like this, he is very anxious, but he is so kind and courageous, what is going on with him, his mother is a particularly important source.
I've been raising my daughter alone for 8 years, and I've always thought I've healed myself, isn't I very good? I'm still working, raising my children to be lively and cheerful, but when I first got the singing section in "To Evan Hansen" and started to learn it, I cried every time I listened to it, and I don't know how many times I cried, so I could calmly perform as a musical actor.
The lyrics are a very realistic portrayal of Dufu's mother, "The empty room is so big, and I am so small", the big one is not the room, it is an unpredictable future.
"Memories are like wounds that don't heal, I'm not afraid to fill the gap in your life", the child's life gap is not filled, and he can only try to give him his mother's complete love, is she really not afraid?
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Research Report on the Living Conditions and Needs of Single Mothers in Ten Cities
63.5% of single mothers have a monthly income of less than 4,000 yuan
There is a saying that I don't know who said, but I always remember it - to support the hand that pushes the cradle is to support the whole world.
"One Mother" still has a lot to do, such as landing "One Mother" childcare stations in various cities across the country, which is really a just need for a mother to care for a mother when the child is still young. There can be very professional staff in the childcare station to help them, so that they can send their children over when they can't take care of them, and they are very relieved.
For those single mothers with very low incomes, our ability is very limited. It is hoped that more people and institutions can work together to support single mothers and build a better social support system. Our organization has a vision, I hope that there will be no single mother in the world, but there will be, so I hope that even if we leave this world, there will be people who will continue to be "one mother", as long as there is a single mother, there will be "one mother".
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Stills from "I Passed Through the Storm", which tells the story of women's struggle against domestic violence
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Milan at the workstation
My name is Milan, 38 years old this year, and I am the mother of a pair of 6-year-old dragon and phoenix children, strictly speaking, I took them alone for nearly half a year, but in my own heart, I have basically managed it alone for the past five or six years.
The movie "I Passed Through the Storm" released some time ago, some of the plots are the same as my experience, when I was with my ex-husband, I was hit to complete self-denial, "what you do, people with long heads can do it", I feel that if I want to prove myself, I have to come out to work, when my child was more than a year old, I found a job, and in this company for four and a half years, I was promoted to the director of human resources and a senior partner of the company.
The work has healed me, and I feel that I am needed and recognized here.
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Wake up at 7 a.m., race against time to pack up with 2 children, and go out by 8 a.m
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On Milan's birthday, her daughter gave her this painting, "to give her mother a beautiful house"
Half a year ago, on the first day of officially moving out from the child's father, my son suddenly said something to me, hugged me and said, Mom, let's take a photo, and the three of us will live together in the future.
Even if it's hard for me, I don't regret giving birth to a dragon and phoenix fetus, my parents divorced when I was a child, and I grew up with 4 aunts, which is equivalent to not having a complete home of my own.
After renting the house, we cleaned the room, bought greenery, bought a lazy sofa, and they now have a lot of self-reliant habits, such as taking a shower by themselves, putting away toys, and even helping me with cleaning.
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A trolley for two children
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Children become more self-reliant
Joining "One Mother" has been a matter of the last month, and this year our mother and wife are very unfortunate, every time the flu is a fever, I am stubbornly resisting my sick state, and I am very fragile with two children with fever in the hospital.
I think it's always not okay, there is no strength to support, I heard that there are some mutual aid communities abroad for single mothers, and there are even single mothers who live together and take care of each other in parenting, so I went to search for whether there is one in China.
The moment I found "a mother", I suddenly felt a sense of security. We are a group of people who are able to perceive each other together. On the day of the snowfall, I secretly cried at my workstation, because of a topic in the "One Mother" group, which made me empathize, a mother mentioned that it was a bit hard to take care of children, and I suddenly thought that these 6 years have been almost all year round.
There is also some very practical help, such as talking to the law and psychology teachers about some of my current problems.
I am currently the preparer and initiator of the "One Mother" Hebei regional group, my mobile phone is broken this year, and when I set up a new mobile phone, I don't know who to fill in the emergency contact column. I hope that after getting to know a group of lone mothers in the same city, they can really establish another relationship besides family affection, and support each other to complete this slightly difficult journey in life.
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After the kindergarten is over, the teacher helps to send it to the nearby physical fitness center for physical training classes
I picked and chose the children's kindergarten, and finally chose the private kindergarten on my way to and from work, which can meet my needs for card time. The journey to work after dropping off my children is a small time to relax, especially in autumn, when the leaves on the roadside are yellow, and I can listen to music for only a few minutes.
Because this kind of time is so rare, after giving birth to a child, I live a time machine, and I can calculate it from morning to night.
Coming soon for the winter vacation, they still have to continue to go to school, because I don't have a holiday, they can only go to kindergarten all year round.
Kindergarten is 17:30, I get off work at 18:30, if the children are always picked up late, I am afraid that they will have low self-esteem in their hearts, in the long wait, feel that they are not loved, so in the evening ask the kindergarten teacher to help send to the gym, or arrange English class...... Make them have the most time to pick them up after work.
On the weekend, I stewed some beef and braised pork in advance, divided them into small bags, and by the middle of the week, I took out a bag and added some water to make a meal.
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Read a picture book to your child every night
I think the most important thing for a child to grow up with unconditional love from his parents, because it will give him a lot of strength.
Including the time when the relationship between me and the child's father was tense, I didn't say anything bad about my father, I said that my mother and father are the people who love you the most in the world, including their meeting with my father and making phone calls, I didn't stop me at all.
Now I earn money for three people to spend, which is just enough for daily life, and my ability to resist risks is very, very low.
Some time ago, the company's management went to Macau together, and I went with me to relax for a few days, which was the most relaxing few days in my 6 years. After coming back, my son expressed envy and repeatedly told me that my mother wanted to go to Sanya.
I said that my mother has no way to take you to Sanya now, I directly settled the account with the two of them, how much is the air ticket for three people, how much is the accommodation, he knows that this matter is a challenge to his mother, and then he will not talk about it.
But I still feel very content and grateful. If it weren't for this job, I wouldn't be able to maintain this state, a survey report on single mothers in 10 cities shows that the monthly income of less than 4,000 yuan accounts for more than 60% of single mothers, in fact, they are really incapable? No, a few years ago I sacrificed a lot for the family, and it was too difficult to start from scratch with children.
I hope that we can all grow up to be more and more resilient to risks, even if the road of life in the future is destined to be the three of us supporting each other together.