"There are no real negative emotions! all feelings are right!"
The author of this book, Zheng Huixin, is a psychotherapist and psychiatrist, and she summed up her more than 30 years of experience in helping others into three sentences that fully express empathy:
"You're right"
"How have you been feeling lately?"
"That's what you think!"
The core point is to accept the other person's emotions, accurately describe the other person's feelings, and listen in a feedback style rather than a judgmental way.
If we can deeply understand the true meaning of these three sentences and how to use them, we will move towards a better stage in our own lives and relationships with others.
True empathy is empathy
What do you think is empathy before opening the book?
One mother received a call from a teacher saying that her child was fighting with a classmate at school.
When the child came home, he said to his mother, "I hit my classmate, but he provoked me first." The teacher scolded me so badly that I knew it was wrong. Mom, I'm sorry. ”
His mother comforted him and said, "It's not right for you to hit someone first." It's good that you know it's wrong. Not again next time. ”
Unexpectedly, the child cried aggrievedly and said, "Mom, you can't do this, you should ask me why I hit someone."
The teacher would only scold me, and I already felt sad, so my mother had to comfort me. It was my classmate who provoked me first, and I endured it for a long time before hitting him. Why do you even say I'm wrong, Mom?"
The crux of this story is empathy.
Empathy is not simply sympathy, but making oneself that person, becoming one with him, sharing the same experience.
When a person's inner emotions are not understood or even denied, their hearts will be full of pain and they will not be able to solve problems.
There is no such thing as good or bad emotions, what matters is how to deal with them
In parenting, children often have such and such emotions, and it will be difficult to calm down for a while.
We often try to empathize with our children, but parents also find out why the more we empathize with our children, the more they cry.
In fact, when this happens, it shows that empathy with children is working.
The child is defenseless against you and shows you the truest side of your emotions.
It may be that the child has been depressed for too long and needs to release his emotions.
So how do you empathize with your child?
1. Accept and understand your child's emotions:
Empathy is about perceiving your child's emotions and accepting them first, no matter what happens. After calming down your emotions, let's look at how to solve the problem.
2. Use a sentence to help your child express his emotions:
For example, child, do you feel sad, don't you? You want to cry very much, right? Mom is with you, you can cry if you want to. It's okay.
Children will gradually be able to distinguish what kind of emotions they are in.
3. Give your child time to ease up:
When you think it's okay, talk to your mom about your business, and see how we can solve it.
4. Maintain an emotional connection with your child:
Accept and wait, let the child have a time and space to face his emotions, and then he can learn to deal with his emotions and maintain a good emotional connection with others.
This kind of empathy starts with the younger the child, the better, and if your child is older, you can also try it. The best time is always now, when you realize the importance of empathy.
Children who have always had a better emotional connection will avoid emotional ups and downs and be more optimistic and confident, because bad emotions will slowly calm down in this empathy mode.
It will also teach children how to recognize and deal with their emotions.
Emotions are not good or bad, the key is how to deal with the relationship between emotions and self when we have emotions, so that there is a channel for the venting of emotions and maintain a connection with the self.
Restrain the desire to criticize education
Why do parents like critical education?
Many parents are teaching their children to say some critical words, but they don't really want to educate their children in this way.
It is very common for some parents to have emotional breakdowns in the process of educating their children, so parents must learn to control their emotions.
In this way, I can let myself deal with my child's mistakes and shortcomings rationally, and I will not let myself say something that is not my heart when I am in a bad mood.
Is it true that in the eyes of parents, their children have no merit at all?
Every child has his own shortcomings, but also his unique strengths.
As a parent, you can't blindly see the shortcomings in your child, and you want to change the shortcomings in your child, but you can't see the advantages of your child as a parent.
No child is perfect, so don't deny a child because he is imperfect, even parents are not perfect, what qualifications do you have to ask for children?
In fact, many parents hate iron and steel, and most of them do so because they want their children to be the best.
There are even some parents who have a comparison mentality, because their children are perfect in everything, so that they can make themselves have face in front of others.
In fact, many parents love their children very much, but because they are always eager to let their children realize their shortcomings, they will take fewer detours, and they also want to motivate their children through this method.
However, children are children after all, and their psychology cannot be as mature as adults, and such blind criticism makes children become inferior and rebellious.
It is better to try to use praise to discover the child's strengths, which will also build the child's self-confidence, and the parents and children will not jump every day.
Parents should accept their children's mediocrity, correct this mentality, and let it develop naturally, which is what a good parent should do.
Write at the end
Shaking people's hearts does not rely on debate and persuasion, empathy is the biggest killer weapon to persuade the other party.
Born lonely, poor all our lives, all we pursue is understanding and proximity.
There are no real "negative emotions", only "inner needs" that are not understood, and those bad emotions, since they are daily problems that we often encounter, also need the help of others - to overcome the difficulties.
We are not healers, but all those who can save others are healers.
Including ourselves.
Empathy is the most primitive intensity and conciseness, which can be widely used in any kind of relationship and conflict, as long as you master the correct empathy code, you can use it as a starting point in any occasion to protect yourself from harm, and at the same time establish a lasting intimate relationship to help us be a powerful and needed person.
The road to healing is long and difficult.
All feelings are right, and when you realize this, you can take care of not only others, but also your own heart.