The other day, a friend and I complained:
"My relationship with my son is getting worse and worse, and now it's almost 'three days a big quarrel, a little quarrel every day. ”
He is annoyed by a few casual words, and this is not right, that is not good, what do you think I should do?"
How can we prevent the "collapse" of the parent-child relationship? Parents must do their best to do the following:
Say less than 4 types of words, do 4 more things, and don't worry about 3 kinds of minds.
Say less about four types of words
1. Don't say nagging
Every day with their children, parents always can't help but nag:
Did the homework be written?
What time is it and you still don't get up?
Why are you playing with your phone again?
......
However, many parents find that the more they talk, the more disobedient their children become.
Psychology has shown that there is an "inverted U-curve" between the frequency of verbal repetition and the effect of persuasion.
In the same way, repeating it over and over again will not only fail to educate the child, but will also make the child resistant.
The more you nag, the more rebellious your child becomes, and even if he knows that what you say is right, he will not do it in order to confront you.
Only by knowing how to talk about things, not turning over old accounts, and pointing to the end, can you really convince and correct your children.
2. Don't say anything provocative
A mother and baby blogger shared an experience of his own:
She went to a friend's house as a guest, and during the chat between the two, the friend kept saying that her son was not good, timid, cowardly, and had no opinions of his own......
During the meal, she also kept holding on to her son, accusing him of sitting improperly and not being polite at all.
No matter what the child does, she doesn't like it and tries to find faults.
Her son also went from being full of energy at the beginning to gradually lowering his head and remaining silent.
Parents who are always picky, their children are unlikely to be confident, let alone happy.
Let go of your own prejudices, discover your child's strengths, and give more encouragement and acceptance, so that your child can get better and better in positive feedback.
3. Don't say what you preach
"You should eat more vegetables, it's not right to be picky eaters. ”
"You're an older sister, can't you let your younger brother a little?"
"You have to study hard Xi, otherwise you won't be able to go to high school, you won't be admitted to college, and your life will be over......"
Do you often say these things to your children?
As for the children, they either ignore you or dislike you.
Reasoning is the most ineffective education, and it is also the education that ruins the parent-child relationship.
Less condescending preaching, more "I understand you" empathy.
No matter how much reason you talk about, it is better to squat down, ask the child what he thinks, and empathize with the child's emotions, so that the child is willing to open up to us.
4. Don't talk about comparison
The host Li Xiaomeng once recalled his childhood experience on the show.
Dad took her to the event, and when she came back, she complained to her mother:
"Other people's daughters are as beautiful as flowers and butterflies, cute and lively, and our daughters are black and thin, and they are still shrunk in a corner......"
The comparisons that her parents often talk about have caused her personality to be very inferior.
In the book "Poisoned Parents", it is said:
"No child wants to admit that they are inferior to others, they want to be affirmed by adults, and their understanding of themselves often comes from adult evaluation. ”
But many parents can only see the advantages of other people's children and demean their own children everywhere.
How many ancient poems did other children memorize, how many calligraphy they practiced, and how many books did they read......
But the more parents love to compare, the worse the child will become, because his self-confidence has already been exhausted in your comparisons again and again.
Do four more things
1. Talk nonsense with your children more
Cross talk actor Yu Qian was once asked: "What are you most afraid of your son talking to you?"
He said that what he was most afraid of was that his son didn't say anything:
"Because you can't understand him, you can't enter his world. ”
This is also the confusion faced by many parents, the older the child, the more there is nothing to say between parents and children.
Ask him everything, "um", "oh", "nothing", "got it", "are you bothered"......
And this is precisely because parents only care about academic Xi and grades, only talk about big truths, only criticize and blame, and over time, children will have no desire to express and share.
If I only say things that are useful, my child will feel that my parents don't care about my thoughts and feelings.
And those seemingly "useless nonsense" can shorten the psychological distance between him and the child, so that he can feel seen and cared for.
Usually, you may wish to chat more with your child about gossip and homely things, and learn about his partners, interests, and after-school life.
When children speak, they should also be able to do not interrupt, deny, or perfunctory.
2. Eat dinner with your children
I once watched an interview with a child:
If you could have dinner with anyone in the world, who would it be?
The children all chose their own mom and dad.
It seems to be an ordinary meal, but it has become the strongest desire in the child's heart.
Nowadays, many parents are busy socializing, and the number of times they go home to eat is getting less and less, even at the dinner table, they are holding their mobile phones all the time, and there is no communication with their children.
You must know that a family with a cold dining table cannot raise a child with a strong sense of happiness.
Parents should make more time to put down their phones and work, and devote themselves to eating more meals with their children.
In fact, what children want is for the whole family to sit together, enjoy food happily, and chat happily, which is the best love and companionship.
3. Take your children to do more things that interest you
CCTV News once reported on a little girl.
Since she was a child, she has loved to do handicrafts, and likes to collect discarded food cans, packaging bags, chopsticks, etc., and "turn waste into treasure".
The mother didn't think that her daughter was wasting time, but accompanied her daughter to do things and think together whenever she was free.
During the summer vacation, my mother and her daughter made a dream town with a height of 1.2 meters out of waste cardboard boxes.
As there is a passage in the documentary "Little Boy":
"If you support a child's interest, it may not make the child successful, but it may give the child a different strength to face a sometimes boring and difficult life. ”
Caring for children's interests and loves is the best nourishment for children's hearts.
Just like the little girl's mother thinks, accompanying her daughter to do what she is interested in is the best way to accompany her daughter to grow up.
4. Let children grow more knowledge
Tao Xingzhi once said that life is education, and society is school.
It is not necessary to spend a lot of money, but to walk a lot of roads and take pictures and check in all over the country, so that there is little point in traveling to see the flowers.
Instead, with a curious and exploratory heart, we can see the vastness of the world, experience the diversity of the world, and feel the reality of life.
Museums and science and technology museums at the doorstep can not only make children feel the weight of history and the power of science and technology, but also broaden their horizons;
Take your child to try their hand at setting up a stall and get rid of toys, books, or handicrafts that you don't need at home.
This process can not only exercise children's courage and improve children's patience, but also the best way to educate money and emotional intelligence;
When you have time, you can also watch documentaries with your children at home, they are both informative and interesting, and you can feast your eyes on the beauty of mountains and rivers and the diversity of creatures without leaving home......
In fact, it does not have to travel, it is more hidden in daily life, as long as parents are attentive enough, they can create a lot of warm parent-child time.
Don't worry about three kinds of hearts
1. Don't worry about reading idle books
The importance of reading is self-evident, but many parents have some misconceptions:
Only let children read books related to Xi school, and the purpose of reading books is to improve their grades......
In fact, "idle books" seem to be useless, but they contain many profound truths and insights.
Martial arts novels also have the righteousness and heroism of the family and country, online novels also have imagination and magnificent imagination, and anime also has hot-blooded teenagers and dream-chasing journeys.
"Idle books" are the driving force for children to fall in love with reading, and they may also be the source of stimulating children's interest.
This year's college entrance examination student Lu Yifei scored a total of 721 points, of which Li Zong achieved a dazzling score of 296 points.
One summer vacation in high school, she read the novel "The Three-Body Problem", and she became obsessed with physics, and participated in various physics competitions independently, which is also an important reason for her outstanding performance in science.
Therefore, for reading, parents should have the foresight of "the scenery should be long-term".
I believe that in the near future, the books that the child has read will benefit him.
2. Don't worry when you're alone
Educator Montessori once said that you should never disturb a child unless you are invited by it.
But many parents just do the opposite:
Seeing the child bored at home, disgusted with him as "introverted and unproductive";
Afraid that the child would not be focused, he installed a camera to monitor the child all the time;
Seeing that the child is idle, he always follows behind him to urge and urge......
The quickest way to ruin a child is to stay with him all the time.
Staring at your child all the time will only make your child more nervous, anxious, and full of psychological pressure.
After the child is 3 years old, parents should give him space to be alone.
The child is quietly waiting for a while, but he is actually storing energy for himself.
Children who learn to be alone tend to be more focused, self-disciplined, better at thinking, and more mentally resilient to withstand the ups and downs of life in the future.
3. Don't worry about seeing your classmates
A mother in the circle of friends asked for help:
What should I do if my child is messing with his classmates and friends day by day, either playing crazy downstairs or playing ball, in short, not doing his job?
Like this mother, many parents want their children to learn more and play less to improve themselves, but they often ignore the importance of socialization.
In the process of playing, children can learn how to communicate with others, learn to solve problems, and their oral and interpersonal skills can be greatly improved.
What's more, nowadays, children's psychological pressure is very great, and psychological problems cannot be ignored.
But parents also need to pay attention to two things:
First, we must teach children the etiquette and upbringing of getting along with others, and second, we must stipulate that children must go home on time and not spend the night outside.
Psychologist He Lingfeng once said:
"The parent-child relationship is that if you can maintain a normal relationship with your child, you will have influence on him, and if you can't maintain a normal relationship with him, you will no longer have influence. ”
A good relationship is better than a good education, and the essence of parenting is to maintain a good parent-child relationship.
Don't let the wrong way of parenting and speaking make parents and children cold and alienated.
I hope that all parents can take the opportunity of companionship to create a high-quality parent-child relationship.