Last time I had dinner with a friend, I talked about my past relationship experiences.
Ta said that every time the love period passed, the two parties began to quarrel, and they both felt that the other party did not feel sorry for them and did not understand them.
Sometimes, even if you are really wronged, the other party rarely cares, and will only throw down the sentence "Can you not be like a child".
Until he met his current lover, he said with a gentle face:
"This time it's very different. When I felt insecure, wanted to back down, or felt helpless, the other person was there, caring for me like a mother, comforting me, and I was allowed to be a child for the first time in a relationship.
I will do this when the other person needs it. We've been together for 2 years, and although not as passionate as we were at first, this feeling of attachment with intimacy has made us love each other even more. 」
The experience of being allowed to be a child is actually a very important component of every relationship, and without it, it would be difficult for the relationship to go forward.
After the passion fades,
Love will enter the "intimate bonding period"
During the time when the relationship was just confirmed, the strong hormones diluted our rationality, and the lovers in our eyes looked good.
However, as we spend more and more time together and have more and more problems to deal with, the novelty and passion of not getting to know each other well in the early days gradually fades.
Each other's shortcomings become obvious, and they will quarrel over all kinds of small things, such as forgetting to say it when they get off work late, asking them if they still love each other, and their lovers fall asleep first, emo crying alone, thinking that they don't care enough about themselves, etc.
These feelings and phenomena indicate that the previous phase has come to an end and the relationship has entered a new phase: the "intimate bonding period".
While the term may conjure up images of physical intimacy, the focus at this stage is on fragile, which means that the relationship is full of new trials.
Like what:
- Generate a sense of insecurity, send messages more frequently, and hope that the other party will reply in a timely manner;
- Introduce the hypothetical of external competition (XX chased me before/XX said he liked me), eager to feel cared for from the jealous reaction of the lover;
- When you are sick, you are very dependent on the other person, and you want to feel care and love from the other person.
- He has repeatedly talked about the traumatic experience of his youth, trying to get the promise of "I will give you a lot of love" and "I will not let you get hurt again".
Of course, there are not just a few ways for everyone to show vulnerability. However, the main points are:
Trying to see if I could be a child in the relationship safely, occasionally hurt, is a sign of commitment, meaning that the relationship is no longer just passionate, but also deeply attached to each other.
If the other person can't take on the vulnerability we have exposed, we may be disappointed and think that all previous promises were false, and the relationship will be stuck. There are even people who resolutely propose to break up because their needs are not met at this stage, no matter how long they have been together before.
In short, if you want to have a long-term and high-quality relationship, this stage must be successfully passed. So what exactly should we do?
When you expose your vulnerability like a child,
Can the other person be your parent?
The return of adults to the state of the child is also called the "child ego state" in psychology. When we encounter some difficult problems or enter into an intimate relationship, this hidden child will run out.
In daily life, most people are Xi communicating as an adult, pursuing rationality, objectivity and facts.
As a result, when we fall back into the child ego and the partner is still in the adult ego, the situation may become like this:
Talking about when we were children, our parents loved our younger brother more, we were neglected, we couldn't do emo, and we began to curl up and shed tears in our children's self-state.
The partner of the adult self-state is on the side: "You're all grown up now, you don't have to worry about them at all. 」
At this time, even if the response given by the partner is in line with the objective situation, the original intention is to comfort or relieve you, but it sounds cold, and does not correspond to our needs in the child's self-state - the love of comfort and accommodation, so we will feel unappreciated and disappointed in our partner.
Of course, there is an even worse situation in which both partners enter the state of the child at the same time.
In the same case, when your child's ego partner grabs attention and starts talking about the trauma you experienced as a child, instead of focusing on you, you will have a greater sense of loss.
Therefore, when one partner in the relationship becomes a fragile child, the correct way to get through this stage smoothly and deepen the attachment to each other rather than add to the disappointment in each other is actually to switch to the caring "parental ego state" when one partner enters the child ego state.
Seeing the grievances and pain we left in our hearts, our partners hugged us and comforted us, "You must have been very uncomfortable at that time, you were all the children of your parents, but you couldn't get their complete love. 」
Because when a person retreats into the state of being a child, he essentially wants to get love and care, and to be emotionally comforted and accommodated by others, rather than rational preaching and analysis of pros and cons.
Be careful, only one parent is a parent for a long time
Seeing this, you may think that the experience of being a child is really good, and who doesn't want to be loved and tolerated by the other person, but if one party has always been a child, and the other parent has to be a parent all the time?
Indeed, most people are often stuck in the following two situations, and it is difficult to break through the test of this stage:
1. My partner has been a parent for a long time, and as a child, I may experience:
She has always been very good to me, from the time of her pursuit, she said that she would give me all the love that I had missing when I was a child, and every time I was sad and even crazy, she accepted it all, constantly comforting me and hugging me.
When I was sick, she cooked for me for a month and cleaned the house, and I took it for granted that she loved me and never expressed her gratitude.
Then one day, she suddenly disappeared and I couldn't get in touch, and I realized that I had been "broken up off a cliff".
I found a mutual friend, and they told me that she was too tired to hold on in the relationship, and felt that I had lost my adult self-awareness in the relationship, and had become a child completely, asking her for love all the time. At that time, I realized that I had been a child all the time, and I would put so much pressure on the other party.
- Xianzi, 28 years old
2. My partner has been a child for a long time, and as a parent, I may experience:
At first, I thought it was okay, after all, you have to help each other together, and if you feel hurt and want to be a child, then I will take on the role of a parent, care more about you, give you support and strength, these are not any problems for me.
But what I'm sad about is that once I also encountered a very big thing, people were confused, and they were forced to regress to the state of children, and as a result, they had to behave in a way that made me very cold, and they persuaded me not to be too naïve, it was not a big deal, they didn't care about me at all, they didn't understand me and take care of me.
Later I also realized that I seemed to have deprived her of the opportunity to be a parent, because I rarely needed her as a child, so she didn't actually have the opportunity to grow up to take care of me.
- Anonymous, 32 years old
Both of these interviews show that there is a long-term relationship in which one party is fixed in the role of parents, and the risk is very high, and the relationship between the two people will come to an end if they are not careful.
Therefore, the ideal state should be that when the child's desire for self is satisfied, we will also have the ability to switch back to the adult self and thank the other person for their own efforts.
Like my friend who introduced it, when the partner also regressed to the state of childhood, he transferred to the parental state to give him enough care and love.
With this back-and-forth interaction, the "intimate bonding period" of exposing vulnerability to each other is successfully passed, and both parties in the relationship develop trust and love for each other, knowing that the other person will come to them when they are frustrated.
As psychiatrist Habib (2014) has observed for many years, "alternating between children and taking turns to be each other's parents" is the key to the smooth progress of intimate relationships.
So, how can we switch states comfortably in a relationship?
Step 1:
Recognize the signals that have entered the "child's self-state".
- became a little vexatious and couldn't listen to what the other party said.
- References to traumatic events experienced in the past, depressed or overly emotional.
- Obvious child behavior, such as curling up without speaking, or making a lot of noise but refusing to communicate.
Step 2:
Give enough emotional affirmation and loving response
When we or the other person enter the child's ego state, neither the suggestion nor the adult-style rational analysis is effective. Be caring and understanding of the other person's emotions, such as:
"You must have felt bad when it happened... If you want to say more, I'd love to hear more from you. 」
"I'd love to do something for you, what do you think I can do to make you feel better?"
You can also directly make some actions, such as holding the other person's hand, touching the other person's head, and giving the other person a big hug.
Step 3:
After returning to the adult self state, a consensus is reached to switch in turns
When we return to the adult self, we need to agree that there may be a moment when the other person will return to the child's self, and at that time, we also need to be caring parents, giving us listening, loving and caring.
That is, when we are in a state of vulnerability and vexatiousness, the other person accepts and embraces us regardless of it, and when we all return to a rational adult state, we must also give the other person full understanding and love.
As Dante said, "Love is always mutual. 」
(As mentioned above, our needs in the state of children's self are the love of soothing and accommodating, and I want to know what kind of experience it is to be accommodated?) ）
If you want to have the above experience and continue with the other person, you may wish to share your latest findings about the relationship status and agree that you will take turns being the parent and taking turns being the child.
Of course, if you have been giving you parental care and love in your relationship, you are also welcome to retweet to him to express your gratitude and love.
Don't let the relationship have only one party as a parent or child, the secret of a long-lasting relationship: both parties should take turns to take on different roles~