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My name is Li Qiang, a second-married man who is so ordinary that he can't be more ordinary. If there's one difference, it's that I married a woman with whom I had an extramarital affair, and her name is Lin Jing. This decision, to this day, I ask myself whether it is the embodiment of courage or the extreme of stupidity.
I remember it was a sunny weekend and I sat on the couch at home and flipped through old photo albums. In the photo, my ex-wife and I are smiling so brightly that we can't see any cracks at all. Next to her, Lin Jing was busy choosing curtain colors for our new home. Her voice was soft and hesitant: "Li Qiang, how do you see this light blue, isn't it a little too feminine?"
I absentmindedly replied, "Well, that's good." ”
Suddenly, the doorbell rang. The person who came was my good friend, Zhang Wei. He was accompanied by a strange girl, dressed fashionably and with a sweet smile. "Li Qiang, this is my cousin, I just came back from abroad and wants to find a job here. Zhang Wei introduced.
Lin Jing smiled slightly and greeted him. At that moment, I suddenly realized that there was no more of my ex-wife in our lives, and everything was so new and unsettling.
That night, Zhang Wei's cousin, Xiaoyu, offered to see the night view in the city. Lin Jing was obviously excited, but I was a little tired. Eventually, I said yes.
We drove to the center of the city. The neon lights flickered at night and the crowd was bustling. Lin Jing and Xiaoyu had a heated chat, but I felt extremely lonely. I began to wonder if I was really fit for this kind of life, and could I really forget the past and start over?
On the way home, Lin Jing suddenly asked, "Li Qiang, have you had anything on your mind lately?" You always seem to be absent-minded. ”
I sighed softly, but didn't answer. At that moment, I realized that our marriage might just be built on an escape from the past. And this evasion, sooner or later, will become a hidden danger between us.
In the dead of night, I lay in bed tossing and turning. Lin Jing's breathing was steady and deep, while I fell into deep thought. That conversation, that night, was like a nail in my heart. I'm starting to think back to our acquaintance, when we were both spouses and inadvertently fell into an emotional spiral.
The next day, Lin Jing was busy as usual, and didn't seem to notice my abnormality at all. I decided to go out for a walk and talk to Zhang Wei by the way. Zhang Wei has been a good friend of mine for many years, and he is the only one who knows about my past with Lin Jing.
In the café, Zhang Wei looked at me and frowned: "Li Qiang, what's wrong with you? Is there any contradiction with Lin Jing?"
I sighed and told him about the events of last night and my concerns. Zhang Wei was silent for a while after hearing this, and then said: "Li Qiang, no one can say for sure about feelings, it may be fate that you and Lin Jing can come together." However, your relationship is built on a special basis and requires more understanding and trust. ”
I nodded, but I couldn't calm down. On the way home, I remembered my ex-wife. Our marriage was uneventful, but it was solid. It was my derailment with Lin Jing that completely broke that peace. I began to wonder if I had made the right choice.
A few days later, Lin Jing's birthday arrived. I decided to have a small party and invited some friends and relatives. At the party, everyone was very happy and the atmosphere was good. But when I saw Lin Jing chatting with other male guests, a trace of unease rose in my heart for some reason.
In the evening, after the party, Lin Jing and I sat on the sofa, and she leaned on my shoulder. I suddenly asked her, "Lin Jing, do you think our marriage is happy?"
She seemed a little surprised by the question, and was silent for a while before saying, "I think it's good, what about you?"
Instead of answering directly, I changed the subject. But my mind was even more confused.
Soon, Lin Jing proposed to go to a class reunion. I didn't pay much attention to it, but when she mentioned that Xiaoyu, who had been with us for a while, would also go, I suddenly felt a little uncomfortable.
"How long are you going?" I tried to keep my tone calm.
"About one night, you don't have to worry, I'll be back early. Lin Jing replied with a smile.
That night, after Lin Jing went to the party, I tossed and turned at home alone and couldn't sleep. I tried to calm myself down, but there was always an indescribable uneasiness in my heart.
In the early morning, Lin Jing had not returned. I picked up my phone and hesitated to call her. Just then, the sound of the door opening was heard. Lin Jing came back, looking a little tired.
I didn't ask her for
Ask her why it's so late, just quietly observe her expression. She seemed to notice my abnormality and asked softly, "Li Qiang, what's wrong with you?" ”
I didn't answer, turned and walked to the bedroom. That night, a rare silence between us filled the room.
The next day, Lin Jing seemed to want to break this embarrassment, and she proposed to go to the suburbs together on the weekend. I absentmindedly agreed. That weekend, we went together to the nearby mountains. The air on the mountains is fresh and the scenery is pleasant, but the gloom in my heart does not seem to lessen at all.
We sat down on the top of the mountain, Lin Jing leaned on my shoulder and whispered, "Li Qiang, I know you've been in a bad mood lately, is there something you're hiding from me?"
I looked at the scenery in the distance and slowly spoke: "Lin Jing, I've been thinking, how far can we go when we start like this?"
She was stunned for a moment, then grabbed my hand tightly: "I know our start was unusual, but I believe in our feelings. Li Qiang, I love you. ”
I didn't respond, and the contradictions and uneasiness in my heart intensified.
After returning home, I began to immerse myself more in my own world, and I communicated less and less with Lin Jing. I began to reminisce about my days with my ex-wife, when there was a lack of passion, but at least it was smooth, without so many doubts and uneasiness.
One night, Lin Jing suddenly asked, "Li Qiang, should we have a child? Maybe this will make our relationship more stable." ”
This offer took me by surprise. I wasn't ready to be a father yet, especially in a marriage like this tumultuous one. I told her I needed time to think about it.
A few days later, I received a call from my ex-wife at work, and she said she wanted to see me. I hesitated for a moment, but finally agreed. We met at a café and my ex-wife looked more mature and stable than before.
She cut straight to the point: "Li Qiang, I heard that you and Lin Jing are married. I'm just wondering, are you happy now?"
This question struck me like a bolt of lightning and I couldn't answer it. We talked a lot about the past. When they separated, his ex-wife said: "Li Qiang, no matter what, I hope you can be happy." ”
When I got home, I found Lin Jing busy in the kitchen. She smiled and said to me, "Li Qiang, I made your favorite dish today, let's eat together." ”
I looked at her busy figure, and the contradiction in my heart became even more intense. At dinner, I barely ate much, and Lin Jing noticed my abnormality, but she didn't ask me anything.
That night, lying in bed, I thought back to the conversation with my ex-wife and what Lin Jing said to me. I felt caught between the past and the present, nothing
Act to get rid of.
The next day, I decided to sit down with Lin Jing and have a good talk. I need to be honest with her about my feelings and hopefully understand her thoughts. In the evening, I proposed the idea, and Lin Jing seemed a little nervous, but still agreed.
We sat on the sofa in the living room, and I spoke first: "Lin Jing, I've been thinking about our marriage lately. I'll admit that I've always had a lot of doubts and uneasiness in my mind. ”
Lin Jing's eyes were full of worry: "Is it because of our past?" I know that that kind of start is not easy for anyone to accept. ”
I nodded: "It's not just the past, I've been asking myself how far our relationship can go." I'm even wondering if my feelings for you are real. ”
Lin Jing was silent for a while, and then said, "I understand your concerns, but I really love you, and I am willing to work hard for our relationship." ”
Our conversation went on for a long time, but we didn't seem to find a clear answer. That night, we were all immersed in our own thoughts, separated by an invisible wall.
A few days later, I happened to meet a light rain on the street. She ran over excitedly to say hello: "Li Qiang, long time no see, how are you doing?"
I responded politely, but I felt a little uncomfortable. Xiaoyu seemed to sense my emotions and asked, "You seem to be a little troubled, is it a matter of work?"
I shook my head: "No, it's some family business." ”
Xiaoyu paused, and then said, "Sometimes, letting go of some things will make life easier." ”
Her words made me ponder. On the way home, I kept thinking back to our conversation. Perhaps, I really need to re-examine my life and find true happiness.
During that time, the relationship between me and Lin Jing became more delicate. We still live under the same roof, but our hearts are getting farther and farther apart. I started going out a lot, sometimes to party with friends, sometimes just to be alone.
One night, I sat in a bar for a long time. Drinking wine, I recalled the bits and pieces with Lin Jing. We used to love each other so much, but now, everything seems to have changed.
When I got home, it was late at night. Lin Jing was still awake, looked at me and asked, "Li Qiang, you have been coming home so late late, is there really a problem between us?"
I didn't answer and walked straight to the bedroom. At that moment, I realized that our marriage had reached a crossroads.
Over the next few days, I began to think seriously about our future. The relationship between me and Lin Jing is no longer as pure as it was at the beginning. Our relationship was built on a strange foundation that now seems to be crumbling.
I decided to sit down with Lin Jing again, and this time I wanted to be more honest. I need to tell her my truth
Feel it, no matter what the outcome.
That night, we sat in the living room again. I took a deep breath and began to speak: "Lin Jing, I have been thinking a lot during this time, about our marriage, about my own feelings. ”
Lin Jing looked at me nervously, her hand clenched tightly.
I continued: "I found that I had been running away from one fact. That is, my feelings for you may not be as deep as I thought they were. I don't know if it's because our beginnings were too complicated, or if it's because I still have nostalgia for the past deep down. ”
A hint of loss flashed in Lin Jing's eyes, but she tried to stay calm: "Then what do you mean......"
I sighed: "I think we need to be apart for a while and give each other some space. Maybe this way, we can have a clearer understanding of what we really want. ”
Lin Jing nodded silently, tears in her eyes: "I understand, Li Qiang." If it's your decision, I respect it. ”
That night, we sat quietly and neither of us spoke. The next day, Lin Jing packed her things and moved to her sister's house. Before leaving, she turned to me and said, "No matter what the outcome is, I still thank you for the happiness you once gave me." ”
Looking at her departing back, my heart was filled with mixed emotions. I don't know if it was the right decision, but I know that we all need time to find our own answers.
With Lin Jing's departure, the home became empty. I began to think more about my days with my ex-wife, those ordinary and stable times. I realized, that maybe what I had been looking for was that kind of peaceful happiness.
A few weeks later, my ex-wife and I met again. We walked around the park and chatted about how we were doing. I told her that Lin Jing and I were temporarily separated, and that I needed time to think.
After hearing this, his ex-wife said softly: "Li Qiang, everyone has the right to pursue happiness. But happiness is not something that others can give you, it comes from your inner peace and contentment. ”
Her words touched me deeply. I began to realize that happiness does not come from others, but from what I feel in my own heart.
As the days passed, I began to re-examine my life. I'm gradually regaining some of the peace I've been missing for a long time. I started to reconnect with some old friends, attend some social events, and try to fill in the gaps in my life.
Just as I was slowly adjusting to being single, Lin Jing called me and told me that she had found a new job, and her voice sounded excited. I was happy for her, but I also felt a little relieved. Perhaps, this is the beginning of our respective search for happiness.
Time is like flowing water, taking away many memories of the past and bringing new possibilities. I've started to appreciate every day more and I've learned to find happiness in the little things.
Through this experience, I finally understood that happiness is not an end in itself
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