There is a kind of parent who is ruining the life of his child, and many post-80s and post-90s have been recruited......
Some time ago, I swiped a suffocating video on the Internet, and I want to share it with all parents.
This video is a clip from the TV series "Dear Friend", the daughter in the video has been managed by her mother since she was a child, and her mother's consent is required for eating, wearing, and using.
Once, in front of the child's many friends, he read his daughter's diary and claimed, "You were born to me, what privacy do you have that I can't know?"
Because of the long-term control of her mother, the girl not only has no freedom, but also has no friends, cannot play with her favorite friends, cannot learn to draw what she likes, and cannot do anything other than learning Xi...... Eventually, the girl committed suicide by jumping off the building.
Even if I'm a bystander, I want to stay away from this mother, let alone the girl in it?
The book "Thanking Yourself for Your Imperfections" states:
"Happy families all have one thing in common, there is no person in the family who is very controlling. And unfortunate families have a person who has a strong desire to control. ”
Too much parental control is a disaster for a child's life.
Children who have lost themselves forget to love themselves
There was a question on Zhihu: Is it easier for children who are particularly sensible and obedient to grow up to be happy?
One of them replied: I am really unhappy, because people who are sensible and obedient since childhood are especially easy to have no self.
A person who has lost himself is like a marionette, and that thread is always in the hands of his parents, and his parents let him go east, but he can't go west.
Children who do not have a self will form a "false self" phenomenon.
"False self", also known as false self, is a concept proposed by Winnicott, a British master of children's analysis, which refers to a person who hides his true thoughts and blindly accommodates others in order to meet the expectations of others and desire to be accepted by others.
Parents ask their children to obey their words, it is easy to lead to the formation of "false self", they are walking on thin ice to hide all the misbelieving, living a good child who makes parents worry, and such children are especially easy to become a pleasing personality, only for others to live.
Nagi (zhi) in the Douban high-scoring TV series "Nagi's New Life" is a typical people-pleasing personality.
As a child, Nagi didn't like to eat corn.
One day, her mother cooks corn again, and Nagi carefully says that she doesn't want to eat it.
When my mother heard this, she threw the corn into the trash and deliberately said:
"The corn is so pitiful, I tried my best to grow it, but you killed it!"
In order to make her mother happy, Nagi no longer dared to refuse, and then she pretended to like to eat it very much.
Slowly, Nagi developed a character of Xi habit to please others.
When she enters the workplace, she will observe words and feelings, for fear of offending others, and always help her colleagues do errands and chores to please them.
The emotional control of parents will make the child Xi habitual pleaser, he always dare not say "no", always consider the needs of others, be kidnapped by other people's feelings and emotions, and lose himself.
People who lose themselves will always live for others and forget to love themselves.
How do parents control their children?
Controlling parents practice controlling tendencies under the banner of "for your own good", hoping that their children will never "escape" from the palm of their hand.
Those harsh, nagging parents control their children's lives, Xi, hobbies, and even thoughts.
Everything is arranged in front of the child's parents, and the only thing to do is to obey and obey again.
If you think that controlling parents only have the "I'm right, you have to listen to me" type, then you are very wrong! There are 3 main types of parents:
1. Strong intervention type
This kind of parents are good at repressive education, always criticizing and blaming their children, making them feel that their parents are right and they are all wrong.
I told you a long time ago that you would listen to me, and you will suffer sooner or later.
No matter how many times you say it, and you don't listen to it, you deserve to be like this.
Parental verbal violence makes children gradually lose their initiative, and in order to avoid criticism, they are willing to immerse themselves in the harbor of their parents' "love".
2. Over-protective type
This type of parent always shows excessive care for the child, takes care of everything for the child, and is extremely worried about the slightest risk-taking behavior of the child.
They never let their children into the kitchen, do housework, and even screen their children to make friends, for fear that the outside world will hurt their babies in the slightest.
Children who grow up in this environment are like "flowers in a greenhouse", beautiful but fragile, and it is difficult for them to form an independent personality.
Mabao is a typical example.
3. Relationship integration
This type of parent gives the child a psychological hint: we need you, we can't do without you.
For example, they often say:
You have to study hard to Xi to be worthy of us;
We are frugal, and all the good things are given to you;
If it weren't for you, your dad and I would have divorced long ago......
Children who grow up in this environment will feel that their parents will not have a good time without them, and they will not dare to leave their parents because of worry and guilt.
Parents are willing to let go
Only then can children have their own lives
Song Mingni wrote in the book "The Logic of Parenting":
One of the most important manifestations of love and respect is to pay attention to the other person's inner feelings, to be able to understand the other person's thoughts from the other person's point of view, rather than using the desire to control in the name of love.
True love and respect is about stepping back behind your child, giving her space and freedom, while remaining connected and supportive.
1. Give up controlling your child
There is a "overrun effect" in psychology, which says that if a person is exposed to too many stimuli, too strong or too long, they will be extremely impatient or rebellious.
Moderate discipline is certainly needed, but at the same time it is necessary to avoid excessive control.
To get the most out of your education, parents can try to be less controlling and start with the little things in life.
For example, when you see a child getting dirty clothes, you can't help but chatter;
The child procrastifies his homework because of playfulness, and he is responsible for the consequences;
The child can't drink a full bottle of milk, tell himself not to force it.
Giving up controlling children and giving them appropriate freedom is the best love for children.
2. Give the choice back to the child
Cai Kangyong said: "What is the most precious thing for parents to children? is to give them an ideal environment, so that they can become themselves, not become the person we want them to become." ”
Every child, throughout his or her life, wants to get rid of their parents' expectations and become their true selves.
Be your true self and have the power to choose, rather than being subject to your parents and living in the program set by your parents.
When a child says he wants to learn to draw instead of the piano, respect his choice;
When a child says he wants to enroll in an animation academy instead of 985, respect his choice;
When a child says he wants to go to a big city and doesn't want to stay in a small place, respect his choice.
Try to give the child back the right to choose, his life, let him make his own decisions, and you will find that the child will be more internally driven, and his future will be more wanton.
3. Withdraw from your child's life with dignity
The love of parents is the best nourishment for children's souls.
However, if parents love and never leave, it will only become a fetters on the road of their children's life.
The best love for a child is to lead him step by step to the path of an independent life, to separate him from our lives.
The child peels the eggs, we don't help;
We don't do the housework for the child;
We don't take the responsibility of the child.
Parents know how to separate, which is the best growth for their children.
Only by withdrawing from the child's life with dignity can the child have space to be independent, and he will have the ability to fly freely in his own sky.
Gibran wrote in On Children:
"You can give them love, but you can't give them thoughts, because they have their own minds.
A good family education is based on mutual respect. ”
Parents are always worried that their children will make mistakes in their own choices, so they make choices and decisions for their children, but they don't know that what can really make children grow up is always the trust and respect of parents.
What parents need to do is to let go and trust their children's choices.
Children dare to choose and give up;
Dare to be frustrated, but also dare to meet any difficulties.
Allowing children to become free and autonomous individuals is the best gift parents can give to their children.