That day, I experienced a deep sense of loss.
When I walked in the house and found my son and daughter busy with dinner, I couldn't help but feel a sense of powerlessness.
It made me feel a sense of guilt that I hadn't felt in a long time.
Just as I was about to step forward to help, my son coldly interrupted my thoughts: "Dad, don't come here to make trouble, look at your staggering, sit there and don't move."
I didn't react for a moment, and stood a little stunned, at a loss. The daughter also added impatiently: "Yes, you are old, don't be too nice to us anymore."
I suddenly felt an unprecedented sense of frustration, and I always thought that it was right to be good for children.
I walked out into the courtyard and sat alone on a bench in deep thought.
What's wrong with that? Am I wrong? I asked myself again and again. However, it shouldn't be a wrong thing for me to be nice to them.
The more I thought about it, the more heartbroken I became, and the tears flowed uncontrollably.
In the days that followed, I became more and more reticent and rarely took the initiative to communicate with them. They also don't seem to notice that, day after day, everything is going according to plan.
One day, I overheard their conversation in the kitchen.
"Do you think we're too cold to Daddy?" asked the daughter.
"Perhaps. The son replied with some hesitation, "But, at this age, does he really not need us to take care of him like this?"
"Perhaps. However, we used to be kind to him, and now he is like this to us, and there is always a little bit of a bad feeling in our hearts.
I couldn't help but burst into tears, it turned out that they still had mine in their hearts. Maybe I'm going too far, they need their own space and life.
I decided, from now on, not to be too nice to them anymore. After all, they are also independent individuals who need to bear the pressures of life on their own.
However, the feeling of loss still lingers, and I know that this feeling may stay with me forever.
After a while, I started to gradually change my lifestyle. No longer be too kind to them, no longer disturb their lives too much, and begin to Xi the time alone.
However, at this time, my father was injured in an accidental fall. My sister and I rushed to the hospital and saw the scars on my father's face.
"Dad, why are you so careless!, pay attention to safety in the future!" I couldn't help but reproach.
"I'm sorry, it's me who is bad. I'll take notice. The father apologized in a low voice, his eyes full of apology and helplessness.
I felt a pang in my heart, perhaps our past attitude had caused stress on my father's heart. I took a deep breath and decided to spend more time with my father in the future, so that he could feel that we cared about us.
When I got home, I began to pay more attention to my father's every move and not let him make any mistakes. But my father began to take the initiative to reduce going out, for fear of dragging us down.
Once, I saw my father crying quietly alone in the yard, and my heart was broken. He has been silently giving for us, and we have repaid it, and this guilt makes me feel uncomfortable.
"Daddy, are you crying?" I asked, concernedly.
My father tried to cover it up, but I still saw the clues. He was silent for a moment, and finally spoke: "Maybe I shouldn't be so weak, I'll try to cheer up."
Seeing my father's strong appearance made me feel distressed. Maybe he has already hidden too many grievances and reluctance in his heart, but I haven't found out.
Since then, I have paid more attention to communicating with my father and spending every free time with him. And my father has become much gentler, likes to talk to us about interesting things in the past, and slowly begins to accept our care.
However, just when we thought everything was getting better, another thing happened that caught us off guard.
When I heard the news, I was dumbfounded.
My heart was filled with endless anxiety and helplessness, and I knew that my father needed our companionship and love more than ever.
Since then, I've started to become more independent. Gradually, I shifted the focus of my life to myself and stopped relying on my children.
By chance, I saw a photo of their trip in their study, which was a photo of their family of three traveling together last year.
All this made me feel a little moved, and it also made me re-examine my past behavior and attitude.
However, just as I was re-examining my actions, an accident happened. I fell down the stairs and broke my right leg because of my carelessness.
During the days I was in the hospital, they came to visit me every day, my son took care of my daily life, and my daughter chatted with me.
After leaving the hospital, I decided to surprise them, and I decided to use the time of rehabilitation to do my best to recover and not show weakness to them.
However, when I tried to show them my abilities and independence, it caused quite a few contradictions. Their worries and concerns about me were misinterpreted by me as questioning me.
However, I understand that conflicts in the family are inevitable. We are all independent individuals with our own ideas and ways, but this does not affect the deep family relationship between us.
This tribulation in my life has made me re-examine my relationships in the family and re-evaluate my behavior.
Soon, I tried to restrain my care for the children, and I stopped doing all the housework and didn't care about their lives as often.
However, one weekend dinner, conflict struck our family again. I overheard my son talking to his daughter about a trip last year and they didn't even invite me along.
"How can you go on a trip quietly without telling your father?" reproached the daughter.
"He's so old, and he's not a child, how long are we going to take care of him?" replied the son, disapprovingly.
This time, they also seemed to notice my displeasure, and my son frowned and said, "Why are you so stingy, and you are not a child, and you still stick to us all day long."
I felt a pang of anger at how they could not consider my feelings and secretly travel without me in secret.
However, in the middle of the night, I thought about it, and the feeling of blockage in my heart became stronger and stronger. I tried to control my emotions, but the more I thought about it, the angrier I became.
I myself am caught in a conflict, I can't act too fragile and rely on them all the time, but at the same time, I need their company and care.
This contradiction is very painful for me, and I really don't know what to do. Perhaps, I should re-examine my attitude and behavior and find out the root cause of the problem, instead of blaming them.
At this point, my inner contradictions have been released, but the entanglements in family relationships have not disappeared. My mood is like this tangled situation, and I can't make a decision.