Some time ago, Sanlian Life Weekly published an article "More than a month after the start of school, the children's psychiatric department was full".
According to Lin Hong, a child psychiatrist and family therapist at Peking University Sixth Hospital:
Once the school season comes, the pediatric specialists at the Sixth Hospital of Peking University (Peking University Sixth Hospital) will be very busy, and it will be difficult to admit children to the ward during the peak period of hospitalization in the first month of school.
Every once in a while, there will be similar news telling everyone: children are also a generation facing great stress. "Ten minutes between classes" was deprived, "decompression artifact radish knife" swept the campus, and "996 or even 007" remedial interest classes rotated......
But many parents still disagree:
What stress can a child have?
Finally, it is concluded that:
Today's children are too weak to suffer at all.
As a result, "hardship-based education" is still regarded by many parents as a guideline for parenting.
01
▼
The most recent discussion about "hardship-based education" originated from a video shared by Lejia on social networking sites.
In June last year, after actor Tao Hong died of illness in Los Angeles, everyone learned that she was Le Jia's ex-wife.
Because the distance was too far, when Tao Hong died, Le Jia couldn't arrive with the child as soon as possible, so he mourned in his own way.
During the marriage, Tao Hong always wanted to go to the Jokhang Temple to make a vow, but in the end it didn't work out, so Le Jia took her daughter Ling'er to Tibet.
The road into Tibet was rugged and difficult, but Lejia asked her 9-year-old daughter to bow down all the way and pray for her mother. Others seemed extremely harsh, but Ling'er did it.
This kind of "bitterness" has long been Xi to her.
When she was 4 years old, Ling'er followed her father to participate in desert trekking, walking an average of 20 kilometers a day. At that time, she was the youngest child in the group.
Before leaving, Le Jia also gave Ling'er two death orders:
1. Don't be unreasonable, you have a reason to cry when you cry, and the child who doesn't cry is the most beautiful;
2. No matter what happens, you must not let adults hold it, and you must rely on your own strength to complete the journey every day.
Not surprisingly, Ling'er endured both physical and mental torture along the way. She had blisters on her feet and a rash, but none of these were enough reasons to give up in Le Jia's eyes.
Afterwards, Le Jia shared her daughter's process from begging to persevering to the end on Weibo, and the words were full of pride and satisfaction.
When he was 4 and a half years old, he took his daughter on a ride through the jungle. Even though it was raining heavily and her daughter was bitten by mosquitoes, Lejia did not allow her to back down.
After arriving at the destination, Ling'er cried with a "wow", and her body was already covered with scars.
When Le Jia shared these processes on social platforms, without exception, they attracted accusations from netizens:
"It's a little pitiful for a four-and-a-half-year-old girl to push her limits. ”
"Don't torture her with the intensity you feel you can handle. ”
But these pieces of advice won't change Lejia's parenting style.
He believes in "suffering-based education", firmly believing that there are many hardships in life, and we must not be squeamish, and rely on ourselves for everything.
Because, that's how he came over himself.
Born in a poor family, his parents often quarreled over money, and he witnessed and experienced many embarrassing moments.
After suffering from life early, he vowed to work hard to make his mother live a good life.
When he grew up, he worked in many places and did many industries, and finally became a lecturer of character color, and became popular for participating in the recording of "If You Are Honest, Do Not Disturb".
From bitter to sweet, from poor to rich, these experiences have made Lejia always believe that life is really hard, and it is difficult to pass the hurdles, and only by relying on oneself can we carry it.
After the birth of her daughter, the living environment is much better, but the spirit of hardship cannot be lost, otherwise how to deal with the unknown hardships in the future life?
As a result, there is a "suffering education" again and again.
Later, he sent Ling'er to Shaolin Temple twice in a row. The photo of Ling'er with tears in her eyes while walking on the horse made netizens feel distressed, but Le Jia didn't, but asked the master to be "more ruthless".
02
▼
This made Yimeijun think that during the summer vacation this year, there was also a popular video.
A mother took a picture of her daughter riding the green train and posted it on social platforms. Caption: There is no difficulty, and it is necessary to make difficulties.
Because there are no seats, the child can only stand in the train aisle. Later, I couldn't support it anymore, so I dragged my suitcase out to take a temporary rest and eat something by the way.
Anyone who has ever bought a non-seat ticket knows what it feels like to have to give way while eating, not only is it unpleasant, but it also has to suffer from the eyes of other people.
So some netizens left a message and asked:
"Why do you want to buy a non-seat ticket, it's not a hurry, go out and plan in advance. ”
Unexpectedly, the mother's reply was:
"I think she has to feel the hardships I have endured. ”
"I haven't asked her to pick up the junk yet. ”
Isn't this "I have been drenched in the rain myself, and I have to tear up the child's umbrella?"
In fact, this is a common problem of many parents: because they have suffered in life, they feel that this society is full of suffering and unfairness, and "being able to endure hardship" has become the biggest advantage of ordinary people.
Imagine what is the child's first reaction when parents instill the meaning of suffering with this concept.
It's like, "I'm going to be thankful for suffering, can suffering make me stronger?"
No, he will only feel: growing up is terrible, life is terrible.
Psychologist Wu Zhihong said: Children's frustration education is not unnecessary, but can not be additional and attached, otherwise it will evolve into injury.
Below that video, many people shared their experiences when they were young:
"I remember that my family was not so poor, but my mother would always tell me that my family had no money, and occasionally I would buy a snack, and she would preach for a long time, and I only felt wronged at that time. Now that I have children, there is never a shortage of food and drink at home, and I don't want him to envy others like me. It's also to compensate for my younger self. ”
"There is a washing machine at home, but my mother rarely uses it. One winter, I really didn't want to wash my clothes by hand, so I threw a few pieces into it, but my mother counted me down for half an hour, thinking that I was ignorant and didn't understand the hard work of making money. Until now, I've wondered, 'Am I unworthy?'
"My dad and mom have cars, but no matter how windy or rainy it is, I always take the bus to school by myself, and once it snowed heavily, I wanted my dad to send me, but he said that the car is not what a student should be. Then I waited for 1 and a half hours for the bus in sub-zero weather, and I caught a cold when I was late. No kidding, at that time I wanted to smash his car. ”
You see, these "sufferings" do leave some marks in children's hearts, but before they become adults, before they have sober and independent judgment, no one can judge whether these marks bring positive encouragement or negative blows.
Therefore, trying to make the child become confident, tenacious, and immune in the future by enduring hardship a few times is just a beautiful conjecture of parents.
03
▼
Having said all this, Yimeijun actually wants to tell many parents:
No matter what your starting point is or how much life you have endured, please don't think of your children as some kind of salvation for you.
It's actually cruel to let children taste the hardships of life again and again too early.
As Hernemani puts it:
There is nothing more wonderful in the world than this, at an age that does not understand the world, all the expectations of life are the splendid ideals themselves.
And one lives every day:
"Who is not like this, we were much more bitter than you when we were children. ”
"What are you, I want to ...... with your dad back then"
"When I was your age, I would have ...... long ago"
"I can't eat this bit of bitterness, what will I do when I grow up?"
Children who grow up under this kind of education are full of the hardships of life, where is the energy to dream?
Psychologist Zhang Yijun said:
The greatest meaning of the existence of parents is not to give their children a comfortable and prosperous life, but when you think of your parents, your heart will be full of strength and warmth, so that you will have the courage and ability to overcome difficulties. In this way, you can get the true joy and freedom of life.
Therefore, the best frustration education is not to tell him that life is hard and you have to carry it to death, but to teach him that love education makes him believe that life can be very beautiful and that it will be cool to pass this level.
The law of attraction is equally appropriate here.
If you want him to be happy, good things will follow.
You choose to let him move closer to suffering, and you find that life is full of thorns and challenges.
Finally, Yimeijun thought of a dialogue:
Every time a child suffers from depression or even commits suicide because of too much stress, someone will say:
His parents are so pitiful, what will they do in the future?
The famous psychologist Bluffman will definitely answer like this:
No, most of the time, children commit suicide and the parents are not the victims, but the perpetrators.