#文章首发挑战赛#
The more people I come into contact with and the more things I see, the more my soul is shaken endlessly, and my cognition is refreshed again and again. It turns out that this world is really cruel and indifferent, and human nature is ugly and absurd. I don't want to believe, I don't want to face it, and I don't dare to admit it, this is not an individual case but a normal situation, which has penetrated into every corner and people's soul. - Excerpt from the Internet
My name is Zhao Dongying (pseudonym), and I am a patient with advanced pancreatic cancer, and by the time you read my story, I am no longer alive.
On April 12, 2022, I was diagnosed with advanced pancreatic cancer at the Affiliated Cancer Hospital of Fudan University in Shanghai, and the doctor wanted to hide it from me at first, but I immediately expressed my attitude towards the doctor and my family, I must tell me the truth about my condition, if there is anything to hide, I will never let you go!
I confess that I said this with such a ferocious manner that it frightened my attending physician.
In real life, I am actually a very gentle person, I rarely lose my temper with people, so when I was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, I couldn't accept it for a long time, in my opinion, those patients who have cancer are not all people with a very bad temper? Why do I have such a good temper, but I still have cancer?
The reason why I spoke to the doctor in a threatening tone was because I didn't want him to deceive me.
One of my former comrades-in-arms also died of lung cancer.
It wasn't until the day he died that he knew the truth, and what was even more ridiculous was that we, including me, had known the actual situation for a long time and had been cooperating with our families to conceal our illness.
I will never forget the look in my comrade's eyes when he died and the words he said, I never thought that you would lie to me!
My threat worked, and the doctor had a showdown with me.
Pancreatic cancer, the lump is located in the pancreatic body, the size is 5cm × 6cm, very large, and the cancer cells have been widely metastasized, your peritoneum, liver, duodenum, lungs, etc. have been found metastases, for pancreatic cancer that has metastasized far away, it can be said to be stage IV pancreatic cancer, which is what everyone usually calls the advanced stage.
It is said that after hearing the news that they have cancer, cancer patients are first shocked, and then cry bitterly, and some of them are psychologically unbearable, and even commit suicide.
Therefore, doctors often work with family members to hide their illness from the person, and many cancer patients may not know that they died of cancer until they die.
When I learned the news that I had cancer, I wasn't shocked, I didn't cry, I just felt very scared, and although I was very calm, my wife later told me that when the doctor told you about your condition, your face suddenly turned pale!
I asked the doctor, how long will I live?
The doctor said, don't worry, now that medicine is very developed, as long as you cooperate with the treatment, the situation is actually not so bad.
I'm still saying that, doctor, please be honest with me.
The time will not be more than a year.
From this moment on, the countdown to my life has begun.
What do you do when you know you're dying? I'm sure many people will say, of course, it's about eating, drinking, and having fun, and you're as crazy as you want!
In fact, when death is approaching, where will you have the leisure to eat, drink, and be merry? Shouldn't eating, drinking, and having fun be done in a state of extreme relaxation? Where can you be in the mood to eat, drink, and be merry when you live in fear of death every day like me?
The doctor has already had a showdown, and it is up to us to decide whether to treat or not.
I'm the client, my mind is messed up, I can't make a decision.
My wife was very firm, she hugged me, cried and said, I want you to live, no matter how much it costs, we will treat it!
I admit that I was particularly touched when she said that.
It's just that in the second cycle after my chemotherapy ended, I remember very clearly, it was raining in the sky, I came home alone, and as soon as I got to the door, I heard my wife's voice.
The doctors have already said that it is advanced pancreatic cancer, and he has been terminally ill for a long time, and now it makes sense to live one day at a time, and it makes sense to continue treatment? In the end, it is not that both people and money are empty! It doesn't matter if he dies, we orphans and widows still have to live! I don't know how long it will drag on like this, I will go crazy, Mom, what kind of time are you talking about this!
These are the exact words of the wife.
I can't believe it.
But he reached out and knocked on the door.
The door opened, and the wife froze.
After a while, she reacted, you ...... How did you come back? Aren't you in the hospital?
I sneaked out while the doctors and nurses weren't looking, and I had something important to find.
Hey, you're so weak, it's raining outside, be careful of catching a cold, what's the matter, just let me do it.
From this moment on, my wife's words and deeds, every smile and smile, I feel that it is really fake!
Husband and wife were originally birds of the same forest, and they flew separately when disaster came.
Late at night after night, tossing and turning in bed and unable to fall asleep, think about it, isn't what my wife said reasonable?
I, a dying person, no matter how much I toss now, I will end up with both people and money.
My son is still in high school, and my family is an ordinary working family, so I should think about my son as well.
After the third cycle of chemotherapy, I told my wife that the response to chemotherapy was so great that I couldn't stand it anymore and I didn't want to be treated anymore.
My wife started crying all of a sudden, you gave up like this, what should we do with our mother and son?
I pushed my wife away and said, "Don't cry every day, okay?" You know, I'm upset right now!
After so many years of marriage, I was angry with my wife for the first time.
She froze.
Although I quickly apologized, I kept repeating in my heart, I was still acting, was it going to be the day I died?
After deciding to give up, I left the hospital and returned home.
My son is in his third year of high school, and he will soon take the college entrance examination, and he is the only person in the family who does not know my condition, so I discussed with my wife and told him the truth when my son finished the college entrance examination.
There are only two months left before the college entrance examination, and I said to my wife that if I die in these two months, it will be fate.
My son lives in school, and because the college entrance examination is approaching, he is not going home in the past two months, and his wife has to go to work every day, so I am the only one left at home.
When people get sick, they become extremely lonely.
Originally, those colleagues, friends, and relatives just warmed up at the beginning of the illness, and there was no news for a long time.
When people go uphill, all kinds of people come to talk to you, and when people go downhill, everyone dislikes you like a stray dog.
In the beginning, I could still go out for a walk, look at the flowers and plants every day, listen to the birdsong, soak up the sun, and feel that the world is so beautiful, I really don't want to die! But as the disease progressed, my body became weaker and weaker.
I don't go downstairs anymore.
In order to take care of me, my wife had to take a leave of absence from the employer and leave her job without pay.
Although her complaints and grievances were not spoken, I knew them all, and they were all written on my face.
Once, I vomited after eating, vomiting all over the floor, and when my wife cleaned up, she wore a mask and gloves, and asked me while cleaning, "Will it be contagious?"
I laughed but didn't answer.
Although he had already seen his wife's face clearly, he still couldn't help but sigh that after being married for so many years, it was the first time that he found that this woman's mouth was so vicious.
The most difficult thing for me to accept was that when I was alive, I found evidence of my wife's cheating.
By chance, I got my wife's mobile phone, and in her WeChat, I found her chatting with another man and opened it.
Wife, the room is open, the old place room 1802.
Good.
The previous chat was nowhere to be found, and it was clear that it had been cleared.
My wife came out after washing her hair, and I sat on the couch watching TV, and her phone was still in the old place.
Nobody called me just now, did they?' my wife asked.
Yes...... I didn't pay attention, I was watching TV all the time. I say.
Oh...... I have a colleague who is hospitalized, and I'm going to see her later, probably coming back at noon.
It's okay, you can help you.
After my wife left, I finally hugged my head and cried bitterly for a long time.
I'm not going to demolish her, I'm dying, my body is getting worse day by day, and I feel that death is near.
My wife is only 42 years old this year, I am dead, she can't be single all the time, now that I have a choice, then fulfill her, I, the one who is going to die, what else can I say, what else can I do?
Am I going to tear my face with a man for the last of his dignity?
In the last days of my life, I was already able to accept everything.
Although I was a little unwilling, although I was a little cruel, although it was like a knife cutting around my body, I had to bear everything.
I don't want to tear my face with my wife, and another important reason is that at the end of my life, I always have to find someone who can send me to my end.
Although my wife has disliked me very much now, she is still the one who serves me every day, my body is getting weaker and weaker, I eat, go to the toilet, get out of bed, get dressed, wash, and become more and more dependent on people, with the current family situation, I can't afford to hire a nanny at all, and my wife is my only support.
At the end of my life, I chose to reconcile with the world.
It is not easy to live in this life, my parents died early when I was a child, and it was my uncle who raised me, and it is no exaggeration to say that I am a child of a poor family, and I have relied on my own efforts to get to where I am today.
Now, I have been diagnosed with advanced pancreatic cancer.
Only when death is approaching, do you know that the most important thing is life.
Once, for work, for life, I stayed up late and worked overtime, ate irregularly, drank with the leader twice a day, and had several packs of cigarettes a day.
If there was an afterlife, I would never do it again.
If at the end of my life, I can still make some contributions to society, that is, I want to pay the price of my life to tell everyone that you must be kind to yourself!