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My sister-in-law, Li Mei, had just given birth to a daughter, and as an uncle, I decided to visit her house. To be honest, my relationship with Li Mei is average, and she has rarely been in touch since she married the man. However, children are flesh and blood after all, and it is considered the responsibility of the elders to go and see.
I called in advance to tell Li Mei that I was going, and her tone was a little cold, but she still agreed. My wife advised me not to go, saying that Li Mei had a bad temper and would not look good in case of a quarrel. But I still decided to go, leaving my wife with a "don't worry about it" back.
Sitting on the bus, I looked out the window at the rapidly regressing scenery and remembered the past and Li Mei. When I was a child, my family was poor, and Li Mei and I starved and froze every day, and we were like brothers. When I grew up, I was admitted to university, and Li Mei married Zhang Wei, a neighbor in my hometown. After I got married, I worked hard and my conditions improved, but I gradually lost contact with Li Mei.
"Knock knock!" I knocked on the door of Li Mei's house, and Zhang Wei's voice came from inside: "It's coming, it's coming!"
The door opened, and Zhang Wei said enthusiastically: "Yo, my uncle has come to see us!" Please come in, please come in. ”
I was a little surprised by Zhang Wei's courtesy, and thought he would be lukewarm. I smiled and said, "I'm sorry, I'm here to visit our Meimei."
"You're saying that children are the most important thing." Zhang Wei led me to the inner room, Li Mei sat on the bed and breastfed the child, and when she saw me coming, her face was a little unnatural.
"Hello uncle." Li Mei said hello listlessly.
"We Meimei just gave birth to a child, and we are still in confinement, don't be surprised." Zhang Wei explained.
I nodded, and after a few words of greeting, I stopped bothering Li Mei, and sat down with Zhang Wei to chat outside. Zhang Wei warmly welcomed me to dinner, while chattering about his loving marriage to Li Mei and how lovely his newborn daughter was.
I politely agreed, but I was thinking in my heart, why is Zhang Wei so courteous to me? Could it be because I'm on good terms and want to tie it up? Anyway, I've seen a lot of people, so there's no need to worry about him.
After a while, I felt a little sick in my stomach and wanted to go to the bathroom. I said hello to Zhang Wei and went to the bathroom. This is the first time I have been to the bathroom of Li Mei's new house, and I thought it would be very clean and tidy.
The edges of the tub are stained with stains and long hair. I couldn't believe that this was Li Mei's bathroom, and the sloppy and dirty level did not match my impression of Li Mei in the slightest.
Although I was dizzy, I entered lightly for fear of stepping on something dirty. Simply solved the physiological problem, I couldn't help but turn on the faucet and want to wash my hands. But the turtle-speed water swirled out with stains, and I shook my head.
After washing my hands, I went straight to the outside room to confront Li Mei.
"Li Mei, why does your bathroom look like that? The bathtub was a mess of dirty clothes and so unhygienic!" I asked.
Li Mei's face turned red and whispered: "I just gave birth to a child, and I don't have time to clean up, don't be surprised."
"What's the time to clean up?" I raised my voice, "How dirty can the toilet be?" Don't you usually clean it?"
"Uncle, Meimei is still in confinement, and I'm usually too busy to have time to clean." Zhang Wei jumped out to help.
"Okay, Zhang Wei, you're too busy, and you don't clean up, so your wife still lives in such a dirty environment after giving birth!" My anger has also risen.
"Uncle, our family is not good, and no one usually cleans it, so you understand." Li Mei ignored my anger and said in a proper tone.
"Li Mei, how do I think you have changed as if you have changed like a person, you won't be like this before!" I said it with great sadness.
"People change, uncle, don't blame Meimei." Zhang Wei is still reading from the script.
"Change it, change it, become like this, like words?" I clearly felt the change in Li Mei, and the distance between us was getting farther and farther apart.
The three of them confronted each other, speechless for a while. I turned my back, my mind in turmoil. I began to wonder, can we continue this family business? My wife and I didn't have a good life before, but at least there was no such problem.
I went back to the room and looked at the silhouette of Li Mei holding the baby breastfeeding, and I couldn't help but think of what she looked like when she was a child. Even when there was no food or clothing, she would work hard to clean the room and clean the only corner of our wall. I felt so bad that I decided to get out of here.
"Li Mei, I'll go first, you guys take your time in confinement." I said hello briefly.
"Well, be careful on the road, uncle." Li Mei said without looking back.
I nodded, didn't look at Zhang Wei, and went out directly. On the bus home, I leaned against the window and watched the rapidly regressing scenery outside, but my heart was heavy.
This family relationship has come to an end. I sighed. In fact, my relationship with my wife is getting weaker and weaker, and I have lost my passion and has only become a burden. Seeing the mess of Li Mei's house this time strengthened my view of the old family.
Maybe it's time for me to start over and look for new possibilities. I don't know where the future holds, but at least, I'm determined to end my current marriage. When I get home, I want to have a good talk with my wife, and the problems between us are not something that can be solved overnight.
People always have to improve, and so do relationships. I closed my eyes and let the bus carry me to a new starting point. At this stop, it's time for us to say goodbye.
After arriving home, I decisively filed for divorce from my wife Lin Lan.
"What? You said you would divorce me?" Lin Lan's eyes widened, and she couldn't believe it.
"yes, I think we all need a fresh start." I said it seriously.
"You're crazy! We've been married for ten years, how can you do this to me?" Lin Lan said excitedly.
"Ten years is not a short time, but are you happy during this time?" I asked rhetorically, "I know you're not having a good time, and so am I." We might as well stop this pain and give each other a way out. ”
Lin Lan was silent, and a trace of sadness appeared on her face: "If you insist... Then let's leave..."
I nodded: "I've been thinking about it for a long time. The foundation of our relationship is no longer there, and it is not good for everyone to continue it. ”
"What about the kid? He was still young and needed his parents. Lin Lan raised a realistic question.
"You take him with you, I will cover the living expenses, and I will see him often." I said, "He'll understand when he's older." ”
Lin Lan nodded with red eyes, turned around and entered the bedroom.
I let out a long exhale and began to pack. In the process of packing up, I recalled the bits and pieces with Lin Lan.
We were college classmates and naturally came together after graduation. Lin Lan has good looks and a good personality, I think she is a good marriage partner. Now that I think about it, the choice at that time was based only on the judgment of the senses, and there was no consideration for the fit of the heart.
After marriage, I was busy with my career, and Lin Lan concentrated on her husband and children. Gradually, the passion faded and the tiredness of life took over. There is no real communication between us anymore, just the mechanical maintenance of this home.
Seeing the mess of Li Mei's house this time, I suddenly felt that Lin Lan had also changed. We all lost ourselves in this loveless marriage. Leaving may be the only way out.
After packing up, I went to the door of my son's room and gently pushed open a crack. When I saw my sleeping son, my heart suddenly jumped. I knew he was going to be sad and confused for the rest of his life, but I couldn't stay and continue this false life.
"I'm sorry, son, you have to take care of yourself." I whispered and silently closed the door.
The moment I left the house, I finally breathed a sigh of relief. I don't know where the road is headed, but at least I've taken the first steps towards a new life.
In the days that followed, I lived in a rental house by myself, and I would remit money to Lin Lan every month for the living expenses of the children. The communication with Lin Lan gradually decreased, and my son didn't want to see me, so I felt very uncomfortable, but I couldn't help it.
Sometimes in the dead of night, I wonder if I've made the wrong choice. After all, it is a pity that the relationship for so many years was broken off on impulse like this. I'll be curious about how Lin Lan is doing now, but I can't get into her heart anymore.
Many choices in life come at a cost, but being able to start over is also a relief. I started learning to live alone, working hard to earn money, and occasionally going out to party with a few friends. Day after day, I gradually adapted to the new environment.
Life is still long, and I believe that happiness will eventually come knocking on the door.
And just like that, I started the search for a new life.
On weekends, I would go to the park by myself, walking and thinking about life. When I look at the children running on the playground, I think of my son, and I wonder if he is doing well. My ex-wife Lin Lan hasn't answered my phone for a long time, and I gradually didn't disturb their mother and son's life.
Once, while resting on a park bench, I met Zhou Xue. She sat next to me fiddling with her DSLR camera, and it turned out that she was also coming to the park alone.
"I'm taking pictures, have you taken any good photos?" I pretended to talk casually.
"It's okay, just pat it with your hand, and you're going to take a walk here?" Zhou Xue raised her head, and a pair of bright eyes fascinated me a little.
"Well, it's good to visit the park in your free time." I was a little embarrassed to say.
"It's most comfortable to walk alone, without being influenced by other people." Zhou Xue continued.
I nodded, and started chatting with her about the scenery of the park. Zhou Xue is very talkative and very pleasant to communicate with her. Before we knew it, we had become regulars and friends in the park.
I started looking forward to meeting Zhou Xue in the park every week. We would walk and chat, sharing our insights and experiences. I will also print out the photos taken by Zhou Xue and give them to her.
"You're too professional in shooting, I can't compare to this little hobby." I said with a smile.
"You've won the prize, and I'm at the level of amateur tickets." Zhou Xue said softly.
I found myself looking at Zhou Xue's side face and smile, a heartbeat I hadn't experienced in a long time. Zhou Xue is like a ray of sunshine that illuminates my monotonous life.
One day, I plucked up the courage to say to Zhou Xue, "Why don't we change places, and I'll treat you to a meal?"
Zhou Xue was stunned for a moment, and then smiled shyly: "Okay, I like to chat with you."
I was so happy that I came to a quiet restaurant with Zhou Xue. During dinner, we had a great chat, and I told her about myself.
"I'm living alone now, if you don't mind, let's get to know each other closer?" I was careful with my words.
"I don't mind, in fact, I admire your courage." Zhou Xue said with a red face.
My heart was full of joy, and for the first time, I tasted the sweetness of youth that I had not seen for a long time.
Since then, Zhou Xue and I have started dating. We went to the cinema to watch a movie, went to a coffee shop to play cards, and went to the supermarket to buy groceries together. Even in the simplest of life, being with her makes me happy.
I began to think that maybe I should ask for a new marriage and walk hand in hand with Zhou Xue for the rest of my life. It's not impulsive, it's deliberate. I can't let the good feelings slip away.
On a cloudless weekend, I invited Zhou Xue to my apartment. I prepared flowers and red wine and planned to propose to her. No matter what the outcome is, I will speak my heart and leave no regrets.
Looking at the colorful sunshine outside the window, I waited for Zhou Xue's arrival with hope. The turning point in life is just around the corner, and I believe that happiness will come eventually.
Zhou Xue came soon, she was wearing a pale yellow dress and looked sparkling.
"Oops, sorry to keep you waiting." Zhou Xue said with a smile on her face.
"No, no, please sit down. I have prepared red wine and flowers to chat with you. I said with some nervousness.
"Thank you, I'm very happy." Zhou Xue glanced at me shyly.
We sat on the balcony and enjoyed the sun while drinking red wine. I took a deep breath and plucked up the courage to speak: "Zhou Xue, I actually have something to say to you."
"You say." Zhou Xue looked at me intently.
"I've been with you for the first time in a long time. You are like a light that illuminates my gray life. I want to ask you... Would you like to consider staying with me?" My heart was beating hard as I finished.
Zhou Xue was stunned for a moment, then lowered her head with a red face: "I also like to be with you too, you make me feel excited." But so fast... I still need a little time to think about it. ”
My heart sank: "Oh, I understand, it's too early for you. Let's maintain the status quo for now. ”
"Well, I think we need to know more before we can make a decision." Zhou Xue looked up at me, her eyes a little complicated.
"You're right." I tried to squeeze a smile out.
Both men were a little embarrassed and fell into a brief silence. At this moment, my mobile phone suddenly rang, and the screen showed the caller "Lin Lan".
I was stunned for a moment, and then said to Zhou Xue: "I'm sorry, I'll answer the phone, please drink red wine first."
Zhou Xue nodded, and I walked to the balcony and connected the phone: "Hey, Lin Lan?" What's the matter?"
Lin Lan's voice on the other end of the phone was choked: "I want to tell you a piece of news, son he... He was terminally ill, and the doctor said there was only half a year left..."
I clenched my phone in shock: "What?! How is this possible?! Son, he's so young, are you kidding?"
"How could I make such a joke!" Lin Lan said excitedly, "The doctor's report is here, the diagnosis is advanced kidney cancer, and it has reached the terminal stage..."
My brain went blank and my hands and feet were cold. I barely managed to talk to her about my condition, and when I hung up, I almost collapsed.
"Did something happen?" Zhou Xue walked over with concern.
I held back my tears and told her the truth. With that, I lowered my head and burst into tears.
"I have to go back and take care of him, even if the last few months... I'm sorry, but we're going to have to stop for now. I said with a shudder.
Zhou Xue was silent, and then hugged me gently: "I understand, you don't have to blame yourself, go take care of the child." I will support you. ”
I clenched Zhou Xue's hand and couldn't cry. We both understood that she and I had come to an end for the time being.
I left to go home the next day, Lin Lan hugged her head and cried, and her son was lying weakly on the hospital bed.
"Daddy—" he muttered to me, and my heart was completely broken.
After that, I took him to major hospitals, looking for famous doctors, just looking for a glimmer of life. I stayed at his bedside all the time, working day and night, as long as I could save him.
I quit my job and spent all my time with my son. I kept reminding myself to pick myself up, or at least to show hope in front of him.
My son's condition was getting worse and worse, he began to bleed frequently and needed blood transfusions and hemostasis. I was tired like the walking dead, but I didn't complain.
"Dad, I want to go to the playground." One day the son suddenly said.
Knowing that his time was short, he nodded with tears streaming down his face: "Okay, son, let's go now."
I carried him to the playground and watched him laugh hard and play all the sports. When night fell, he passed peacefully in my arms.
I cried bitterly, tears streaming down my face. I know I've lost him forever.
The son's funeral was brief. The cemetery was attended only by me, Lin Lan and a few relatives. The sky was overcast, as if mourning the loss of this young life.
I looked at my son's tombstone and couldn't stop crying. Lin Lan also had red eyes, holding my hand and crying silently.
"I'm sorry, Dad didn't protect you." I knelt down in front of the grave and choked.
Lin Lan helped me up and said with tears in her eyes: "It's not your fault, it's our bad life..."
The others left wreaths and left in twos and threes. Only my husband and wife were left in the cemetery.
"I want to talk to him alone, you can go back first." I said to Lin Lan.
Lin Lan nodded, patted me on the shoulder, and turned to leave.
I sat alone in front of my son's grave, tears still rolling in my eyes: "Son, I'm sorry, it was Dad who couldn't save you." If I could do it all over again, I would love you even more and accompany you to play all over the world..."
At this point, I choked up and couldn't speak. The cold wind blew and I shivered.
I don't know how long it took, but I finally dried my tears and staggered to my feet. I knew I had to move on with my life.
Back at home, Lin Lan had already packed her luggage and moved out. She left a note saying that she would move to her sister's house and needed time to calm down. I didn't keep her.
So he went back to living alone. This time, however, I really realized what loneliness is. The whole house was empty, and there was a shadow of his son everywhere.
I called Zhou Xue, and she promised to come to see me regularly. I didn't mention marriage again, and we both seemed to know that it was impossible.
I went to work like a walking dead during the day and tossed and turned in my cold bed at night. I knew I had severe depression, but I couldn't get the urge to ask for help.
One night, under the double torment of loneliness and depression, I suddenly had an idea. I don't want to live anymore. Anyway, I lost too much and won't be happy again.
The thought swirled in my mind and could not be dissipated for a long time. I began to seriously consider ending my own life. Maybe I shouldn't have chosen to divorce in the first place, I paid too much price.
Just as I was about to do it, the doorbell rang suddenly. I opened the door, and it was Zhou Xue.
"You haven't contacted me recently, I'm worried, and I came to see you." The concern in her look stung me.
"Thanks, I'm fine." I smiled reluctantly.
"You've lost a lot of weight, and your face is very bad, has something happened?" She frowned.
I was silent. She pulled me to sit down, and I finally couldn't control myself and told her all the pain and urges.
"Please, don't do anything stupid, you still have people who care about you!" Zhou Xue hugged me and cried bitterly.
I hugged her and cried, and we kept each other warm until the tears were dry.
After that day, I finally started to seek help from a psychiatrist. I also started working hard and spending more time on fitness and reading. I told myself that after despair, there was always hope.
I can't do it all over again, and I have to accept that. I will be glad that I can still be cared for by Zhou Xue and cherish everything I have now.
Maybe in the future I will remarry and have new children; Or I would live alone, but every day was full and happy. I will eventually see that there is still light in my life.
I believe that as long as I don't give up, happiness will come again. I have to go on bravely, this is the best memory of the deceased.
As the days passed, my life gradually got back on track.
I joined a support group to share and heal with other people who were sad and frustrated. I also followed the doctor's advice and started counseling twice a week.
My counselor suggested that I keep a journal to sort out my emotions, and I started writing on fits and starts. I recorded all the bits and pieces of my son's life, as well as my own emotional ups and downs. I've found that writing is a great way to vent emotionally.
At work, I've put more energy back into it. My colleagues saw the change in me and took the initiative to communicate with me, which made me feel entrusted and important. The company recruited a new intern, Ling Xiao, and I recommended myself to be her mentor.
"Mr. Liu, you have worked hard to pass on my experience." Ling Xiao said politely.
"Yes, if you don't understand anything, just ask me." I say it from the bottom of my heart.
I began to do my best to guide Ling Xiao, and she was indeed very attentive. Watching her learn and grow rapidly, I felt a sense of accomplishment that I hadn't felt in a long time from the inside out.
One day, Ling Xiao blushed and said to me, "Mr. Liu, can you take me to visit the company's venue again?"
I smiled and agreed. During my visit with her, I noticed that she looked at me from time to time, and there seemed to be a secret liking in her eyes.
I understood that it might be a delusion, after all, she was so much younger than me. But this concern really touched me. I decided to be her mentor and give her fatherly guidance.
On weekends, I go for a walk in the park, and occasionally I think of Zhou Xue. If it weren't for her, I wouldn't have been able to stand here a long time ago. I know we're destined to be out of the ordinary, but I'm grateful for her care. Maybe one day we'll meet again.
At the same time, I began to reflect on the marriage choices that led to my son's departure. I had left Lin Lan decisively, but the death of my son made me re-examine it.
Maybe I shouldn't have let go easily, and I should have listened to Lin Lan's thoughts. Perhaps we could have solved the problem through communication instead of choosing a divorce. This became the deepest regret of my life.
Late one night, I suddenly received a call from Lin Lan, who choked up and said that her body was showing signs of deterioration. I knew she was depressed, and I immediately drove to her house.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have left you alone." I helped her into the hospital.
"I'm also at fault, and I shouldn't have said goodbye." Lin Lan said weakly.
I was very distressed and accompanied her to check her body. Although it was not critical, I insisted that she be hospitalized for observation.
"You've worked hard all these years." I held her hand.
"I miss my son too." Lin Lan shed tears.
We all cried and hugged each other. I know that we are finally relieved and forgive each other.
From that day on, I began to visit Lin Lan regularly. We talked about our son's bits and pieces, laughing and reminiscing about the past. Lin Lan's health has also improved, and I am sincerely gratified.
People will always make mistakes, but they have time to make up for it when they turn back in time. Lin Lan and I got back together, which is the best way to miss my son.
I began to feel that I had finally come out of my grief and ushered in a new hope in life. I will cherish what I have now and look forward positively.
There is still a long way to go, and I must be brave enough to keep going. I believe that there will be light ahead, and as long as I don't give up, I will still have time to make up for the wonderful.
This is my promise to the deceased, and it is also my expectation of myself. Through the pain, I have transformed into a better version of myself. I'm looking forward to a new chapter in my life, and it's just around the corner.