Chen Jiangong "Passing Flower Turban"

Qin Jiang is a very strange person, although he has written a lot of novels full of human feelings, he lacks a minimum human touch in dealing with people. Recently, I interviewed him twice and tried to write an interview about him, but I was rejected. Last Saturday night, on trolleybus 103, I saw him as I got off the train. Calling him, he didn't even pay attention, kept a calm face, grabbed the handrail, and stood there coldly. Isn't it crazy? Not like. He is very honest like that, and his works are also deep and easy, and they are by no means the work of shallow people. Why?

Coincidentally, the "Excellent Novel Award Conference" hosted by the literary series "Biyun" was arranged to live in the same room with him. His short story "Slender Man" won the award for its far-reaching theme, rough and simple characters, and the gesture of the river out of the gorge. But he didn't show up until the award ceremony was over. Is it because you are really nervous about studying at S University, or is it because you are afraid of the dazzling magnesium light and the interviews that follow?

In the evening, he came. Thin and medium-slender, with an angular face, sword eyebrows, slightly sunken eye sockets, a high and straight nose, straight lips, and a slightly raised chin. Just like when I saw him the other day: his face was tired, and he blinked dry eyes from time to time. He nodded and smiled at me, as if he hadn't left his mind. He sat down on the couch.

"Why did you come? Rushed to the editorial office? ”

"Nope."

"I see you're tired."

"Really?" He didn't deny it, but he didn't mean to take over my topic.

We were silent.

I had a hard time living with this embarrassing situation. I said, "You didn't show up at the award ceremony, which really disappointed everyone." Even Comrade Ma Zhengyuan came, gave instructions, and said that he wanted to get to know you. ”

"Oh." His brow furrowed, and then he said, "I'm calling to ask for leave." I can't get away from the school,"

I said, "Comrade Zhengyuan told me before leaving, and when I saw you, I would take you to him." Wanted to talk to you. He said you were promising. ”

He was noncommittal.

After the lights went out, and when I was lying on the bed, he suddenly asked me, "Can you make an excuse for me?" I...... I haven't wanted to see him lately. ”

"Why?"

Silence again.

That's a bit excessive. Comrade Ma Zhengyuan is a leader in the literary and artistic circles and is 70 years old. And he's just a hairy boy. He's still so unkind.

I said, "We're first friends." I don't know much about your temper yet. However, I think, in terms of politeness, you can't..."

"Shhhh After a long time, he said, "Yes, originally, I wanted to see him." I guessed he would come, too. But..."

"Why, you..." In the words, I guessed that there seemed to be some delicate relationship between him and Comrade Zhengyuan.

"Looks like I'm going to have to tell you. Because I have to ask you to help me block the road. Can you keep it a secret for me for a while, though? There was a wry smile in his voice, "You would never have imagined that I am his son." ”

"What... Comrade Ma Zhengyuan doesn't know? He doesn't know yet?! ”

"Why are you shouting that? Are you okay to lie down? He didn't know. Qin Jiang is my pen name. He only knew that his son Ma Ming was in Sichuan, working as a sailor on the Yangtze River waterway. He didn't know that I had just been admitted to college and had written a novel. Qin Jiang is me. ”

"What's going on?"

"It's actually quite simple. I'm a son who doesn't fight. He took a puff of his cigarette, looked at me, and slowly shuffled it out, "You can't imagine what I was like now." Seven or eight years ago, my friends and I soaked in 'Lao Mo' all day. Do you know 'Old Mo'? ”

"Old Mo?" Oh, remembered. The Moscow Restaurant, now called the Beijing Exhibition Center Restaurant. "Lao Mo" is a common name for the children of senior cadres.

"At that time, 'Lao Mo' had just reopened, and he used silver cutlery. We steal a spoon or a fork every time we eat – not to sell it for money. This is a sign of eating 'Lao Mo' once, and it is as worthy of showing off as a military merit medal... We also often go to 'Kangle' – we used to be in Wangfujing, but now we have moved – and one of the girls who opened the menu was very beautiful. We drank and made noise and made noise there. I once took a ticket and asked her to give me another bottle of soda. She asked me for a table of gross tickets and coins. I drunkenly swept them all to the ground and jingled them around. This is still a good talk among my friends, and it is said that it is 'pulled out'... When I was full of wine and food, I hid in a person's house and chatted about the big day - I didn't dare to dance at that time, and I didn't have a video to watch, so I could only talk about the big day, play cards, and scold the 'Queen of the Red Capital'... I don't go back to my home until midnight every day.

“...... You don't believe it? Actually, for me, it's inevitable. I grew up in a boarding school where the children of cadres were concentrated. I know the rank represented by the golden bar and golden bean on the epaulette collar, and I am also familiar with the Red Banner, Jim, Mercedes, and Jiss all the way to Volga and Babeda. But I didn't have the preparation I needed for life. The tide of life is coming. For a while, I am a 'hero' and a 'young general' who 'inherits his father's business, as a matter of course', and for a while I am a 'gangster cub'. I followed my father's ups and downs, proud, frustrated, drunk, cursed, but never found my place in life. I didn't know what I was supposed to do. Dad is also getting more and more Rosu. Maybe there is no official position, and there is no one to train? He called me a 'parasitic crab'. In the morning I unscrewed the door of my room: 'Hey, old man, get up!' - Later I realized that he was scolding me, saying that I was Oblomov! I sarcastically mocked him in turn: 'Old cloth! —this is the abbreviation of 'Old Bolshevik'. I said, 'Old Bu, you get up early!' Read your brick-thick "Book of Horses" and go, it's for eggs! 'Makes him tremble with anger...'

Qin Jiang laughed. I couldn't help but laugh too.

"That's it, I'm so angry that I blew you away."

"No, I'll go on my own." Qin Jiang stopped laughing. After a while, he pondered and said slowly, "Do you think I'm satisfied with this kind of life? Every night, lying in bed, I feel like my mind is blank. The terror of doing nothing and draining my youth haunts me like a viper. However, I soon fell asleep again. When the sun was drying my buttocks again, I rode the 'crested' car again, and went to the red men and green women, and drank and had fun, filling my empty intestines with colorful liquids. God knows how I left Beijing with a stomp. Maybe it's because of my family's 'old cloth' endless nagging. Maybe it's because of this one thing: that time, on a whim, I took a few friends to the Victory Restaurant and asked for a table of 70 yuan - when I went to cut the queue in 1967, my mother had already let people die, and my father was still in prison in Qincheng, so I had to go to the kitchen of the Victory Restaurant to prepare dry food for the next day's train. As we drank and drank hot, I saw the old waiter, a woman in her fifties. Back then, after hearing my complaint as a 'thief', it was she who stood up and advocated for me to be let go, so that I was spared the pain of sticks. I raised my glass and called her 'benefactor' half-awake and half-drunk, and beckoned my 'brethren' to come and 'toast my benefactor'. She pushed me away, saying she didn't know us at all, glared at me again, and left without looking back. I will never forget her disgusted gaze---- I remembered that when I was in the queue, I used to stand in the middle of the old peasants, staring at the nouveau riche who came out of the brigade headquarters drunkenly. I'm scared of this gaze... Perhaps, it was because it was the end of 1976, and everyone showed their place in life - those who sacrificed their lives to seek the law, those who gave up, those who were confused, those who groveled... What about me, a clever waste - it was useless in the past and will not be useful in the future! I suddenly felt a panic of being eliminated from life... Alas, everything anyway made me fall more and more into a depression that I could not extricate myself from. Finally, I decided to leave Beijing. Leave the 'Little Sanyo', the 'Big Sony', the countless family dances – this was already popular among my friends by the time I left Beijing. Tango, rumba, disco, veneer dancing, fuck it! Our 'Lao Bu' didn't believe that I could go to Sichuan to work as a worker, he thought that I was tired of playing in Beijing, or that I was in trouble, and I was trembling and 'why'. I said, 'Oh, you have to ask why, why, everything!' I don't why! I don't do anything! I'm bored of living, and I want to change my life! —That's it, I'm gone..."

The night wind rustled the trees outside the building, and the silk embroidered curtains were also raised high, bringing a faint fragrance of lilacs to the house.

Qin Jiang suddenly became so talkative, and his voice was colorful. The rigid, preoccupied demeanor when I saw him the first few times seemed to be gone. To be honest, just what he told me, I could already write a wonderful interview---- life has transformed people. A few years later, Qin Jiang, who left home because he was "bored in life, change his way of life", became an "engineer of the human soul", and a young author with a fledgling talent returned. His father didn't know that the promising young man he praised was the unscrupulous son... But—

"I'm so glad for you, Qin Jiang. You've taken that step to get to where you are today. But I don't understand, why don't you see your father? He'll be happy to see you. ”

Perhaps, my questioning was too abrupt, and which of his nerves was stabbed? He was silent again. After a long time, he said, "I want to see him." I also proudly thought about what my dad would look like when I suddenly appeared in front of my dad wearing the S University badge! I learned the news of the award for "Slender Man", and I wanted to put the meeting with my father at the award ceremony, which scared him even more. But, I thought, I think it's better to talk about it later, now, I don't have this state of mind..."

"Why?"

"For something else." There seemed to be a bit of sadness in his tone. Although I couldn't see his face clearly, the voice reminded me of that troubled, tired face.

"What the hell is going on?"

"Ahem," he sighed, "it's what happened these days, and it's a long story." Forget it, sleep, sleep! ”

"I'm not sleepy. Tell me about it. ”

He ignored me anymore. In the night, only the head of his bed could be seen, and the red light of the cigarette butt flashed, flashed.

Day 2, Day 3. During the day, it's a group discussion. In the evening, reporters who are interviewing and editors who are invited to write articles come frequently. He couldn't be separated, and after the lights went out, he seemed to have lost his interest in talking. On the fourth day, after dinner, I took him for a walk in a small street garden outside the hotel.

"Why are you so honest, go back and wait for them to entangle?!"

Idle a lot of other things. As the twilight crept down, we sat down on the terrazzo platform of the flower bed.

"I see you've had a heart on your mind these days. What the hell is going on? ”

He smiled: "I also said that others are entangled." You're tough enough, too. ”

I said, "Forget it, then don't talk about it, lest you suffer." ”

He didn't answer, and after a while, he said to himself, "It's hard to hold it in my heart." ”

The moon travels through the clouds. Cool breeze. Crickets sing low. Occasionally, the headlights of passing cars cast clusters of shadows on us. He puffed a cricket from under his feet, put it in his mouth and chewed it.

"Honestly, I'm so grateful for literature, which has turned my life into a textbook. If it had been before, it might have made me miserable, even shaken and disillusioned. But now, I see it only as some kind of tragedy of life's journey. It keeps me awake and determined. ”

"Do you mean that recent incident?"

"Yes."

"What the hell is going on?"

"It's going to be a long way off." He spat out the straw stick that had bitten into his mouth.

"I didn't tell you that at the end of 1976, I went to Chongqing to become a crew member through the path of my buddies. I just played model airplanes when I was a child, and I longed for the scenery of the Yangtze River, so I had a whim and ambitiously planned to start my life's voyage seriously from here. I'm not afraid to laugh at you when I say it, alas, where is there a little bit of tenacity left in me that is necessary for the voyage of life? The muscles and bones on the body have already made whiskey and brandy crispy! Arithmetic, draw, stay up late in front of a lone lamp? Where can I stand this! I'm used to dancing all night under the white chandelier. Holding a book that tastes the same as chewing wax, meditating? It's incredible! I'm used to sitting on the couch with my legs crossed, wandering leisurely and listening to chamber music. Not to mention this, even my minimum work is annoying: the sound of the machine running is nerve-wracking, and I stay here for more than ten days, until the passenger ship goes from Chongqing to Shanghai, and then from Shanghai back to Chongqing. I can't do this drudgery. Alas, I know I've been ruined. I'm not going to do anything: I've opened my diary several times, and each time I've resolved to 'write to the end of my life,' to 'record the journey I have struggled with.'" But it was never written. I made up my mind to learn English, bought books, and bought a small semiconductor radio, but I only learned ABCD, which I thought was too slim and didn't seem to be as 'affordable' as Japanese, because there are many kanji in Japanese that you can understand at a glance. However, in the end, I gave up halfway... I began to reminisce about the 'small circle' I stayed in Beijing, reminiscing about 'Lao Mo', 'Kangle', 'disco' and 'Da Sanyo', and I wondered what was eye-opening for them to watch videos in fashion... I dare say that if she hadn't suddenly broken into my life, I would have quickly returned to the people I had lived with, and continued the life of abundance and emptiness, abundance and boredom. However, at this time, I saw her..."

"Who is she?"

"Her name is Shen Ping. We met on a ship. After a pause, he suddenly smiled bitterly, "Actually, what kind of 'knowing' is it, it's just - I remember her... It was three years ago, one day in early spring, oh, it was February 26th, yes, because I have stuck to this day and this diary started on that day. That morning, our passenger liner 'Red Star 215' anchored in the mist. Have you ever been to Chongqing to take a river ferry? Then you must have tasted this: the mist not only did not disperse, but it became thicker and thicker, and even the rising sun was submerged in it, and the gray-white light was scattered dimly. Visibility was so low that the ship could not set sail. The passenger ship had no choice but to stop in the middle of the river and wait helplessly. The machine stopped, and I stepped out of the cabin to breathe and saw a girl standing on the deck outside the fourth-class cabin. She is not like other travelers, she covers her palms over her eyebrows and looks at the sky, asking, cursing, she doesn't. She leaned her back against the railing of the ship's side and read quietly. I'm so jealous of her. She was engrossed, her eyes were bright, the corners of her mouth were slightly upturned, and she shuddered and trembled from time to time, not knowing what was in the book that stirred her heart. She was very plain, her hair was tied together with two short braids at the back of her head, and there were no ornaments. Dressed in a blue trouser gown, only the embroidered collar of the underwear flashed from the collar of the blouse, and you could see the instinctive pursuit of a girl. She is slender, toned, with clear eyebrows and beautiful eyes, and the simple outfit that goes with her, coupled with her reading demeanor, I don't know why it attracts me...

"I was twenty-five years old. In Beijing, in the circle where I live, I also know a lot of girls. They chased me, too. But I've never been in love..."

"It was love at first sight this time?"

"No, not yet. I just thought she was mysterious, with a jealous arrogance - not the contrived arrogance of the girls I'd been in contact with in the past, but... How to say, perhaps, this is just my feeling, it is her demeanor holding a book, as if she is in a no-man's land, that makes me feel that she has a superhuman spiritual advantage. Although I can usually talk about Austerlitz and Waterloo, and let the shallow girls cast foolish glances, as if I had become Napoleon. But the girl in front of me made me ashamed of myself. But I'm not convinced. I think she's pretending to be garlic, filling, and elegant...

"Towards noon, the fog lifted. The passenger ship travels at full speed on the open river. The sun is dazzling, and the river is sparkling and shining. She stopped reading, took out a sky-blue nylon scarf, and tied the two corners to the post on the side of the ship. The river wind was very violent, the turban shook off, and the two fiery red phoenixes printed on it were flying. She grabbed the flickering corner and leaned over the railing, staring into the smoke.

"I took my shift and went to the crew dining room for breakfast. As I passed behind her, I noticed that the button on the headscarf was loose. I leaned against the hatch behind her, looked at it with my arms crossed for a while, and couldn't help but say, 'Hey, don't be romantic, I'm going to scrape into the river and wear it for the Dragon King!' She turned her head at the sound and hurriedly tightened the button of her turban, and threw a grateful glance at me. Hey, she still seems to have tears in her eyes. I was a little proud of what I found. 'What is this for?' Contact code? And with whom? I said it casually, without any deep meaning, but her face turned red and she said, 'My mother.' I was surprised: 'Your mother?' Where is it? She stretched out her hand and pointed to the river bank in front of her, and said: 'There it is! On the bank of the river, the green bamboo is shaded, and the smoke curls up. Her mother teaches at the small school by the river. It's also their home. In another ten minutes, the boat passed there. She tied her flower headscarf here so that her mother could see it, and she was standing next to her. 'He, life and death are as tragic as parting! I laughed at her. But she shook her head and said, 'It's not life and death, but... Tragic, of course! 'Good fellows, madness!

She took a boat to Wuhan and planned to change trains to the Chinese Department of S University in Beijing. She's amazing. It's just a junior high school graduate, but he won the first place in the region. She was proud. Of course, who can be upset if they are replaced?! 'Didn't you take the college entrance exam?' She asked me. 'Me? I wiped my oily hands with cotton silk, shook my head with a wry smile, and threw the cotton silk into the river again. 'Manly man, why are you so bear?!' She stared at me with a mischievous glint in her eyes. I rolled my eyelids and said, 'I recognize bears.' She giggled: 'Damn! True or fake? It's true?! Jump into the river! I don't recognize bears! Don't recognize the bear, and don't accept fate! My mom was a rightist – she said she wasn't! But Dad dumped us and went to the "revolution" alone! My mother has taught me to memorize since I was a child: Xibo plays Zhou Yi in detention and Zhong Nieu in the Spring and Autumn Period... Hmph, recommended to go to college, I didn't have my share in any time, how is it now! She spread her fingers and pushed the flower turban rolled up in front of her cheeks, as if admiring a banner of victory.

"I don't know if you ever felt this way when you were young: perhaps, the occasional encounter with a girl, even a look, a smile, will make you unforgettable for the rest of your life. That's how she suddenly filled my heart. Don't get me wrong. What she left me with was not just a simple warm and beautiful memory, no, more than that. After that conversation, I never had the courage to meet her again. I could only poke my head out of the computer room from time to time, watching her read in the afterglow of the setting sun, reading to the mournful sound of the ape: sitting on a chair, erecting her feet on the railing, resting her head on the backrest, holding a book, not moving. The river is rushing below. The green mountains are like sharpening, passing by... I couldn't possibly know more about her struggles. Perhaps, in infancy, she began to experience the vicissitudes of life with her mother? But now, how proud she is, how proud! And I, yes, have been sin for four or five years, and I still can't forget the swearing. But apart from swearing, oh, and in addition to being familiar with Chinese and Western cuisine, what else can I leave for myself to be proud of?!

"I declared war on myself from this day on. Hard, hard work. Head overhang, taper thorn strand. Smell the chickens and dance, swear to the sky... Of course, that's easier said than done. If it weren't for her, I would have turned the plan of struggle into ashes as many times as before. But this time I succeeded. Because her posture, her demeanor, her words, and her fluttering flower turban, have been flashing in front of my eyes and ringing in my ears. I swore at the time that you would sound like you would laugh - I was determined to be admitted to the Chinese Department of S University as well, and I was going to meet her... That's how I got on the literary path. Of course, I liked it because of the past, but maybe it was more because she studied literature. The path of life is full of serendipity in this way. Ironically, I didn't even know her name at the time! Later, gradually, talent, perseverance, passion, these things that I have long been unfamiliar with, seem to return to me unconsciously. hard reading, writing, labor; Nature, society, people... Everything started to be charming—I didn't need her to be there to push me all the time. However, I still can't see her in front of me, the girl who threw the first rope at me stuck in the quagmire of life—maybe she didn't think of it at all. But there was a desire in my heart. Maybe it's called love? Anyway, I look forward to the day when I can proudly stand in front of her and tell her in her amazed gaze: 'It's all because I saw you!' ’”

"Dudu-" Truck after truck rumbled across the road, breaking the silence in the street garden. On the car, steel bars and iron pipes rattled and the sound of heavy engines drifted through the night sky. Unlucky! When all the hustle and bustle calmed down, Qin Jiang's voice no longer appeared.

I glanced at him. His face was hidden in the dark shadows of the trees, his lips were closed, and only his eyes shone with a grim light.

I seemed to have felt the pain in his heart, sighed, and said to him sympathetically, "I understand." You're in love with her. Is it that after you were finally admitted to the Chinese Department of S University this time, when you saw her, she had been..."

He didn't answer.

"Hey, there's no grass at the end of the world. If you want to open a little, slowly you will be fine. I advised him.

He shook his head: "You misunderstood. ”

"How?"

"As you might guess, it's nothing. Of course, I will be miserable, but I can think of it. But it's not that simple. ”

"What the hell is going on?"

"The girl I've seen on the 'Red Star' ship maybe... Never to be seen again. ”

"Cancer?!" I exclaimed.

He was stunned. Then, a wry smile appeared at the corner of his mouth. He shook his head.

"As soon as I arrived at S University, I was anxious to find her. I don't know the name, and I'm too embarrassed to ask. I always pay attention to every female student who walks in front of me. I dare say that as soon as she shows up, I will recognize her immediately. Because in the past two years, she has appeared too many times in my dreams and in my heart..."

Qin Jiang and I walked out of the street garden, along the sidewalk illuminated by high-pressure mercury lamps, and walked back to the hotel. The figures of the two of us, one moment long, one moment short, and one moment long. His tone was still calm, as if every sentence was flowing slowly from the depths of his heart.

"Did you see her?"

"When I met her, it was more than 20 days after I arrived at school. The department held a party to celebrate the 31st anniversary of the National Day, and all the students of the department got together. First, the program is performed, and then it is casually formed in a circle, beating drums and passing flowers. The sound of the drums was so gripping that everyone threw it to the next person as if they had been electrocuted. The auditorium was filled with laughter.

"To be honest, I'm not in the mood for fun. I know she's right here, among the hundreds. But when will she stand in front of me?

"My hopes were not disappointed. Once in the day, there was another cheer in a nearby circle. The drums stopped, and a girl was pushed out of the crowd. That's her! I recognized it at a glance, it was her! Her outfit has changed a little, wearing a gray Western-style top with silver threads, dignified and generous. The hairstyle is no longer a short braid, it is fluffily tied up and thrown behind the shoulders. She was even more attractive than she had seen on the ship. No wonder I couldn't recognize her from the crowd at once! She was still so confident and generous, she didn't bother with the female classmates next to her, she tightened her slightly upturned lips, and walked to the center of the circle to draw lots. According to what was written on the stick, she had to guess a strange riddle in less than two minutes. She didn't guess it, so she had to follow the punishment method written on the slip and go to a colorful bamboo basket to touch a 'future lover'.

The students cheered again. I don't know who designed this prank, but she just caught up with it. Regardless of whether the note taken out of the bamboo basket was written 'Zhongshan Wolf' or 'Wu Dalang', the person who was punished had to announce to everyone that this was his 'future lover'. Even though it was just a joke, she bit her lower lip, her eyes glinted with nervousness, and she reached into the basket. Alas, it's ridiculous to think about it, it's not so much that she's nervous, it's that I'm more nervous than she is—though she doesn't know it. I seemed to think in my heart that the note she reached out had something to do with me---- all this happened when I first recognized her!

She pulled out the note. She opened it and looked. My heart was pounding for some reason. What exactly is written in that note? Her face turned red, and her heels were pressed upward, as if to jump. She clapped her hands and couldn't help but shout, 'Oops! Really earned! The classmates laughed. Some shouted: 'Hurry up! Why are you so excited? ''It must be very, very wishful!'' Then she came to her senses, blushed, stamped her feet and cried, 'I didn't mean that!' That's not what I meant! ’...... Everyone laughed even more. The note was finally snatched up by other classmates and read. It reads: 'Dignified, personable, young, promising, promising.' Amid the louder laughter and shouts of the classmates, the male classmate who read the note walked over solemnly and stretched out his hand to express his heartfelt congratulations to her. She threw her right hand behind her, which caused the audience to laugh playfully...

Even though she drew the best note, and despite all the joy that the joke had added to everyone, I somehow felt a little unpleasant in my heart. The party was over, and I hadn't suddenly walked up to her, as I had dreamed so many times. Even when she dragged her chair past me, I didn't move. Her cheeks were still flushed with excitement. She didn't recognize me.

"How many times have I secretly condemned myself for this. I don't understand why I'm so narrow-minded. It's so narrow that it's a game that gets haunted. Is it because of the selfishness of love, or is it because of something else? A few days later, one evening, I finally went to her dormitory. 'Do you still recognize me?' I stood in front of her. She seemed to be sad for some reason, and there were tears in the corners of her eyes. She looked at me in surprise and shook her head apologetically. I said, 'Hey, I've found a personable and promising lover, and I've forgotten everything!' Apparently she didn't bother to joke with me, lowered her eyelids, and said, 'Don't make a fuss.' Who are you? I said, 'A sailor who almost jumped into the Yangtze River and recognized the bear.' ''Is that you?'' She stared at me, and then, as I had already seen, her heels together on her tiptoes as if she were about to jump. Clapped his hands together and shouted with a smile: 'Oops, I remembered!' She let me in, but her mood quickly returned to her depression, and she forced a smile, but she couldn't find anything interesting to talk about. I stared into her eyes, took out the tone I had spoken on the boat when I first saw her, and teased her, 'What are you doing?' Is life and death again? And with whom? Isn't it tragic this time? Where's your flower turban? She didn't answer me, and sat lazily on the bed, leaning against the quilt. It was covered with the flower turban with the phoenix on it. She was absent-minded, staring out the window. Outside, the autumn rain is fluttering. I wish she had asked me how I had applied for this place, and I wanted her to ask me what I had been through in the past two years. But her mind didn't seem to be here at all. There was silence for a long time, and finally, I spoke: 'You... How have you been in the past two years? She put her finger on the bed: 'What's so bad?' People like us, who are neither famous nor have any academic connections, will be mixed up for another year, and return to that riverside town to be a teacher, and be satisfied...' The words were cold, and finally he smiled bitterly, and added: 'A little better than my mother's teacher.' She teaches elementary school, I teach middle school...' I was taken aback, and suddenly I felt that she was very strange. When asked what was wrong with her, she pursed her lips and didn't answer me right away. However, her eyes gradually covered with a layer of tears of grievance...

"Hey, actually, it's just because a few classmates in their class went on an autumn trip and didn't call her. Perhaps, just a small omission? There are so many students in the class, it is possible to call anyone or not. However, who can understand the sensitivity and sorrow of a girl in a remote town after entering a prestigious school? She said that several of them looked down on her, that is! — She had never heard of Mazurka and Polka, nor knew Delacroix; She didn't have any relatives or friends who were celebrities or scholars, so she never had the courage to knock on the door of any professor. She said that they must think she was 'dirty', because she could only listen to their elegant and fashionable strange talk like a fool, so she interjected two sentences, and most of them acted as their laughing stock... She's so serious. Angry, unjust, constantly spitting out a categorical 'hum' sound from the nasal cavity, is it contempt? Are you convinced? Or a 'wait and see' challenge? Both. This look is exactly the same as when he told me about his life experience on the ship. However, for some reason, instead of arousing the emotions of the past, an inexplicable melancholy and worry rose in my heart. It seems that I have been intoxicated by the golden autumn, and then I suddenly realized that there are also fallen leaves growing together with the autumn light. Even if what she said was true, what was there to be strange! On the shore of our pomegranate lake, there are many spruce trees that have risen from the thorny earth, and naturally there are many roots and seedlings that have sprouted from the lucky land. Here, there are study groups that claim to be 'desperate committees', young people who still hide in the bathroom to memorize words after their daughters-in-law, fashionable people and romantic figures, and 'Kissinger' who is familiar with the 'shortcut to the south' and 'shuttle diplomacy' in the publishing department and academic groups. It's strange that she, why is she so angry about a small autumn outing, why is she uneasy because of some shallow ridicule? Oh, no wonder her desk was full of Chopin, Beethoven, etc., and she thought she was studying art history, but it turned out that she was trying to know about Mazurka and Polka. It turns out that there is a seed of vanity buried in her heart...

I should say that I still know so little about her past. I don't know if she relied on self-esteem or vanity to ignite her passion when she struggled in difficult times. Whatever it may be, it's understandable, it's understandable. But will we always rely on these to raise the banner of our own struggle?

"yes, my disappointment is here. What she dreams of is just impressive. I found that she carried Monet, Van Gogh, Matisse and Picasso sharply; She learned to come out of her throat or nose from time to time, 'Huh? 'Cut off other people's conversations. Is it approval and approval? Or is it careless and unimpressed? Hell knows! Anyway, this is the most fashionable tone word nowadays - in fact, I don't know which one wholesaled it from other foreign students. Once, with great interest, she told me that she had finally found out about one of her mother's former students working at the Institute of Literature, and that she was going to visit him and ask him to recommend manuscripts and introduce celebrities. Finally, one day at noon, she met me again on the road, and said proudly that she had given the 'town' to those people who underestimated her - those people took a letter of recommendation from a certain scholar and went to visit Professor Gao Tang of the Institute of Literature, but they never expected to meet her in the living room talking and laughing with Mr. Gao, and they looked stupid! In the past two days, I have asked one after another: 'Why are you so familiar with Mr. Gao?' ’...... She described it to me with a fluttering brow. This time, she got the greatest satisfaction. She 'fought for herself'. Perhaps, her classmates don't dare to underestimate her anymore? Can she join their gang? Looking at her with relish, I had nothing to say but to interrupt her coldly and say, 'Congratulations are there.' I'm gone.

"That day, I spent the afternoon on a bench by Pomegranate Lake. The wind and sand of early spring swirled and fluttered in front of and behind him. But I always see her in front of me - the one I saw when I went to college and the figure of reading in the sunset on the 'Red Star 215 Wheel'. Perhaps, I have no power to interfere with the path of a person's life, and I can only suffer the pain of disappointment in the most secret places of my heart. I thought, did she struggle for a long time to get into that little circle? Could it be that after struggling for a long time, do I also want to return to that small circle? There, it is the quagmire that destroys all the passion, perseverance and talent of a person, and I struggled out of it with great difficulty! Oh, the struggle, I remembered the struggle full of strength and courage, and the street lamp that suddenly shone in the twilight in front of me, and suddenly made my heart warm - why don't you go to her quickly? How can you not go to her...

"She was about to go out, saying something was wrong. What's up? Wrap your hair around the top of your head, and a faint sandalwood wafts from your body. My sarcastic remark at noon did not seem to make her feel guilty, and her expression was more gentle than ever, and her eyes flashed at me—but I already had a hunch that it was not because of me, but because of the appointment she was going to make. She threw me an apologetic smile and said she had been too busy lately. She said she guessed what I was looking for her for. Originally, when she first entered the school, she should have introduced some celebrities to her 'old friends'. It's a pity it's too busy. Don't worry, she won't forget, she won't, not to mention that everyone is a 'little person' from Bashan Shudi... I blushed, and a feeling of humiliation made my cerebral blood vessels thrust. Outside the window, the flickering lights of the dormitory building opposite seemed to suddenly explode into countless fragments, covering the head and face. I narrowed my eyes and took a deep breath, and it was a long time before I could tell her in a slightly calmer voice that I wasn't here for this. She asked me, is there something else going on? I said, 'No. I took my leave.

"It was March 20th, and you know what happened at our S University that night. Our Chinese men's volleyball team defeated the South Korean team in the World Cup qualifier final, and the campus was full of jubilation. The students cheered, banging on the pots and bowls, and they didn't finish their hearts if they didn't break it. The sound of a 'bang' thermos popping came and went. Thousands of people rushed out of the dormitory building, lit torches, played the "March of the Volunteers" with a trumpet, shouted 'unite and revitalize China', marched around Pomegranate Lake, and celebrated all night... Walking in this team, I shed tears. I suddenly found that so many students were strugglers in the past and are still strugglers, and many of them may have struggled in the past because of resistance to injustice, but now, they have found a new fulcrum of struggle in the torrent of rejuvenating China. How good, here, how many generous and sad people, elites for the country and the people... And Shen Ping, what is she doing? Will she be thrilled by all this? Will it? I remembered that on the day of Arbor Day, when the whole department went to the mountains on the outskirts of Beijing to plant trees, she and I happened to be sitting in a big car. The car drove along the dry riverbed into the mountains, and occasionally you could see a few small houses made of stones on the hillside, and a few children herding sheep. Suddenly, she said with emotion: 'The fate of man is so elusive. You say, if you are born in this barren mountain and wilderness, how miserable it will be to live a lifetime. I gave her a fat look and said, 'You're glad you are, aren't you?' She nodded slightly, and said to herself, "Of course, if it weren't for today, maybe there wouldn't be any pain." But now that I think about it, I'm really scared. She was telling the truth. She couldn't look back. She was full of happiness to get out of the whirlpool of fate and enter a new life and a new world. She never wanted to think about what else she should have to do with this barren mountain, lonely village, and sheep herding baby. Probably, there will be things in life that stir up her grievances and encourage her to struggle, but it will never be these, never. What could it be? It could be just a roll of the eyes, it could just be a cold reception... Alas, strivers, not necessarily so great, not really, are they?

"I wrote her a long letter of ten pages overnight. I asked her if she felt the danger of being swept away by the turbidity of life. The world is bustling, all for profit. The world is crowded, all for profit. There is a lot of immersion in society. What a pathetic turbidity. I told my worries that she would ruin herself in the glitz of memorizing the 'Dictionary of Celebrities' and making friends with celebrities... Of course, I was very emotional. I confided in her the emotions that gradually sprouted from the bottom of my heart after the 'Red Star' wheel met that year, and I confessed that it was love. I said that it was that indelible love that prompted me to pour out my worries and hopes to her.

“...... It's irrational to do this. I later heard that by this time she already had a boyfriend, a student at Tsinghua University, and the son of a scholar (with all due respect). And in her eyes, I am just a very mediocre person. What's more, I've said so many things that don't like it, and a fool wouldn't write such a love letter.

"Later, when we met occasionally, we would nod to each other and say a simple hello, but I heard from other classmates that she came to my conclusion that she was jealous, hypocritical, and pretending to be amorous..."

Qin Jiang raised his hands to his chest, overlapped his ten fingers and pressed them, and the bone joints made a "click" sound. He didn't say any more, his face was ugly. Under the mercury lamp, our figure is still short, long and long.

"That's it?"

"Well, I guess it's over." After a pause, he added, "But it doesn't seem to be over again." Otherwise, why should I meddle in my own affairs and bring pain on myself? ”

***

In front of you are steps leading to the turnstiles of the hotel. We climb the ladder. Inside, the spacious reception hall was empty. We sat down on a couch.

"Last Saturday night, on the trolleybus, it was as if you were calling me. I ignored you, did I? ”

I nodded and smiled.

"That's because of that. I'm irritable. ”

I said, "I can see that you have something on your mind." ”

"I went to the Capital Theater to see a play. I met a friend there, oh, a friend who had been in 'Lao Mo' and 'Kangle' in the past. His father was engaged in foreign affairs. ”

"Does he have anything to do with Shen Ping?"

"Nope. He was out of town and came to Beijing on a business trip. But in the midst of the chatter, I was surprised to hear that his sister, a girl I had known in the past, was in love, and that the man's father was a certain scholar. I was taken aback and asked, it turned out that the man was Shen Ping's boyfriend. ”

"Really?!"

I was also surprised at the time, and cautiously asked him if he knew about the man and Shen Ping. He said dismissively: 'How could I not know!' One of your S-big Sichuan girls is pestering him. He told my sister that she was so tired of her! I wonder if this kid is not at ease, playing tricks on others... Hi, of course he chases my sister. He wants to go abroad! He had a couple of letters of recommendation from professors and wanted to get a scholarship at MIT, and he told my old man to walk through the door and urge me to do something, and I didn't listen. A chill ran down my spine. I only think about Shen Ping. It's turbidity again! The turbidity current of society! The turbidity of life! And Shen Ping is nothing in the middle! A little grass that floats and sinks with the waves. Sadly, she doesn't know that. Yes, she didn't know. In the past two days, didn't she proudly say that her boyfriend was going abroad. Alas, she was once again triumphant, and once again ready to hang up her flower turban. But she didn't think about it, the ship with the flower turban was rushing to the reef...

"On the train back to school, I didn't even bother to say anything about buying a ticket, and of course I wasn't interested in answering your greetings. I just asked myself over and over again: Tell her uh? Tell her? Tell her, can she believe it? Won't she say again that you are jealous and provocative? Besides, the friend I met by chance in the theater, how credible is his words! Dummy up? This pain is not only in the conscience, but also in the depths of the more secret feelings! It was only then that I discovered that love, especially the love of the first love, 'the wildfire burns inexhaustibly, and the spring breeze blows and grows again.' 'Even though I have received such a reward, deep down in my heart I still think back to the morning mist, the distant village, the open river, the fluttering turban... And even more so now! In the present!

"Back in the dormitory, the lights were out. Silently lay down on the bed. Several people in the same room were chattering about the characters. So-and-so has a girlfriend, is a 'Baochai'-style character, 'I was born an innocent woman, and I actually entered the flow of national thieves and ghosts', who is 'making friends and traveling' has a way, and is carrying out the 'secret diplomacy' of studying abroad... I'm bored. Turbidity, turbidity currents that spread everywhere. A fire rose up, and I roared: 'Forget it! Go to sleep! It scared them dumb. As for me, I didn't sleep all night.

"When I woke up early in the morning, I decided to tell her everything. It's okay to be suspicious or scolded, anyway, I do my part.

"At breakfast, I saw her. She was at that table. I walked over with the bowl and sat down next to her. She was surprised and nodded to me in confusion. I silently ate a few bites of bread and said, 'Shen Ping, you... How are you doing? '-God! What is this called, even I suspect that there is some 'bad intentions' in it. 'It's been good. She glanced at me with suspicion and challenge in her eyes. I said, "I heard, he... You guys, going to study abroad? She said: 'No.' To go through "Tov", you have to wait for a passport. Let's go another month. She's a lot more sophisticated. Pride and pride are all hidden in the carelessness. 'Tov', 'Passport'... You know? The most fashionable term, the more casual it is, the more fashionable it is. What more can I say? I know that everything I have to say will surely attract something. I hesitated, my tongue curling.

"It seems that I can only take the stupidest action. It's ridiculous to think about it now, but thankfully it didn't happen. That may be the accidental reappearance of the temperament of a cadre's child who has disappeared from me for many years. At that time, I asked for the address of her boyfriend. I decided to talk to him and ask him if he was really playing this girl from a small town. In that case, I'm going to teach him a lesson unceremoniously until he admits his mistake... How romantic, chivalrous! Somehow, the idea came to me. A few days later, one evening, I went.

"He's not at home. His mom said he was busy. I have already received my passport, and I will fly to the Americas the day after tomorrow. This news makes me believe that Shen Ping's tragedy is not far off - he is going to leave so soon, it seems that Shen Ping does not know wow.

"I lingered at the door for a moment and had to leave his house. Walking out of the door, I suddenly saw Shen Ping and a young man coming hand in hand from afar. I flashed to the side. She wore a fashionable silver-gray silk shirt with a ribbon around her waist, which set off her slender figure. The belt knot near her crotch jumped as she walked, fluttering and generous, and there was no trace of a provincial girl. She must think of herself as happy, happy today and happy tomorrow. She would never have thought of what was waiting in front of her! And I, with all I could do, follow her into the door of the Hessian building.

"It was dark, and the buildings were crackling and lit up with lights. A few drops of rain fell down and hit the body. I didn't leave, wandering on the road in front of the building.

"On the third floor, in the easternmost window, two huge figures were reflected in the milky white curtains. That's what they are. Perhaps, now is the time for him to have a showdown with her. After a while, Shen Ping would rush downstairs in tears and stumble into the light rain. It's so late, and it would be useful for me to stay here. At the very least, I'm going to follow her from a distance, get on the bus back to school with her, and then follow her far behind and watch her walk into the girls' dormitory... But how scared I was to see her run out. Oh no, let's run out...

"It's ten o'clock, and the figure on the curtain is still moving. A figure—that's her, she's combing her hair. I stared intently. This gesture is familiar to me. Three years ago, on the ship 'Red Star 215', the dawn opened and the ship passed the Goddess Peak. She stood on the side of the ship, looking up at the peak. The river breeze blew her hair, and she also held a comb in her right hand. That slim posture made me stare at the door of the computer room for a long time. But now... Suddenly, my heart tightened and pounded again, for I saw the light in that window go out. 'Papa', I stepped on the dazzling water hole on the road, rushed to the easternmost door in a few steps, and ran upstairs with a tom...

"I'm still sane. I stopped when I ran to the second floor. I asked myself, 'What are you going to do?' I stepped downstairs, walked out of the door, closed my eyes, turned my face up and let the rain drip for a while, and then, walking slowly along the road of Ban Bar in the dim light of the street lamp. After walking a few dozen steps, I came back again, silently staring at the swarthy window. I felt sad. For Shen Ping, for her mother, and for myself. I hope what I heard at the Capital Theater was all nonsense, lies, and nonsense! I hope so. However, even so, is Shen Ping happy? A year from now, two years from now, will she feel happy forever... I thought again, maybe Shen Ping is finished, and she has sacrificed for her shallowness on the road of life. Perhaps, thankfully, it brought her back to us and rethink her life... If that happens, I'll keep everything I saw tonight in my heart forever, forever. If possible, I will still say to her that I still love her..."

Qin Jiang didn't talk anymore, leaned his head back on the back of the sofa, and closed his eyes, as if trying to calm the waves of emotion. He took another deep puff of his cigarette and blew it towards the smoke that swirled in front of him. As a result, more smoke drifts around us.

"What happened to Shen Ping later?"

"I don't know. This happened only the day before yesterday. ”

I sighed heavily.

He glanced at me and brushed away the smoke in front of him with his hand: "What are you sighing for?" I'm not saying that this is some kind of tragedy of life's journey, which can only keep us awake, think, and determined. ”

"That's right." I nodded, "... But you haven't told me yet, what does this have to do with you not seeing your father? ”

"Oh," he smiled, "I almost forgot." After a pause, he said, "Perhaps, first of all, because I am not in this mood anymore." Wearing the school emblem of S University and holding the award certificate, ---- proud to suddenly appear in front of my father? Proud. But it seems to be quite boring. I remembered the flower turban on the 'Red Star 215'. There is still a long way to go in life, and I am ashamed of the smug scene I designed. Secondly, I don't know if you have a hunch, once people know who Qin Jiang is, they will give me special favors, and many old friends will pull me to be a frequent visitor to 'Lao Mo' and 'Recreation'. I don't know if I've got the stamina to endure this. Seriously, it's all thanks to Shen Ping. She made me think about many questions---- about strivers. It's about life. ”

"Then you're never going to see your father?" Maybe it's a habit of my profession, but I feel a little sorry to lose this dramatic scene.

Qin Jiang smiled again: "Why are you too stubborn. When I'm in a better mood, I can go home and see him at any time. It doesn't mean much to you, though. It was just a son coming home to see his father, and it wasn't newsworthy. ”

While we were waiting for the elevator together, I asked him, "Why don't you write about this as a piece?" I think there's a lot of meaning in that. ”

"How to write? They are all classmates, and they are all still in school. Isn't it a hassle to write it out! He shook his head, suddenly looked at me, smiled and said, "You are interested, you write." ”

I said, "Really? ”

"Who writes differently! I didn't register a 'patent'. He pondered for a moment, and then said, "Besides, what I want to say to Shen Ping may only be expressed in this way." And that's only right for you..."

Oh, I understood what he meant.

So, according to what he said, I just changed the names of people and places, and wrote this report on the novel.