It's an inevitable part of growing up that everyone faces setbacks and failures. Setbacks teach us resilience, and failure builds perseverance. Between parents and children, the way frustration is handled is crucial. One day, I took my second treasure to a table tennis tournament outside of school. We've fought two times, both of which ended in failure. His expression gradually became serious, but he quickly threw himself into the third game. I was on the sidelines, trying to cheer him on. Whenever he scored, I would cheer loudly: "Good shot!" But when he lost points, I encouraged him: "It's okay, come on!" However, at halftime, he suddenly became angry at me on the sidelines: "It's all you who shouted, it's all your fault if I don't play well, don't shout!" I got angry and responded to him, "Did I do something wrong?" I'm leaving! "I left the sidelines in a rage and went to the lounge area to cool down.
After the third game, Erbao walked to the rest area and sat next to me. I said to him lightly, "I know you're frustrated and angry about losing!" But I'm being scolded by you very badly, so I need to calm down here just now. He replied in a low voice, "It's me!" I then asked, "Can I hug you?" He nodded, and we hugged each other. Then I said, "Thank you for coming and talking to me and letting me know what's wrong with your anger." Are you still willing to play when you are still a little frustrated and frustrated? But just to keep you from stressing, I'm going to sit here and wait for you to finish playing. ”
However, a couple standing next to us overheard our conversation, and they enthusiastically said to Erbao, "It's normal to lose!" Practice hard and play the ball well! Their encouragement is well-intentioned, but it reflects the encouraging slogans we often heard growing up, such as "failure is the mother of success" and "victory is not arrogant, defeat is not discouraged". These slogans teach us to be resilient in the face of setbacks and to keep going. However, the importance of frustration adaptation is rarely mentioned.
As a counselor and a mother, I am convinced that frustration adjustment is one of the most valuable gifts of growing up. It teaches children to face setbacks, understand the emotions of failure, develop the ability to regulate emotions, and learn to be autonomous. Not only does this help your child's mental health, but it also sets them up for future success. Below, I will share a "stop, watch, listen" method to help children develop frustration resilience.
"Stop" means that in the face of a child's frustration, parents first need to stop. This means not rushing to solve problems, not overprotective, and not associating your child's failures with their own worth. The process of stopping involves observing your emotions and reactions, reflecting on your expectations and rules, and examining your own energy state. This step can be the hardest, because the nature of motherhood makes us want to solve the child's problem immediately, but in the face of setbacks, the child needs understanding and support, not solutions.
"Looking" is the way to observe the child's frustration adjustment. Different children will respond to frustration in different ways, such as pleaser, blame, hyper-intellectual, interrupted, or consistent. Understanding your child's adjustment style can help you better understand their emotional needs. Through observation, parents can discern how their children express emotions and how they can protect their self-esteem and avoid greater distress.
"Listening" is to listen to the child's mood and needs. In this step, parents should listen attentively to their children's emotional expressions, and feel whatever they say with their "ears", "eyes", and "hearts". By listening, parents can convey understanding and support for their children so that they feel heard and loved. Parents can use simple emotional responses such as "I heard (saw) ... I guess you're in a good mood...", to express your understanding and acceptance.
Frustration adjustment is not only an important skill to help children cope with failure, but also an opportunity to build trust and closeness in the parent-child relationship. Through the "Stop, Look, Listen" approach, parents can help their children learn to self-adjust, understand that failure is part of success, develop emotional management skills, and build stronger psychological resilience to stress. This process not only helps your child's development, but also lays a solid foundation for their future success.
Although it is the instinct of parents to protect their children, letting go and listening are the most precious gifts in the face of setbacks. We're not perfect parents, but we're good enough, loving enough, and understanding enough. Frustration resilience is a valuable asset for children as they grow up, and with the support and understanding of their parents, they can better cope with life's setbacks, develop excellent emotional regulation skills, and prepare for future challenges.