Want your child to have a happy childhood and be really good? "Four Musts, Four Don'ts" that parents must learn

Text | He Rihui

Publish | Sunny day psychology

The day before yesterday (10 October) is World Mental Health Day, and this year's theme is "Promoting Children's Mental Health for a Better Future Together".

Now that society is seriously involuted, a large number of parents are irrationally "chicken dolls", and many children's childhood is not necessarily happy, but may be stressful, tense and tiring. This has led to an increasing number of children experiencing psychosocial problems.

According to the "Children's Blue Book: Report on China's Child Development (2021)" released by the China Children's Center, parents' incorrect education methods, heavy academic pressure, competitive pressure for further education, school bullying, and complex and changeable online environment have brought different degrees of tension, stimulation and psychological pressure to adolescents.

Non-suicidal self-injury and suicidal behavior are common among adolescents, and adolescents' mental health is facing increasing challenges.

Although adolescents generally refer to middle school students, the above part of the adolescents, their mental and psychological problems appeared as early as childhood, but they have not been paid attention to, and they have become more prominent after entering middle school.

For this, clinical psychiatrists have a more intuitive experience.

According to surging news reports, Beijing Anding Hospital is the second hospital in the country to set up a child psychiatric department, this department has a total of more than a dozen doctors, but there is still a shortage of manpower, many parents who cannot hang up the pediatric number will even help their children hang up in the adult department.

Liang Yuezhu, chief physician of this department, said that the youngest patient with suicidal thoughts he has ever seen is 6 years old, and he often chants at home that "it's not interesting to live, don't cause trouble to mom and dad." Children's mental health problems cannot be ignored!

Although there are many factors that affect children's mental psychology, from the perspective of precision psychopsychology, the most important thing is the parent's family education method and three views.

If parents want their children to grow up physically and mentally healthy, achieve true happiness, and even stand out in social competition, it is best to consciously do the following "four musts, four don'ts".

01. Avoid doing these 4 things to prevent children from having mental and psychological problems

In children's infancy and childhood, parents should try to avoid doing the following 4 things, otherwise it is likely to bury the root of mental and psychological disorders.

First, parents should not think that their children are small and insensible, so they adopt simple and rough education methods.

Many parents feel that their children are still young, not only do they not understand things, but they will forget a lot of what happened at that time. This is often the "life experience" of parents: most adults do not remember things from childhood, and some unhappy experiences are not sad even if they think about it.

But in fact, an individual's experience in childhood and childhood still has a great influence on them when they grow up. Many adults' behavior, personality traits, and habits are rooted in their early childhood and childhood experiences, but they are not aware of them. From this point of view, the "life experience" of this part of parents is actually unscientific.

When we conducted deep psychological intervention on a large number of adolescent patients, we found that under deep hypnosis, they were often able to recall psychological traumatic events in childhood, even before the age of 3, and the negative impact of these events on them, and the earliest superimposed psychological traumatic event that a patient can remember, even when she was born before the full moon!

That is to say, the formation of pathological memories in childhood and childhood, although they may have been forgotten at the explicit memory level, they usually can't remember, but in fact, they are still stored at the level of implicit memory, which always affects their mental and psychological state, which is an important cause of mental and psychological problems.

Therefore, from the time the child lands on the ground, parents should pay attention to adopting a truly scientific and intelligent family education method, pay attention to their words and deeds, avoid quarreling in front of the child, avoid physical violence or verbal violence against the child, and pay attention to the psychological needs of the child.

Second, when the child achieves certain achievements, parents should avoid excessive praise, and also try to avoid excessive praise of the child by the elderly at home.

For example, high-hat-style praise such as "you are the best", "you will definitely be able to become a senior official in the future", "you are the material of Tsinghua University and Peking University", "you are so smart, others are not as good as you" should be avoided.

Otherwise, it is easy for the child to form a pathological positive emotional experience, gradually become too high self-esteem, narcissistic and arrogant. To put it in layman's terms, children will be proud, will "float", and are accustomed to the praise of others, do not listen to criticism, especially competitive, and do not allow others to surpass themselves.

If this excessive praise occurs repeatedly, when the child is doing well, there is a risk that he or she will have a manic/hypomanic episode, feel that he is special, unsightly, and act recklessly.

However, because they overestimate their abilities and underestimate the difficulties of reality, when they encounter setbacks, the psychological blow is very large, and they are likely to fall into a major depressive episode.

Hypomanic/manic episodes alternate with major depressive episodes, typical of bipolar disorder. The patient we have treated, Wei Tao, is a typical example.

Even if some children have always been excellent, admitted to prestigious schools, achieved certain results in their careers, and have no obvious emotional symptoms, they are likely to attribute their achievements to themselves, think that they are smart, excellent, and capable, but seriously lack self-reflection ability, lack gratitude to society and those who have helped them, and become "exquisite egoists".

Many parents now realize that they cannot always deny their children, but adopt "encouragement" education, hoping to help their children improve their self-confidence. This starting point is good, but we need to distinguish what is truly scientific encouragement that can inspire children's confidence and will.

If parents always praise their children for being smart, talented, and good-looking, it may be counterproductive, and children are prone to live in an illusory world composed of sweet words, unable to see the truth of their own situation, ability and society.

If parents want to encourage their children, they should give timely and concrete affirmation of the specific progress their children have made. For example, after the child has practiced and worked hard, thought positively, and found the scientific method, some things are done better; Another example is that children bravely accept criticism, correct their shortcomings, and become more modest and powerful people.

In this truly beneficial affirmation, the child will slowly build self-confidence, but will not be proud and willing to persevere in the effort.

Third, parents should avoid children from being subjected to adverse "sexual stimulation", otherwise it may increase the risk of sexual psychological disorders.

In life, we often see this kind of news, where mothers take boys into women's bathrooms and women's locker rooms, causing dissatisfaction among other women. Some fathers take their young daughters out and cannot find a family bathroom, so they have to take their daughters to the men's bathroom.

Whether these behaviors are unconscious or helpless, there are actually risks. Young children, the scenes seen and the events experienced by children in the private places of the opposite sex may increase their risk of sexual psychological disorders.

Today's children are generally precocious and become gender-conscious around the age of 2 or 3. At this time, parents should guide them to realize that "men and women are different", to protect their private parts, and not to invade or peep into the private parts of the opposite sex.

Also, some Japanese anime, games, and books are likely to contain pornographic elements, and parents should prevent their children from coming into contact with such games and works.

Fourth, parents should not always break their promises to their children, which may make children think that they have been abandoned and have borderline personality abnormalities.

Many parents are busy with work, neglect their children, and sometimes in order for their children to be obedient, they casually make promises to their children, "Mom and Dad take you to the amusement park on weekends", "When the summer vacation is over, Mom and Dad take you to travel" and so on, but finally prevaricate the child with other reasons, and the child looks forward to loneliness.

If this kind of thing happens repeatedly, it is easy for the child to have the illusion that I have been abandoned by my parents again, that my parents do not love me at all, and that perhaps I do not deserve to be loved at all.

If it is a daughter, the father always lacks love and high-quality companionship for them, they grow up in love prone to gain and loss, extreme fear of abandonment, and even the possibility of "love brain" problems, irrational in emotions, even if they encounter "scumbags" can not stop in time, constantly hurt.

A generation of divas, Li Min has a successful career, but in marriage, she is likely to have serious "love brain" problems, marriage difficulties and other factors have caused her to be tortured by negative emotions for a long time, suffer from severe depression, and commit suicide in July this year, which is regrettable.

02. When parents do these 4 points, it is easier for children to achieve real success

Parents avoiding the above 4 wrong practices can greatly reduce the risk of mental and psychological problems in their children. But if you want to guide your children to become better and more valuable to society, parents should consciously do the following 4 points in family education.

First, in the process of children's growth, as long as they do not touch the principles and bottom lines, parents should allow their children to make mistakes and let their children grow up in making mistakes.

In the process of gradually growing up and accepting socialization, children will definitely make mistakes and suffer some bad consequences when they make mistakes. Although children will be sad and suffering, parents may also suffer some losses or need to come forward. But as long as these losses are relatively bearable and parents can cover the bottom, then parents must allow their children to make their own decisions.

If the child turns out to be wrong, the child will naturally be impressed and will learn from the mistake. Many times, for the psychological growth of children, "trial and error" is more effective than parents' preaching and nagging.

If parents do better, they can also empathize, listen, and actively guide their children in time, understand their children's depressed mood, and then guide their children to realize that in this mistake, they have exposed their shortcomings, how to find ways to improve, especially how to have the thinking and ability to turn bad things into good things, so that they can quickly improve in setbacks!

Therefore, parents should not always subconsciously make decisions for their children, let alone force their children to obey their parents, but set up a bottom line according to the specific situation, see what possibilities are above the bottom line, analyze the pros and cons of different possibilities with their children, and finally let their children make choices.

Moreover, many parents do not understand this information: the prefrontal cortex of the human brain is responsible for providing reasonable judgment and controlling impulses, and every time a child thinks and makes a decision independently, it is equivalent to allowing this brain region to get a workout.

If children can think and make choices more independently, their prefrontal cortex is more likely to be more developed, self-control and self-discipline are often stronger, and they are more able to control their lives.

There is a saying in the baby raising circle, "lazy parents are lazy and mothers are diligent in their children", parents are "lazy", and children become diligent. This sentence is certainly not absolute, nor is it for parents to really put rot, lie flat, and ignore their children. But if parents can consciously let go appropriately, coupled with scientific guidance, children are indeed more likely to be more self-disciplined.

Moreover, if the child makes a mistake, the parents cannot blindly defend the child and "wipe the ass" for them. If children do not have to bear punishment or responsibility for making mistakes for a long time, they will be more presumptuous and run into disaster.

Just like Li Shuangjiang and Mengge, their doting on their son Li Guanfeng (original name: Li Tianyi) made Li Guanfeng lawless, and he was eventually sentenced to ten years for rape.

There is also the latest development of the "Arctic Catfish" that caused heated discussions yesterday. The "Arctic Catfish" is flying and domineering, showing off wealth and corruption, humiliating the country and humiliating the people, distorting three views, and has no sense and ability of self-reflection, which also stems from the extremely wrong family education methods of his grandfather and parents. Her outrageous behavior eventually led to the family's own consequences.

Therefore, in addition to respecting children's decisions, parents should also guide children to learn to take responsibility for their mistakes, help children develop a good character with responsibility, and be more charismatic in life and work in the future.

Second, whether good or bad happens, parents need to guide their children to comprehensive attribution.

For example, children and teachers, partners, including family members have conflicts and conflicts, parents should empathize and understand the child, but after figuring out the reason, parents should also guide the child to find and reflect on their own shortcomings, can not blame the outside world and others, this irrational external attribution model is easy to make the child have personality abnormalities.

Even if the child is bullied outside and bullied in school, the main fault lies with the other party, of course, parents must protect their children in time and seek justice for their children. But after the incident has subsided, parents still have to guide their children to reflect on their own shortcomings. Parents themselves should also lead by example and reflect on themselves: Why is it my child who is being bullied, which reflects the shortcomings of my homeschooling method?

And when the child gets some grades and encounters some good things, the child will of course be very happy, and it is likely to receive excessive praise from teachers, the elderly, classmates or other parents.

Parents can congratulate and concretize affirmations to their children, but they should also guide them to see the other factors behind these good things in time. For example, the help of teachers and classmates, the right time and place, luck and other objective factors, let the child realize that he cannot attribute all the credit to himself, let alone think too much of himself.

Every thing happens, we must see the own factors and objective factors behind it, the combination of internal attribution and external attribution. This more scientific and comprehensive attribution allows us to move forward calmly and humbly.

Third, parents should guide their children to shape a state of efficient learning, which can not only benefit children for life, but also allow children to have more time to do what they are interested in, combine work and rest, and release pressure in time.

If there is no scientific guidance, children are prone to learning disabilities, mainly manifested as inattention in class, procrastination in homework, etc., children's learning efficiency is very low, and academic performance is not ideal.

Although academic performance is not the most important thing, parents cannot demand that their children must be excellent. However, if under the premise of children's mental and physical health, parents can help children shape an efficient learning state, children can gain a sense of achievement and fun in learning, and obtain relatively excellent results, then children will have relatively greater life choices in the future.

No matter what work the child does in the future, if you want to stand out, you can't do without continuous learning and improvement, and an efficient learning state can benefit the child for life.

In addition to an in-depth analysis of the formation and mitigation of learning disabilities, we also share ways to shape an effective learning state, which interested parents can learn about.

Fourth, parents should guide their children to establish lofty life goals, have the awareness and ability to think about time, and do not blindly compare with others and limit themselves to the present.

Many people have been mediocre and have not achieved certain results, which is not necessarily because they are incompetent, but often because they lack lofty goals in life.

Many people have excellent abilities and look strong, but in fact, they always compare themselves with others, their hearts are depressed, and once they find that they can't surpass others, it is easy to have a mental breakdown.

Therefore, if parents want their children to achieve greater life value, it is indispensable to consciously guide them to find and set ambitious goals in the process of their children's growth. Moreover, parents should guide their children, we are working for the goal, not to compare others.

On the way to the goal, we only need to compare ourselves with ourselves, as long as we find ourselves a little closer to the goal, and a little bit of progress, we must learn to affirm ourselves.

If we want to compare with others, it should also be to compare our own and others' efforts, why is his efficiency so high? What method did he use? In contrast, what are the shortcomings of my approach and how can I improve it? This comparison is more meaningful, rather than simply comparing current achievements.

Moreover, a positive and correct life goal can make children have stronger self-drive and self-discipline, and it is easier to have time thinking, standing on the length and height of a life to view the difficulties and setbacks encountered in front of them.

For example, the child suffered from school bullying, although he was angry at first, and even tried his best to get revenge. But when thinking about your life goals, it is easier to return to rationality, quickly realize the change of thinking, realize that it is more important to learn and improve yourself at this stage, but do not entangle too much, and even actively transform the humiliation of bullying into motivation to struggle.

Finally, I hope that parents can also have a time mindset to look at their children's growth. Many parents are worried that their children will lose at the starting line, blindly "chicken dolls", arrange a variety of tutoring classes and interest classes for their children, piano, painting, dance, English, mental arithmetic... It is fully packed 7 days a week.

Such children are likely to be very good at the beginning, even far ahead of their peers, but it is also possible that the psychological pressure is too great, learning for the sake of parents, not for themselves, resulting in insufficient stamina, slowly falling behind, and even becoming tired of school and resisting parents.

Life is a long-distance run, in the childhood, parents rather than "chicken dolls", it is better to master the real scientific family education method, consciously cultivate children's interest in learning, high adverse quotient and strong will, etc. On this topic, we will have the opportunity to write an article to explain it in depth.