-01-
Fun love is the same
Interesting marriages are one in a million
There is a saying that everyone often says: marriage is the grave of love.
But no, when they were in love, the two went to climb the mountain today, visited the park tomorrow, sat in a café and could talk about flowers, and they couldn't wait to travel for three days of small vacation.
But when you get married, each has its own entertainment and work, and when you get home, you basically have to entertain yourself with your mobile phone, not to mention laughter, and there are a lot less words.
Some people may say, shouldn't the old husband and wife be like this, how can there be so many years of burning passion.
Not really.
When watching the interview with a psychological counselor a while ago "I Just Want to Live Well with You", the famous psychotherapist Lin Kunhui had a point that impressed me particularly deeply: marriage is to find a playmate for life.
In the past, we emphasized "love" too much in our relationship: you love me, I love you, we have to love forever.
But "love" is too abstract after all, instead of entangled in the pain of how much love there is still in the relationship, it is better to pursue a marriage that can play together.
A good marriage is more satisfactory, this is not a subjective imagination.
Professor Howard Markman of the Center for Marriage and Family Studies at the University of Denver conducted a 15-year study on marriage relationships, tracking 306 couples, including their daily time together, common interests, frequency of fights, and marital status.
It was found that the relationship between play and marital happiness was significant and close. The more time a couple spends together to have fun, the happier the marriage will be.
What is it like for a couple to play together?
My friend Ryoko and her husband are prime examples.
On weekdays, they would get up early every day to go to morning exercise, jogging, playing badminton, kicking shuttles, and various events. After work in the evening, we petted the cat together again. The two are also outdoor enthusiasts and often go hiking and camping on weekends.
I said, why don't you all work together, won't you be annoyed?
Ryoko said: Since some things need to be played with, why do you want to seek the near and far? We are both husband and wife, but also very good friends, and if we have fun together, we will not be bored.
Lin Kunhui said that at the beginning of every marriage, there is actually an agreement: we said okay, we want to play together for a lifetime, I will play with you for a lifetime, and you will play with me for the rest of your life.
-02-
Why can't two people play together after marriage?
There are not many couples who can play together.
What we hear more often is that couples who were originally in love are overwhelmed by the triviality of firewood, rice, oil and salt after marriage, and are disappointed in their partner and marriage.
This phenomenon is also known as marital burnout.
Lin Kunhui said that the essence of marriage burnout is that he feels that the other party is not fun, and it is becoming more and more uninteresting to be with him.
My cousin and sister-in-law are going through this process.
When they first got married, the two were called a model couple by relatives and friends, and by starting a business together, they solved their financial problems at a young age. But after 5 years of marriage, their relationship became more and more discordant.
When they first got married, they also agreed to travel abroad every month, bake together, and develop hobbies together. But since the birth of the child, the focus of family life has changed, and there has been less and less entertainment and in-depth communication together.
Because my cousin was busy with work and sometimes came home very late, my cousin even asked if she could sleep in separate rooms, for fear that he would affect the child's rest.
We often say a family of three, but in Lin Kunhui's view, many families should be called "2+1" is more appropriate.
Many women, after marriage and children become a community of life, they become a group, get along every day and night, play together. First the mother played with the child, and then the child played with the mother. If Dad can't join in, he can only play with others after being left out.
There are also couples who, even if they do not have children, cannot play together because they dislike each other's habits and circles.
Xiaomei's life is like this, she likes to bake and pour coffee by hand; My husband likes beer barbecue and playing mahjong.
Sometimes, Xiaomei made a very beautiful cake to display in the circle of friends, but her husband told her: What do you show, you don't make money.
And when her husband will ask her to play mahjong with friends, Xiaomei will also refuse: low-level boring, it is better to read more books if you have this leisure work.
In fact, Xiaomei will also accompany her husband to play two rounds of mahjong, and her husband will also accompany Xiaomei to travel.
But after marriage, the two people pay more attention to their own happiness, rather than accompanying the other half to be happy. It is precisely because of this that it is difficult for two people to play again, and when they don't play well, cracks appear in the marriage.
Some people may think that if they can't play together, then they should play their own. You go to KTV with your friends, and I go to beauty with my sisters; You drink and socialize, I go shopping and play cards, don't interfere with each other, isn't it good?
If it's really good, what is the reason for getting married? Is it affordable, or is it the right age to get married?
It has been said that living with people who can't play together is about to be done. After solving the problem of food and clothing, people will inevitably pursue a higher level of spiritual satisfaction. And two people have empathy, and being able to play together is a kind of spiritual satisfaction.
Emotional expert Bai Fubao said: Marriage is sometimes like a one-legged person, in order to walk to find another leg. When the two got together, they thought they had two legs and could walk like able-bodied people, and it seemed that all problems were solved. However, it is often overlooked that they are an independent person. After finding the other leg, many people stay in place and stop walking.
But when the passion is gone, the laughter is gone, how long can the marriage last?
-03-
How can I play together?
After staying in a burnout relationship for a long time, some people will have thoughts of divorce.
But won't the next marriage be burnout?
So, how should we regain the warmth of the past?
Most couples waste time on unnecessary arguments about whether you love me or not, why not reply to my messages, while some couples spend time on cultivating common interests.
When her friend Shanshan felt that her life with her husband was becoming less and less sparkling, she decided to drive to Moganshan with the two of them to camp to watch the sunrise.
On the way there, the two took turns driving. After arriving at the destination, they set up a tent together and made a fire to cook. Although they had an unpleasant quarrel before, as night fell, as they lay together on the grass and looked at the stars, the husband felt that Shanshan was still the wife he loved.
Before sunrise, her husband couldn't wait to tell Shanshan that we would often go out camping together instead of playing separately.
Of course, couples can also contact new things together.
Married life is not just about firewood, rice, oil and salt, but also about expanding and exploring new areas and learning new skills together.
Tired of city life, his friend Hu Jun went to Dali to rent a yard and wanted to transform it into a garden inn. In addition to drawing designs, her husband also accompanies her to build bricks and tiles.
In order to make the garden more flavorful, they also went together to learn from experienced gardeners.
In addition to planting flowers, Hu Jun is also learning guitar. The song that I just learned was always the first to play to my husband. The husband will quietly take a small video to send to the circle of friends: Our eldest girl can debut soon.
Although it is only a short video, Hu Jun can feel her husband's support and affirmation.
Sometimes love is very illusory, but the person who can always play with you must love you very much.
Those partners who have a good relationship will not become boring because they are in love; Not to mention losing yourself because you are married.
For couples who plan to start playing again, Lin Kunhui also has advice.
The first is to, first turn yourself into a fun and interesting person. For example, the wife can play with beauty and care, the husband can play fitness and outdoors, and when you feel that you have become able to play on your own and have fun, you can move on to the second step - play with your partner.
If you and your child were originally a play group, try to bring your child and partner to play, bedtime stories, and preparing weekend dinners, these are all things that can be done together, in short, turning "2+1" into 3.
If you don't have children yet, find your other half to play with when you think you're fun, tease him, and make him feel: My partner is a very fun person, and I want to continue to play with him.
Two interesting souls collide to discover fun things and take care of each other's interests and hobbies in order to grow together and participate in the relationship.
We can't trap the relationship in a rigid pattern because of the epiglottis over time, but we have to join the other person's camp and discover the interesting things in his life with the other person.
For example, if your husband likes sports, you can exercise with him; The wife loves to take pictures, you can bring a camera and take pictures of her most beautiful and cutest side. Then the two of them retouched the picture together and showed affection.
When two people play longer, the more "happiness hormones" are secreted in the brain, which can relieve tension, reduce fear, and give people a sense of security and lasting happiness.
"Marriage Pope" John Gottman once said: A good marriage is to fall in love with each other again and again.
If you really want to go to the end with the person you love, try to be the other person's best playmate.
Lin Kunhui said that marriage is not a lifetime of blackmail, but a lifetime commitment. I promise to always play with you and make you feel fun. Because I love you, I want to become a funny person, and I want you to become more and more funny.
May you all have fun and have fun together. #中国式爱情#