What would you do if you came home from work and saw your child cooking a table for you?
Is it joy, emotion, or pride?
Is it to reward your child with a big hug, or to give him a thumbs up?
The practice of a mother in Nanchang, Jiangxi Province, has aroused heated discussions.
The 14-year-old daughter worked hard to make three dishes and one soup, waiting to be praised with joy.
But as soon as my mother entered the door, she began to accuse:
"Am I going to praise you? So many dishes at noon, how do we both eat? ”
A 14-year-old girl, because she was sympathetic to her mother's hard work, began to work early in the morning, and wanted her mother to eat a ready-made meal.
But his own heart and labor, not only did not get his mother's praise, but was accused of waste.
The girl's eyes were red and her face was full of grievances.
After the mother trained her daughter, she was not relieved, and posted the video on the Internet, bluntly saying that her daughter used two or three days of dishes for a meal.
Netizens condemned the mother's approach as too unpleasant and suffocating.
Unexpectedly, the mother not only did not reflect, but the next day aggressively asked her daughter:
"I said you stir-fried too much, do you have an opinion?"
The girl shook her head and said, "No."
Mom continued to ask: "Do you think I am worthy of being your mother?" Do you think I'm good? ”
The girl replied helplessly: "It's not up to me. ”
Under repeated pressure from her mother, the girl replied, "It's fine."
Mom continued: "Since you were a child, I lost my job to take you, and now I have to work and take care of you and your sister, so you say I'm okay?!" ”
Seeing this scene, my first reaction was: this girl was PUA by her mother.
1
Children who are denied by their parents
May have low self-esteem for a lifetime
In the name of love, under the slogan of being good for you, it constantly mocks, suppresses, denies, and criticizes you, so as to achieve the ultimate goal of controlling you.
Don't think that PUA can only occur between the sexes, in fact, the parent group is the largest.
Parents PUA for their children, the most typical when the number of suppressive education.
In the notorious PUA school, one trick is to teach boys how to make each other feel inferior through suppression, so as to be tamed and tamed.
This trick coincides with the common "look at other people's children" in Chinese families.
There is an episode of the program "Young Man Says" that impressed me very deeply.
When a cheerful girl complains on stage that her mother always compares "other people's children", her mother's rebuttal is irrefutable.
Mom said:
"I think your character needs to be hit, otherwise you will float"
The girl said:
I said, my personality is not suitable for agitation, but you always hit me, and I feel bad.
Mom said:
When you're strong, I think it's time to shoot.
When you are weak, I will push you.
Then he said:
You are so bad, how can Xueba be friends with you?
Finally, the girl ran off the stage crying.
How many people saw themselves from this girl.
Chinese-style education is always denying and attacking children, telling children what is bad, where they are not doing well enough, and lack encouragement and tolerance.
And most parents, absolutely will not provide a path, that is, tell you an ultimate goal, you can't do it, you are garbage.
It is undeniable that many parents start with the goal of setting an example for their children and motivating them.
As everyone knows, this is actually hurting children.
Such denials, accusations, and comparisons will only make children extremely inferior, as if to say to them: No matter how hard you try, you can't.
What's even scarier is:
Children who are denied by their parents, this low self-esteem will accompany them for a lifetime.
2
Feelings of guilt will only put
The relationship is pushed further
Compared with repressive education, guilt is a more secret weapon for Chinese parents PUA children.
Emotional manipulation commonly used in PUA
Huang Zhizhong told a famous "fish head terrier" in "Strange Words":
Once upon a time, there was a mother who gave fish to her children every time and ate the fish head herself.
The mother, who has eaten fish heads all her life, told her son when she was dying: she actually didn't like to eat it.
When I was a child, I could hear such stories mostly and moved. But Huang Zhizhong pointed out sharply:
What would you do if you were this child? Would be very guilty, right?
This sense of self-sacrifice is precisely the most dangerous thing in intimate relationships.
If you give too much, you will often ask for something in return, and this can only end with the child's guilt.
There are really too many such "fish-headed mothers", and bitter moral kidnapping can be seen everywhere in parent-child relationships:
I'm working so hard, it's not for you.
Without you, I would have divorced your father a long time ago, and I don't have to endure it until now.
Forget it, if I haven't raised a daughter like you, I don't expect you to raise it when I'm old, I'll live by myself.
Seemingly self-pitying and self-pitying sentences hide a stronger accusation and denial from the other party.
As an adult, I feel a strong sense of guilt when I see these words, not to mention children.
I also know that Chinese have a habit of feeling that love is to owe each other, usually reproaching each other from the perspective of moral condemnation, trying to make the other party see their love by making the other person feel guilty, so as to obtain love.
As everyone knows, guilt will only push the relationship further.
Using moral kidnapping to stimulate children's feelings of guilt, thereby restraining children's behavior, is more difficult to break free than being denied and suppressed.
Zhihu has a topic called "What is the experience of being PUA by parents", and one of the comments is particularly poignant:
I am a man of great sin, and my soul should repent for the rest of my life.
And guilt has no meaning other than reducing the child's energy and making the child feel powerless and self-blamed.
Many people, throughout their lives, cannot get rid of such shackles and shadows.
3
A lot of hurt
It's all in the name of love
Li Xue, author of "Love and Freedom", said that there is a cruel law in this world:
The more hurt they are, the easier they are to be targeted by their abusers.
In the frequent school bullying cases and sexual assault cases in the past two years, the more children who are harmed in their original families, the easier it is to become the target of perverts.
PUA from parents is the most longest-lasting, the most injuring, and the least detectable.
This damage will permeate your life all the time, into your bloodstream, and eventually become a part of your body.
Children who grow up under the control of their parents can never be themselves.
Therefore, the gentle and decent love of parents is the best protection for children.
People often ask, mother Bao, how to prevent children from being bullied at school?
My answer is usually: have a sense of boundaries for the child, respect the child as an outsider, do not suppress him at every turn, and do not control the child with emotional blackmail, the child will naturally be immune.
The hit drama "Sauvignon Blanc", there is a line that says it well:
The harm in this world is not only in the name of evil, but many hurts in the name of love,
Many parents do things that hurt their children in the name of love.
Why is it easy for many people to learn PUA without a teacher after becoming a parent?
The famous psychologist Wu Zhihong pointed out this truth sharply in "Round Table Party":
In China, if you want to be an emperor, you just have to have a child.
After all, in the real world, it takes a lot of effort to make others look up to you, and often to no avail.
Having a child is the only way to have complete control over another life without much power.
But this kind of control, blow and pressure, the harm to the child, is devastating.
Some parents seem to be dignified and powerful, ostensibly winning the obedience of their children, but in fact they have already lost their children.
May you and I not make this mistake