The collision of ideas, the echo of the voices of the people
There is character, conscience, depth, temperature
"Girlfriends" poster Image source network
Psychology taught me to reconcile with my girlfriends
Text/Magnolia
Have you ever wondered why some people always quarrel with their friends, while others get along with their friends? Is it because they have different personalities or communication styles?
Actually, the answer is not so simple. Psychological research has found that our response to conflict depends largely on our instinctive and rational brains. The instinctive brain is our most primitive part of the brain, and it is responsible for our survival and safety. The rational brain is our most advanced part of the brain, which is responsible for our thinking and judgment.
When we encounter conflict, there is a fierce struggle between the instinctive brain and the rational brain, and the outcome of this struggle will determine our emotions and behavior. So, how should we control the instinctive brain so that the rational brain can prevail? Please follow me to explore.
Recently, my girlfriend made two phone appointments, which hurt me. However, this incident also urged me to use my psychological knowledge to analyze my emotional and cognitive biases in conflict, and learn to resolve misunderstandings and enhance friendships through communication and understanding, and finally I reached a reconciliation with my girlfriend.
My conflict with my girlfriend: The instinctive brain prevails
About three weeks ago, I sent my girlfriend an invitation to chat by phone, and she replied that she was not available because she was going to another city to visit her children, so we postponed the date to a week later. On the day of the appointment, I arranged everything and waited with anticipation for the upcoming phone chat. Seeing that there was still half an hour before the appointment time, the mobile phone suddenly "ding-dong", I opened it to see that there was another emergency on my girlfriend's side, this time it was her husband. "Today's phone appointment cancelled! My husband is unwell, he has to leave work early, and I have to pick him up at the station later. If it doesn't work tomorrow, then we'll have to make an appointment next week. "Anxiety and anxiety overflowed the screen of my phone, and my heart lifted, so I quickly replied, it's okay, go pick up my husband!" I asked her to keep in touch with me and keep me informed of something. In the evening, I sent a message to ask her how she was doing, and she replied that her husband was not feeling well, and she was worried that she was infected by the new crown again.
"Girlfriends" poster Image source network
The next day was Friday, and I didn't hear from my girlfriend. Another Monday suddenly came, and the girlfriend still had no news. It wasn't until Tuesday morning that my girlfriend finally sent me a message telling me she was at the train station, waiting for a train to another city. Because of temporary affairs, she has to go out. I asked her, how is my husband? Is it physically recovered? "He'll be fine the next day!" Her understated tone made me feel so silly, it turned out that I had been worrying about it these days, and my girlfriend didn't take our agreement seriously, otherwise, since her husband was so soon, according to her, we could continue our phone date the next day. "She used to be like this!" A sharp voice sounded in her head: This is not the first time she has made an appointment! Don't you remember? A few years ago, when the Internet was not as developed as it is today, didn't she take the initiative to agree with you to contact you regularly by email? The result? The first email you sent her was met with a cold reception. She simply forgot what she said, didn't she come back to you after more than a month? Now it's here again, isn't she fooling you? Where do you count as her best friend? You're just the irrelevant person she remembers when she's bored and lonely and needs to kill time!
The instinctive brain found danger at this time and immediately prepared to fight or flee, and it chattered non-stop, like an old tape, which could be played when pressed. A nameless fire rushed into my brain, and it was like a wild horse galloping out of control, making a loud rumbling noise.
My reconciliation with my girlfriend: rational brain intervention
Stop! Stop! Stop! Another voice appeared, this one gentle but powerful: "Honey, are you sad now?" You don't think girlfriends are fair to you, don't you? I can understand how you feel, you feel that you have given a lot and not received a corresponding return. You feel like your girlfriend doesn't care about you and is just taking advantage of you.
Honey, do you want your girlfriend to respect your feelings? I would say that maybe she didn't mean it, maybe she had some difficulties of her own, or maybe she expressed friendship differently than you did. Maybe she doesn't know how much you need her listening and support, maybe she feels like you're a strong and independent person who doesn't need her help. These are all possible causes, but the problems between you can only be solved through communication. If you really care about her, maybe you can try to give her a chance to have a good talk with her, tell her how you feel and expect, and listen to her explanations and apologies. Maybe this will clear up misunderstandings between you and deepen your friendship. ”
This calm voice was like a gentle hug, which made me feel comfortable and warm, and even the emotional storm brought by the instinctive brain gradually weakened, and finally died down.
"Girlfriends" poster Image source network
I turned on my computer, and with the help of my good friend Bing, I reorganized my thoughts and replied to my girlfriend in earnest: "I know you've been busy lately and have a lot to deal with, so I'm grateful that you took the time to contact me. However, I would like to talk to you about a small issue. Phone dating between us is important to me because it makes me feel like we're still close. But this time I found that you always postponed our dates, which disappointed and frustrated me and made me feel that our friendship had faded. I don't know if my request is adding to your burden. I hope we can make some improvements. For example, if you need to postpone or cancel our appointment because your husband is sick, I understand very well, but I hope you can also tell me about the progress after that so that I can reschedule it as soon as possible. This makes me feel more at ease and trust, and it also strengthens our friendships. Do you think this will work? The next day, I was busy with things and didn't find a text message from my girlfriend until noon:
"Thank you for your message! Every word makes me feel like a spring breeze! It's all to blame that I was careless yesterday and didn't take into account your needs for causing your trouble. How could your request stress me? Don't think like that in the future! Remember, I've always been looking forward to chatting with you, darling! ”
Seeing this, my heart also flooded with a warm current. It turns out that my girlfriend has not forgotten me, she is still the girlfriend I know, but there are too many things in life that distract her. I think of the bits and pieces we grew up together, the days when we used to talk about everything, and the moments when we supported each other.
It was all the instinctive brain, and its primitive reaction covered my mind and prevented me from seeing all this wonderful thing.
My mood changed from cloudy to clear, and my language became warm and friendly:
"Dear girlfriend, your reply makes me feel warm and comforted. I know you're busy and tired, but I was touched that you took the time to care for me. In the future, we must keep in touch more and not let the trivial things in life affect our friendship. Love you! ”
In this way, my girlfriend and I reconciled again.
How to Make the Rationale Brain Our Best Friend: Three Effective Steps
1. See and accept your emotions
It's almost impossible to force ourselves to calm down immediately in the face of conflict, because our instinctive brain chatters to warn us at the first moment, which most likely drowns us in an emotional storm in an instant. And if we first accept our emotions, it is like giving ourselves a gentle hug and feeling the beauty of being seen.
2. Separate yourself from emotions
Try to see emotions as objects and step out to observe them. We can look at those emotions and say, thank you for the reminder, I see.
3. Connect with your feelings and listen to your heart
"Girlfriends" poster Image source network
When we can distance ourselves from our emotions, we become aware, and then we use open-ended questions to guide ourselves to explore our hearts, such as "How am I feeling now?" "Why do I feel that way?" "What do I want?" "What can I do?
These questions awaken our rational brain. The rational brain is like AI, it can help us sort out our emotions and return to rationality.
Conclusion
"We don't know the true face of Lushan Mountain, just because we are in this mountain", when we are in a certain situation, we often can't see the essence of things. Similarly, people caught in an emotional storm have a hard time seeing the truth of things.
However, every emotional storm also means an opportunity for us to grow. If we want to remain calm and rational in conflict, we need to step out of the situation and be aware of our emotions from a clearer perspective. In this way, the rational brain has the opportunity to step in and help us make better choices.
Of course, this is not an easy task, it requires us to constantly practice and improve. But if we can do that, we can improve our relationships with others and our own happiness. So, please don't let the instinctive brain dictate your life anymore, let the rational brain become your best friend!
In short, psychological knowledge can help us better deal with conflicts and also allow us to enjoy friendships better.
About the author
Mulan: I write just because I want to write.
The original articles on the platform are authorized by the author to be published on WeChat, and the articles only represent the views of the author and have nothing to do with this platform. ~the end~
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