"I have been intervening with this visitor for months, he doesn't seem to be getting better, what to do I am so anxious"
This phrase is a common question heard by novice counselors as well as experienced counselors.
For consultants, especially novice consultants, whether the client's goal is achieved often affects our emotional ups and downs, which is actually very normal.
Just as when we were young, our parents would use our grades to prove whether we usually studied well, and the counselor wanted to use the interview to judge whether his counseling was good or not.
• When we take each consultation seriously and see that the visit has changed and the problem has improved, we will be happy that our consultation has been effective, our technology has improved, and we will be full of achievement;
• But when we have done many serious consultations, but we have not found any signs of change in the visit, nor have we been a little closer or even farther to the consulting goal, we often wonder if our skills are not in place, whether we are not suitable to be a consultant, whether we are ourselves...
The blame for oneself will appear repeatedly in the mind, and at night you will dream of the scene of your own consultation or even the questioning from the visitor.
As a result, I feel very tired after every consultation, as if I have experienced a storm and the sea cannot calm down for a long time.
As more and more inquiries were received, I felt more and more breathless, as if even my own rest time was occupied by thinking about these questions.
Did he go back to class this week? Will his parents come to me again and complain or even question my abilities?
How is she doing with this depressed girl? I haven't come to consult recently, is it that my empathy is not in place to make her uncomfortable?
Why is her husband cheating, she still wants to redeem it, how can I help her?
In this state of continuous consumption, it will be difficult for counselors to be able to devote themselves to the process of counseling or treatment, unable to meet the psychological needs of the client, and even damage the client's well-being, thus potentially putting themselves into the risk of legal litigation.
In fact, this manifestation is that our consultants regard the client's goal as their own goal and assume the responsibility of the client.
Instead of putting yourself in the position of helper, you become a member of the visiting family, worried about the visitor, and have no emotional boundaries.
When we learn to balance emotional involvement with the client and objectivity, this consumption slowly disappears.
This question was taught in the second clinical case teaching (VIII) of this workshop, and Mr. Shen and the students discussed it during the case review, so let's follow the editor to see how Mr. Shen answered it ~
This case has been consulted 8 times, initially because the 15-year-old child did not go to school, and the mother and child have slowly changed during the consultation process.
But the child still did not return to school, and the mother began to wonder whether it was right to let the child take responsibility for his own learning and entertainment, feeling that this was no different from letting the child go.
Teacher Shen: What is the difference between doing this and letting it go?
When we hear the words visit, we will have some reactions in our hearts, and we may wonder if the intervention is not very good, because we have intervened so many times, the visit is still sad, and the daughter has not changed.
Does this part mean that the failure of counseling, we will have pressure within us,
Although the visit does not say anything, when this negative voice is in the counselor's heart, this part will have an impact on the counselor, and it is important for the counselor to be aware of this part.
How to solve the impact of this part of the sound on us?
For example,
For example, parents come to the consultation room and say that their children do not want to go to school, then ⌈ let their children go to school⌋ this part is the goal of parents, we cannot directly change the goal of parents into our own goals, and we cannot bear the full responsibility of making children better.
Many times the client wants to give the responsibility for solving their problem to the consultant, and sometimes the consultant fearlessly takes this responsibility, and then finds a solution for the cause of the visit to see if the problem can be solved.
And my current approach in the counseling process is to let myself not bear the responsibility that belongs to the client, the problem needs to be solved by the visitor, and what the consultant can do is to help the visitor see what to do to achieve this goal.
So how can you help visitors achieve their goals?
Two parts are involved:
(1) The method of counselor's help, such as whether the technology used is appropriate, whether the consultant's own competence is sufficient, whether the consultant has relevant case experience, etc., this part is the part that the consultant needs to grow and improve.
(2) Help him learn to take responsibility for solving his own problems, for example, there is nothing wrong with the counselor's help,
In strict accordance with the genre of psychological counseling, in strict accordance with the methods of psychological counseling, everything that should be done has been done, and there is also a review plan every time,
However, because the visitor has not been able to make some appropriate or effective effort to achieve this goal, or feels that the achievement of his goal is entirely the responsibility of the consultant,
In fact, this is not the case, and the success of the consultation is overwhelmingly dependent on the client's own efforts and time.
Psychological counseling is like drinking Chinese medicine, Chinese medicine is indeed effective for our diseases, but if we do not avoid the medicine, the effect will be greatly reduced, and the length of our treatment will also increase.
(Just like when the editor receives consultations, there are often visits to ask, "How long does it take to do consultation?") Or "My child doesn't want to come for counseling, can I trick him into coming over."
In both cases, we will start from the fact that the client also needs to bear the effect of the consultation, and tell the visiting counseling is not enough for the counselor's efforts alone, and the client needs to have the will to change, and work together with the counselor, which cannot be determined by several consultations)
Therefore, if the first point is done, our consultant does not need to bear the responsibility of the client.
For example, if we want to go to the goal of children's schooling, first we need to look at what we can do in this, what we can adjust, can help the visitor to the goal of going to the child's school, this part is very important,
Maybe the child does not go to school because the parents' husband and wife relationship is not good, and the child sacrifices himself to balance the family, we have to adjust the focus and direction of our help, rather than focusing on the goal of not going to school.
So what do I want to emphasize in this?
As counselors, we do not carry the client's goals, our task is to use the principles of psychology and psychological techniques to help them and achieve their goals.
For example, we help parents see what to do to get their children to go to school, and what to do to keep their children away from Internet addiction.
Let parents focus on how to solve problems and what methods to solve problems, not on when children can go to school and when children can stay away from the Internet.
Then when the child's problem has not been solved, the parents will think that maybe they are not doing well enough, and where they need to continue to correct, then he will not blame the counselor.
Student: If we talk about the system, in fact, if we don't get involved in the system, we can be in such a position without taking on the responsibility of the visitor.
When we get involved in such a system, you will invisibly assume some of the responsibility of the visitor.
So we are just a helper role, our responsibility is to be responsible for our own professional skills, responsible for the relationship with visitors, responsible for our professional ethics,
To help accompany visitors in a safe place and tap their own strength, so that they can face life well even when they leave the consultation room, we can do this well.
But sometimes this awareness, although it is there, is really difficult to do, and now at least we know that there is such a direction that needs to be worked on.
Involved is to assist the visitor to solve the problem, not involved is to believe that the visitor has the ability to solve the problem, according to the theory of humanism, human beings have an innate motivation for self-realization, so that they are constantly better, as a consultant should also believe that the visitor has the ability and energy to solve their own problems.
The above dialogue is excerpted from the clinical case teaching (8) of module 2 of the workshop, the dialogue between Mr. Shen and the students, and more wonderful content added to the official micro-understanding course.
Organized, edited: Xixizi
Reviewed: Peng Qiuhong