Question: My husband is very angry, and he always speaks fiercely, such as "You are hot, don't you know how to open the window?" "What's wrong with me doing this, can't I?" My husband's rhetorical questioning is particularly oppressive, he always likes to accuse me when he encounters things, and usually always likes to pick me wrong inexplicably. I'm really angry, I feel unhappy together every day, I always feel bullied, what the hell is going on? My idea of divorce is really very strong, I am boiling ah, I really feel that I can't stand it, should I divorce this situation?
Reply:
There are three reasons why men are aggressive after marriage and speak aggressively, and they are more likely to be.
The first reason is that this man has a more serious inferiority complex in his bones.
Probably in most people's concepts, people with low self-esteem are introverted and quiet, and are in a weak position in various interpersonal relationships. But in fact, there are many external manifestations of inferiority, and some men with inferiority will show sensitivity and irritability and like to lose their temper with people close to them.
You see the inflated fish will blow themselves up when they encounter danger, and they will also erect small thorns on their skin, which is what they are telling the enemy " I am very big, I am very powerful, don't mess with me, you can't deal with me!" Many men with low self-esteem are also like this, he always feels that he is not strong enough, and needs a layer of "fierce" protective color to disguise, so that people around him are afraid of him and dare not be disrespectful to him.
If your husband belongs to this situation, in fact, you can see it before marriage, although men will pay special attention to restraining their emotions and temper in front of the object before marriage, but it is difficult for him to hide it well all the time. You recall now whether your husband was always used to explaining himself before marriage, for fear that you would misunderstand him, or whether he could easily understand your inadvertent negligence as your deliberate neglect of him or that you were denying him. These are all manifestations of a person's lack of confidence in themselves.
Men with inferiority are always afraid that their wives will look down on themselves after marriage, so they often bluff and use "momentum" to suppress their wives, and when there is nothing wrong, he loves to put on a "parental style", train his wife a few words, pick his wife's faults, and show his authority.
And he will be extra sensitive, easy to over-interpret your meaning, if you ask any questions, even if you are not complaining, he will understand that you are expressing dissatisfaction with him. For example, if you say that the house is too hot, maybe you just casually say an objective fact, your husband is easy to understand that you think he makes less money, did not install better air conditioning at home, and once the inferiority psychology stimulates him, he will violently erupt, saying that you are an unsatisfied woman or a stupid woman, and maintaining your dignity in a way that degrades you.
The second reason is that the man is often complained and blamed by his wife, and the couple falls into a negative pattern of interaction.
I have met many visitors who accuse my husband of having a temper, saying that my husband will lose control of his emotions because of a small matter, and often take the initiative to provoke quarrels. After digging deeper into their couple's long-standing daily interactions, I found that the two of them had long since lost their secure bond.
There is an explanation in psychology that when people can't have a secure connection with their partner, they usually fall into negative interaction patterns. To put it in layman's terms, the couple's usual communication is full of mutual complaints and mutual accusations, and over time they have accumulated a lot of hurt and estrangement, and both people feel that this marriage is very fragile, in such a state, a little thing is easy to cause emotional loss of control in an instant.
Once the negative interaction pattern is formed, the couple usually has a negative prejudgment of each other's behavior, and once there is a slight wind and grass, it will instinctively open self-defense, and this defense will even be reflected as a first-step attack. For example, in your opinion, your husband will start to accuse you in a dignified manner, or be aggressive in the form of rhetorical questions, but your husband's psychological activity before opening his mouth may be - "I must preemptively attack this matter, otherwise my wife should complain about me, or find me trouble."
You can review and comb through the interactions between you and your husband in recent years to see if your situation belongs to this kind.
The third reason is that the man is going through a period of great stress and anxiety.
If your husband has been temperamental and emotionally stable, both before and after marriage, and has only recently become like this, the most likely reason is that he is under a lot of pressure.
He may have a problem at work, afraid that you are worried so he did not tell you, or there may be some things in life that make him anxious, such as the education and future of the child, or you often look forward to your family future planning with your husband but he finds it difficult to achieve, these pressures and anxieties he can not digest himself, and there is nowhere to vent, so he will be particularly impatient in the face of other things, easy to lose control of emotions.
Regardless of which of the above reasons, there are corresponding countermeasures, first sort out which kind of situation your family belongs to, in order to develop a targeted improvement strategy. But in any case, you can't stay up anymore, you can't help to improve the relationship between husband and wife every day, and you will definitely not be able to bear it for a long time.