01, the original intention of choosing this road in the first place
When I was in college, only 3 of the 54 people in our class were actively enrolled in sociology majors, and everyone else was transferred. At first, I was not interested in this major, but then the reason why I chose to take the sociology graduate school in my junior year gave up my father's suggestion to enter the civil service in the capital city of my hometown was also out of my liking for this major and my desire to continue to explore in this field. This desire first came from my alma mater and teachers.
At that time, our sociology major was the first batch of students enrolled in the college, and this major was one of the few in the province. However, the energy and dedication invested in this profession in our schools and colleges is deeply touching. Our professional teachers are doing their best to provide us with summer practice opportunities, using their own resources to invite teachers from Shanghai and Wuhan universities to give lectures, and even invited Mr. Zheng Hangsheng to give a speech. The simple pursuit of professional knowledge and the purity of scholarship in the hospital deeply infected me, and I developed a love for this profession.
I remember that When I was in my first year of undergraduate, Mr. Zhao, who gave us "Introduction to Sociology", once said to us in class: "You may feel that you are useless in studying sociology now, but after you have studied for four years, you will find that you may look at the problem from the same angle as others, and you will stand higher." ”.. Such a particularly abstract expression has been rooted in my heart since then, although at that time I did not know what "looking at problems will stand higher", but I seemed to feel as if I liked sociology. Finally, when I chose to go to graduate school or civil servants in my junior year, with this vague liking, I chose a 985 sociology major and was admitted with the first place.
02, dream shattering, temporary abandonment and inner fear
After studying for my master's degree, I thought I would have a better platform and a better start. My mentor was great, and that year he brought us several graduate students in the same class. In my impression, three years of graduate school, we only went to see the teacher three times in the same class. One is when the graduate student has just started school, once before the graduation thesis is opened, and the last time is when the graduation defense is over, and the graduation thesis needs to be signed by the supervisor. The three "teacher-gate meetings" that impressed me the most were the first time - a few of us sat side by side across from the tutor and talked a lot, but the tutor had a sentence that made me and another classmate almost shatter the dream in my heart, and the tutor said: I know that you all came to graduate school to mix a diploma...
I...... I didn't come to graduate school to mix a diploma. I originally thought that the college teachers in 985 would be better, but I didn't expect that the scientific research training and edification I received here were even worse than my undergraduate. Most of the students around the same major have little interest in this major after graduation, they are civil servants or change careers. I decided from the beginning of graduate school to continue to study for a doctorate in the future, and the teachers of our institute can also take a doctorate, but the direction is not sociology, although the near water building platform first got the moon, but I am not willing to change the professional direction.
In such a harsh external environment and resources, I thought about giving up because I felt really powerless, and now that I think back I don't even know how I persevered. Hopefully, I tried to jump out of that circle and see the outside world, to see what the good peers were doing. In 2015, I participated in the first summer training in related fields held by Teachers of Peking University, and I had the honor to apply for the quota, and I am very grateful to Mr. Qian for providing this opportunity, where I saw the appearance of excellent scholars and met more outstanding students in the same major. They were very energetic, and the twenty-day training course was the happiest time I had in three years as a graduate student. There I became a close friend with Mr. Wang, who was studying in Hong Kong, and he later went to the United States to continue his ph.D., and when we separated at the end of the summer school, I told him: You are waiting for me in Hong Kong, I will definitely apply for a Ph.D. there. At that time, Wang said: When you come, I will leave Hong Kong and go to the United States. At that time, I wanted to have such an agreement because I really wanted to continue studying.
After returning from summer training in Beijing, in 2015 I began to work part-time to save money to prepare funds for the subsequent IELTS test; in 2016, I returned from home on the second day of the Chinese New Year, until the last IELTS test in November 2016, when I was preparing for the IELTS and then the test, but finally gave up applying abroad, because of the fear in my heart and the inability to have no guidance or help.
Looking back now, I still remember the first time Ielts speaking, it was the first time I talked to foreigners face to face, my strategy for taking the spoken language test was to rely on rote memorization, because my memory was particularly good, so I had to memorize nearly 100 questions in the three parts of speaking, but when I entered the speaking classroom to face the speaking examiner in front of me, I was nervous and my head was blank, I couldn't remember a word, at that time the corners of my mouth began to twitch unconsciously, and the tears began to fall down... During the whole oral exam process, I didn't say a word after I introduced myself, because I sobbed, my head was blank, I couldn't open my mouth to speak... When I came out of the examination room, I was afraid of losing people and did not dare to tell anyone about this, and I only dared to call my relatives, I dialed my sister's phone, I said on the phone: Sister, I seem to be like this, I seem to be finished, I seem to be really not suitable for this road ah...
The IELTS revision exam took a year, and countless times in the middle of the night, I couldn't sleep and waited for the dawn with my eyes open, and then I carried my school bag to the study room to review for another day. Finally, after the third exam, I deliberately decided to give up for the time being. I told myself that sometimes you need to be prepared to accomplish something, and that preparation includes mental preparation; sometimes it takes courage to give up. Because, I have to find a reason for myself to give up, I force myself to go on, I am afraid that I really can't bear it...
03, I can, I can,
Look for that glimmer of potential possibility
In November 2016, after I persuaded myself to give up applying abroad, I immediately contacted a 985 university (referred to as S bar) and teachers from other colleges and universities to prepare for the PhD, but I was related, I thought that it would be too late to prepare at that time and there was a master's thesis to complete the double pressure, the doctoral exam did not do any preparation to register for the final exam.
The blow of the IELTS exam and the abandonment of foreign doctoral applications has never dared to show it. But luckily, i caught a chance. Because I have ready-made IELTS results, at the end of February 2017 I grabbed a visa to go abroad to work and vacation, this visa is only 5,000 places per year, especially difficult to grab, many people will spend thousands of dollars to find Taobao to grab help, but that year I feel like I was favored by heaven, I checked the strategy, arranged every step from the browser and plug-in download and installation to the best card seat of an Internet café to ensure the fastest Internet speed... In the morning, the system suddenly collapsed, and everyone in the group could not enter the web page... At this time, I am not in a hurry and not nervous, it just so happens that someone just called me, I went to the Internet café to call, and after I hung up the phone, the ghost made God think badly: the computer is not OK, do you want to try the mobile phone web page, maybe 80% of it, but in case you want to grab it..... Who knows, the mobile phone actually logged in!!! ...... At the end of February 2017, I went to Beijing to apply for a visa, and I think I finally had the opportunity to go abroad to overcome my fear of speaking English.
Before going abroad, in early March 2017, I went to Beijing to interview and start an internship, and turned positive until graduation; in March 2018, I resigned and went abroad to start my working vacation life, I spoke to foreigners for the first time abroad, for the first time I no longer cared whether others would dislike my accent in my heart, and even I was better at dealing with foreigners than other Chinese, probably not because my spoken language was good, but because I originally liked to communicate with others, and language is used to communicate.
In order to overcome my fear, I chose to go abroad alone, and finally I overcame my fear, and I finally let go of the embarrassing experience of going to the exam room and crying and weeping without saying a word to others as a joke.
After completing my first job abroad in October 2018, when I had just broken up and reached a turning point, I finally decided to return home early to prepare for the Exam. At that time, I was a little hesitant, although I would go back now or wait until 2019 to go back to Kaobo, I had done a good analysis of the pros and cons, but at such a fork in the road of life to make a decision about the future direction, I still did not dare to take a picture of the table and immediately finalize.
Here, I am very grateful to a friend who was also abroad at the time, thank you for pushing me at that time, sometimes after rational analysis or need to be impulsive to have the courage to take that step, she said: You go back to the exam, try hard, if you are not admitted to the exam, you will never think about it again. Therefore, on October 22, 2018, I took an international flight to Singapore to Shenzhen, took the train from Shenzhen to my home, and went home to prepare for revision and exams.
04, the road is chosen by myself, I just want to stick to the end
When I got to my train station, my good friend Ah Pang took a leave of absence to meet me, and she saw me for the first time and said: You are thin. When I saw her, my heart was relaxed, but I couldn't help but cry in the train station square, and I said: Ah Pang, I am very afraid, I don't know if this decision I made is right, I am afraid that I have taken this step wrong, but I am really not willing to take this step. Apoon said: Life is not only a path that Cooper can take. Every day in the train station square, there will be a lot of black car drivers who are loud soliciting customers, and a big brother who passed by us at that time said: Nell, crying and crying, what can't be passed... Ah Pang invited me to her house for dinner, saying that her parents were going to go to the market to buy vegetables for me to eat, I agreed, and then refused, Ah Pang knows me very well: Are you afraid of delaying one day and one less day of revision time? So I came home that day and started my preparation for the Exam.
October 23, 2018 - March 10, 2019 - March 30, 2019 - April 28, 2019 - May 17, 2019 These are a few days that are particularly important for me. On March 10th S school preliminary examination, I was also the first time to be so close to the school I wanted to take, the exam has been raining for two days; March 30 L school exam, the exam that two days also rained; April 28 L re-examination; May 17 S re-examination; L I took the 232, S I took the 230 are very high results, S preliminary examination results are the second place, L did not rank.
I would like to thank many people, thanks to the S school's Aku senior and two other enthusiastic seniors, and another student, thank you for their enthusiastic help when I consult questions; thank my parents for the logistics work done for me at home, in order to ensure that I am in addition to eating and sleeping is the rhythm of learning; thank my boyfriend (at that time we were not together) all the way to accompany me, during the revision of the exam I cut off all social interaction, alone at home to review, study for more than 13 hours a day, But even so, the pressure is self-evident. Especially the S school to take the statistics test, because I did not study statistics well when I was undergraduate, so my heart was particularly bottomless; but I still had to force myself to look at it from the beginning, especially when I remember that there was still a month before the S school exam, there were many literature papers that had not been read and summarized, and the pressure was particularly great every day, and after every dinner, I began to be anxious not to read the book, I felt that there was not enough time to be afraid of not finishing, while crying with tears, while using my hand to click the mouse to read the literature and say to myself: It's okay... Even if I'm on my knees, I'm going to read the literature...
Kaobo has been different from the master's examination, especially the re-examination, the supervisor's discretion is greater, and the analysis is no longer discussed in detail. In the end, I was brushed off at S School and recorded by L School. I remember that on the first day of the S School re-examination, I met with my registered tutor for more than half an hour, and when I came out of his small damp office, my body was drifting and unstable, because from the teacher's words I seemed to know the answer...
Coming out of the office, my hands were shaking, and I called my friend: Hey, I should have been brushed... For the first time, I have such a strong feeling of helplessness: sometimes others don't make their words clear, but the result is already a feeling of powerlessness in front of you. I lost, I lost convincingly.
Let's talk about a little episode here. When the initial test results came down, I did not hope to retaliate against the test, but when the S school called to inform the re-examination, it said: The teacher who is not online will choose to transfer, so there are three places, and you are entirely possible. In view of this, I went south with my bags to take the re-examination at S School, and by then I was already penniless, and the re-examination fee and accommodation were borrowed money. But on the day of the re-examination, all of us re-examination ended the re-examination the teacher who organized the re-examination immediately announced the end of the re-examination and finally admitted two people, we asked if there was still one transfer, the teacher who organized the re-examination said: There is no transfer this year...
Later, I ran into the tutor I had reported in the hallway and asked if there was anything I could do. The tutor comforted me and another classmate who fell on the list and said: It doesn't matter if you can't pass the exam, it's not the only way to go. I said, "But don't I just want to go this way?" I knew in my heart that I was out of the game, but I was not willing, and if I did not try my best to fight for it, I would regret it for the rest of my life. At this time, I couldn't care if I would cause trouble for others, so I asked the senior to help me get a call from the teacher who didn't have a student on the line, and wanted to contact him to request a transfer. However, in the end, the mentor said that he was not considering adjustments this year.
05, mountain after mountain,
Start your next battle
After the re-examination of S school, I went home through Wuhan to meet my master's degree and my good friend Lao Bai, listened to them talk about some things during the doctorate, the senior is really very good, sent a lot of good articles during the doctorate, but also gave me a lot of advice for doctoral studies, very grateful.
Because I need to pay tuition fees and living expenses for my PhD, my parents can no longer afford to provide me to continue my studies, so the re-examination is over, and on June 7, 2019, I went abroad again, this time for the purpose of saving money - the goal is 50,000 yuan. God is attached to me, from landing and then flying to the destination, with the help of friends to find a job, 2019 On August 20, 2019, I left, this job for two months, I successfully completed the goal and saved 60,000 yuan.
On August 28, 2019, I returned home, and on September 2, 2019, the doctoral freshman started school, with 60,000 yuan on his body, paid off the foreign debt (before participating in the exam re-examination travel expenses were borrowed from friends) paid 10,000 tuition fees, bought himself an Apple notebook (this is my first computer) The rest is living expenses, how much ph.D. life should be barely passable.
I was with my boyfriend in September 2019, which was also a turning point in my research career. He has been with me since I began to review Kaobo, and is my master and even more my comrade-in-arms. From him, I saw a lot of traits that the people around me didn't have, because gradually I became different from the past when I was close to him. He has been a master's degree abroad for five years, and he has also suffered a lot, although he can not teach me how to do scientific research, but in the subtle and constantly affect me. There are too many things to say about him, and I am very grateful to him for accompanying me all the way down.
The first semester of the Doctorate has a lot of classes, and the first semester of the Doctorate ends in class and adaptation. In the winter vacation of 2020, I went to meet my boyfriend, and I was slowly trying to find a breakthrough in writing a small paper or determining the future research direction. The bitterness in my heart: I feel that I feel a little bit of feeling now, but I feel that I am walking on thin ice, am I suitable for academics, can I still be saved? I didn't understand anything at the time, but I read it desperately, and I read the other parts of the literature that the teacher let everyone share to help them straighten it out, to this extent... From February to now, after experiencing the adjustment of the plan and various tosses, my mentality and rhythm have finally been found. Now it is no longer trembling like walking on thin ice, but more confidence and interest in engaging in academia. This is related to the change in my mentality.
Choosing academics means that you have chosen the lifestyle of scientific research, and there is no vacation. At this moment, it is 12:57 a.m., and I will get up early tomorrow after changing this manuscript. Regarding scientific research, I am just starting out, and my scientific research mentality is constantly changing. I hope that one day I will be able to graduate on schedule and be able to do as I wish.
My name is Zhao Xiaodao, and the above is my story.
Good luck and encouragement.