Education doesn't have to be a constant reminder, which overwhelms us and our children.
Grasp the "teachable moment" to educate children to achieve more with less.
Author | First peach
Some time ago, I couldn't get along with my son.
Obviously he is teaching my life experience, but he is inexplicably irritable, I say one, he top ten.
That day, we were watching the Disney classic movie "Finding Nemo", and when I saw the ending, I said:
"You see, as long as you identify a goal, whatever it is, it can be done."
Unexpectedly, his son's face sank, and his eyelids rolled over:
"Why don't you just watch a movie, as for it!"
"You know to be reasonable every day, and you can tell a bunch of reason about anything."
"I'm in sixth grade! I understand everything! ”
After speaking, this kid entered the room and closed the door, leaving my old mother in place speechless.
A few days ago, the teacher called me and said that my son had not been doing well recently, taking a few classmates with him, playing pranks to tease the teacher.
"Although your children have good grades, their parents still have to be well educated!"
I'm really angry: I don't teach less on weekdays! How to teach more, the worse the child?
When I was depressed about my son's "rebellion", it happened that my best friend who majored in psychology came to the house for dinner.
After I complained in tears, my girlfriend smiled and said:
"Children are like this, not because you have less reasoning, but because you have not grasped the right time for education."
Then, my girlfriend introduced me to the 3 "teachable moments" that are most easily ignored by my parents, and I listened to them, and I was empowered.
I realized that I had missed so many opportunities to educate my children.
When children do it right, parents praise
The child will get more and more right
A few days ago, I happened to see a speech by Fan Deng, and he put forward a point:
The most effective time to educate children is when they do the right thing.
Then, he shared a small incident when his son was 3 years old.
That day, Fan Deng took his son to a class reunion. On the way, the son was a little anxious, he said:
"Dad, go faster, don't be late."
When Fan Deng heard this, he squatted down and solemnly said to his son:
"Dudu, you know what? There's a quality in you that Dad particularly appreciates, and that's that you don't like to be late.
Do you know how important it is not to be late? Not being late represents respect for others, and each of us wants to deal with people who respect us.
So, it's a good habit not to be late. ”
Later, when he went to school, his son arrived at school on time every day and was never late.
At the age of 5 or 6, he proudly told others:
"You know what? I'm a person who doesn't love to be late. ”
In real life, how many parents praise their children, always staying on the surface, with the phrase "You are awesome!" "Just send the child away".
In fact, when children do the right thing, it is the most effective educational opportunity.
At this time, parents' recognition of their children is a positive reinforcement.
Children who receive positive reinforcement will continue their good qualities.
I remembered a scene I saw at my girlfriend's house before:
That day, my girlfriend was telling her child a picture book story about the bus.
The bus lights in the picture book are yellow from beginning to end, but they turn black on one page.
The child found out and asked why.
The girlfriend checked and guessed that it was a typographical error.
But she did not casually say "people printed wrong" and perfunctory the child, but held the child and said happily:
"You are awesome! I found something wrong with the picture book! ”
"Yes, the books are not necessarily all right, and you should also think with skepticism in the future!"
Now that I think about it, it was also a "teachable moment".
When the child has a questioning spirit for the first time, the girlfriend affirms him in time.
No wonder this child later became a person with particularly good observation skills and always liked to ask why when things happened.
I once saw a sentence in the book:
"Right has inertia, never ignore the power of right."
Many times, children help adults wash dishes once, discover loopholes in test questions, or help a child, these things are just small things that can be praised at will in the eyes of parents.
As everyone knows, this is the "teachable moment" to cultivate children's good qualities.
Once grasped, the power of education is four or two pounds.
When children make mistakes, parents are tolerant
The child will grow up the more wrong he goes
There is a topic on Zhihu: When you make mistakes as a child, what will happen to your parents?
A high praise at the bottom replied: "One dozen, two scolding, three punishments." ”
Behind the high praise is the sadness that many post-80s and post-90s empathize.
It turned out that this netizen would be scolded and beaten as long as he did something wrong since he was a child.
"When I was 3 years old, I broke a bowl and my mother threw me out of the door with a broom; But then I would still break the bowl from time to time;
When I was 5 years old, I stole 5 cents from my family to buy snacks at the entrance of the village, and my father slapped me in the face and called me a thief; But when I don't have pocket money, I still steal my parents' money;
When I was 10 years old, I was the last in the final exam, and my mother was so angry that she tore up my test paper and punished me for not being able to eat; But after being scolded and punished, my grades did not improve..."
In the book "The Awakening of Parents", it is said:
"Making mistakes should not be a reason for long lectures and punishments, but as a window into learning."
But the parents of this netizen only regard their children's mistakes as trouble and trouble, and will only scold and punish.
Therefore, no matter how much scolding, the child will still make the same mistake.
Visionary parents, on the other hand, see the opportunity for their children to make mistakes as opportunities for growth.
There was such a news:
There was a boy in Wuhan who was hooked on a game during his summer vacation.
In order to buy equipment, he secretly spent all 2,000 yuan in his grandmother's WeChat wallet.
After the parents found out, although they were angry, they still suppressed their anger and chose to educate their children in a different way.
Parents asked Airlines to use school and weekends to pick up scraps and save money.
Hang Hang knew that it was wrong, and could only pick up rags and sell them all over the streets to pay off debts.
This process is very hard, but Hang Hang said that he understood for the first time that it is not easy to make money, and he also said that he would never spend his parents' money indiscriminately in the future.
French writer Romain Rolland once said, "Life should do something wrong." To do something wrong is to gain insight. ”
For children, mistakes must be inevitable, but mistakes must also have value.
Many times, mistakes are the beginning of right.
When children make mistakes, parents should give more understanding and tolerance, and replace simple punishment with patient guidance.
In this way, every mistake of the child can become a paving stone for future success.
When the child is frustrated, parents encourage
The child will become more and more courageous
The story of Jing Han, a Chinese mother, in the documentary "Amazing Mother", particularly moved me.
Jing Han sent her 6-year-old daughter Jasmine to learn figure skating, hoping to develop her into a future world champion.
After studying figure skating for 2 years, Jasmine competed for the first time and was last last due to frequent mistakes.
The frustrated Jasmine is sad, but her father says that he hopes that Jasmine will learn to accept disappointment in failure.
Image source: Tencent Video "Amazing Mom"
In addition to encouraging Jasmine to continue her efforts, Jing Han also methodically analyzed the reasons for Jasmine:
"You didn't skate well this time because you didn't skate well all the time. But the ranking doesn't matter, what matters is that we know what the problem is. ”
"You are the youngest, and you have only been studying for 2 years, but your mother sees your efforts, and your mother is still very proud of you."
After returning home, Jing Han also deliberately found out the video of the game and accompanied her daughter to analyze the wrong action.
Image source: Tencent Video "Amazing Mom"
On weekdays, Jing Han also continued to drive hundreds of miles every day to send Jasmine to the ice rink to practice.
When the coach is away, Jing Han acts as a coach and carefully guides Jasmine on the side.
After continuous efforts, Jasmine finally won the silver medal in one fell swoop the following season, becoming the youngest winner.
A quote from "The Little Prince" comes to mind:
"The most conquering weapon in the world is language, and a word can make a person fall to the bottom, but also make a person regain strength."
When the child is frustrated, if the parents give a number of falls, then the child will always be slumped;
On the contrary, if the parents give encouragement and support, then the child will have the courage to move on.
I remember discussing with a parenting expert friend: What is the most lacking thing for modern parents?
My friend offered an answer that I never expected: Many parents focus too much on results and neglect the process, and they lack recognition of their children's efforts.
Then he shared a case study with me.
A mother came to counseling and said that her son's psychological quality was particularly poor, and when he encountered a little setback, he would hang his head and give up directly.
But I didn't encourage him!
My friend asked: How do you encourage you every time?
The mother replied, "Just tell him to come on!" ”
My friend hit the nail on the head and pointed out: Your encouragement is the most ineffective. What you need to do is to recognize your child's efforts first.
For example, when a child learns to ride a bicycle and falls, parents have to say, "It's great that you're so brave to try!" Next time will definitely be better! ”
For example, when a child's test results are not satisfactory, parents can say:
"I see that you are very careful in completing every assignment, you have worked very hard! This result is just an accident, let's analyze it together! ”
Psychologist Seligman has proposed a term: psychological immunity.
It means that when a person encounters difficulties and solves them, an immunity will be born in his heart, and the next time he encounters similar difficulties, he will be more confident to solve them.
Frustration is the only way for every child to grow.
When frustrated, children who can be recognized by their parents for their efforts and support and encouragement will have the courage to face difficulties.
For the rest of his life, when he encounters setbacks, the child's heart is calm, not evasive.
Some people say that education has never been a long march of hardship.
Because good education is not that parents follow their children all the time, ears to the face, and bitter mouths;
It's about parents being able to observe and seize the most critical "teachable moments":
When a child does it right, the more praise the parent, the more the child does it right;
When children make mistakes, the more tolerant parents are, the more children can grow from them;
When a child is frustrated, the more encouraging the parents, the more courageous and confident the child is.
May every parent seize these "teachable moments" in life, so that education can be twice as effective with half the effort, and it will no longer backfire.