The daughter was diagnosed with "severe anxiety and moderate depression", which made Zhang Xin usher in a crisis in her life.
There is so much to learn. At first, the word "depression" was confusing. Zhang Xin can't understand, why is her child depressed? What went wrong? How should a child be cured? Without waiting for an answer, her daughter had already jumped off the track and offered to suspend school.
Zhang Xin did not want to complain to her friends, and her family did not fully understand, feeling like she had been "knocked down" overnight. In order to be able to "stand up", she went online, bought classes, looked for the same kind, and began a parent's self-help.
She also took her daughter to Dali, where a parent runs a teenage depression care center. Zhang Xin hopes that Dali's trip will beat depression.
Yang Tianyi took a picture of the sunset on the way back to the homestay. Photo courtesy of interviewee
Special trip
At the end of November 2022, when winter was approaching, Zhang Xin found a homestay at the south gate of the ancient city of Dali. The house is a typical local three-storey small building, and as soon as you enter the door, greenery fills the yard. Zhang Xin chose a south-facing room and spread out the quilt and sheets she had brought from home. Her favorite is the people in the homestay, where Zhang Xin often cooks and chats with her friend Li Jing and other residents. Everyone is a long-term resident here, paying room fees month by month, and the people are also friendly, which makes Zhang Xin feel "very warm" when getting along.
It was a special trip. Six months ago, Zhang Xin's daughter and Li Jing's son were plagued by depression and anxiety and chose to suspend school. In anxiety, the two post-80s mothers put aside their jobs and agreed to "take their children out" from their homes in Jiangsu and go to Dali to relax. At the same time, they also wanted to turn to another parent who lives in Dali, Pin Xi (pen name), whose daughter had been briefly depressed five years ago and successfully returned to school. Pin Xi suggested that children do a kind of "Tomatis" imported from abroad to help children improve their concentration and adjust their emotions.
Zhang Xin wakes up the earliest every day. At eight o'clock, a lot of sunlight was already shining in the room, and she observed the weather in the ancient city, and the sky was always clear. She thought about how nice it would be if her daughter was cured here after a few days.
Children generally fall asleep in the early morning and wake up in the middle of the day. Every day at one or two o'clock in the afternoon, Zhang Xin and Li Jing would make the meal and put it on the table. There is an open-air table in the courtyard of the homestay, and a few people are chatting and finishing the meal.
The only uncertain factor is the child's emotions. Once, while having lunch at a homestay, the residents on the first floor suddenly ran out to criticize them and asked to speak quietly. The hostess explained that this resident is particular and a bit calculating. His son Yiyu suddenly followed with a swear word. Li Jing did not speak on the side, feeling that such a scene was a little strange, and did not know how to answer it for a while.
Sometimes, Li Jing will also inadvertently poke the child's sensitive points. During the New Year, Li Jing and her son stayed in Dali. Her son's aunt came to visit, and Li Jing casually said to her son: "I took more than 10,000 yuan this month, and we may have to save a little." She didn't expect her son to burst into emotions, "Don't tell me about money, or I'll die." Li Jing didn't catch the child's words at that time, but just explained: "We are a community, and we just want you to know the current situation." The son replied, "Yes is yes, no is no, so you make me feel very burdensome." ”
In Dali, Li Jing found that her son's state was much more relaxed, the smile on his face became more, and he would put it on his shoulder to be coquettish. But at the same time, he also speaks more bluntly, likes to criticize Chinese education and social phenomena, and shows a cynical side. This is not very consistent with the image of good students and good children in the past. Before taking a break from school, Yiyu focused on the first year of high school in a city in Jiangsu, and he followed the steps every day, never letting his parents worry.
Zhang Xin also found that her daughter broke out emotionally from time to time, and seemed to have a lot of words in her heart. One evening, on the way back to the homestay, her daughter told Zhang Xin that she did not want to go back to her original junior high school, she was too tired, and wanted to study in an international school. Zhang Xin never thought that her daughter would take this path. The two stumbled a few words, and within a few minutes, Zhang Xin turned around and couldn't find the child's figure.
When he went to the Erhai beach with Zhang Xin to relax, Yang Tianyi took pictures of the scenery. Photo courtesy of interviewee
Zhang Xin looked back along the road he had walked, saw a figure on the dark path, like a daughter, and followed the shadow to the south gate of the ancient city, and saw her daughter sitting alone in the small park. Zhang Xin thought, "Forget it, this is your own child, bow your head." She approached her daughter and suddenly found that the child was crying very sadly. Zhang Xin hugged her unskillfully.
On two occasions, her daughter Yang Tianyi felt that Zhang Xin's speech was "very infuriating" and held her mother to talk from ten o'clock in the evening to one in the morning. Mother and daughter have never talked so deeply. Zhang Xin remembers sitting on the bed and her daughter sitting on the stool, talking and crying.
Yang Tianyi's heart knot was the first monthly exam in the second semester of junior high school, and she did the worst in that time, ranking 19th in the class in total. She caught up and finally finished 17th in the second monthly exam. But she didn't think there was anything to be happy about. After returning home, Yang Tianyi asked his mother for recognition, but the other party did not understand his meaning, and said lightly: "I have improved by two." In the third monthly examination, Yang Tianyi returned to the 19th place.
Under pressure, Yang Tianyi always felt that he was not ready to be a competitor. When taking mathematics, I was afraid of writing an incomplete test paper, and my palms and back were in cold sweat. Sure enough, the 150-point paper scored 108 points, and the difference of 18 points was a failure, which was equivalent to "the whole sky falling". The results of each subject of the monthly examination will be ranked separately, and the results of the ranking will be announced by the teacher on the spot. Every time the teacher read the first few seconds of the grade, Yang Tianyi felt "unable to breathe".
This serious girl felt a hint of despair: she woke up at 6 a.m. and went to bed at 12 p.m. every day, which was considered an effort, but her grades were declining. However, the family did not give enough care, and the fragments that flashed in her daughter's mind were all negative. She asked Zhang Xin: Why didn't I feel that you love me?
In Dali, Zhang Xin has learned a little about coping with children. She listened silently, then called for her daughter to sit down and hugged her.
Explore "Depression"
If it weren't for a phone call from her daughter's head teacher, Zhang Xin could hardly believe that "depression" had anything to do with her. It was last spring when the head teacher told Zhang Xin that her daughter was "very uncomfortable at school and asked to go home." Subsequently, in the psychiatric department of a third-class hospital in the city, Yang Tianyi was diagnosed with "severe anxiety and moderate depression". After receiving the medicine, my daughter immediately returned to school.
The second thing that surprised Zhang Xin was that taking medicine did not equal solving the problem. The daughter jokingly called the drug "Meng Khan medicine" because she slept all day after taking the medicine. On the days of taking medicine and attending class, Yang Tianyi summarized that he had "many problems and thieves": either he suffered from otitis media, deafness for a while, or boils on his body, or dizziness, vomiting at home, stomach pain. Zhang Xin also made several appointments for psychological counseling for her daughter, but Yang Tianyi gave up the therapy on the grounds that it was "too expensive and useless."
What kind of troubles the disease will bring to people, it is difficult for both mother and daughter to imagine. After learning about Yang Tianyi's condition, the teacher never criticized her for sleeping in class. But classmates began to talk about Yang Tianyi behind her back, calling her a "monster". Yang Tianyi always felt that the look in everyone's eyes was very strange. Several times, Yang Tianyi was troubled by interpersonal relationships in school, and at that moment, she had difficulty breathing and had to immediately run to the corridor to breathe. Zhang Xin received several calls from the head teacher, all describing the same thing - her daughter was uncomfortable at school and wanted to go home. Zhang Xin remembers seeing her daughter burst into tears as soon as she walked out of school.
But Zhang Xin discussed with the head teacher and still hoped that the child would stick to school. This is because her daughter's grades have always remained in the top 200 in the school, and if she continues to maintain it, she can directly enter the high school of the school after one year.
Contrary to expectations, in the final exam of the second semester of junior high school, my daughter suddenly suffered otitis on the day of the math test, and she was so painful that she didn't want to get up. The class teacher advised the child on the phone to complete all subjects as much as possible. This time, Zhang Xin saw her daughter lying on the bed without moving, like a silent protest.
Zhang Xin followed social media to join a WeChat communication group for parents of adolescent depression. Group leader Pin Xi is also a mother, she posted about how she helped her daughter get out of depression and return to school five years ago when she was diagnosed with a "major depression" state. In the WeChat group, many parents bluntly describe the current difficulties, all because their children are beginning to lose control.
It is common to say that children's routines are reversed day and night. Some people say that children do not leave the house, commit suicide all day long, and even children ask to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital. The group floated with the confusion and anxiety of parents. Having contacted nearly 1,000 parents, she observed a common dilemma: perhaps because of stigma, or perhaps because seeing a doctor is not effective, a family usually does not know how to go down, and most people are stuck in place. There are very few children who can stick to psychological counseling, less than 200.
Zhang Xin couldn't accept being stuck in place. She simply closed her small shop to make ends meet, and learned "adolescent depression" from scratch at home every day. During the summer vacation for two months, my daughter never left her bedroom, only coming out during meal time. Zhang Xin thought that she "turned day and night upside down and did not write homework", and advised her daughter to go to bed early several times, but the child refused irritably every time. After being severely scolded, Zhang Xin had to walk away in ashes.
Zhang Xin also met her mother Li Jing, who was also in Jiangsu, in the parent group, and the other party was also looking for a way to save herself. Li Jing saw the term "sunshine depression" in online materials, and once thought of her son.
As early as when he was in junior high school, his son was praised by the cram school teacher for "mature mentally early". During the middle school entrance examination, my son also gave himself a surprise and was admitted to a key high school in one fell swoop. Last year, when visiting a specialist psychological hospital, Yiyu filled out eight scales, including the Depression Self-Test Scale (SDS) and the Anxiety Self-Test Scale (SAS). After communicating with the doctor, the other party gave the diagnosis of "severe anxiety, moderate depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder". The doctor told Li Jing, "The child's condition is not serious, there is no problem in going to school, but it may be because the child is closed (himself) and is unwilling to face the stressor." ”
Li Jing worries that it is like "sunshine depression", a person giggling in front of others, but in private it is a different look. She can vaguely feel that her son has grown up in the past two years, and she actually does not understand what his spiritual world is like under the appearance of understanding.
Yiyu catches a rainbow. Photo courtesy of interviewee
For his son Yiyu, depression is first manifested in insomnia. In junior high school, Yiyu tasted the taste of not being able to sleep. He tried the "478 sleep method" on the Internet, inhaling for 4 seconds, holding his breath for 7 seconds, and exhaling for 8 seconds; Listening to music, it doesn't work. In recent years, he could only "sleep hard" - relying on willpower, usually shallow sleep after two hours.
Yiyu remembers that he used to "fall asleep with his eyes open" when answering questions in physics class, and that headaches would always be invaded by the first or second sessions of the afternoon every day. But in his own opinion, none of this is a problem. It wasn't until three months before the suspension that Yiyu really realized the power of insomnia.
At the beginning of the semester of high school, all courses were changed to online classes, and Yiyu felt that a screen divided the world into two halves, half was a competitive world, consisting of class schedules, self-study and exams, and half was his own bedroom. From seven o'clock in the morning, Yiyu sat down in front of the camera, read early, and turned off the camera until nine o'clock in the evening, announcing the end of the evening self-study. Yiyu is always unconsciously distracted, and several times he feels that he can't learn, and immediately begins to panic that he has left his homework. At night, insomnia worsened, and after hours of sleeplessness, Yiyu thought he had "fallen far behind."
The child is sick and the whole family needs to change
Suspension from school is Yiyu's own appeal. At the hospital, the doctor told Li Jing that her son's condition was not serious, and it was reasonable to take a break from school. Yiyu weighed the gains and losses - taking a year off from school may be able to put himself in a good state and continue to study; But barely going to school, it is likely to be left behind because of the wrong state, which is more painful.
After a successful break from school, this precocious child learns to hide himself even more. Yiyu lives in a three-generation family with his grandfather, grandmother, sister and parents. Li Jing has personally heard the old man teach his son to study hard, and the family will depend on you in the future. Li Jing hurriedly told her son that in the future, parents don't need to worry about you, it's enough for you to take care of yourself.
Gradually, his son began to communicate only with Li Jing on a single line. Three days a week, my son goes out for drawing lessons, sees friends, and goes for a walk in the evening. The rest of the time he spent all his time in his room, showing up only at meal time. The old man tried to call Yiyu out of the room to eat, but it didn't work.
In the outpatient clinic of the local psychiatric hospital, the doctor prescribed three drugs to Yiyu. Photo courtesy of interviewee
Every day after coming home from work, Li Jing first announced: "Son, mother is back", and then carefully listened to the tone of Yiyu's answer to see if he was happy today. After the meal was laid out and her son walked out of the room, Li Jing first observed her son's expression and then decided whether she spoke in a cheerful tone or an empathetic tone. The son barely smiled and was reluctant to agree.
Once, Li Jing jokingly tested her son: "Some children are depressed and will complain about various dissatisfaction with their parents, why do you never say that we are bad in front of us?" The son replied, I have nothing to say, I have finished talking to my friend.
From last year to now, a total of nine families have come to Dali for help. Pin Xi concluded that parents have similar needs, the first is not to understand what is wrong with the child, and the second is to let the child return to school early and continue learning. Behind the demand is the most common mentality of parents: the desire to transform their children so that they do not derail. Speaking of this, Pin Xi raised her voice and emphasized a little anxiously: "Parents should really wake up, they always want to change their children, but they don't understand that the first thing they need to change is themselves." ”
The taste of "awakening" is complex. Five years ago, Pinxi's daughter went to the hospital on her own and took back a diagnosis to show herself, which said "severe depression, moderate anxiety". At that time, Pin Xi was a hard-working Haidian mother, and her daughter was in the third year of junior high school in a city, and both of them worked hard. The diagnosis made Pin Xi "cry at home for a week", she could not accept that the child was sick, which meant that she had failed, misspelled, and her previous educational ideals were lost.
A phone call from the parents of her daughter's classmates brought Pin Xi to the other side of the problem. On the phone, the parent told her a detail: Recently, her daughter started crying as soon as she entered the school gate. This is mentioned in the children's chat logs. Pin Xi said that at that moment he seemed to understand one thing, in the matter of his daughter's illness, the subject was not himself, but his daughter. And in the end, the fate of the child and their own fate are not tied together, why is the child sick, parents do not care about what happened to the child, but feel that their life is suffering?
After her daughter came home from school that night, she said guiltily: If you feel uncomfortable, you can take a break from school. The child nodded immediately.
After perceiving the child's situation, Pin Xi believes that the task of parents is far from over. Accompanying her daughter to heal her emotions in the past five years has shown her that parents are also the only harbor for children. After the child is suspended from school, it is unknown whether he can grow a new self, explore a growth path that is more suitable for him, and whether he can really regulate his emotions. Pin Xi imagines that when parents give their children enough support, freedom and love, and let them live in an inclusive harbor, children can grow. Dali, perhaps, is a physical space that provides a sense of inclusion.
An effective healing also requires effective repair of growing wounds. Yu Honghua, a psychotherapist and former psychiatrist at Beijing Huilongguan Hospital, believes that psychological counselors should help children repair growth trauma and promote their personality growth. When parents cannot understand the child, the counselor should establish a relationship of trust with the child, assess whether the child is at risk of suicide, whether he has the ability to withstand pressure, etc., and give suggestions.
Lin Hong, a child psychiatrist at Peking University Sixth Hospital, believes that as the German dramatist Bertolt Brecht wrote in his poem: "Fruitless fruit trees are scolded for not bearing fruit, who has explored the barrenness of the land?" Broken maids, scolded for the decay of dead wood, is it not because of the weight of heavy snow? "The factors affecting children's mental health are complex, and children's psychological problems are often the result of the interaction of biological, psychological and social factors.
From the perspective of family therapy, when a child is sick, it is not enough to treat the child, the whole family needs to change. And the people driving change are often parents. It needs to be seen that parents are not only responsible for the parenting process, but also the one who discovers difficulties and helps children solve problems. Facing and solving problems means reflecting on one's own upbringing, family trauma and social culture, as well as bearing the pressure of current "involution". Lin Hong said that this is not an easy task, and parents need to be empowered to make them more capable of facing these problems.
Yu Honghua, a psychotherapist and former psychiatrist at Beijing Huilongguan Hospital, believes that psychological counselors should help children repair growth trauma and promote their personality growth. Photo/IC photo
Find ways to heal
In Zhang Xin's view, catching her daughter's emotions is a technique, and technology needs to be honed. Once, Yang Tianyi said after the lunch break: "headache", which attracted Zhang Xin's reproach. On the grounds of whether they should play with their mobile phones and nap everywhere during their lunch break, the mother and daughter began to argue. Yang Tianyi said that whenever a dispute occurs, his first reaction is to cry, the second reaction is to hate the other party very much, say ugly things to make the other party "roll", and the third reaction is difficulty breathing and stomach pain.
The "duel" between the mother and daughter continues. Yang Tianyi believed that Zhang Xin had finally apologized, but he had not changed it thoroughly, and his wounds had not yet healed.
When she felt stressed, Zhang Xin thought that she also needed healing, after all, the only pillar could not fall. She went to Dali's Internet celebrity attraction "S Bay of Dianxi Village" several times to ride a bicycle, sorting out her thoughts while cycling. Childhood memories come flooding back. She remembered that as early as when she was a child, she was accustomed to hearing her parents accuse and judge herself, and her childhood was unhappy. This time, she continued to ask, "But why has these unhappiness never let go of me for decades?" ”
Two years ago, Zhang Xin also went to the hospital to see the psychology department. It was two years ago, I was alone with my children, I worked two jobs a day, I went out in the morning, and I couldn't go home until twelve o'clock at night. Before going out, my daughter always pestered herself to play with her mobile phone, as if she had just entered a rebellious period, and always wanted to work against her parents.
On several occasions, she had panic attacks and fainted as if she were "sitting on a boat." The hospital prescribed medication to her and diagnosed her with an anxiety state. Adults have a strong ability to help themselves, she forces herself to calm down, read books, listen to music, or run at night, yoga, and pull herself back in time. At that time, he had a very hard temper, and he always had to "compare with the child", and the child would beat if he was disobedient. Zhang Xin felt sorry and wondered, where did her emotional problems come from? I have one thing in common with my daughter, both have trauma in their hearts, how to go down?
The more you ask, the more confusion you need to clarify, as if entering a new world. For the first time, she pondered the psychological concepts of "family of origin", "depression" and "trauma", and searched for resources on the Internet. Another parent she met online recommended her to read a book dedicated to the way parents communicate with their children, "Nonviolent Communication in Adolescence", which inspired her a little: "If he doesn't agree to your demands, don't be angry, you don't judge this matter."
Another mother, Li Jing, had a similar experience, saying she saw something more subtle. In Dali, Yi Yu always talked to Li Jing about the future, he has planned to go abroad for undergraduate studies and study in the field of fashion. Yiyu thinks this is the path he really wants to take. He reflected that his generation did not worry about food and clothing, and the quality of life was not low, but it was depressed. This may indicate that this generation is more focused on spiritual satisfaction. When spiritual needs are not met, you may feel uncomfortable. Li Jing understands her son's needs as "having a high pursuit of many things", such as music, food and fashion.
In early March, Yi Yu climbed to the top of Jade Dragon Snow Mountain alone. Photo courtesy of interviewee
How to grow up is also what Yang Tianyi cares about the most at the moment. She is 16 years old and dyes her hair red with the goal of finding something she loves. The most important thing is to be a good person. But she doesn't know where to go yet. She is still not relaxed about her requirements: "I have average grades and no artistic expertise, so I still have to study hard to continue." ”
In September, Yang Tianyi plans to return to school. One thing she found to make her feel good was travel. Travel gives people a sense of freedom, especially for children like myself who have been disciplined from an early age. She agrees with Zhang Jiajia's "Passing Through Your World" on the meaning of travel: "Even if I have to go back in a few days, I still go to work, I am still noisy, I am still upset, but I have a new view of the world." Even if nothing changes, at least, life is like a book, and my book has a few more coloring pages than others. ”
In early March, Zhang Xin and Li Jing took their children to Lijiang for a tour. All four people took oxygen cylinders to climb the Jade Dragon Snow Mountain, and Yi Yu had the best physical strength, climbing all the way to the top, 4680 meters above sea level. It was past four o'clock in the afternoon when we reached the summit, and there were fewer than ten tourists on the summit, the cold wind howling and the snow was white. Yiyu said that at that moment, he was in a good mood and felt "purified".
(At the request of interviewees, Zhang Xin, Li Jing, Yang Tianyi, and Yi Yu are pseudonyms)
Beijing News reporter Shi Runqiao Editor Chen Xiaoshu Proofreader Li Lijun