#家长百问百答 #
Children who are too honest tend to suffer more grievances and suffer more losses.
We teach children to be kind, but also to teach them not to be bullied, not to conform to the rules, to put their own feelings first, and to protect themselves.
Author | Plum walnuts
This video is heart-wrenching to watch.
An 8-year-old boy, uncomfortable in class, raised his hand again and again, wanting to ask the teacher for help.
But even if he held up to 34 seconds at a time, the teacher did not respond.
It wasn't until he raised his hand for the 7th time that the teacher walked over and exchanged a few words with him.
The boy's mother said that at that time, the teacher just asked the child to endure it and lay on the table to rest first.
After that, the boy obediently endured for 20 minutes until the end of class.
But at this time, his physical discomfort had made him uncomfortable and unable to walk independently, so he could only be supported by the teacher to walk down the stairs with difficulty.
In the process of going downstairs, probably exhausted, he fell on the corner of the stairs.
The parents arrived at the scene five minutes later, but the boy was already in a coma.
By the time the news broke, the boy had already died.
He was only 8 years old, and before he could appreciate the beauty of the world, the flower of life withered.
After the video broke, the whole network felt sorry for the well-behaved boy and condemned the teacher's irresponsibility.
More netizens said: "It's all uncomfortable like that, you don't need to pay attention to what others say you don't follow discipline?" Being alive is the most important thing. ”
But for a child, it takes great courage to openly contradict the teacher.
When I think of sending my child to school, I saw a parent say to my child: You must listen to the teacher at school, you know?
The child let out a heavy "hmm".
This is what many children are taught: to be obedient and honest.
But this tragedy has reminded thousands of parents that there are no absolutes, and teachers have too much to take care of, and they can't do everything.
Instead of telling your child to be obedient, teach him to protect himself.
It is necessary to inform the child: in some special cases, you do not need to be too well-behaved.
When you feel uncomfortable
Don't wait for the teacher's approval
Below the news of the Fuzhou boy, some netizens appeared with their own stories and said:
When he was a child, a teacher was very strict and would never allow him to go to the toilet during class.
He wanted to go to the toilet, afraid that the teacher would not agree, and he had cystitis!
One girl couldn't bear it, raised her hand a few times, and stood up to inform the teacher.
The teacher stopped: "If you are allowed to go, others will also go, then is there still order in our classroom?" ”
But the girl couldn't bear it, and finally pulled her pants up and ran out crying. The entire classroom was filled with an unpleasant smell, and the yellow marks on the back of her butt were clearly visible.
What's more embarrassing is that this incident was ridiculed by many classmates until graduation, and has become a childhood shadow for girls.
So parents should teach their children: respect the teacher, but do not have to obey everything.
When you are unwell, when your personal dignity is trampled on, when your life is threatened... You must bravely fight for your own rights and interests, and you don't have to wait for the teacher's approval.
More important than the authority of the teacher is one's own body, life and safety.
In case of emergency
Rules can be broken
Everyone has learned the story of "Sima Guang Smashing the Cylinder":
When Sima Guang was a child, he was playing in the yard with his friends, and a child climbed into the water tank and accidentally fell into it.
The tank was so deep that the child could not climb up and was about to drown.
Other children, either crying in fright, or rushing to an adult to call for help.
Only when Sima Guang picked up a large stone and smashed the big cylinder did the child be saved in time.
Adults may teach children that in the future, we must be calm in everything we do, be good at thinking, abide by order and rules, and not sabotage.
But we also have to tell our children: in an emergency, you can break the rules and smash the so-called "cylinder".
In case of dangerous things, such as fire, earthquake, etc., you can break the glass, break the desk, and escape first.
When you encounter human traffickers, you can yell, make a fuss, kick, bite... As long as you can protect yourself, you can use it.
Let children know that bad people can be deceived, and they can be brave and unruly in the face of danger.
Because the most important thing for you is to be responsible for yourself first.
Learn to say no to things you don't want to do
Even your teachers and classmates
One thing is said in the documentary "Cold and Warm Life":
Deputy class leader Xiaoci began to check homework and supervise endorsements to classmates since the second grade, and no one dared to offend him.
Xiao Ci's boldness grew and began to ask the children in the class for pocket money. Everyone did not dare to refuse, otherwise he would distort the facts and make a small report to the teacher.
Xiaoci is getting more and more serious, whoever does not give enough pocket money will be beaten and forced to eat and drink urine...
Recall Mrs. Roosevelt's words: "No one can hurt you unless you agree." ”
Therefore, parents must let their children understand that everything you are unwilling to do must be clearly rejected the first time, otherwise you are giving others a second chance to hurt themselves.
Without understanding this, children often cannot escape tragedy even when they grow up.
Tao Chongyuan, a graduate student at Wuhan University of Technology, committed suicide by jumping off a building because he was "oppressed by his mentor Wang Pan for a long time, forced to call his mentor's father, buy food and clean for his mentor, and was prevented from further his studies by his mentor".
Although the mentor compensated and apologized afterwards, Tao Chongyuan, who was young, never came back.
Parents should respect their child's right to say "no" and allow him to have his own opinions and ideas.
Otherwise, the child will only be aggrieved in the future, and even pay the price of his life.
You can't lose verbally
The momentum cannot be broken
Most of the time, the harm to children is not necessarily beating and scolding, but more covert bullying.
A child named Tiantian said that this kind of injury between classmates is particularly terrifying:
Giving someone an ugly nickname, playing a prank, pulling someone else's chair when sitting down, isolating a classmate, pretending to accidentally bump into someone on purpose...
If the child directly refutes, he will also be said to be "petty" and "I didn't mean it", which makes people bitter and unable to speak.
At this time, it is necessary to teach the child to enhance the momentum and learn some physical and verbal counterattacks.
When nicknamed by classmates, you can teach children to look each other in the eye, raise the volume, and loudly retort: "You are XX (nickname)!" "What you say others are, you are yourself!"
Catherine Dipinault, Doctor of Education, also proposed that for those who love to bully, stand up straight and talk in a loud voice and sharp tone.
This kind of high-decibel dialogue is more likely to attract the attention of others, and in order to avoid trouble, the other party will often retreat.
In short, we must teach children to strengthen their own aura and not lose in momentum.
When encountering humiliation and denigration
Brave to reply
Family psychologist Gerard Patterson did an experiment.
He recorded 2583 "attacks" of kindergarteners and found:
Children who do not fight back after being attacked will be bullied again next time, and become more and more fearful and cowardly with the other party's repeated attacks.
Children who immediately fight back after being attacked or look for adult help, the attacker will retreat, or bully with a different object.
Children who fight back immediately after being attacked and succeed will be able to protect themselves more courageously and persist in resisting behavior after the next attack.
This shows that bullying is common among children. If the child does not resist in time, he will suffer more damage.
Therefore, parents usually have to educate their children: when encountering attacks, humiliation, and slander, they must respond at the first time.
This is not to teach children to calculate, but to defend their dignity, which is a sign of bravery.
At the same time, we must also praise those children who dare to "scare" adults.
There is a teacher in Shaanxi who likes to scold and humiliate children a lot between words.
The scolded child could not bear the bullying, and although he did not dare to fight back with the teacher, he told his parents in time.
After the parents negotiated with the school, they helped the child get justice.
That's what fighting back is all about.
"Ability" to defend oneself is a matter of competence. But "dare or not", this is a matter of attitude.
Instead of teaching their children "don't cause trouble", parents should teach their children to "not be afraid of things".
Sharing is not wronging yourself
Fulfill others
Many parents will encourage their children to share, or even give their beloved snacks or toys to others against their will.
In fact, this is to tell the child in disguise that your feelings are not important, others are important.
Parents who truly love their children will tell him that the premise of sharing is to satisfy oneself first.
This is not "uncultured" and "impolite", but teaches him to love himself.
Adler said:
"People need this courage to dare to be themselves despite being hated, so that they can escape the shame of not being able to be themselves and achieve true happiness."
If your child is not willing to share, do not feel faceless, as if you do not understand the upbringing.
On the contrary, we should rejoice in the child's self-respect and self-love. Because every life does not exist to please others.
The premise of cultivating a son into a warm man is to let him warm himself first before he has the power to illuminate others.
The premise of avoiding your daughter becoming a "post-it girl" is to let her please herself first, and then help others.
It doesn't hurt to let your child think more about himself.
Not everyone can be friends
You don't need to compromise on everything
There is a concept of "social identity" in psychology, which says that people instinctively seek identity and integrate into the group.
This is a disaster for children who are not good at socializing.
In the Korean movie "Our World", the girl Li Shan's family is not good and her studies are ordinary; The other girl, Zhiya, has no parents and is a transfer student, and both are eager to integrate into the class.
In order to make friends with the most popular girl Paula, they did a lot of things against their will:
Doing duty for her, cleaning classrooms, betraying her friends, being teased by Paula many times but trying to please her...
Their grievances were exchanged for Paula's intensified isolation.
Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D. in child psychology, once reminded parents:
The more a child is influenced by his peers, the more hurt he will be when he encounters indifference, rejection, and isolation from his peers.
Therefore, parents should pay attention to their children's friendship in time.
Once you find that a friend makes the child anxious, inferior, and sad, tell the child in time: if you can't play together, don't force yourself.
Because you will meet many people on the way to growth, everyone's preferences and personalities are different, don't be extravagant to please everyone.
Instead of pandering to others who have wronged themselves, it is better to focus on people who are really at the same frequency as themselves.
Mark Twain once said, "It is not ignorance that gets us into trouble, but fallacious assertions that seem correct." ”
Those children who would rather be wronged themselves than dare to trouble their teachers and fight back against their classmates are often indoctrinated with too many seemingly correct fallacies such as "you must be kind, be sensible, be well-behaved, and obedient" from an early age.
What they really need to know is that you have to learn to take care of yourself.
Parents who truly love their children will not let their children "compromise for perfection", endure physical and psychological discomfort and wait for the salvation of others.
Instead, let him know that things that make you uncomfortable can be stopped immediately.
You can be brave and express yourself, it doesn't matter if you say badly, Mom and Dad will always support you.
You just have to be yourself, and that's it.