Outside the window where the car drove, I was not familiar with the scenery, and it was strange to say, they were only a few tens of miles away from the area I knew, but I completely stepped into another realm. These landscapes can only be enjoyed "every time" during the rush to the airport, plus today is only the first... How many times? That's single digits anyway. Most ordinary people like me have spent their lives curled up in a small world where they are familiar enough to get tired, and when they have a little farther away, they subconsciously fall into the marginalized zone, do not want to get involved, and dare not take a difficult first step. If someone steps on a new land, they will instinctively try to integrate into the local area, preferably in every way, and then settle down. People's desire for stability and fear of change are carved into the genes, which I deeply feel. Not to mention the road leading to the airport, the city where I stayed longer after I left home, and I was only active day and night in the area around office buildings and rental houses, and my knowledge of other place names was limited to subway station names. I don't have the time or energy to understand these two thousand square kilometers of big cities, plus I don't feel necessary. I've asked some locals if they're occasionally unfamiliar with the city, if there's a place they haven't heard of at all, or if they've heard of it but never been, and the answer is yes. In the homeland where I have been staying for nearly twenty years, how many corners I can only look at are the corners and corners of the foreigners, such as the window in front of me, of course, to some extent, I am a foreigner, a foreigner who has returned to my hometown. Unlike the drive from the outskirts back to the county seat, this journey passed through the bustling center of the county town, and later became more deserted, with only misty tea plantations and sparse farmhouses. The flashing time in front of the car is displayed: 18:28. It was a very ordinary dusk without any emotion, but I smelled countless desolate breaths, not about the scenery, only about myself.
Nothing special, nothing special, a person who was nothing special, sat in a car that was equally nothing special and drove towards the airport. He must have been surrounded by people who were about to take the plane, rushing to various places in the east, west, south, and north to see the scenery they wanted to see, to do what they wanted to do, to meet the people they wanted to see—which sounded interesting and full of expectation, but he had no interest in eavesdropping or peeping—along the way, hearing their conversations, seeing their trolley boxes, but he could not remember anything. Because he does not have any of these three impulses, he is just himself, living in this world, nothing more. He remembers a definition that reads: "Compliance produces an expectation of compliance, and an expectation of a compliant behavior produces a compliance." I call this phenomenon 'convention'.". Going to work, leaving work, eating, sleeping, he lived according to the custom, never took a step, and had no value judgment, perhaps because of this, he was ordinary, not worth mentioning. Now, after years of confusion, he gradually realized that the things he took for granted were not all reasonable, and that the common sense of "common sense" also had a considerable part of the distortion.
A gust of dead leaves swept across his cheeks, the pain was stronger than the feeling of cold, the sky was getting colder, and along this cold road, it seemed that it was about to be the New Year. There is no "seem", there is not so much paradox, and everyone must cross the threshold of "year". There is no new or old days, yesterday is naturally old today, tomorrow is always new compared to today, but Chinese New Year's Eve to the first day of the first year is a boundary, even if you pretend not to see, the surrounding others and atmosphere will also give you a strong reminder: the New Year. He has always hated all the festive atmosphere of all the lights, and whitewashed an ordinary day into a gorgeous "festival", and it is difficult not to be wrapped up in it. He remembered that when he was a child, the New Year, the family always held their breath, saved their strength, bet on the time, and bought it in advance, so they finally passed the year, the red-hot Chinese Year, step by step. The faces of men and women he knew, the tired and excited expressions, he couldn't understand. So later, at least for ten years, he no longer had a sense of ceremony to celebrate the New Year, but only as an ordinary rest day. The sun shines into the house, sleeps until it wakes up naturally, gets up to eat a meal, and continues to do its own thing. Everything outside the window had nothing to do with him, he was just an outsider covered by the roof and hiding in his dark room, cleaner and more comfortable. The smiling faces full of joy and the family watching the Spring Festival Gala only appeared in his childhood memories that flashed by chance. As he grew up, he became more and more aware of the daily activities of Chai Mi Oil and Salt and the emotions that people were keen to discuss, such as whether Zhang San loved Li Si, and whether Li Si was optimistic about their relationship... The consequence of paying too much attention to the short and trivial interpersonal relationships of these parents is that it only surveys the well-known and uninvited public areas of the mental world, ignores the self-part that occupies a larger proportion of life, and ignores the complex mental activities of a person who is alone or in a crowd. As a result, life is reduced to a rag, washed and dried, dirty and washed again, washed and washed, endlessly. The inner monologues of reading, thinking, and being in a daze are not invincible to the ups and downs of life, old age, illness and death; the weight of poetry, fantasy, and dreams is not inferior to the daily routine of eating and drinking Lazar. In fact, people are not always trapped in inextricable relationships with others, struggling in love or swaying in the love network, a kind seed of great joy and great compassion and energy, encountered in reality, always make him feel afraid.
It was dark, not now, but he was aware of it. In most cases, when an event first happens, people are unaware, and when they come back to God, they will think that this has just happened, but in fact, this "has happened" state has lasted for a long time. The moment he stepped into the terminal, he looked back at the county town for the last time. Maybe not the last glance of his life, but he hoped it was. His father had died, and the last link that had to be involved was severed, and he did not use any excuse to stay here any longer. The so-called hometown is just a caravan where the ancestors settled, only those who are well mixed have the leisure to remember the homeland and reminisce about the past, and a mediocre person who is not worth remembering, no matter how far-fetched, is just a grain of dust carried away by a car driving away from the homeland, the farther away the better, it is best not to appear again. Suddenly he felt that he was extremely absurd, since he had long realized this, what was the purpose of this trip, and what was his wish to see his father's last glance? No, in vain, he wasted the time he had spent with his broom and the few bank card balances left, he regretted why he accidentally learned of his father's death, where are there so many "accidents"? If this person does not want to know, he will not know it under any circumstances, and if he wants to know, he does not dare to admit it, and he knows, so he uses the pretense of "accidental" and "accidental" to cover his eyes and ears and pretend to be an innocent victim. At this point, he was quite disgusted with himself.
The terminal building was still brightly lit for twenty-four hours, and when he passed the "Master Kong Private Beef Noodles", he stopped, he knew that a bowl of beef noodles here could reach several bowls outside, and when he was almost about to step inside, he asked himself: Are you really so hungry? Why is it that you are so hastily captured by appetite, and feel that you have been wronged without surrendering your weapons? If this bowl of noodles can't survive without eating, then everything must be eaten, but it is far from that level, why stop? Are you that rich? Think of Master Kong's bucket noodles in my backpack... It's all Master Kang, it's all dry food. At the very end of the waiting hall, near the boarding gate, he sat down, like a loose human skeleton, stacked stiffly on the cold seat, and eight hours later, he assembled the alum on his own, step by step, to the door, and flew away. Closing his eyes, he plugged in his headphones, still the country song, which was his favorite formula for happiness, because there was no need to think. When listening to a song, let your mind be dragged by the singer, and although you are paralyzed, despite your depravity, it will get used to you until you step into the musical world it wants to present to you. But at this moment, even this cheapest way to relax was deprived of his kind of cubs. Two six- or seven-year-old children were running and chasing around him, he frowned and kept dodging, and the adults seemed to automatically filter their noise not far away, and it was true that discipline or not was their freedom. He wanted to find a quiet place to continue strolling through the country world, but at the moment of assembling the skeleton, he found that he was surrounded by black pressed passengers. He had nowhere to go.
So now, he takes off his headphones, changes his role, and is a family drama audience, which is a chore for a person who can't watch any TV dramas at all as an adult. The pair of parents, many of them, seemed to spring up suddenly, and unlike his dull skeleton, their life-filled figures were active in the hall, no doubt inspired by an oracle called "hope," and the source of this "hope" was the children who were upsetting him at the moment. Life was meaningless, and when they were young, they didn't realize it, and they giggled every day, as if the shining "hope" had been waving to them from a distance. Life is tedious day by day, and they gradually realize their mediocrity and the meaninglessness of life. One day, by chance, almost religious fertility cults, continuation of one's own genes, or, most commonly, the "obedience instinct", without any thought, "Do you not marry or have children?" Wonderful! Something's wrong, right? Life is too much of a failure and too boring, right? So the child was born. After that, at least for quite some time, they thought that life had come back to life. The child reflects his own shadow, allowing them to see another possibility of their ordinary life again, and they see the child as their hope. Finally, one day, they complained to their children that life is no longer meaningful, life is no longer hopeful, but they don't know life, life... Everything is "meaningful", and "hope" is never just a hypothesis - not really unaware, just pretending not to know, having a number in mind, nothing more than an indictment of the mediocrity of children, as in the past, now, and as always with themselves. "What's wrong with you when I gave birth to you?" I don't know thanks, in the past people were still ten or eight born, want to fight for their own money, our family does not have that condition, I can not give you! Or will you condemn me?" "The obedience instinct" doesn't need a reason, you just have to accept the facts, which is similar to the pimp culture. In the past, people had children almost half of their lives, and the more they gave birth, the more labor force they had, the marginal benefits of childbirth increased, and even used this to complete the class transition. Modern society is no longer a small-scale peasant economy based on family units, and people with a little resource are crowded together, and some people are destined to be squeezed out and die in three generations. People who came from the agricultural era and the era of early industrialization were deeply closed and stubborn, and they did not realize this. As a result, the child who is no longer a child remains silent, because the response also has no "meaning", he has long seen through the meaninglessness of all this, and accepted the reality that "he is an ordinary person". He knew that he would not have any children, because he did not want to continue to transfer the feeling of powerlessness to another person who had no choice, forcing him to start all that had happened to him, and he also had a so-called "blood relation" with himself— a thing that had been cherished for thousands of years but was quite absurd. The only thing he can do to resist reality is not to let the person he may still "love" come to this world to suffer, and his dangling shell cannot bear to raise that innocent child, and it is extremely difficult to take care of himself. What are bloodlines and genes? What's the point of staying? The end is all towards the end. His existence was only accidental, not the hard work of his ancestors to bring him into this world. Human civilization is the result of a small number of excellent people and countless ordinary people, but it does not make much difference to take out one person and one more and one less. Gene continuation and then the emergence of reproductive instincts, satisfaction, pleasure, etc. are the products of gene continuation, are driven by it, all human desires are, do not put the cart before the horse. You are ordinary, maybe your child is not ordinary, obedience or rebellion against instinct, first examine yourself: "Unexamined life is not worth living." "The child is not hope, he is himself, the living self is."
He didn't know how he was going to live in the future, he couldn't escape the various instincts he was born with in his life, but he was still thinking about a person who didn't exist, and he really committed the common disease of human love to think. There is no lust, no grudge, no attempt to beautify the desperate human situation, and the silent man always does... Passive, and then ignored, one of its ends is to suffer losses, dumb losses. Whether it is physical or mental suffering, such as him, a middle-aged man who has left home twenty years ago and is now unable to walk and breathe, his experience outside has never been humane, like his empty rental house and clean circle of friends. There is a statement to exist, and no matter how conclusive the facts are, the person concerned does not say that it did not happen, so some idle people, whether they are related to him but he is respectful, or have nothing to do with him and are not qualified to talk about him, think that he is not bad, at least, not so bitter. He had done his best to cut the delicate connection with the world, but when he more or less intentionally or unintentionally learned of these distorted depictions of himself directly or indirectly, he remained silent again and again, without a word of explanation or rebuttal, and the occasional unconscious bitter smile on his face would make the other party think that he was acquiescing. On this side, he knew that there was no change in this life, and his opposite, the kind of person with distinctive characteristics, he knew two: his father and his ex-wife. Perhaps these two people who had never met before were by no means the most distinctive superhuman, but it just so happened that he was more familiar with them and had more contact. When he was a child, whenever his parents quarreled over almost the same issue, his father would always count his "hardships in this life", he had not had a good day since he was a child, how he was abused by his grandparents in his childhood, how poor his family was, it was easy to live in a fund-raising house in the county town, and he was running around all day, how much effort he had paid for this family, he could not spare even a moment, so that he delayed a certain grand cause of his own, and ruined his talent in a certain field... At this time, the mother was always silent, even in the background of the opposite madman falling east and west, this cowardly woman did not confess her real suffering past and the violence she was suffering, "she should be a dumb", at that time, hiding in the room, he glimpsed this scene from the crack of the door, firmly inferred, but ignored the high probability event that "dumb children are also likely to be dumb". At the end of the quarrel, the father continued to hum a little song in the courtyard to do nothing, or crouched in front of the TV to see the late night, at this time, he forgot the so-called suffering life he exhibited to the outside world a few hours ago, and even showed a proud look of schadenfreude about the unfortunate encounter of a person next to him or on the screen, "I have never suffered any hardship in my life, this kind of day is really unimaginable, I really don't know how this so-and-so survived", and sometimes rose to a certain high level of irony that satisfied himself, "Human vitality is really tenacious, People who can suffer hardships are too powerful, I can't, I have no great ambitions since I was a child, but I have always been smooth sailing, and I have no heart and eyes, alas, this is really fate..." This is the truth, complaining all day about his super tired father, but there is no factual basis to support, but it is normal work, how busy can a small clerk be? The family did not live well because of his "tiredness", and it was not false that he could eat and go to school. He didn't know where the money his father earned was spent, the house was not bought, he never traveled during the winter and summer vacations, he never even ate a McDonald's, and the magic was that his father never lacked money for drinking, taking a taxi and changing a new mobile phone. "Didn't you just say how about your 'suffering in this life'?" He thought that his mother would quickly make up for this fatal sentence, and he had organized it for her. But the mother, still doing her own thing with no expression, perhaps she understands that when this impeccable rhetorical question is uttered, the other party will immediately fall into an unjust place, and a new old quarrel will be inevitable again. Once in junior high school, he did not do well in the exam, and told his father: "If I am not studying in high school, I will go directly to Shenzhen to work", and my father agreed: "If you want to work, you can go now, you don't have to go to school, and you don't have to spend my money anymore." Later, his father mentioned this many times, and he knew that his father was not joking, because his father always felt that he was a great hero of the family, and he and his mother were only spending money. Now think about it, if he really came to Shenzhen to work at that time, there is a high probability that he will have a better life than now. People like fathers go to work with a sense of ceremony, repeat, and endlessly stand still; after work, they can continue endless entertainment, because the "cause" that can only make a living during the day is unashamedly free to move through this home. In the hallway, in the bedroom, in the living room, they laughed wildly and talked sensationally. There are no requirements for yourself, you have to get by, you can eat enough, no longer bother to think about the future, think about some embarrassing topics that others ask about you can't answer, so that you retire early for your body and mind, cherish the sparse feathers more and more, and look forward to living a "better and better day" that does not exist as soon as possible. "I really regret that I gave birth to you, if it weren't for you, I would have been relieved a long time ago", "If I had died a long time ago, why wouldn't you have crashed to death..." After the death of his mother, his father quickly continued the string, and he quickly transferred his anger towards marriage to him, and a declaration of life and death like this ran through his nearly ten years from elementary school to the college entrance examination, and he was only silent when he was a minor. Out of instinct, he is afraid of death, he does not want to die so early, and he does not know where else to go after leaving this home, is he really going to Shenzhen to work? He still lacked some courage.
After many, many such contradictory days, he also inexplicably married. There is nothing to say, he found that the role he and his wife played in this marriage farce was clearly the archetype of his parents at that time - he was the mother, and the wife was the father. It is a pity that the wife's fluent eloquence is not a speaker, not to engage in politics and business, and the other party can find a clever entry point for debate in everything to prove that she is correct, motivated, pays more than returns, and exchanges efforts for a successful life, completely forgetting that she is throwing a bag full of tea and snacks and sitting on the sofa chasing drama, laughing, "A life is so short, born as a person, is to enjoy it", this is her life creed hanging on her lips. On the other hand, he is serious and serious, and comes from a small town, regards reading as his duty and pleasure as a sin, and is lost in the crowd, humble like a clown. freely! freely? He returned home in ashes. He wanted to hide, alas, what was he hiding? ridiculous! Hiding around is not still a geggy bedroom.
"Don't run, are you ADHD?" The running child was finally stopped by his mother's scolding, and I was finally able to calm down, and I also sensed a somewhat difficult truth: the mother did not suddenly realize that she should educate her child, after all, the child had been making trouble for a long time. The instant outburst of her emotions had nothing to do with the child, but something else stimulated her, and she had nowhere to vent, so the child who was still a little related to her became the object of her dredging, just like when she was a child, my father had nowhere to go in the face of life and marriage, so I became the punching bag that was willing to scold. I knew that soon the mother would be distracted by other things, so the child would only be quiet for a moment—a situation that had become commonplace in his life at the age of six or seven. I was pulled back to reality by this woman's loud voice, which I was actually a bit back on, but soon I found myself with nothing to do. When I am alone, I can't help but reminisce about the past, even if it has been quite painful for me, and time has passed, and I have gained satisfaction through the secret happiness of "it's good that I got out earlier", because it is at least much more comfortable than sitting in a room with another person or a few other people. Silence is the self-preservation of introverts, but at some point in the past, I was inclined to be a pleasing extrovert. I always unconsciously "mmmmm", "haha", saying some insincere vernacular words that the other party may want to hear, I despise myself at that time, but my mouth still keeps popping out of those boring words, and my body seems to be nailed to the seat, I dare not get up, I dare not break this "harmonious" communication atmosphere. Even though I realized early on that most of the communication between people is a pile of nonsense, because the response from the output of valuable or true ideas is far from the expected value, and even in exchange for misunderstandings and hostility, "Yes, this is it!" "It's already like this, don't say it's useless!" "I would like to ask, what is useless? What is useful? Empathy has always been a scarce thing, and talking nonsense is always safe, but also to enhance feelings, set off the atmosphere, seem lively and extraordinary, why not enjoy? This is how relationships are sustained. I remember when I was in college, my roommates, who were inseparable from each other in class and dinner, never contacted each other in the winter and summer vacations, and continued to act together tacitly after the school started. In the first two years of graduation, I and a few students who had a good relationship with the university maintained a relationship by sending out paragraphs to chat, and after a long time, everyone was tired and bored, and now the only person who is still in contact is Zeng Yu. The new stage of life no longer intersects, returns to the original class, gradually disperses along their respective tracks, in the end, just returns to the original state, everything is the same - because everyone originally met randomly at a certain life node, after separation, they are still strangers before the encounter, entering middle age, and even recalling their youth seems to be pretentious. Today I still remember the face of my college classmate, but I can't remember his name—so-and-so. Intimate relationships are even more so, with frivolous and chatty car rutted words filling almost all of family life. A silent man who does not want to talk nonsense will not get too close to anyone; a person who is afraid of trouble with others and therefore never takes the initiative is doomed to be a hundred years of solitary numerology—of course, this is exactly what they want. As for Zeng Yu, it was an accident, we are not a type of person, it can be said that he is a completely opposite of me, whether it is personality or background, strangely enough, we can go very close: we know each other well enough, and our views on some things are surprisingly consistent. In college we are a department, and we will always meet in class, just nodding friends. After graduation, he once came to Shenzhen on a business trip, about ten years ago, and it turned out that it was at a company where I was stationed at that time, and I stayed there for less than two weeks. Surprised, we recognized each other and went to the cafeteria together, but we didn't eat together in college. He told me that he stayed in Yunnan after graduation, bought a house there and got married, and I told him about my situation without concealment, I thought we should never meet in the future, to be honest, nothing, did not think that this small talk actually talked about my only friend. I told him that I was divorced, and I didn't plan to remarry, and now I still rent a house in Shenzhen, he listened, held the coffee in his hand, actually laughed, he said it was nothing, he actually envied me a little, I said you don't joke, I have nothing, just barely live, he laughed again, said: "Of course you don't understand, I didn't expect to talk to the original department today for so long, or so accidental." "We left contact information for each other and said goodbye. I can't imagine that the long-term problem solver is actually a bully in the eyes of others, and sometimes I think that if I graduated and took the graduate school, and really studied all the way down, what would be the end? It will be better than now. Many poor students who have read for many years, after graduation, find that the house price has increased many times more than two years ago, six years ago or eight years ago, obviously just need but is likely to become a chasing man, of course, on the talent and pattern, they did not lose - the truth that is seriously told is a bit ironic, it is ridiculous. For so many years, between me and my friend, I can keep silent for a while, but this will not hinder the next time of honesty, no nonsense, no greetings, no deliberate, not so tired. I've seen too many relationships that bend their posture to please each other to deliberately maintain relationships, and as a bystander, I'm tired of watching.
"Oh, can you please shut up?" The loud but intimidating command once again aborted my memory. There are really people who are not as stoic as I am, mercilessly smashing the original friendly air and telling the nasty guy next to me: Shut up! Opposite, there was a student-like couple, sitting side by side, one chattering, one dumbfounded, like Camus's train couple: "The little couple on the train." Both don't look good. She pulled him along, laughing and moaning, coddling, teasing him. And he, with his eyes blank, was embarrassed to be loved in public by a woman he was not proud of. The only difference is that many years later, the man confessed his impatience and disgust, letting the other party know the truth of "actually I hate you". Even if it is not to the point of hate, many times, the couple is "actually I don't like you so much", and being with you is only because you are more suitable for the role of the "other half", and it will not be shameful to take it out, but you are definitely not the kind of person I will actively approach.
I admired the warrior, looking down at the silent backpack, I took out the notebook and wrote down this line - this is a loose-leaf book that has accompanied me for many years, it was born privately from the time when my father tore up the manuscript paper, and carrying it with me is one of the strange habits I have retained to this day, after all, now I use pads or something, and there are fewer people writing with pen and paper. It is difficult for me to explain this kind of behavior, perhaps because writing can record the uneven emotions and self-torture of a silent person at any time. If the tip of the pen is strong enough to pierce the paper, through the words of the wordless line, I can glimpse the writer's anger and restlessness at that time--trying to get rid of the predicament and change the status quo but unable to do anything; and if the dragonfly gently traces the light handwriting, it is only the momentary feeling created by the writer recording the rich set - because it does not take a minute or even tens of seconds for this fleeting consciousness to flow without a trace. Intense and gentle merge between words, eventually staying at a stable neutral value. I saw a small man, sometimes surfing alone in the rough waves of emotion, sometimes strolling down the silent beach, and suddenly he looked up, unimpressed, featureless, and I saw him with the same pale face and purple lips as I did—we are all silent supporting roles on the stage of life. I know myself as well as just imprinting this line in this silent script, rather than interpreting it on the real stage. Life for me will always be a silent background, writing, but can witness my existence, prove that I am still alive - although I have not embraced the mountains, rivers, lakes and seas, but there is a pen to bid farewell to the cage, and only in the pen, the stone of life can be transformed into poetry. As an adult, I ordered myself not to have any more emotions, to put it away and hide it, so that it would be a notebook that would never be made public, it would give up its resonance but exchange it for freedom, its hidden life implied my frank confession, and it was full of strange messy words. I wandered freely in the map of my soul, stretching the stiff limbs of reality curled up in horror; I did not have to explain to anyone what I had written, nor did anyone forcibly push open the fragile door of the mind and ask me: What are you writing? ridiculous! I weep or snide, talk or lyrically, I am as emotional in my notebook as a teenager, and in reality I continue to stage the rationality of adults. And the part of the speech that is made public in any form on any occasion is not enough to show my true heart, but nothing more than some insignificant group of words and sentences, which can be destroyed with the end of life. The pain of illness, the hopelessness of hope, the powerlessness of effort... All that makes me cry in my dreams is mine. With tears in my eyes, I woke up sadly and walked to my desk, where I still had a pen—writing was mine, too. Just writing the dream I just had can be a reason to live. I love it, I only love it, is this lucky or sad? I don't know, but I know it will never abandon me, and I will always write in silence in this silent room, even if my pen is so absurd!
The ears gradually quieted down, and no matter how energetic the body, it would be sleepy. This night, I hardly slept much, but I was not sleepy, a man with closed eyes, I don't know if he was asleep or awake, like sometimes, a silent soul, I don't know if it was dead or alive. Perhaps, waking up in dreams, living in the imagination, and not clinging to deconstructing life with the various actions of the body when awake, can eliminate the gap between the two, no longer distinguish between dreams and reality - this sounds quite absurd, but what in the world is not absurd? What is particularly absurd is that dreaming also requires energy, and there must also be a bed for dreaming. At present, after returning to Shenzhen, the single room I rented in the urban village will expire in one and a half months, and I am looking for a new place, which is the first floor of an old residential area. I went to see once, the house is livable, but the quality of the household has long been moved, the occupants continue to replace the lower floor, and now only the retired elderly and foreign tenants like me are left. It is estimated that the extremely low property fees are not collected, the property will also sweep the garbage sprinkled water to do these most basic maintenance, pipeline seepage, floor tile cracks, winding network cables exposed in the corridor, the wall skin has long been peeled off, the living experience will naturally not be much better. The agent looked at me hesitant to pay the deposit, told me that although the house is old, but the quality is not bad, it can not be, the location is in the old city, the demolition is difficult, the developer will not come to get the land, the government will not develop the new land no longer demolish the old and build the new, at most the original renovation of the old, if I plan to live for a long time, the rent will be pressed to the lowest for me. I laughed, long stay? I don't know how long I can stay in Shenzhen, how long my dispensable job can be done, how long I can live as a person. Just staying in the square inch bucket room, what community can not be demolished, the house does not collapse, the land value is not valuable, how can I not worry about whether after the expiration of seventy years of property rights will not renew the lease of land but re-auction, the three wars will not be fought tomorrow, and will human society be destroyed? These grand narratives are too far away from me, and I didn't pay the deposit immediately just because I hadn't paid my salary this month. "This house can also be inhabited?" I was also half-convinced, but now I tell you, any house can be inhabited. No matter how dilapidated, this house is also many times stronger than the previous urban village, at least I don't have to commute back and forth for three hours a day, the hot water is a little colder but at least I can take a bath, the Internet speed is slower, at least I can get internet, and the upstairs is noisy... I still have earplugs, and I'm really not so picky. I didn't even have the idea of looking at a few more houses, climbed up and down, asked east and west, and then shopped around... Tired, really tired. In the unit, only promise to be cautious in words and deeds, afraid of being fired by the boss, going home to observe the meter numbers every day, worried about being pit by the landlord if he is not careful. I don't want to recall the tediousness of renting, moving is even more torturous, bottles and cans are sorted out and packed, the truck carries me and large bags of snakeskin bags, all the way to the ding, that scene is like a farmer rushing to the street, funny! In the past, my body was really made! Fortunately, I'm a man – how ironic is that? I have been able to dissolve many treaties on gender referral for quite some time, like the identity of "male", is it an advantage or a shackle to me? I do not know. I remember when Zhang Luo got married, Lin Sui was surprised that I couldn't even make up the down payment for the house, and I soberly learned that the mainstream idea of society at that time was that men bought houses before marriage. This universal but unfamiliar scene caught me off guard, of course, time has passed, and now it is long gone, and the property deed says who is whose premarital property. Lin Sui said that she could buy a house, but I had to pay for the renovation: "Otherwise, can you afford to buy a house?" Don't shy away from moving in with a bag, don't you want to live in the house I bought for free? The renovation money is when you rent. "Although I don't have much money but my math is not bad, make a waterproof, lay a floor tile, paint a white wall and then go to a water and electricity, add a bunch of furniture and appliances, decorate a set of rough houses according to the most general standards, the money is almost the same as the down payment, we did not get a certificate at that time, and it was not yet to the stage of discussing who would pay the monthly mortgage and who would take the living expenses after that." Calculations are written on the face, the marriage or not marriage real estate certificate is Lin Sui's name, I am equivalent to going to her house to rent, broke up or divorced, she can yell at me with a straight face: "Hurry up and pack up things, how far to roll, this is my house, you still have a face here?" "By then I was really thrown out of the house with the renovation debt, couldn't take anything with me, and continued to rent a house—she really treated me as a tenant who renovated the house for the landlord." Buy a house and buy a car to choose one for investment, I believe that fools will also buy a house, the car will depreciate, the decoration will depreciate faster, have the money to buy a house to live or when the investment is not good? Do you have to rush to give someone else a sticker? Decorate or buy a car for others, and pull some bride price or dowry, and put on a very honest and virtuous look. It's fairest to pay a half down payment on the house and write two names — if you have to get married. Of course, these energy-consuming and meaningless issues I will not be involved in in the future, and I am extremely disgusted to think about them. On the day I took my student ID card out of college, for the first time I felt strongly that I was no longer young, no longer a student, no longer able to attend classes in the classroom, no longer able to ask the teacher questions, and no longer able to squeeze in the canteen with a dinner plate and queue up to eat. When I was thirty years old, I was divorced, and I felt that I really didn't have much time, and I didn't do a lot of things, so wouldn't it be nice to live well? Do you have to use marriage to pass the time? Later, I told Lin Sui that I didn't have money to decorate, and I didn't have to get married. I really don't have any money, and sometimes I don't have money but it gives me courage. Naturally, the house was not bought in the end, but I was wrongly married. In the end, I moved into the two-bedroom apartment that Lin Sui's family bought for her before marriage, which was also a wrong step that made us all regret it, and of course, it was even more humiliating to me.
Lin Sui's parents later told her many times that if she were a boy, they might have redoubled their efforts, instead of being short-sighted, and comfortably becoming a civil servant for the rest of their lives. At that time, civil servants were not as eager as they are now, and the competition was not so fierce. The most paradoxical thing about this era is that in addition to death, other things are as early as possible, "if you go back to more than ten years ago, I must buy a few more apartments", before 08 years, the house price was incredibly low, the house price income ratio was too low than now, in fact, it did not skyrocket ten years ago, and there was no purchase limit. Unless you take all the money to spend, or return to poverty due to disasters, as long as you honestly go to work, pay attention, just ordinary office workers, not saying that you are the boss of the business, buying a slightly more partial house in a second-tier urban area in full, it will never be a problem, and if you take out a loan, you will earn a down payment in a few years. Not to mention the civil servant class, those who only came to the city to work in the early years, a year's savings in addition to all the expenses can buy more than a dozen flats, and now there are two or three houses, "I went into the city to work, can not share the house, there is no demolition, but I can buy ah, right!" "It's normal for ordinary businessmen to earn a house a year when they have a better business, not to mention the natives who still have homesteads. The best time to invest in the best assets of the city, thus reaping the dividends of the urbanization process. "At that time, I didn't know what to do except buy a house", the irony is that this single and most common way of investing does not require much smart brain and superior wisdom. In 2001, it was easy to get on the bus to the house in Shenzhen, especially outside the Guanwai. Her father went to see the house with his colleagues, and he liked everything but gave up at the last moment: he felt that there was not much need to buy a girl in the family. That colleague honestly bought it, and his assets had more than ten times increased to today, which had always been her father's knot. Originally lucky to take the last train of welfare housing, before the "housing reform" in 98, the first suite was pocketed, and it was not necessary to earn the first house like a migrant worker, but it did not grasp the existing resources, holding the currency and waiting, looking ahead and looking back, is this a blessing or a blessing, or does it come down to the mystery of the times without thinking? Today, the template loses any possibility of copying: it has not caught up with the hot rice that has just been baked, and has to pick up others on the edge of the city to eat the remaining cold rice, which is not only difficult but also extremely expensive, expensive enough to advance future wages. Not only self-occupation, even if it is investment, want to copy the early and low cost, the past two decades rely on the real estate to make a lot of money model is basically no play, can not be a high level of trapping is not bad, so catch up is to catch up. Reality is always more than the magic of the story, in the early years, learning can not be learned at all, junior high school graduation will come out to work in the mixed society, catch up with low housing prices, early in the big city to buy a house and settle down, complete the class leap countless examples, now it sounds like a fantasy. You know, unless you encounter special opportunities like the one described above, the leap in class generally takes several generations to complete. Of course, her parents have studied after all, there are no foolish people "glad to have a daughter so relieved, anyway, in the future must be married, married out of the house" "son is the construction bank, daughter China Merchants Bank" and other disguised patriarchal ideas, 01 did not buy, in 2008 four trillion plan introduced, 09 years before the house price soared, bought a two-bedroom apartment, the price more than doubled than 7 years ago, gritted teeth on the car. Later, I got married and moved into the house; then I got divorced and moved out of the house. Everything was ridiculously natural, almost tailor-made for me—because any time you live in someone else's house for any reason, it is despised, male or female. Is marriage a more absurd thing to go with the flow? Noncommittal.
"Don't you think you're lucky to meet me?" People who want to marry me line up to go outside the guanwai", one day, Lin Sui came up with such a sentence, she has been looking down on me as a "deep second generation", even if she looks a little ugly, has a bad temper, and reads less books, I have always known. I didn't answer her, I told her that I was ready to move out of this house at any time, and this place will always be your nest. You have never lived in a fixed place, have not experienced that kind of penetrating despair and uneasiness, you don't even know that some girls of the same age as you grow up without a home, always send people to the fence, and the money will only be saved for their sons to buy a house. If you are not married, you will urge marriage all day, get married a little dowry and hurry to send it, move into your husband's house, divorce and then pack up your things and go back to your parents' house, move back to your parents' house, you are the only child is the same - I am in this situation now, I am still an only child!
I remember when I was in elementary school, my father began to lament how many opportunities he had missed, otherwise, at first I would foolishly accompany him to empathize, and then there was only silence, and I was too lazy to pay attention to him. Time says fast and fast and slow, just a few years, I grew up. The children of the past have become the "brothers" and "uncles" of the newly moved unknown children, and the new tenants of the unit building are more and more, and they have changed stubble and stubble, I do not know, and the original residents, old neighbors, childhood playmates and the dog named "Vivi" that I know have also moved away in more than ten years. The melody of "Meet Ninety-Eight" still echoes in the ears, 98 is the second year of the outbreak of the Asian financial crisis, the depreciation of the Thai baht, the financial defense war in Hong Kong, and the introduction of the "housing reform" to expand domestic demand... These newspapers were often full-page, and we subscribed to several newspapers at that time. Glittering mimeographs, flowers and greenery, the days at home, the wind and waves live quietly. Another year later, once after school, I told my father: "Do we want to go to see the house as well, I read a lot of new real estate in the newspaper." Reading the newspaper in the office every day, I saw and heard far more than the father of a high school student, and the reaction was unexpectedly strong: "There is nothing to mention the house, our family has no money!" There is that work to do a good job in studying, to take the college entrance examination is still so idle, otherwise don't read it early, adults and children don't interfere, I lack you to eat and you wear? defect! "Scared me, I hurried back to the house to study." That year, that day, the thunder outside the window rolled, pouring rain, my father in the living room to watch the tireless sketch "Yesterday, Today Tomorrow", the turbulent real estate market, the new consumption engine is nothing to do with him immersed in peanuts and small wine. In the millennium, TVB's big production "Genesis" was a hit, And Ye Rongtian and Xu Wenbiao were in the business world and competed for land, and my family only watched it as a soap opera. A few years later, when I came home from the winter vacation of college, I suddenly found that this courtyard had become particularly strange. There are always some people who take the initiative to isolate the economic situation and current affairs policies, ignore crises and opportunities, do not care about themselves, and hang high. Watching the neighbors move away one by one, where so-and-so bought a house, and the tenants from other places poured into the city, but pretended not to see and hear, and continued to live an anesthesia days under the watering of alcohol, he didn't want to anything and didn't bother to move his brain, but they had an inexplicable mystery of conceit, as if standing on the commanding heights of wisdom overlooking this group of ant-like ordinary people running around, only they had extraordinary people's accurate predictions about the future: sigh, look at them, hehe, I'm different! Today came back to steal joy: "So-and-so in the unit, that desperate sanlang, did not share the house, had to desperately buy a house, it is really the last life to create a sin in this life to atone for sins, unlike me, a lifetime of smooth sailing." Tomorrow, I will find someone to blow water: "They buy theirs, we should watch the drama, we are not without a place to live." Alas, you don't know how poor the quality of those commercial houses is, or rough houses, you have to spend a lot of money to decorate. Water leakage, cracks, property fees are paid, and the owners have gone to make trouble! It is really a matter of spending money to buy guilt, and when the time comes, they will regret it, and no one will dare to take over this mess if they want to sell it in the future. However, for more than twenty years, people's "mess" has not collapsed, and they still collect rent every month. College I went far away to fly high, my father looked like I went to college and everything was lucky, still in a good period of development but still turned a blind eye, more and more when a monk hit the clock one day, play! At that time, he was in his early forties. No moderation, no accumulation, no learning, greedy pastime, no long-term planning, no investment brain, pinning hopes on the next generation, it is not difficult to understand - forcing children can be much easier than forcing themselves, and they can also open their mouths to come, force children to die at any time, children do not force you to give birth to him, do not give birth to the best, but also add less pairs of chopsticks. Seriously, laziness is laziness, not being motivated is not motivated, there is nothing to be ashamed of, you just have to admit it, there is nothing to hide, but there is no need to take what boys and girls as a pretext. Effort is always for oneself, and those who do not want to work hard are useless even to have ten sons. In the blink of an eye, it is another ten years, and I still have a fresh memory of 2008, after all, it was the global financial crisis, the Wenchuan earthquake and the Beijing Olympic Games, when I also graduated and went to Shenzhen. I remember that the house price did not rise but fell that year, the average price in Shenzhen was more than 10,000, and the news that Vanke owners collectively protested against the reduction of house prices, caught up with the housing subsidy, the credit was relaxed, many people around them were hurrying to get on the bus, and there were real estate agents in the subway every day handing out leaflets, and I was also a little anxious. That period with the father is not so stiff, the phone is still through, I thought that with the lessons of the past, he will know the current affairs point, Shenzhen can not afford to buy, the hometown provincial capital more than three thousand house prices are still no problem, or again, we above the prefecture-level city is also OK, did not expect the father to kill me again: "What to buy, fall you lose?" I don't have a penny, you don't expect me, how much money does it cost me to study, you know, what's the use? White-eyed wolf! "The plan is put off again, and I understand that there is no longer any need to continue talking about the house. Growing up, the advice given by my father when deciding on key matters was always surprisingly consistent with the error after the fact. The 2009 TV series "Snail House" did not give any inspiration to the father who loved to watch the drama, after that year the house price went up all the way, to be honest, it was bought in 2014, it was more than twice as low as now, did not catch up with the low, and even if it fell in the future, it would not be too big. Speaking of economic concepts and investment horizons, in fact, it is not yet possible to talk about it, my father has not yet reached it, and I do not know what he is thinking in his head one day. "Yesterday? It has passed, it is useless to say anything, it is too late, I will not think about it; today, what to eat today, ah, recently so boring, alas, finally went to bed, but exhausted me, and then brush the mobile phone; tomorrow, maybe tomorrow will die! Worried about what's next? Live a day to count the day, eat well and drink well, and let it flood after death! "That's right, right? Escape from these things in reality, think that you can stay out of it, yes, you can ignore reality, you can also omit reality, you can even virtual reality, but what about the child you say "shouldn't be born"? What about the long future? What do you mean by what the future will be cashed in? Who fulfills your dream of making a fortune? The days we live today are what we call the "future" of yesterday. To put it bluntly, it's not that you can't afford it, it's that you never thought to buy it; it's not that you can't do it, it's that you didn't think about it; it's not that you don't have time, but that you have time and won't pay attention. A good hand of cards is played thinly, and today it is empty, do you complain again? Yes, you can't take anything away when you die, so why do you want to leave the gene, the most meaningless and useless thing? Your own life is obviously a mess, but still a cynical pie, a look of "you are happy", and then educate the children "don't eat and wear more than study, you watch so-and-so on TV, the family is so poor and admitted to a famous school, the tuition is still free", your child nodded guiltily, obediently obediently did it, and now how to mix, eat and wear is still passable? Are you still satisfied? You can burn incense and worship the Buddha, walk on the green and enjoy the plums, the clouds are light and the wind is light, the years are quiet, and you deceive yourself into comparing: "So-and-so is not as good as me", but your child will sit in the cubicle without smiling and worry about the rent for this month. Living in a rental house in Shenzhen, I really can't laugh, I can't be silly with the next door neighbor like a hippie smile, maybe I was born a serious person, I don't deserve to joke, I think in my heart, really. I am now this middle-aged weak and depressed look, and the young people who graduated grabbed food, together with 996 Hi Pi? Hell on it, 35+5 for you. So I leave no trace in the world, and walk innocently, because I am real, innocent. As for the notebook which was responsible only for recording my existence, let it be left in my dusty room, and perhaps some unfortunate interloper would turn two pages and be shocked by its absurdity. My father and I didn't have much contact after that phone call. Later, I failed to become the pride of my father, the glory of the family, forty years, I was still a wandering wanderer, a retrograde who did not walk, and my father, who had never had class anxiety, completed the task of getting married and having children step by step, and "had a smooth life" also left this world a month ago - everything was over. The incorruptibility is also experienced in the past of the purpose, dissipating one by one, and there is only the wind of mutual chasing in the ears. I don't have much more to say.
There is no silence in Shenzhen's urban villages, and even at two o'clock in the morning, you can still hear the endless accompaniment of singing and dancing. I admit my incompetence and accept my identity at the bottom, I am actually no different from these noisy tenants all day, what kind of shelf? What is the highest? Funny about you. 98 years, 08 years, then 18 years, and now two years, more than 20 years is just a moment of history. The earliest experience of housing marketization after the 60s, 70s in a paper document landed "forced" into the real estate market, but also by virtue of the snowball effect of the real estate to achieve wealth appreciation and class jump, the house did not cause them too much pressure, even in the first line, first change the school district after the improvement, back and forth, for them, the house is an asset, low to buy and then reduce the cash, the first consideration is to realize; the 80s who grew up overnight in the shouting of high house prices to see the house to buy a house, basically before 2010 at the latest also got on the car, One day, at the age of forty, I found that there were suddenly more post-90s and post-00s in the team who were born a few years later and could no longer get on the bus. Today, a set of 80 square meters of house in the provincial capital city has a down payment of at least 600,000 yuan, the full payment is at least 2 million, do you dare to believe that the same house 5 years ago was 500,000 yuan, and a down payment of more than 100,000 yuan can be bought? Not to mention the first line. People born in 1990, undergraduate graduation is in 2012, junior college is 2011, before 2015 on the bus, that is, 90-93 years of birth more. From 1998 to 2018, for some people in the post-90s and post-00s, the twenty years of growth are also the lost twenty years, and everything is still fresh but it seems that they have not really lived, they have not gained anything, as if they have been learning like blind people touching elephants, but they have not learned anything. So these former children no longer struggle, no longer discuss, it doesn't matter if they rise or fall, they can go where they go and how they want. Unconsciously, we ended up with the same ending, even though we were not the same kind of people, as unconsciously, my face began to feel soft and loose, and a few brown round spots appeared on the back of my hand, and I suddenly remembered my father, and I remembered him as well. "Due to factors such as prices, the rent has been raised since this month", I only noticed the news on my mobile phone. Some people rent houses in urban villages, some people collect rent for several houses, and it is true that first-line natives naturally enjoy the right to monopolize the surplus value of foreign tenants, whether you are an elite or a hit worker. "People don't work hard because their parents have tried, what did your parents do earlier?" What does your brain think all day? ridiculous! Think that you have been on the Internet for a few days with a large amount of information and read a few years of broken books that you should turn around against the sky? "During an argument, Lin Sui's remarks made me choke on a moment, and I felt that I was wrong but I didn't know where I was wrong. I know she's right, and I know there's nothing fair in this world, except for death—everyone has to die, even if you live in the ICU for a few more days. "I know, you're right," "Just know!" She thought I would refute it. However, out of simple human emotions, the heart accepts such a reality without waves, and to tell the truth is equivalent to denying the rationality of its own existence. Natural selection, survival of the fittest, born as a human being, what is good or bad? Ordinary does not equal inferiority, and it is difficult for me to acquiesce in my "inferiority" in terms of basic human qualities such as IQ and will. Asking myself questions and not being afraid of jokes, I think I am not badly talented, I have a good memory when I am studying, and my competitiveness is far greater than that of children of the same age. When I was in school, everyone was still envious of the top students, and when I was admitted to a good middle school and university, you would be surprised to find that the "bad students" who studied inferiorly to you in the previous class and who you had despised had already gone abroad: the United States, Great Britain, or Australia. You roll yours, people do not accompany you to consume, direct dimensionality reduction strike, from the probability level, the ending is to win. The top group of people in domestic studies also apply for master's and doctoral degrees in famous foreign universities. Today, it is from a small international school, growing up to go abroad, playing on the line, on the vision, opportunities, are difficult for you to reach. You do the exam all the way through, in the increasingly fierce qualifying match with the college entrance examination score to prove themselves, and then clearly marked the price to sell a good price, geometric multiples of the effort may not be able to obtain the same social status ten years ago, ten years ago people bought the house, you have to take nearly half of the monthly salary to rent. In order not to let the child class fall and die for three generations, the game of drumming and passing flowers will continue to be played, and reading will become more and more expensive. Rushing to school district housing, attending cram schools, education is also an investment, but the vision of investment is becoming more and more out of touch with reality.
Solitude is the norm in life, and I am particularly fond of its loneliness. Family, marriage, offspring... I have no interest in the mirror-like "life compulsory homework" that many people use to dispel emptiness, but a room that shelters the wind and rain cannot be reduced... I would be treated as an outright loser, which is undeniable and somewhat frustrated, but no so-called successful person is entitled to deny my cheap efforts. Sometimes, people eat too much and lose the ability to think, no matter what, I still maintain a connection with the world, why do I have to cling to a house? I hadn't been on the street yet, so I was thrown out and continued to look for my next home. Talking to a childless person about a property is ridiculous, the price of the house has far exceeded its value, and it is really worth it to spend a lifetime to buy it? Who will it be left to after death? Carry this shell away like a snail? So, if the family is solid, will I think about the inheritance of the family business in the first place? I don't want to distinguish between these sequences, causes and effects. I suddenly realized that I didn't actually envy some people as much as I thought. Why try to understand the exacerbated imbalance? Like some people's puzzling and defensive copywriting and explicit hints, there are too many things in this world that I don't understand and don't understand—because a man will never see what he has never seen, know what he has never seen. When I was young, I would cheer myself up with the motto of success that "hard work will be achieved"; when I grew up, I was exposed to a lot of very realistic things, and found that these inspirational words were less than one-tenth of the comfort of "simple happiness only requires a very low cost"; later, when I occasionally brushed my mobile phone, I also had the illusion of "maybe I can live this life", and when I saw the wet walls of the south sky and the takeaway lunch box crawled by cockroaches, this illusion dissipated. Consciousness acts on behavior, the original desire for material enjoyment is getting lower and lower, self-awareness, fatalism, you ask me what I particularly want, or what I want to achieve, I actually can't answer; I have lived in the world for a long time, but I still clearly remember what I looked like when I was a little boy, and I asked myself, what has life taught me? I can't answer that either. When I get a little older and return to where I was, maybe I'll have an answer to that question. Talking about original sin, talking about the future, when there is no better way out and the result is vaguely known, what I naturally think of is to maintain the status quo, to follow the silence that builds me, and not to do fearless struggle anymore. So let the noise of those vested interests stir up the echo of the city's noise! The fabric of the city and the civilization of mankind are inseparable from them, they will not come close to me, and I will not greet them.
Shenzhen's sky is blue, the wind is warm, clear and clear... Breathing in the clean air, seriously, I love the city. If I could, I wasn't going to leave, I just wanted to be here, crocheting the rest of my hopeless life, and one day when I got tired of it, I'd go to a new place. Working a job, renting a room, walking freely without anything behind me, releasing the silent nature that has been learned the day after tomorrow, is not bad, at least in the days and nights of "one of my own rooms", I am free, just asking for no one to disturb. As for the small part of group life that I have to live in no matter how I avoid it, the only thing I can do is to reveal less of my true feelings, read superficial articles, let the sensitive crux of those that embarrass each other forever be hidden under the daily discussion of insignificant itching, and it is not impossible to live a life of confusion: just to maintain the calm of the wind and waves on the surface, the terrible giants hidden under the sea level will never be exposed, and the ship of life will move forward unhurriedly until it is permanently stranded. The voyage of life is dangerous from beginning to end, but only I am its only witness, and all its fragmentation, chaos and disorder are covered by calm, so it is not impossible to lie in this ship and dream for a lifetime. I hummed the Little Conch, like the little boy from a long time ago... Suddenly I realized that I had actually been living on this ship all along, born here, grown up here, aged here, and would sleep here forever. It has also sailed far, taking me to many landscapes, looking at it, but not moving forward, always pacing back and forth on the deck - it is destined to sail back to a strange homeland as a loser, from beginning to end, the wind and waves are calm. Houses or boats are no different from me, not only because they are to me, but to me, I, the "living" person, are no different from these "inanimate" entities, the only difference is that I am thinking. And they are independent of my thinking and have nothing to do with me in some ways. They want nothing from me, and I should ask for nothing from them. All entities, and the cities that carry them, exist outside of my thoughts, and one day I do not exist, they remain, and evoke others who exist to continue thinking.
In a window seat in the cabin, he took his boarding pass and sat in a number, a two-and-a-half hour flight that was enough for him to continue a ridiculous daydream.
……