Author | Qian Zhiliang
Source | Qian Zhiliang Studio (ID: qzlgzs)
Every winter vacation, it is the time when children chase their parents to ask for mobile phones to play.
A friend complained: "The other day I took the child back to my mother's house, and within a few minutes of sitting down, the child was on the sidelines, trying to take out my mobile phone from my pocket and play.
If not given to him, he will hum next to him. Sometimes when I was busy and didn't have time to look at him, he immediately hid in the corner with his mobile phone and played. ”
Such a scene is played out almost every day in many families.
Some children will pestering adults and asking, "Can I play with my phone?" ”
Some children will fight excessively for their "power": "I'm on vacation, what's wrong with my mobile phone!" "
Faced with this problem, different reactions of parents will lead to different results.
PART
0 1 .
The first type of parent: unable to trust the child's consciousness, directly refused.
Such parents know that what their children call "play for a while" will unknowingly turn into hours or even a whole day with their mobile phones to play.
Finally, in the face of the adult's reminder, the child stared at the screen, quickly nodded in response, and did not raise his head.
This is the most worrying situation.
Therefore, on the issue of children playing with mobile phones, such parents are panicked and very harsh:
"You don't look at your final grades, and you still mean to play games?"
"You don't want to touch your phone again this winter vacation!"
Or simply unplug the network cable and hide the mobile phone and tablet.
Unfortunately, this practice is too effective for a short time, and parents are prone to tug-of-war with their children.
In psychology, there is a phenomenon called the "forbidden fruit effect" - the more forbidden something is, the more people have to get their hands.
The more we explicitly prohibit it, the more it will increase children's desire for mobile phones, and some children will even have more fierce conflicts with their parents because they can't play with mobile phones, and finally behave like their parents are worried about:
Addicted to mobile phones. Even if it's behind your back, you have to play secretly.
Not only that, children's hearts are often filled with resistance and dissatisfaction with their parents, gradually alienating us.
PART
0 2 .
The second type of parent, reluctant to refuse their children, left alone
Are you a mom or dad who often feels guilty?
For example:
Because the child wants to play the game, you accuse and reject him very harshly.
Afterwards, you feel that it is harmless to play for a while during the holidays, so you begin to self-criticize, think that you have broken your child's heart, and reflect on your bad temper.
Immediately afterwards, you will find a way to compensate the child, and even take the initiative to let the child play with the mobile phone for a long time the next day.
The first behavior that parents tend to trigger with excessive guilt is that it is difficult to refuse the child, break the principle of parenting, and have to give in to the child.
Unconsciously give up controlling the child's bad behavior, it is difficult to say "no" to the child.
Unconsciously, he becomes the father or mother who is most afraid of "breaking" the child's heart.
Indeed, any rejected child will inevitably feel disappointed, sad or angry, and even aggrieved to tears.
But this is something that children must face as they grow up – learning to deal with the disappointment of rejection.
I once remember a mother who said, "I am a bad person in my child's heart, because I always manage him, while the child's father and grandparents have always been responsive." ”
In fact, in order to educate good children, we all need to experience such "bad guy" moments.
Children are far more sensible than you think, and the reason why they overreact to your rejection is because parents often only have a cold "no", no empathy for his feelings, and no reasoned explanation.
Sometimes, it only takes a reasonable explanation for the child to let go.
As long as we are calm and firm enough, we don't have to feel guilty about rejecting our children.
PART
0 3 .
The third type of parent: Be a calm parent and set boundaries for your child
In between, we can choose to be "calm, gentle and determined" parents.
We must understand that in the Internet era, social media is a part of children's world, a tool for socializing, and one of their windows to see the world.
What we need to be wary of is never the mobile phone itself, but the child's excessive addiction to electronic devices, and we can neither find ways to avoid the child from touching the mobile phone, nor allow him to fall into it.
The most scientific way is to set boundaries and maintain a good parent-child relationship with children.
Spend more time understanding how children interact on social networking platforms, and discuss how to make good use of mobile phones as a tool so that children can both "hold" and "put down".
I would like to give you two suggestions:
First, discuss the rules of mobile phone use with children in three chapters
Regarding the mobile phone, what parents have to do is not to manage him, but to learn to "manage" him.
The difference between management and management is that the former is condescending control, interference, and demand; The latter is to manage children with rules that children also agree with.
This rule is not to shackle children, but to allow children to have respect and freedom within their boundaries.
Therefore, during the winter vacation, instead of accusing children of playing with mobile phones every day, it is better for you to negotiate the time to play mobile phones every day and the rules of use.
Like what:
The time spent playing mobile phones per day cannot exceed 2 hours, and the management is segmented, no more than 30 minutes each time;
Can't use mobile phones for eating, sleeping, or walking;
When writing homework, don't put your phone next to it...
It should be noted that parents should pay attention to the screening of the content of short videos, especially in the early days of children's use of mobile phones, parents should help children filter content, commonly used APP to set teen mode, or simply do not download such apps.
After all, the content of the short video platform is uncontrollable, if it is high-quality content such as popular science and education, it has little impact, but if it is low-quality content, it is not only easy to form an information cocoon, but also unconsciously distort children's values.
We try to guide children to watch high-scoring movies, documentaries and other high-quality content, which can not only broaden their horizons, but also cultivate children's patience.
Second, divert your child's attention from the phone
Sometimes, children want to play with their phones during the holidays because there is no better option than that, they do not find anything more interesting than mobile phones, and the sense of reality experience is weak.
This enlightens us that we should usually help children develop healthy hobbies, such as sports, reading, encouraging children to participate in some social games, or taking children to visit parks, museums, etc.
When the child asked, "Mom, can I play with my phone for a while?" ", calm parents, will put down the things in hand and say to their children:
"Are you bored?"
"Mom, okay to play with you for a while."
In an instant, the child will feel that he or she is being noticed and has an alternative to the mobile phone.
When we prevent children's addiction to mobile phones, the most important point is to help children develop healthy hobbies, increase practical activities in life, give him some alternatives to mobile phones, and feel the fun of real life.
The Spring Festival is approaching, and we can also choose to accompany our children to spend a ritualistic Spring Festival.
From the preparation of the year to the New Year's greeting after the year, try to find opportunities for children to participate.
For example, years ago, lead the child to clean together, sweep the dust, and bring the child when preparing New Year goods, and you can also let him decorate the home with adults, paste spring couplings, paste blessing characters, paste window flowers, hang Chinese knots...
These little things can make a child's life as fulfilling as possible.
In childhood, if it is carefully accompanied by parents, mobile phones will naturally take a back seat.
Because in the real world, children are happy and fulfilled, and they are not so easily attracted to the false world.
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THE END
Source: Qian Zhiliang Studio (ID: qzlgzs), committed to providing parents with professional and practical parenting knowledge and concepts. Qian Zhiliang is a famous teacher at Beijing Normal University. His research interests include consultation on child development issues and education for children with special needs. Hubei e family is authorized to publish this article, please contact the author for reprinting.
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