"I think my boyfriend and I are probably entering a period of conflict and quarrel."
"Lately we've always quarreled over disagreements, a small quarrel for three days, a big quarrel for five days... Although I act very strong every time I quarrel, in fact, I am afraid in my heart, even if I quarrel and quarrel one day, I will separate..."
"Bear, what do you say we should do now?"
Xiong thought that if there is a "national couple breakup reason" list, then "quarrel" must be in the top 1 of the list.
This is not to scare everyone!
Bears certainly know that there are no lovers in this world who do not quarrel;
Even if two people who love each other and are close to each other, it is inevitable that there will be times of disagreement and disagreement.
However, if you have been holding the mentality of "noisy, anyway, it will be better in two days" and turning a blind eye to contradictions, it is easy to make love enter a precarious point.
So, people who love each other, it's time to learn to "quarrel"!
Today, The Bear brought a book that couples in an argument should read – The Psychology of Marital Empathy.
The author of the book, an internationally renowned expert in the field of conflict management and intimacy, best-selling author, James F. Kennedy Dr. L. Clayton.
It is worth mentioning that Dr. Clayton and his wife have happily spent the 52nd year of their marriage;
Although there are always stumbling blocks, in Dr. Clayton's view, as long as the contradictions can be handled correctly, quarrels can also be an excellent time to consolidate the relationship.
Therefore, in this book, he tells us in detail 5 tips for resolving conflicts and conflicts between couples;
Xiong also sorted out all these contents and shared them with everyone.
I hope that couples can "quarrel well" and find the code for love and happiness
Allow the other person to maintain their own opinion.
"How can you have such a thought?"
"You're fundamentally wrong for doing this!"
"It's unbelievable."
In the quarrels that erupt between couples over disagreements, these words are all too common.
We always take it for granted that only our own ideas are right and reasonable;
Especially when you are angry, you will be paranoid about the other party's opinion as a big mistake.
And the author reminds us:
"If you always think the other person is irrational, misguided, and emotionally out of control, then you will just argue endlessly." 」
You know, each of us has a completely different life experience and experience;
And these different life experiences will also give each of us different feelings and emotions, and each concept is reasonable.
The author also said that we must allow the other party to maintain their own views, allow the other party to say their true thoughts and feelings without scruples;
This is how to really solve the problem, rather than falling into the "who is right and who is wrong" relationship dilemma.
Xiong has always felt that the relationship in love is the collision between two souls and two concepts;
If you want to grind into the most suitable look for each other, you must first accept each other's truest appearance.
Confess your feelings,
Instead of picking the other person's mistakes.
If the quarrel is also divided into levels, then the most dangerous quarrel should be to accuse and ridicule each other.
"You make me feel..." (blame the other person for your feelings)
"You really are..." (criticizing the other person)
"Why do you want to..." (questioning the other person)
These words are like the sharpest weapons and thorns, which can escalate what was originally a small quarrel into a full-scale confrontation.
Therefore, the author advises us to communicate in a less guarded and less impulsive way;
"You should say what you feel, not judge each other."
So, when you're dissatisfied with your partner, you might as well use the phrase "I feel" + "I hope" to communicate.
For example:
"When you say that, I feel sad, and I hope you can put it another way..."
"Every time you socialize late into the night, I feel very lonely, can you go home a little earlier in the future?"
In the author's view, such a way of speaking can create excellent communication opportunities and a secure communication environment for each other;
It also allows the other party to know what they should do, rather than blindly guessing and doubting.
Remember, peace of mind and always more powerful than hysteria
Listening requires both brains,
Be careful, too.
The importance of listening, I think everyone must know it.
But despite this, we often make this mistake when listening:
Left ear in, right ear out;
Just listening mechanically, not trying to understand;
As I listened, I thought about how to refute it...
Listening like this not only fails to ease the conflict between couples, but often annoys the other person more.
The author tells us: "You and your partner must understand each other with your heart, not just with reason and mind. ”
Of course, for couples who are in a position of anger, understanding each other is not as simple as lip service;
But the author wants us to understand that we just need to accept each other's emotions and feelings without identifying with them.
That is, after listening, we don't need to say, "You're right." ”
Instead, feel the other person's feelings and tell the other person:
"I feel your grievances in your words."
"Sorry, I didn't realize you were so upset."
Xiong feels that among people who love each other, mutual understanding is always more important than mutual recognition;
As long as a simple "understanding" can always extinguish anger, smooth grievances, turn anger into paste, and make the relationship more sticky and firm
Learn to avoid escalating contradictions.
Contradictions and quarrels, especially between lovers, mostly stem from some of the most inconspicuous little things.
Maybe it's a casual complaint;
Maybe it's a casual little gesture;
Or maybe it's an impatient look...
Starting from these small things, we begin to ignore them, blame accusations, slander each other, and finally refuse to communicate;
In this way, contradictions escalate, and inconspicuous small things have become insurmountable gaps.
The authors say that in order to prevent contradictions from escalating to the point of seriousness, we must learn to recognize those who make contradictions escalate.
The author tells us that in the process of escalating contradictions, there are often the following 4 identities:
Begin to see each other as enemies;
Unwillingness to listen to each other;;
Cold War, refusal to communicate;
Ignoring the most important thing – we still love each other.
And once we become aware of these phenomena, we must strive to change our behavior:
Stop the accusations and accusations;
Don't expand the problem, don't label the other person;
Don't pull other people to make allies;
Do everything you can to break this pattern of mutual resistance.
Xiong thought that instead of just considering the "me" and "you" in the relationship, what is more worthy of our consideration is "we";
"We" are always fragile and incomparably precious, and we must always take these two words to heart
Solve the problem from the perspective of "us".
In the process of getting along with two people, it is inevitable to encounter various difficulties in life.
And difficulties often provoke complaints and accusations:
"It's because of you that you're where you are."
"You're going to find a way."
"You have to fix this."
Such words will not only push the other party into the dilemma of powerlessness, but also erupt into dissatisfaction and quarrels, so that the relationship will gradually alienate.
In the author's opinion, nothing is more important than two people in love to solve a problem together;
"Speak with a problem-solving attitude and say, 'We have a problem,' instead of saying, 'You're a problem.'"
So, in the face of problems and dilemmas, let's solve them together from the perspective of "us"
To face the problem squarely, to explore enough solutions together;
Then, among all the solutions, find the one that is acceptable to each other and can agree.
Xiong feels that in the face of the ups and downs of life, two people who love each other should be a whole;
There is suffering to eat together, there are difficulties to live together, the sky falls down and carry together...
And then, it's sweet to enjoy together
The next time you have an argument with someone you love
I hope everyone can --
Turn a quarrel into a hot pot
Turn the contradiction into a barbecue
Turn anger into a box of candy
Turn resentment into a cup of milk tea
look at
Something that can be solved so simply
Why rise to the level of quarrels?
Everybody's right
Hahaha
Good night, folks