The discussion of the sense of relaxation originally stemmed from a travel experience shared by a blogger, and the unhurried relaxation state after encountering unexpected situations when a family traveled unexpectedly became a hot topic on the Internet. (Visual China/Photo)
If you talk about the vocabulary of the year for 2022, "relaxation" should have a place.
The term entered the public eye when a blogger posted to share his own personal experience. The blogger witnessed the family rushing to the plane to travel, and only before boarding the plane did they find that their child's documents were expired and he could not get on the plane. The family did not blame each other, but the mother followed the child back home. Other family members who can board the plane, because the luggage is hung in the mother's name, must unload the luggage and return, the family is not in a hurry, just call someone to pick up the luggage, and then mail it out. Throughout the process, the family presented a very relaxed state. After the post was sent, it was liked 461,000 times, retweeted 46,000 times, and commented more than 10,000 times.
Soon, the discussion of "relaxation" spread in various variety shows: in "Welcome to the Mushroom House", the relaxation of several "past" draft stars made them turn red again; In "Longing for Life", the relaxed feeling presented by the guest Xu Zhiyuan made him very well received; Xu Zhiyuan, in "Thirteen Invitations", also specifically discussed the sense of relaxation with He Duoling. He Duoling said that he had read the pianist Fu Cong's book that he shook hands with Lang Lang, and Lang Lang's hand seemed to have no bones, which was the most envious hand of the pianist, soft as a bone, seemingly soft and soft, but as long as he exerted his strength, he went up. "If you're hard, you can't do anything." He Duoling believes that "everything must be 'loose' to do well. ”
What exactly is a sense of relaxation? Is the feeling of relaxation really important? Southern Weekend reporters interviewed Cui Qinglong, a senior practicing psychological counselor, about this. Since May 2021, Cui Qinglong has continued to share psychology-related knowledge on Weibo, and has considerable personal insights on the interpretation of the emotions of the times, which has aroused widespread resonance on the Internet.
"A lot of people have lost this state for a long time"
Southern Weekend: "Relaxation" was first popular as a post, about a family rushing to catch a plane and encounter unexpected situations, making people feel the sense of relaxation in their bodies. What did you think of these discussions on the web?
Cui Qinglong: I think it seems to be in sharp contrast to the current state of general anxiety, which is my first feeling at that time. One of the things I learned from this point is that many people have lost this state for a long time. If it's an everyday, mundane experience, you won't be curious about that picture at all, that's the state you have. But the fact that people discuss it as a phenomenon shows that everyone is not in that state.
Southern Weekend: How do you understand the feeling of relaxation?
Cui Qinglong: It is equivalent to summarizing or summarizing a variety of positive emotions with the word relaxation. When you talk about relaxation, I think it's a very relaxed, very peaceful, no anxiety, calm, slow-paced, carefree, natural state. I think the sense of relaxation is a generalization of these different states of relaxation, both mentally and physically, mentally.
Southern Weekend: What causes non-relaxation?
Cui Qinglong: There are environmental factors and personal factors, and I think that at the current stage, environmental factors account for the majority. In essence, all of a person's experiences are unique responses of personal attributes to environmental attributes.
If a person can't relax in an environment where most people can relax, then we turn our attention to personal factors. From the perspective of psychological development, a person's sense of relaxation depends on what most of the emotional experiences he intake in the environment in which he grew up. Imagine a child's interaction with the caregiver, and when the caregiver comes out with a certain emotional state, the child also receives that part of the thing. Between people, an experiential intersubjective field is constructed, and everyone in the field shares what two people have in common. Just like a very anxious mother is coaxing her child, her sense of anxiety does not need words to be transmitted, if this interaction process is repeated, these emotions will be internalized by the child, becoming the part of the child that cannot relax. From the theory of mother-infant interaction in contemporary developmental psychology, the way of interaction regulation will eventually become the way of self-regulation, that is, the experience of others that you repeatedly include in the relationship will eventually become your own experience.
Southern Weekend: At the source, what kind of native family can have a positive impact on the formation of a sense of relaxation?
Cui Qinglong: It's what we often call a safe family. First of all, parents are emotionally stable people. When the child cries, if you coax him with a more patient, stable, and the same frequency, its practical use will not last long, and you do not even need to do anything deliberately, and the child's emotions will slowly stabilize. I am talking about the safe family has such a function, the parent's safety experience will eventually become the child's own safety experience through interactive adjustment.
Of course, it's hard to do that. In fact, the state of the parents is also affected by his own environment, such as the environment in recent years, the pressure of work, his own external stimuli, itself with what we call "emotional waste", what he intentionally or unconsciously or forced to collect. Raising a child itself needs to invest emotions and labor, not very casual and easy to deal with, because the child has a need for you, and some needs are even more unreasonable, which means that you need to follow him, influence him, and exert a positive influence on him in a higher dimension than him. When you are very low or very anxious, you can't do this, and you may subconsciously make emotional reactions, such as scolding him, harshly criticizing him, and responding to him in a way similar to controlling. So, first of all, you have to accept your own state. Another point is to make sure that you are in a relatively good physical and mental environment. In fact, it is essentially back to a self-care position.
Southern Weekend: He Duoling mentioned that pianists have struggled with relaxation all their lives, and he believes that artistic creation must be freely produced in a very loose state. So, what benefits does the feeling of relaxation bring to people's lives? Is it really that important?
Cui Qinglong: I think there must be. We can imagine another opposite scenario: a person is not relaxed, to put it bluntly, it is tense or anxious, it affects not only people's psychological state, in fact, it will also have an impact on people's health. From a physiological point of view, when a person is nervous or anxious, his dermatoelectrical level will have specific changes, that is, his biological signs are abnormal, and anxiety hormones, such as cortisol, will also be secreted in large quantities, resulting in various inflammatory reactions. Many people may not pay attention to this, throat pain, angular cheilitis, digestive problems, and some skin diseases, many times are related to emotions, are in a state of anxiety and tension for a long time, can not get the result of mediation, long-term inflammatory response is even a hotbed of some cancer cells, so in the long run it is still quite destructive.
He Duoling said in an interview program that Fu Cong commented that Lang Lang's hands were very loose, and pianists had struggled with relaxation all their lives. (Visual China/Photo)
"Swinging" is not a slack, but a manifestation of the loss of vitality
Southern Weekend: The word as opposed to relaxation may be tightness, and we see many examples of tension, the anxiety of parental education, the "inner volume" of Internet workers, the tightness in intimate relationships, do you think this tension is related to the environment?
Cui Qinglong: I think so. All physical and mental states of people are essentially knee-jerk reactions to the environment, and when we say tension, in a biological sense, it is actually a continuous alert response that a person cannot turn off external scanning, like a high-power radar operating all the time. Why are people alert? Only when there is a threatening, unsafe environment, or when there are risks that he cannot predict, will he tense up and monitor the environment highly to avoid situations that he cannot cope with.
But this danger is not particularly specific, it is very diffuse, very extensive, there are ripples of it everywhere, it is more like an emotional state in which everyone is overloaded, and then it gives rise to the subconscious hostility and unfriendliness between each other, just like people often say that hostility. I also have this feeling when I speak on the Internet, when there were few people in the past, there was nothing, I could say whatever I wanted, and I didn't think too much at all. Now I feel that every word I say should consider the possible impact, preset in advance, and risk assessment.
There's a term in psychology called "aggressive transfer," and when a person carries environmental pressures, he directs that emotion toward someone who can safely release it. The network is the most secure and does not require any responsibility. Especially when everyone is writing against a population, it is safer as an individual involved, you are anonymous, which is what psychology calls "de-responsibility". When everyone has this emotion, or everyone carries a weapon, everyone becomes insecure because of it, which will also make people feel less relaxed.
Southern Weekend: Some time ago, in the variety show "Welcome to the Mushroom House", the laxity of several "fast men" made them turn red. Their self-ridicule is, "I only have this sense of relaxation after I 'messed up.'" From a psychological point of view, what is the difference between "swinging" and relaxing?
Cui Qinglong: "Swinging" is the loss of autonomous will, it is more like a passive behavior, similar to the "hosting" in the card game, after the computer is hosted, the cards will automatically come out, you don't have to care. In the state of trusteeship, it seems that you are also very Buddhist, desireless and demandless, but in fact, people in that state have a very weak feeling, are pushed by life, and can not do anything, so I do not feel that "swinging" is a kind of relaxation, which is the embodiment of a person's loss of vitality.
But the other thing, like these "fast men" you mentioned, is that they are withdrawing from a competitive environment, from the public's gaze of higher expectations for them. I think that by now some traffic students, they have to be highly self-managing every day, to match the expectations of fans, the market and the public, every day in a high level of investment, keep themselves in good condition, that should be a very restless experience. And the group of "fast men" we are talking about, they can finally not play this game that is so tired and has such high KPI requirements. "Swinging" is that they don't have their own position after they are out, they are more like finding a new position after they are out, not in that fierce competitive environment, which is the difference.
The topic of relaxation appears frequently in variety shows. The picture shows the stills of the life program "Longing for Life" that returns to the countryside. (Infographic/Photo)
Southern Weekend: Anthropologist David Graeber has written a hotly debated book called "Meaningless Work," and you also said on Weibo that many people hate their work because it has nothing to do with their psychic system motivations, which also causes them to be nervous at work, and he does not enjoy work. In the face of such a situation, how to deal with it?
Cui Qinglong: From a psychological point of view, all human behavior is driven by some intrinsic motivations, such as the need for competence, the need for recognition, the need for existence, the need for society, the need for relationships, values, meaning, and so on. When these things drive you, you can stay and deeply involved in what you're going to do. For example, a child can spend a lot of time piling up blocks because there is a creative motivation that drives him. As long as one of our activities or work is driven by a certain motivation, we have feedback when we do it, and we can put it in. But now many people can't find a lower emotional drive.
Southern Weekend: To use the buzzword of the day, a lot of people are just trying to "get money."
Cui Qinglong: Yes, but "making money" is not a specific motive, it is that there is no motivation, and after thinking that there is such a role, a little return, then I will do it. In fact, he has lost contact with this matter emotionally and psychologically, and even if he earns some money at this time, he will still have a sense of boredom and burnout, because it is impossible for every job to meet people's strong motivations, and some jobs must be tedious, unless we make a choice.
Maybe we can try to associate ourselves with some type of work that evokes these underlying motivations. For example, if you are in a company, maybe this position does not meet your certain needs, you can change a position, you may need to upgrade a certain skill, acquire a certain ability, get a certain certificate, may require you to pay a certain price, such as a little income depreciation, but it can be exchanged for a better, longer-term state of investment, I think it is worth it.
The feeling of relaxation is a luxury
Southern Weekend: Many people are still struggling with the uncertainty of life and work, is it a luxury to talk about relaxation in such a realistic situation?
Cui Qinglong: Right. It is equivalent to you need to let many people transcend his environment and obtain a mental state, physical and mental state that transcends his environment, which may be a realm that a person can pursue, but the actual psychological state of most people is what kind of pressure the environment gives him, and what kind of reaction he makes. That is to say, perhaps we have come to a situation where we have to work hard to do something, and we must raise our internal strength and cultivation to a higher level in order to cope with the current situation.
Southern Weekend: It looks loose or tight, and a lot of times it's not something that individuals can decide. From this point of view, it doesn't matter if there is no sense of relaxation?
Cui Qinglong: From the perspective of self-acceptance, no matter what state you are, it is okay, in fact, no one will ask you to absolutely get rid of something. Under this premise, the sense of relaxation is something we can pursue, and it at least represents a better state of being, because a lifetime of tension is too uneconomical, too painful, and even in the most uncertain reality, it is an experience worth creating and seeking.
We can't control the macro environment, so try to build a more interesting rhythm or state of life for yourself within the body and mind of the self, or in the range of life you can control. Many people do a lot of things that are depleted to themselves, such as indulging in a goalless, very fragmented, but loose state of life, brushing a large number of short videos every day, or constantly tracking, discussing, and arguing with people on hot topics, in fact, these are consuming their own sense of relaxation, or consuming their own psychological performance, which will make people in a state of continuous mental consumption.
I think there is still room for people to do things for themselves, and to be more specific, focus on how to really care for themselves. For example, eat healthily, do the necessary exercise, the psychological impact of physical health on people is also very direct, when your physical function is at a good level, psychologically will also experience the vitality given by a healthy body. Does the life you set yourself up for contain goals and fun? With limited resources, do you have a life experience that can be further improved, whether it is home environment, ability growth, or entertainment? Have these been seriously considered?
Southern Weekend: So in terms of the environment, it is difficult for us to get rid of the tension, but specific to individuals, there is still a lot of room for maneuvering.
Cui Qinglong: Yes. For example, when we say that to get rid of the "inner volume", people actually need to look for other possibilities outside the fixed trajectory of life. There's a lot of options hidden in everyone's life that you can try to explore. For example, if a person never travels, and tourism is a path he has never opened, then you can go to a place for a few days. Including the script that many young people are playing now, I have not played it, and I want to experience it one day. Including many people now go to Dali, Dali is like a place where you can find a sense of relaxation, and such places may be more and more, and this kind of place to find new oxygen outside the framework may be more and more valued. I have seen the news before, many literary and artistic young people are now gathered in Jingdezhen, my previous impression was that it was only a place where porcelain was produced, Jingdezhen consumption was very low, coupled with the support of many policies, forming a relaxed environment similar to Dali, without the sense of efficiency and competition in the economic environment.
With Taoist wisdom, the weakness is also a realm, and now we can think more deeply about the relationship between ourselves and the social machine, that is, the so-called homeopathy, you have to understand what the current situation is, and then re-evaluate our own value and survival significance according to it. For example, to get rid of the mainstream gaze and find your own position, this is something I will spend a lifetime to emphasize, your most quality life experience, must be the place that deviates from the system and then returns, it will always change.
"As long as your kernel is still there, it can still be supported"
Southern Weekend: You said on Weibo that everyone has formed some unique vocabulary in the process of growing up, and if you refuse to unpack these words, it is easy to turn the definition and description of these words into an experiential reality. So, how do words like relaxation and tension affect people's emotions?
Cui Qinglong: Words can powerfully shape a person's psychological reality, and I think behind the relaxation and tension is a series of more complex things that confuse and confuse us, and it is not just a simple state. The vocabulary is the packaging of experience, such as the word "incompetent", even if a person is very capable, and at the same time he can not withstand setbacks, once he experiences frustration, he will immediately fall into a deep emotion of incompetence. In fact, this thing is not done well, other times the performance is quite outstanding, but at that moment, what you feel is your own incompetence, anger and accusations against yourself. In such a case, "incompetent" is a non-neutral and objective description, a word that has been distorted, a word that does not belong to you, but you hold it tightly. Looking back, there may be many things behind this incompetence, such as when he was a child, he scored 90 points in every exam, but his father said, how can you not take the 95? He's not actually recognized, and what's hidden here is that no matter how good I am, I'm not good enough. These are the things I said needed to be unpacked, because his perception of himself was mixed with a lot of non-factual things, but he couldn't perceive them.
It's like if you want to change the properties of a program, you need to unpack its source code so that you can redefine and correct it in a concrete way, and if we don't, we'll be in control of what the vocabulary gathers and that we subconsciously identify with.
Southern Weekend: We talk about relaxation, tension, and if these words mask some of people's deep emotions like "incompetence," then what is the point of their existence?
Cui Qinglong: There is a school of psychology called the school of mind, which means that if we can't distinguish and name our emotions, we can't uninstall that emotion. Therefore, some people will become more and more annoyed under the emotion of "annoyance", he does not know what it is, he cannot catch it, he cannot throw it out, and the outside world will stimulate him, and he will make himself more frizzy. Just like surgery has to have a target to point to that lesion, if you just blindly cut the knife, the wound is getting bigger and bigger. So the vocabulary is like a target, related to what your specific emotions are, and we can only appreciate it when we master that word. When one can perceive it, that emotion has been partially processed in a sense.
Southern Weekend: You argue that insecurity is becoming a special kind of psychosocial filter that has gone from figurative to abstract, losing boundaries that can be regulated and defined. How do we build our sense of security in life?
Cui Qinglong: I don't look at my phone every morning, and I don't look at my phone for the first hour or two, or even two or three hours, and at this time I am giving myself a boundary. Once I come into contact with the outside world, whether it is something that needs me or something that tells emotions, I need to invest in it, and instantly come to my life this day. So in the morning I left enough free space for myself to take care of my body and mind first. When I'm going to face this, I find a time frame and put everything together. I actually have a rough framework in mind, this framework does not look at it as if it is nothing, but it gives people a very high sense of certainty.
There is also a reasonable need to meet one's own needs, and reduce riskier decisions and reduce blind actions. People are more likely to do such things when they are anxious, just like online loans and online gambling now, which seem to give you hope, but it will make you exhausted. I would advise you to minimize the things that make you worry about it, even if it has relatively high financial benefits, but it will continue to deplete you emotionally and overdraft you. Make more security reserves for yourself, whether in the economic sense, or in the sense of ability, and the establishment of new life goals, which are very important for building a sense of security. The establishment of a sense of security is multi-dimensional, as long as you can grasp at several points, can stabilize, can become a part of your life, is the log cabin I just said, its basic ability to resist wind and rain is there, and this thing is a sense of security.
Southern Weekend: Like you said, it's important to have your own basic disk in life, it's "a state of life that brings a high degree of order to the heart." What elements do ordinary people need to master if they want to build this basic disk?
Cui Qinglong: I used to say to the people around me that you must have your own center of gravity in your life. For example, someone puts all their attention on one person in an intimate relationship, and pays attention to what the other person is thinking and doing all day long. When a person has such a state, often their life does not really belong to their own center of gravity. This seems to be a matter of intimacy, but it actually reflects that when a person has no center of gravity, he is more likely to be involved in the external environment and pulled to a chaotic place, and there will be a feeling of involuntary loss of control.
The focus of my life is something that you can highly control, that is exclusive to you, and that you are willing to put a lot of energy and attention into it. If there is, let it stabilize, it becomes more mature and weighty; If not, start cultivating now. We should have our own needle in our lives, and other places have undergone turbulent changes, as long as your core is still there, it can still be supported.
Southern Weekend reporter Li Yilan Southern Weekend intern Zhang Lu