Source: China Youth Daily
Manage the "god beast" at home Parents should first "save themselves"
Recently, many places have launched epidemic prevention policies for online teaching due to the impact of the epidemic. For many parents, this is undoubtedly a serious challenge - dual-career families who need to be on the job face difficulties in caring for their children, and parents who work from home are also feeling pressured under the dual task of "working again and bringing a baby". Li Xue, deputy chief physician of Peking University Sixth Hospital, reminded parents that in this case, it is even more important to take good care of themselves, cultivate self-adjustment and self-care capabilities, and enhance the "sense of parental effectiveness".
Li Xue explained that "parenting effectiveness" refers to individual parents' beliefs in their own two abilities: the ability to become effective and competent parents and the ability to exert a positive influence on their children's behavior and development. People with a strong sense of "parenting effectiveness" will think that they can "fulfill the role of parenting", that parenting is a valuable thing, and that they can discover the meaning and fun in it. Parents with a strong sense of "parenting effectiveness" are often richer and happier in their hearts, treat their children more gently, maintain sensitive insight when interacting with children, timely detect children's emotional changes and needs, and can gently meet children's needs and firmly regulate children's behavior. The study found that parenting effectiveness is the core factor affecting parenting style and parenting ability, and is the key to family education. The more efficient the parents, the higher the happiness index.
Stop and take care of yourself, even if it's only for 10 minutes
However, many times, parents will feel overwhelmed by being tired of coping with various things, resulting in a lot of psychological pressure, feeling that they are "not OK" and "there is no way to be a good parent". Li Xue pointed out that parents can only have a strong sense of "parenting effectiveness" when they are completely relaxed and in a happy mood. Parents must first take care of themselves before they can take good care of their children. Therefore, when parents perceive that they are experiencing various negative emotions in the face of stress and difficulties, they should realize that this is a signal and allow themselves to "stop".
"Stop" is to take care of yourself and adjust your emotions. "Even if it's only 10 minutes, put down the work in hand, give yourself a period of time alone, calm down and ask your body how it feels, 'Is it a little tired, a little sore back, a little stiff neck, a little bit of headache?' Then ask yourself how you feel, 'Is it a little irritable, a little angry, a little sad?' Li Xue said, "It is very important to know your emotions, in fact, when the emotions are recognized, they have been dealt with." ”
After recognizing your feelings and emotions, the next thing to ask yourself is what will make you feel comfortable doing something? For example, when you feel tired, ask yourself, do you want to lie down for a while, or do you want to go downstairs and walk around? When you feel sad and helpless, ask yourself, do you want to talk to someone on the phone or do you want to hear a song? Li Xue said that everyone has a way to let their emotions relax, and what parents need to do is to find this way, and then slowly practice adjusting themselves and dealing with their emotions in this way. It should be noted that in this process, it is necessary to reduce unconscious behavior, such as some parents will not be able to control themselves when they are emotionally on the head, yelling at their children, such behaviors are not helpful to themselves and their children.
For many parents, "stopping" is not easy and requires constant practice. Li Xue suggested that you can start from the time when you are in a better state, ask yourself how you feel at the moment, and then review how you feel physically and psychologically when you are in a bad state, ask yourself how to do it at that time, it may be better, and the next time you encounter this situation, try to let yourself "stop".
Express your true feelings and feelings to your child
In the process of practice, parents need to be keenly aware of the changes in their emotions and see their own changes and progress. "It's a process of reinforcing and motivating yourself." Li Xue said, "For example, the number of times you get angry with your child has changed from 20 times a day to 10 times a day, and from feeling irritable and immediately getting angry to stopping for 30 seconds and then getting angry, these are all good changes." "Parents should be good at seeing their own progress, and they should also be good at seeing their children's progress and seeing those gratifying changes in life." Li Xue believes that parents should learn to wear "colored glasses" to look at themselves, their children and their lives. "Colored glasses" refers to glasses that can find beauty. When parents put on "colored glasses", they can see all kinds of beauty in life.
After "stopping", parents must not only recognize their emotions, but also see their real needs. Li Xue found that many times, parents will be wrapped in guilt emotions and cannot see their real needs. "For example, during the period of home isolation, parents who have to take care of their children while working may not be able to do everything, so on the one hand, they will feel guilty about their work because of their low work efficiency, and on the other hand, they will feel guilty about their children because they have not taken good care of their children."
Parents need to be aware of their needs and know that they also need to be helped and cared for. "For example, parents may hope that their families can understand and share their emotions, and hope that the leaders and colleagues of the unit can understand their difficulties." Li Xue said, "Although these are reasonable needs, many times parents are unwilling to express, or even unwilling to face and admit that they have such needs." Parents should realize, "Maybe I don't have the opportunity to express my true needs to others, but I want to admit to myself and let myself know that I also need to be taken care of by others." If others can't take care of me, I'm going to take care of myself. "Only when parents can face their emotions authentically can they communicate with their children and their families peacefully." Therefore, when parents feel irritable and uncomfortable, they can tell their children, "I need to stay by myself for a while, relax, you can also relax and play by yourself for a while", instead of blaming the child because of their irritability. When parents express their true feelings and feelings to their children, the children will also respond sincerely, thus forming a virtuous circle.
There is a good side to everything, and the same is true for home isolation. Li Xue suggested that parents see home isolation as an opportunity to get along with their children in depth, and also practice self-adjustment and self-care. "No one is a perfect person and no one is a perfect parent. As long as you can be a real parent and communicate and communicate with your child sincerely, you are a good parent. Li Xue said.
Li Xue provides a way for parents and friends to make their daily lives happy, that is, parents and children together, make a list of happiness. Every day, use the time before going to bed to recall the beautiful things that happened that day, and write down these things in words or paintings or even recordings as the end of a good day.
"When parents can realize that there are many beautiful things in life, they will have more energy to face the difficulties and pressures in front of them and find solutions to problems." Children will feel that even if there are many difficulties in front of them, parents can cope with them, and life is still beautiful. Li Xue said.
China Youth Daily, China Youth Network reporter Xia Jin Source: China Youth Daily