"Qingming is all thankful" In previous years, when I pinched the festival and went back to plug in, my grandmother always said so.
I don't understand why Qingming is described as "thank you", she said that the deceased will carry the Qingming inserted by relatives on the streets in that life, the new funeral Qingming head, more than three years of no matter when it is not calculated, but it is late, thank you. It was like rushing to the flower market, last December we sent her lively, so now, I imagine her showing off, walking in front of the street market with a cigarette and a strong step, seeing the old friends who have quarreled, and may also pick their faces and look contemptuous.
And Grandpa and my parents should have arrived at the other side of the Forgotten River, the sound was vague, but I was afraid that I would not be able to receive the clarity we had inserted. At the end of the Qingming Dynasty yesterday, I dug up grass roots in front of my parents' graves for half a day, and the hateful Bamang always occupied the land at an alarming speed----- originally the surrounding area of my parents' grave, which my grandmother had cultivated for more than twenty years, but it was not planted in a season, and then a bush of thatch protruded out of the head.
Counting only four or five square meters, I deeply experienced the difficulty of hoeing the ground, which is not something I can do, originally after the death of my grandmother, I had the idea of returning to my hometown to plant vegetable gardens. I want to plant a circle of chrysanthemums outside the courtyard of the old house, and I want to reproduce my grandmother's flourishing in the vegetable field in the courtyard.
The old house was a brick and wood house that my parents began to make in 1993, a two-story building with two bays, which was still exquisite in the local area at that time, although it is now mottled and scattered. The building does not occupy much space, but the house is large enough because my parents were splitting the mountains and filling the lake at that time, and planned to prepare the foundations of my sister and brother. But their early deaths, this plan seems to have become a kind of obsession of the uncle, and after he completed his son's task of marriage, he mentioned to us more often that he wanted to rebuild the glory of his former sister.
It is I who can't afford to build a house, especially now when I think of my grandmother's death, the anxiety and bitterness born of lack of ability, which always makes me inevitable.
Don't think about it, don't think about it. But this is a festival that can not get around the topic of life and death, life and death for me, what I experienced was the death of my grandfather when I was twelve, and the memory seemed to be only sad for those few days, and then I went back to school and then gradually forgot; when my parents died at the age of eighteen, at that time, it was not at that time, it should have been a nightmare in the following one or two years, I always thought it was a nightmare, I thought it was a mistake into a different time and space, and then I accepted this truth about the time of the Qing Dynasty; now it is the death of my grandmother, who died at the age of eighty and five, which is called joy and mourning.
As for the aftermath, I would occasionally talk to her in a joking tone, and I would also talk to my brother and uncle privately. After my grandmother was bedridden last year, I calmly went to see her the cemetery with my uncle, packed up, calculated the cost, and made psychological and rational preparations that matched my age. Even subconsciously, I felt that she was so faint and weak, and there was no medicine for the medicine stone, and it was all a relief to her uncle.
"I'd rather grind in the world than lie in the soil." This is what Grandma used to say. She also interpreted her persistence with practical actions, digging potatoes in the moments before she fell ill, that is, last May, when she was eighty-four years old. And obviously has been discharged from the hospital, and can play cards and chat with the neighbors, but what pesticides to play, so that finally the organs fail.
You can imagine my irritation, for more than twenty years, she has been told not to farm the good words or bad words of warning, she always listened to the wind, secretly planted seedlings and cut rape in the field, went up the mountain to break bamboo shoots and dig herbs, and what kind of daytime door playing cards at night clipped flashlights to water the ground, rain planting hungry belly to collect firewood, are her routine operations.
With a strong bottom on her body, she enjoys the admiration of others for her: "This old woman is very strong, she can still farm at such an old age", or the sense of accomplishment when giving rice and melon fruits to relatives and friends. Completely disregarding her, who will take care of this old house, and if she falls ill, who will settle ---- "Don't be so selfish!" I told her in various tones of voice about my concerns.
But in the end, she fought against the years in her stubbornness, and I questioned her life in my position.
It was not a terminal illness, and she had always thought that she would be crooked for several years, but she was just as she had always said before: Who knows that after sleeping, she will not wake up the next day?
So on that night, she quietly fell into the eternal night.
I consoled myself that she was blessed, that she lived to her eighties without worry, that she had a high life expectancy, that she did not suffer from a long illness and that she could be considered a good death, and that she had her only son on the side.
On the way back from Fushan that day, my friend sighed and said: Think about people is really not worth it, but it is a life and death walk.
I said: What's not worth it? You see my grandmother, who has been vigorous all her life, how many stories she has experienced.
In fact, on the day my grandmother moved from the bed into the coffin, the room she lived in was dismantled and the table was changed into a fire room, and then I changed to a new stove and a new TV during the New Year.
It was when I was tuning the TV that I realized how troublesome it was to watch TV now, and I remembered that my illiterate grandmother couldn't watch digital TV at all; I could also brush my phone and watch the computer to pass the time, what about her? In the past twenty years or so of helping us take care of the old house, how did the long night pass? Especially on a boring night some time ago, I stared at the vegetable field in the courtyard and suddenly had the urge to light the lamp and hoe the grass.
It was a bit fatal---- when I tasted one percent of her life, a sudden sadness overwhelmed me and I couldn't breathe.
How can you regret not losing? But if she is still sick, in my heart, I am afraid that it is more of a resentment and resentment that will disrupt my life and increase my burden, who knows? At present, it is still often repeated in the contradiction between the liberation of the past and the regret of the cone of the heart, and after some time, the new Qing is inserted into the old Qing, and some pits in the heart will be filled by time, or another pit will be scraped out.
In the mountain forest where his grandmother was buried, his uncle also looked after his own return.
At an age when I began to accept frequent obituary, the topic of life and death was not as profound as when I was young and lamented the impermanence of life, and more of a simple and crude obsession of "I would rather grind in the world than lie in the soil". What meaningless, alive, healthy, guarding the qingming thanks again, colorful let them show off in that life.