01. Letter from a reader
Hello Kaigo, I am 25 he 28, we are introduced to each other by family, we have been together for almost a year.
My education is better than his, he does a general worker, and I am a custodial teacher, and his salary is a little higher than mine, but it is unstable.
The problem we have now is that I find him increasingly cold to me and increasingly reluctant to spend money on me.
When we first got together, when I fell, he would take me to the doctor every day, help me pay for my medication, and tell me that he would try to make more money, often invite me to dinner, and pick me up to and from work.
When we first started together, he was very proactive with me, no matter what.
Then two months later, because my parents of origin divorced, he didn't want me to rent a house outside myself, let me go to his parents' house and live with him, and since then he has been cold to me.
Now he refuses to pay and doesn't care, and picking me up and commuting also needs me to ask him to pick me up.
Usually in his home to play games, we basically do not have any common interests, when I was sick with fever he did not care about me for the first time, but played games, a lot of things I let him do reluctantly.
Now living together for 8 months, he didn't have the slightest idea of marrying me, and when he asked him, he said he didn't have money to get married, and he would talk later.
Do things to hide and deceive me, I don't allow him to do things that must be done, he is very willful, he likes things must be taken, no matter how hard, there are things that are not discussed with me.
For example, when I didn't let him eat betel nut, he lied to me that it was given to him by a colleague, but in fact he bought it himself to eat, and asked why he said that he was afraid that I would scold him.
And he is also unwilling to spend money for me, because I have made some investments before and owe some money, so I need to pay more, he is not very willing, let me use my salary to consume, do not ask him to pay.
And what his parents do is always speak to his parents and make me tolerant of his parents.
I was okay with his parents, my mother was sick, I accompanied her to see, and accompanied her to go for a walk, buy snacks that his mother liked to eat, and his mother treated me generally.
He wanted me to get married and live with my parents, but his parents were in poor health and his family was poor.
Every time I argue with him now, he never tolerates me, and every time he has to talk back to me, argue that you are wrong to me, and say some ugly personal attacks to hurt my heart.
In the end, it was I who asked him to apologize to me, and he apologized.
Kaige, I feel that this relationship has come to an end, and I want to hear your analysis and answers from Kaige.
02. Kai Zi replied
Hello girl, many girls will feel that I have lived with this boy for a long time, so this man is not willing to be good to me, but let's see if this problem is between you?
1. Does he really not care about you?
You think he doesn't care about you, and you need to call him to pick up and drop off when you commute, depending on whether he really has time to pick up after work.
And after two people have been together for a long time, if you always want each other to pick up, this will indeed have pressure, the way is fine, if you specifically want to pick up, it will still be more difficult.
You said that when you are sick, he does not care about you for the first time, but plays games, which depends on whether he cares about you in the end, as long as he is really willing to care about you, isn't that enough?
You say a lot of things, you let him do it, he just reluctantly did it, is this because you have a strong desire to control, as long as you want him to do it, he must do it?
You want him to listen to you, have to pick you up and drop you off, communicate with you, care about you, so what have you done for him?
2) Why doesn't he want to marry you?
You've been living together for 8 months and he has no idea of marrying you, come and see why?
You say, you don't allow him to do things, he has to do, he is very willful, then is it he who is willful, or are you? Why you ask him to do something, he must do it.
You want him to listen to you, so have you also tried to respect his thoughts and intentions?
Just like he eats betel nut to hide from you, you ask him why, he says he is afraid that you will scold him, so is this not the truth?
He has been with you for so long, is it that you are not satisfied with him and will scold him and blame him?
You see, your requirements for him are quite high, and your desire to control is quite strong, and no man wants to be controlled like this, which is probably why he did not offer to marry you!
3) Why doesn't he want to spend money on you?
You say he doesn't want to spend too much money on you, but you've lost money on your previous investment and asked him to pay more, but he doesn't want to.
Think about why he wouldn't want to? If it is the daily expenses of the two parties together, I think maybe he will not be unwilling.
He lets you spend on your own salary, which means that if you like to buy something, buy it yourself, instead of having no money yourself, and let him pay for your consumption.
Especially if you still have foreign debt, you should also be more planned, rather than asking him to bear these responsibilities for you, are you right?
4. Is he really partial to his parents?
He asked you to tolerate your parents, and you said you were okay with his parents, but his mother treated you generally.
What is the difference between what you call "OK" and "average", I am not easy to judge.
But from the words between the lines, you can see that you hate him very much, and you think that his parents are in poor health and poor.
5. Why is he important and you are right or wrong?
You say that he and you quarrel never tolerate you, always have to talk back to you, to argue that you are wrong.
Have you ever thought about what a quarrel is, it is that both parties are unwilling to accept each other's views and are unwilling to compromise.
So why do you have to ask him to accept your point of view, and have you tried to accept his point of view as well?
You feel that he is against you and he is talking back to you, and you see the word you use to "talk back", which shows that in your heart, he must listen to you, he must obey you unconditionally.
You said he would say something very ugly to hurt your heart, I don't know what he said, but is it possible that you also said a lot of hurtful things to him?
Finally you let him apologize, he will also apologize to you, have you ever thought that he is willing to admit his mistake every time, in fact, he also cares about your performance?
And you, have you taken the initiative to recognize your mistakes?
6. Why do you feel that your feelings have come to an end?
Have you ever wondered why? Is it entirely his fault?
Is it that he doesn't care about you, doesn't value you, doesn't cherish you?
Is it possible that it is difficult to continue because you are too strong, do not consider his feelings, and everything must be centered on you, and he needs to compromise and give in?
I don't know if you have found out, in fact, you are a very insecure, and very controlling girl, you are insecure, so you want your boyfriend to listen to you, everything to put you first, but is this fair to your boyfriend?
Do you think he's happy with you? Does he feel valued and cared for again?
In today's case, you are also welcome to talk about your suggestions and views in the comment area, what advice will you give to this girl?
If you are like this girl, in a relationship feel that the relationship between two people is getting weaker and weaker, do not know whether to go or stay, do not know where the problem is, you can privately believe me, I will teach you how to judge where the problem is, and how to judge whether the relationship should continue or end?