On the first day of the small long holiday, Guo Ren's mother came to recommend an animated movie that made me very touched after watching it and had some special thoughts - "The Metamorphosis of Youth". I originally wanted to recommend everyone to show it to their children, but after I really read it, I felt that we parents should take a look at it.
Today's article starts from the perspective of "adolescence". This "stage of life that every child must go through" often makes parents distressed. I believe that after you read it, you can not only reconcile with your own adolescence, but also give yourself a preventive injection against the adolescent problems that your baby may encounter in the future.
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This article is transferred from Ivy Dad
ID: ivydad_ivydad, authorized
Recently, the epidemic has hit back, many schools have closed classes, and children have begun to learn at home.
In order to make the children not bored when they are at home, I once again volunteered to serve as a movie recommendation officer, such as this year's Douban 8.2 score, countless people acclaimed anime "Turning Red".
But what surprised me was that this film, which was excellent in content and production, was severely resisted by many foreign parents, on the grounds that the film depicted the erotic desires of teenagers too bluntly and worried that children would be affected.
Seeing these arguments, I remembered that a mother on the Internet once said: "The thought of a child having sexual desire one day is a bit of a breakdown!" ”
Yes, think of the soft and sticky baby who grew up a little in his arms, like an adult with sexual awareness, parents do have to go through some psychological construction.
However, what makes it difficult for parents to accept is that the child will have sexual desire? In fact, it is also difficult for them to accept the obedient child who suddenly has an opinion, suddenly begins to resist, and suddenly confronts himself everywhere...
And these changes happen almost overnight, that is, during the child's adolescence!
Compared with the rapid growth of children, many parents are quite hindsighted. They all want their children to grow up healthily, but when they really have to face their children's growth, parents often react not with joy but with anger.
They really can't accept the sudden change of the child, and a good child suddenly "becomes bad".
But imagine, is this also the case when we are adolescence?
At the topic selection meeting, a colleague said:
"When we were in the second year of junior high school, the whole class went on strike, smashing the blackboard and tearing up the papers, and the English teacher was so angry that he cried in public."
Another colleague said:
"When I was in my first year of junior high school, I basically didn't talk to my parents, and I thought I was cool."
Talking and talking, everyone laughed, it turns out that when we were adolescence, we were all "bear children" in other people's mouths!
Why do adolescent children suddenly have a "big change of temperament"? This starts with the development mechanism of puberty.
As a "period of great change" in human development, this time the child's body organs develop rapidly and independent consciousness sprouts. They are neither adults nor children, but they face the problems of adults and children at the same time, want to be independent but dependent, want to be themselves and care about the comments of others...
Driven by contradictions, entanglements, and confusion, they will deliberately show that they are very strong and independent, but they are quite helpless in their hearts, because they do not know how they do not want to be a good baby, how they always want to do "bad things".
This is when they are most vulnerable and most in need of parental support and understanding, but the reality is that many parents are still immersed in the sadness of the sudden breakdown of the parent-child relationship, and do not know how to get close to the child who suddenly becomes "another person".
A beijing sample survey showed that nearly half of middle school students were extremely resentful or resentful of their parents
THE WHO's delineation of adolescence is for children aged 10 to 20, and there are no years left for our parents.
In order to prevent everyone from being blind and being "extremely disgusted" and "hated" by children, it is strongly recommended that you see this "Youth Metamorphosis".
A brief introduction to the plot of the movie: Xiaomei, a 13-year-old girl, suddenly finds that when she is angry, angry or excited, she will turn into a giant red red panda, and when she is calm, she will change back to a human. Mom says this superpower is terrible and unites with the family to prepare to seal the red panda inside her.
This animated film does not mention "adolescence", but it is full of metaphors for adolescence.
What adolescent children really think and how they will behave, this movie shows it very well.
Behind menstrual shame is sexual shame
Parents want their children to be pure and flawless forever, but unfortunately, the development of adolescence is centered on "sex".
Before the age of 13, Xiaomei was a perfect daughter, which can be called the anime version of "Gu Ailing": excellent grades, well-behaved and sensible, confident and sunny, and all-round development of sound and body beauty.
But after an unremarkable morning, Xiaomei "became another person" - a giant red red panda more than 2 meters tall. This red panda is covered with red fluff, a big belly, and a smelly body.
What's worse is that for the first time, she burst into a foul mouth to her mother:
"You get me out."
As soon as the words came out, Xiaomei herself froze first. She felt like she had become an impolite, grumpy, bad boy full of flaws.
So how did Xiaomei become like this overnight?
It started the night before.
That night, Xiaomei was writing her homework, when she suddenly remembered the handsome cashier at the convenience store, and she drew the handsome man on the notebook.
Looking at the handsome man's appearance, Xiaomei's brain was out of control, kissing him, hugging him, touching his abs, pulling his hand... All kinds of shameful pictures unfold in the mind. She ran under the bed and drew the scenes she had in her notebook.
Unexpectedly, these paintings were seen by the mother, who thought that her daughter had met the wolf and ran to the supermarket in a menacing manner.
But in fact, the cashier didn't even know who Xiaomei was.
Seeing her mother spread her painting in front of the cashier handsome man, Xiaomei only wanted to dig three feet into the ground. For an adolescent girl, there is nothing more sad than losing face in front of a crush.
In the movie, Xiaomei turns into a red red panda. However, it is not difficult to see from the details of Xiaomei's cramped uneasiness, strong sense of shame and drinking hot water that this is a metaphor for girls to take menstrual leave.
After the mother found that her daughter was abnormal, she quickly brought sanitary napkins, painkillers, and herbal tea. She knew that her daughter would have this day sooner or later and was in no hurry.
However, the mother only regarded the menstrual leave as a simple physiological change, and did not realize that her daughter's psychological state had undergone earth-shaking changes.
Actually? Sexual development during puberty, while sexual characteristics change, the child's sexual consciousness is undergoing a fundamental change. Changes in the body, coupled with the development of sexual organs, will make children have strong sexual impulses and sexual desires.
I don't know what day it started, adolescence suddenly came, and some female classmates who were originally just good-looking became charming in my eyes overnight.
——Excerpt from Luo Yonghao's "Mein Kampf"
The reason for this change is inseparable from the large secretion of sex hormones.
TannerStage, which can be translated as the Tanner stage or sexual maturity level, measures the physical development criteria of children, adolescents and adults, divided into 5 stages, each of which has a clear indicator of sexual development, and the fifth stage represents full development.
From the above figure, we can see that the testosterone hormone of 13-year-old boys and the estrogen secretion rate of 12-year-old girls soared, which led to their sudden opening of love sinuses and the development of a good feeling for the opposite sex. But at this time, they are still only in the instinctive stage of sexual attraction, and have not gone deep into the stage of emotional communication, so the object of crush is easy to change.
For example, Xiaomei has several objects of admiration.
Out of the campus, the favorite is the cashier handsome guy.
In school, my favorite is the handsome guy who drags the sky.
On the stage, the favorite is the handsome and singing "4 City Boys".
This period is also known as the "crush" stage, and teenagers will project their sexual consciousness onto different people. When this period has passed, some teenagers may concentrate their admiration on one person, and often have the illusion of marriage, and it is really possible to enter the love stage.
Therefore, parents should be clear that children's sexual desires are not guided by whom, but the inevitable result of the large secretion of sex hormones and the maturity of the body, which is the embodiment of human reproductive instincts.
If you find that your child has a crush or is curious about sex, don't feel that your child is learning badly, but should accept it calmly.
On the contrary, if the child does not have any signs of sexual consciousness awakening before the age of 15, and the secondary sexual characteristics do not appear for a long time, parents should pay close attention: because this may be a manifestation of developmental delay, they must see a doctor quickly.
Puberty is the first time a child runs away from "home"
There is another important reason that prompted Xiaomei to change from a well-behaved girl to a red panda overnight: that is, when her mother angrily accused the cashier, Xiaomei's classmates happened to be present, and they were also the male classmates who loved to say bad things about Xiaomei and be mean.
Xiaomei was initially worried that he would spread the news to the school and let others know what was wrong with him.
This girl, who originally had no heart and no lungs, and was confident and sunny, experienced for the first time what sensitivity and vulnerability are.
In the view of David Elkind, an American child psychologist, this is precisely because adolescent thinking has the characteristics of "self-centeredness".
Teenagers feel like they're in the center of the stage at all times, and everyone around them is very concerned about their every move, so they care a lot about the outside world's evaluation, which is called the "imaginary audience".
This phenomenon has also been validated in the field of neuroscience. Experiments have proved that when they receive attention from the outside world, the emotional response of adolescents is very intense, and the level of anxiety has risen a lot.
This is so because the medial prefrontal lobes of adolescents are very active during puberty. The medial prefrontal lobe, the neural basis of the "self," becomes very active in social situations or when the self is thought of.
The Harvard University study found that the medial prefrontal lobe activity peaked at the age of 15
The next day, Xiaomei carefully came to the school, and the male classmate did bring her comic to the school, and mocked her as a clown.
What's worse is that my mother is still holding a sanitary napkin outside the classroom and shouting: "Meimei, you forgot to bring a sanitary napkin!" ”
This is the second time in her life that Xiaomei suffered a social death after the supermarket.
The immense anger and embarrassment made her turn into a giant red panda again. In the stunned eyes of everyone, Meimei ran back home.
Even though her mother told her the secret of the family and told her that she could seal the red panda after a ritual, Meimei could not calm down.
Miraculously, a few good friends' words of "hello cool" made Meimei instantly peaceful and changed back into human form.
Why is my mother's evaluation not as effective as my good friend's evaluation?
This has to mention the results of the study of Blakemore, a well-known American psychology professor: through experiments, he confirmed that adolescents have much higher levels of anxiety than adults when they are excluded.
This means that adolescents are very concerned about social exclusion, especially the views and evaluations of their peers. They are eager to meet their contract seniors and integrate into the group.
So admit it, at this stage, good friends may be more important than parents, and it is more attractive to integrate into the same age group than to return to the family. Although they still need the care of their parents financially and in their lives, they have begun to "run away from home" mentally.
When parents are unaware of change and continue to regard their children as the center of the world, the child's world has begun to expand rapidly, and parents are no longer their only concern.
In order to be able to watch the star concert with her classmates, Meimei learned to lie and even scratched her head in front of her mother.
At that moment, the mother felt that her world had collapsed.
Like Meimei mothers, there are many parents who refuse to admit that their children have grown up, are unwilling to accept the sense of loss of control, and refuse to grow up with their children, which is the main reason for the sharp deterioration of the relationship between teenagers and parents.
Proper intervention and decent withdrawal are compulsory for parents
There are two other details in the film that impressed me.
One is that Meimei ran home after transforming into a red panda at school, and although her mother has been comforting Meimei that she is "okay", for safety reasons, she still locks Meimei in the room alone.
Mom only thinks that the red panda is a dark force and wants to control it. But I forgot that at this moment, Meimei needs the most understanding and support. Even if Meimei was so angry that she smashed something, her mother did not go in and hug her daughter.
Instead, Meimei's friend asked her with concern what was wrong, whether she was sad, and praised the appearance of the red panda loudly.
Mom once said that beauty is her whole world. Obviously, she loves her daughter.
But part of her love may not be what her daughter needs.
On the other hand, the rebellious and lying Beauty does not seem to love her mother as much as before.
But in fact, what she cares about most is still her mother.
- When she spoke loudly to her mother, her first reaction was to blame herself;
- When she involuntarily thought of the handsome cashier, her first reaction was also self-blame;
- When she lied and went to an idol concert with her friends, her first reaction was to blame herself.
She blamed herself, not because she felt it was wrong to do so, but because she knew that doing so would disappoint her mother and hurt her.
Although she eventually became a rebellious and disobedient bad boy in her mother's eyes, she longed for her mother's acceptance and love more than anyone else, and loved her mother more than anyone.
This is the greatest suffering for adolescent children. Physical development makes them want to become an adult, and psychological vulnerability and helplessness make them want to return to the arms of their parents.
Conflict, struggle, and lack of experience and cognition make adolescents vulnerable to emotional distress and may develop severe depression or even suicidal tendencies.
Therefore, rather than saying that adolescent children are the most rebellious, it is better to say that adolescent children are the most vulnerable and need the nourishment of their parents' "love".
So what should we do?
1. Do a good job in psychological construction, learn sex education knowledge, give correct guidance when children have doubts, and help children spend this time smoothly;
2. Take care of the child's self-esteem, maintain the child's face, help the child become a person with high self-esteem, and establish a stable self-awareness;
3. Pay attention to the child's social interaction and guide the child to make friends with people who are consistent with the three views;
4, do not be tough with children, they are difficult to control emotions, it is easy to be impulsive, and fighting a war of words will only provoke them to take risks.
Although Xiao Chang has not yet officially entered puberty, I have already initially experienced the difficulties of adolescent parents. For example, when he used to correct his sitting posture, he would sit obediently. But recently he has stopped being so obedient and always has to be reminded several times to cooperate once.
At that moment, disappointment and anger mixed together, and the fire in my heart rose. But when I think about the phrase "the next generation is disobedient, it is the driving force for human beings to continue to move forward", I calm down a lot.
He did not violate the law, did not hurt others, just had a different idea and style of doing things than adults, so why should parents make a big fuss?
With the test of adolescence still two years away, I set myself two tasks:
Keep learning and stay calm.
Are you ready to be tested?
What troubles did you have when you were adolescence?
What are you worried about about your children?
Let's talk about it in the message area
Article source 丨 Ivy Dad. Operated by a harvard and Yale university graduate who has worked in the world's top investment banks for many years, the public name aims to share scientific parenting knowledge and high-quality educational resources.
References 丨
[1]https://www.impactprogram.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/Kuper-2014-Puberty-Blockers-Pamphlet.pdf
[2]https://www.healthline.com/health/parenting/stages-of-puberty#takeaway
[3]https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Imaginary_audience
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