The word extortion can be used not only for extortion, but also for emotions.
When blackmail occurs emotionally, the extortionist often uses threats and pressure to force the victim to give up his choice and obey the blackmailer's request.
Meimei recently had a new boyfriend, which was supposed to be the most annoying time for them, but just two days ago they had a fierce argument.
The reason the two men quarreled was because Meimei's boyfriend said to her,
"I don't want to share your love with your girlfriend, so you have to choose 1 out of 2 between me and your girlfriend."
If you want to be with me, then you have to cut ties with your girlfriends, otherwise I think it's hard for us to continue, and that's it. ”
In this story, Meimei's boyfriend will do this because he believes that in the relationship, Meimei's love can only belong to him alone, and he is not allowed to share Meimei's love with him, so he will use the threat of breaking up to ask Meimei and his girlfriend to cut off contact.
Meimei's boyfriend uses the banner of love, but in fact uses threats to force Meimei to meet his requirements. This kind of behavior of his is already emotional blackmail.
In fact, a lot of emotional blackmail in life is not obvious, we often can't find out in time when we fall into each other's emotional blackmail, so we need to learn to identify the emotional blackmailers around us, so as to avoid our subconscious to meet their requirements.
So what are the characteristics and manifestations that we can identify the emotional blackmailers around us?
In fact, in life, emotional blackmailers know us very well, and they are often people who are close to us.
For example, our family and friends know all about our weaknesses and psychological secrets, and they also know that we care deeply about the intimate relationship with them, and will make compromises and concessions in order to maintain the relationship.
However, people with different personalities tend to behave differently when it comes to emotional blackmail against us.
In summary, we can divide them into 4 categories: abusers, masochists, sadists, and seducers.
The first type of emotional blackmail, the abuser.
This type of person is the easiest to identify among emotional blackmailers.
They tend to make specific demands clearly, and if we raise objections, they take their anger directly at us.
In emotional blackmail, they usually have two ways of manifesting themselves:
The first manifestation of the abuser is to actively abuse the abuser.
They will directly vent their anger and even make verbal or verbal threats.
For example, when a wife files for divorce, the husband will threaten to force his wife to dismiss the idea, "If you are going to divorce me, you will never want to see children again." ”
Obviously, the husband, as an emotional blackmailer, knows very well that the child is the wife's weakness, and only by threatening the child can the wife give in and give up the intention of divorcing him.
The second manifestation of the abuser, the negative abuser.
This type of blackmailer usually does not directly vent anger, but uses a way of not saying a word, sulking and cold war with the other party to show their anger.
For example, after hearing that the other party refused their request, the expression on their face immediately became cloudy, unwilling to say more to you, turned around and entered the door, slammed the door, until you went forward to apologize to him, he will have a softer expression and give you a reaction.
Violent emotional blackmailers, whether in a positive or negative way, will fully express their anger through verbal or behavioral violence and vent it on us.
This will make us feel frightened, frightened by their posture, and thus subconsciously choose to give in.
For example, we may take the initiative to overture in order to ease the atmosphere, or we may have to agree to their demands under the threat of the other party, so that the purpose of the extortionist can be easily achieved.
The second type of emotional blackmailer, the masochist.
As the name suggests, this type of person internalizes all the threats, and if we don't agree with their demands, they do something to themselves, putting pressure on us by punishing themselves.
For example, Xiao Zhang's extramarital affair object is such a person.
In the process of Xiao Zhang's extramarital affair with her, because she could not stand her increasing desire for taking and controlling, she proposed to break up several times, but none of them was successful.
Because, whenever Xiao Zhang proposed to break up, the extramarital affair would always call Xiao Zhang two or three days later, and tell him weakly, "I feel like I'm dying, I haven't eaten or slept for several days, can you come and see me." ”
Or send a photo of the self-harm and cut wrist directly to Xiao Zhang.
Xiao Zhang is afraid of making things bigger, there is no way to let it go, and the end is naturally reconciled again, and she has to continue to maintain an improper extramarital relationship with her.
Masochistic emotional blackmailers often use bitter meat meters against us by punishing themselves.
They will take full advantage of our inner fear and guilt to convince us that if we don't accede to their demands, they will really do more hurtful behaviors that will force us to obey their demands and achieve their goals.
The third type of emotional blackmail, the sad one.
They are very good at charging others and making each other feel strongly guilty.
Often, they will imply that if we don't do what they say they say, then they will suffer, and it's all our fault.
For example, whenever there is a New Year's festival, Xiao Chen is always depressed, because it is time to go back to his hometown to visit his mother-in-law.
Every time I go back to my hometown, my mother-in-law always counts her husband in front of her, "Now that I am older, life is not very convenient, you don't have much to come back to see, it is really married to a daughter-in-law and forgot her mother." ”
Sad-type emotional blackmailers, they will not hurt anyone on both sides in action, often they will use a more mournful tone, through the way of complaining, complaining to us to express dissatisfaction.
They will make us realize that if we do not accede to their demands, then their situation will become very bad and more pitiful, thus arousing the intolerance and compassion in our hearts and making us have to meet their demands.
The fourth type of emotional blackmail, the seducer.
This type of blackmailer tends to promise that if we do what they say, then they will give us the sweetness we want.
Their most common phrase is, "I'll help you, whatever you want." ”
For example, in the workplace, some bosses will say this in order to motivate subordinates to do better jobs, "I will help you say a few more beautiful words in front of the boss, help you win this rare promotion opportunity as soon as possible, as long as you sign the big customer." ”
This type of person is actually the least likely to be discovered.
Because, the temptations they give are often what we very much want.
This can easily fall into their trap unconsciously, and they can make us obedient with little effort, thus achieving what they ask us to do.
In life, emotional blackmailers of different personalities tend to behave in different ways, and when we can identify the emotional blackmailers around us, we can avoid repeating past behavior patterns when facing emotional blackmail.
We can no longer wronged ourselves and firmly choose our hearts, rather than blindly subconsciously meeting their requirements.
Well, after a brief understanding of what emotional blackmail is and its four types of manifestation, let's consider another question:
Why do emotional blackmailers succeed? What role do we play as victims?
On the surface, the process of emotional blackmail is when the emotional blackmailer actively forces the blackmailed person to do something that satisfies their requirements.
But in fact, without the "help" of the blackmailed person, emotional blackmail will not form.
Among them, our emotions have made a lot of "contributions" to the goal of extortion.
Every day of our lives is surrounded by emotions, such as happiness, sadness, fear, and so on.
However, it is hard to imagine that in these seemingly ordinary emotions, there are three emotions that are easily exploited by emotional blackmailers: fear, responsibility and guilt.
These three seemingly ordinary emotions have invisibly become our weaknesses.
They become weapons against us in the hands of emotional blackmailers, bringing us pain and stress.
And in order to escape these pains, we involuntarily choose to succumb to their demands.
So, how exactly are all three emotions exploited by emotional blackmailers?
Let's first look at the first emotion that is easily exploited by emotional blackmailers, the sense of fear.
In life, each of us will feel afraid and afraid of things, such as fear of being abandoned by a lover, fear of being fired by the boss, fear of being isolated by friends.
In fact, behind these fears, it is because we want to get the affirmation and recognition of our family, partners, friends and superiors, and hope to see the value of our existence in each other.
The pursuit of recognition is a very normal thing in itself.
But people who pursue approval excessively, they will be particularly eager to get the approval of others, and if they don't get approval, they will feel that they are a failure, and then they will feel that they are deeply hit.
Deep down in their hearts, they show great fear of not getting approval.
At this time, emotional blackmailers only need to exert a little pressure, and it is easy to succeed.
Babe is such a girl who pursues recognition excessively.
In her impression, when she was a child, her parents also loved her very much, but since the birth of her brother, everything has changed.
The love and attention of the parents almost all shifted to the younger brother alone.
For Babe, losing the love and approval of her parents was disastrous.
She was very afraid that from now on she would have no place in her parents' hearts.
In order to regain the love of her parents, Babe has been forced to develop a habit since she was a child, that is, to always ask herself to do everything to the best, as long as it is a request made by her parents, she will do her best to meet.
After falling in love, Babe's way of getting along with her boyfriend slowly became the way she got along with her parents.
Babe feels that she will only feel safe if she constantly gets approval from her boyfriend.
So, she didn't dare to go against her boyfriend's wishes at all, afraid that if she didn't do what her boyfriend asked for, she would lose his love.
Although many of the choices did not come from Babe's heart, she still played the role of an obedient girlfriend in front of her boyfriend and never dared to say "no" to her boyfriend.
For people who over-chase recognition, in order to get the approval of others, they will choose to constantly meet each other's requirements.
If they don't get approval, they will feel very scared and frightened, they will think that they must be doing something good enough, and then instinctively want to correct their behavior.
But this habit is precisely the habit that makes it easy for them to fall into the trap of emotional blackmailers.
Because at this time, the emotional blackmailer simply says, "If you don't do what I say, then I can't love you anymore."
Or if you show a corresponding cold violence, you will easily control the extortionist.
Emotional blackmailers can easily manipulate their behavior, leaving them powerless to resist and obedient.
The second emotion that is easily exploited by emotional blackmailers is a sense of responsibility.
Growing up, we are all taught to be responsible people. Not only to be responsible for yourself, but also to learn to be responsible to others.
Responsibility is like a compass, it will invisibly guide our behavior, drive us to take the initiative to complete something.
This would have been a good thing for us, but in the eyes of emotional blackmailers, responsibility has become our weakness.
For example, when they are unhappy, it will make us clearly feel that all this is our responsibility, because we do not do what they ask, which will lead to their unhappiness, as long as we obey, all these problems can be solved.
The relationship between Xiaojin's parents has not been very good, and in the process of Xiaojin's growth, they often have disputes and cold wars, but they have no choice to divorce Xiaojin.
Xiao Jin, who grew up in such a family atmosphere, naturally lived a very depressed life.
When he was a child, Xiao Jin's mother often complained to him that his father was not, and said, "If it were not for you, I would have divorced your father a long time ago." ”
This makes young Jin think that since his parents have given up the right to choose happiness again for him, then he has the responsibility to make his parents happy.
Therefore, in order to enliven the atmosphere at home, Xiaojin collects all kinds of funny stories and jokes at school every day, just so that he can tell his parents at dinner and want to make them smile a little more.
Xiao Jin feels that the unhappiness of his parents' lives is all because of him, without him, his parents would have divorced long ago, and then lived happily in their respective lives.
Therefore, as long as it can make the parents happy, any request they make, Xiao Jin will willingly meet.
Slowly, Xiao Jin developed the habit of taking all the responsibility on his shoulders.
In fact, a person with a sense of responsibility does not mean that he is responsible for all the problems encountered in life.
Sometimes we put too much responsibility and burden on ourselves and overwhelm ourselves.
Like Kim, we often think that we have a responsibility to make our close family and friends live well.
But in reality, this too big task is not beneficial to us, but will make us more vulnerable to emotional blackmailers.
Emotional blackmailers can easily guide us to do what they ask by instilling us with incorrect thoughts, causing us to lose our balance in our sense of responsibility.
Just like XiaoJin's mother, she will emphasize how great a sacrifice she has made, how much effort she has made for Xiaojin, and hint at how Xiaojin should repay them is the right thing to do.
The third emotion, which is easily exploited by emotional blackmailers, is guilt.
Guilt is an emotion that arises from the fear of being condemned because we have done something wrong.
When it is produced, it makes us feel very uncomfortable.
At this time, the moral code in our values will jump out and guide us to do something to alleviate this discomfort.
In fact, the guilt hidden in our bodies is like an alarm.
Some people's alarms are not sensitive, and some people's alarms are very sensitive, as long as there is a little wind, it will alarm bells, reminding you that your behavior has deviated and needs to be corrected in time.
YOYO has a sensitive alarm.
YOYO is a housewife, the first two years in order to take care of the baby quit the job, the family's financial responsibilities naturally fell on her husband's head alone, the pressure is not small.
As the children grew up, the expenses increased, and the outbreak of the epidemic caused YOYO's husband's income to be much lower than before.
Recently, her husband has always consciously or unconsciously lamented to YOYO that if you hadn't resigned at that time, you can now earn more, and my pressure is not so great.
Listening to these words, the already sensitive YOYO felt that it was because he made the wrong decision at that time, which led to the pressure on her husband now.
If I had been able to balance the relationship between family and work like other mothers, my husband would not have been sad all day now.
At this time, YOYO's guilt reminds her that she needs to do something to make up for her husband, so as to alleviate a little guilt in her heart.
Therefore, although YOYO feels very wronged in her heart, she still takes care of her husband's food and clothing more carefully than before, and is afraid that if she does not do a good job, she will make her husband angry.
In fact, a sensitive alarm like YOYO can easily become a weapon for emotional blackmailers.
Emotional blackmailers just need to make us feel that it's because something we do is causing them to feel depressed.
Naturally, this is when our guilt will arise.
Emotional blackmailers keep waking up the alarm bells of guilt and allowing us to meet their demands and achieve their goals.
Well, that's all for today's group lesson.
As the first lesson of emotional blackmail, today we will simply introduce what emotional blackmail is, the four types of manifestations of emotional blackmail, and how our emotions are used by extortionists as weaknesses.
In the next lesson, we will expand more specifically on how to get rid of these emotional blackmail, make changes, and jump out of the vicious circle of perfection in the relationship.
Only when we truly understand the reasons behind the formation of emotional blackmail can we find a way to get rid of emotional blackmail.
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