"When you can't juggle your child and your job, give up your job and focus on your baby at home, because you're a mom."
A slightly harsh exhortation forced all mothers who were eager to find a balance between professional women and motherhood into "time management masters".
Looking forward and backward, running day and night, working with the baby with both hands, and striving to achieve more than 90 points at both ends, it is the norm and self-requirement.
On the way to becoming a "superman", working mothers run hard and dare not stop for a moment.
If the mothers in the workplace are supermen, then the working mothers in the Internet industry are the "fighters" in superman.
In the face of the high-pressure, fast-paced 996 workplace environment, they are quickly and efficiently switching their identities anytime, anywhere.
On the one hand, they must always respond to the requirements of work and strive to keep their careers moving forward steadily, on the other hand, they are afraid of missing out on the growth of their children only once in a lifetime.
They are even more afraid of being accused of being an unqualified "bad mother" because they choose to continue working.
Continuing to pursue a career will inevitably sacrifice time spent with children. Choosing to become a full-time wife, in the ever-changing Internet world, means facing a crisis of disconnection from the industry.
On the back of the "dilemma", there are countless struggles and twists and turns of Internet mothers.
Adjust the way you work, compress sleep, fragment cut time, sacrifice promotion opportunities... Whichever option you choose is a university question that is closely related to "willingness".
Get up at 6:00 a.m. to wash up, eat breakfast and read picture books with children from 7:00 to 8:30 a.m., leave for the company before 9:00 p.m., get home at 8:00 p.m., and only have a sandwich on the road for dinner.
After spending 2 hours at night to put the child to sleep, continue to work overtime. By the time I was lying in bed with everything in place, it was already 3 a.m.
The above is almost a day for the novice mother Lin Cheekyu.
Lin Zhiyu made a time plan table for herself
She has always been a workaholic, and the most feared thing after giving birth is that the identity of "mother" will eliminate her sense of achievement in her career. After much thought, she decided to work while taking care of the children.
24 hours a day, anxious, lack of skills, I wish I had three heads and six arms.
According to Lin Qiyu's previous life plan, having a child should be after the age of 32.
Unexpectedly, at the age of 30, the first child arrived two years early. The mixture of struggling to cope with unfamiliar changes in physical hormones and anxiety about her career brought her both physical and mental shocks.
Lin Qiyu before pregnancy Lin Qiyu before pregnancy
At the beginning of her pregnancy, Lin Zhiyu was engaged in a corporate consulting management work, and her frequent business trips and high-pressure working environment made her transaminases dozens of times higher than that of ordinary pregnant women.
Her poor physical condition worries her about the health of her fetus all day long, and it also seriously interferes with her work. She was like a great enemy.
Not yet fully prepared to be a mother, new dilemmas ensued.
Enterprise consulting management is a position that requires 24 hours on standby, most of the time, equivalent to one person carrying the entire operation of the project. However, headaches and brain fever and bumps are common for a newborn who is still swaddling.
For a long time, Lin Zhiyu lived in a deep sense of guilt and self-blame - because she chose to be a working mother, she could not appear first when her children needed it most.
She often suspected her incompetence and secretly hid and cried.
Lin Zhiyu prepared for the MBA exam during pregnancy
After conceiving her second child, Lin Zhiyu once again ushered in a long pregnant life.
At first, in order to maintain a good physical condition, she chose to resign and raise a baby. However, the workplace is like a battlefield, and if you are not careful, you will lose your personal competitiveness.
In order to continue to stay in the workplace, she obtained an MBA during pregnancy and decided to start her own business. Maybe this time at her disposal, she thought, would gradually increase.
Starting a business has the pressure to start a business. Startup teams need to do everything themselves. Lin Zhiyu travels between Hangzhou and Shenzhen all day long, and the number of times he is not at home far exceeds the number of work periods.
The most fatal thing is that Lin Zhiyu found that he had a "business trip phobia".
Every time as long as he travels on a business trip, Lin Zhiyu has trouble sleeping and eating, worried that the child will have some accidents if he is not in his line of sight. It turns out that it is not that children cannot do without themselves, but that they cannot do without children.
Separation anxiety is not only for children, but also for mothers.
When she was most desperate, she almost thought that work and children really had to choose between one or the other.
Lin Zhiyu's sweet pact with the child
With a try-and-try mentality, Lin found a path to alleviate separation anxiety — establishing a rule between herself and her children.
She will consciously and slowly lengthen her business cycle, the first time is three days, the second time is five days, the third time is a week...
At the beginning, the child cried and shouted for his mother every day, and the number of times she played the video home, found that the child found his own way of playing, and was no longer so dependent on her.
The longest time, Lin Zhiyu had to travel for half a month. Dragging the suitcase to the door, I was worried about how to explain to the child, but the child took the initiative to speak: "Mother go to work with peace of mind!" You look the most beautiful in a suit and tie! ”
Lin Zhiyu, who works on the case
The child accepted her work little by little, accepted that her mother also had her own things, and could not accompany them all the time, and Lin Zhiyu fell into a new round of anxiety.
"Don't kids need me anymore?" Am I becoming worthless? ”
In the process of fighting with separation anxiety, Lin Zhiyu added rewards in addition to the rules.
This reward is not only for children, but also for yourself: 2 days on the weekend, put down your mobile phone, try to completely withdraw yourself from work, and make these two days an exclusive parent-child time.
Happy Weekend Parent-Child Time Happy Weekend Parent-Child Time
The two kids have said more than once that their favorite Marvel character is "Superman." Lin Zhiyu believes that she is not a superman, but she finds that in the process of giving birth to a child, she has gradually lived into a superhuman appearance.
The so-called superman is to take care of the child without making himself feel uncomfortable.
The child is a child for the first time, and the mother is also a mother for the first time. Growing up is done by the mother and the child.
"Growing together", perhaps this is the secret law of Superman.
When Yaqin was a mother, she was also studying for a master's degree in the United States. When graduation season came, she stood up for four or five months and looked around for a job.
After the interview in Seattle during the day, I flew back to the far eastern town late at night, drove back to school carefully in the snow, and walked into the classroom without stopping, just in time for the final exam.
Seattle at night
In Yaqin's mind, there is no concept of "full-time mother" and "working mother". Getting married and having children and trying to raise children as adults is a step-by-step life process for her, which is normal.
And, for as long as she can remember, her mother has been working hard to earn money to support her family while taking her children. So, she didn't think it was a big deal. Not to mention, children are so cute.
Children are cute, but crying is also the most fatal.
Yaqin's children cry when they are hungry, cry when they are sleepy, cry when they are awake, cry when they urinate, and the most they do all day long is to cry. At the end of the crying, the child also cried when Yaqin, who had to get up in the middle of the night to feed him and change his diaper four or five times.
Looking around, there was no one who could help her share the burden, and Yaqin felt desperate in her heart.
In the most anxious time, Yaqin's front foot had just finished feeding at home, and the back foot went to the company with the milk stains that the child spit on his shoulders before he could clean up, and completed a crucial speech in his career in front of many shareholders.
Returning to China, Yaqin, a returnee, still had a four- or five-month-old pregnant belly when looking for a job.
In order to repay her boss's acceptance of her pregnant status, she worked ten times harder than others, work and parenting, these two things squeezed her personal time and space, half of it.
It was hard to survive to the management, and her body was also overwhelmed.
In the workplace, mothers not only have to face multiple dilemmas such as difficult promotion and missing opportunities, but sometimes even hold on to their existing jobs.
These, Yaqin felt in the female subordinate of the department, Su Ling.
"Working Mother Survival Report" published by "People's Daily" "Working Mother Survival Report" released by "People's Daily"
During a conversation, Yaqin accidentally learns the news that Su Ling is pregnant. Her first reaction was a blessing, but Su Ling's tears rippled as she took her hand and kept apologizing.
Being a parent is a happy thing in any case, so why does Su Ling have the feeling of "great trouble"? What's more, Yaqin had already submitted a promotion application for Su Ling before this, which was actually a moment of double happiness.
It wasn't until Yaqin ran to the big leader to approve the promotion list that she understood the source of this sorrow.
At this time, almost the whole company already knew that Su Ling was a mother, and the big leader was even more blunt: "Are you sure you want her to be promoted?" She's not a good fit. ”
"How is she not suitable?" Her performance is the best, which is obvious to everyone. Yaqin argued.
Unable to resist the big leader, she turned around and ran to do HR work. HR is a woman, and may be able to better understand Su Ling's situation, but Yaqin's feedback is still "she is pregnant, too much to tie, it is difficult to take on heavy responsibilities." ”
Sending emails and writing applications, Yaqin ran up and down, almost doing the work of all the management of the company, and only then did she get a promotion consent form.
The twists and turns behind her reminded her of the female boss who knew she was pregnant with her second child and still affirmed her ability to work and recruited her into the company.
It turned out that the fairness that I had obtained was not out of luck, but someone had fought for it with all his might.
Now, this struggle should become a torch full of light in the relay race, passed down one by one.
A year later, in the face of another working mother who was about to be promoted, Yaqin still spared no effort to take the initiative to take on the heavy responsibility of leadership.
Mom defends Mom and does each other's light.
Notes taken by Yaqin during a yoga class
Between the child and work all day, Yaqin suddenly collapsed at some moment. Regarding the choice of breaking away, she almost completed it in that instant.
That moment was very short, silent, without any crying or hysteria.
Waiting for the red light, she opened the calendar and found that there was nothing else in the personal to-do list marked in green except to see a doctor to recuperate her body. Even appointments with doctors have been delayed indefinitely.
As for the things he has always wanted to do, they have long been piled up.
When her body lit up with a red light, the doctor's words lingered in her ear: "You should rest, and if you go on like this, your body will be finished." ”
Reading time belonging to Yaqin and children Belongs to Yaqin and children's reading time
Nourish the body, read, practice yoga, travel, accompany parents shopping... After leaving the workplace, Yaqin saw countless possibilities in life, and when she got along with her children, she also felt more and more comfortable and light.
She can finally lie down next to the child and concentrate on telling him a fairy tale, instead of misreading the child's bedtime story as a ppt that needs to be elaborated at the meeting the next day, as usual, and let the child fall asleep with the pressure of his work.
When she was unhappy, she would also take her son's hand and confess to him, "Mom is not happy now and needs to stay by herself for a while." ”
Then, turning his head and closing the door, he defended his little world.
Yaqin attends her son's "Reading Sharing Meeting" at school
Many people feel that Yaqin's choice of children in her career and children is a huge sacrifice. Deep down, she never thought so. She didn't choose anyone or anything, she just chose herself.
In the past, she didn't understand why in-cabin broadcasts always emphasized, "When you are in danger, please bring yourself an oxygen mask first." ”
She is a mother, is it not natural to save the child at the first time when she encounters danger?
The brothers and sisters were watching the sea
After being a mother for 15 years, life gave her the best enlightenment: first herself, and then someone else's mother. A person who does not know how to love and care for himself does not have the ability to love people well.
Only by learning to love yourself can you know how to love your children better.
To be a good mother, you must also be a better version of yourself.
"Sister, you're eating fast, it's a new fruit." You haven't eaten it before! ”
When she returned home after a busy day's work, the first scene that caught Zhu Yan's eyes was her younger son holding up a raspberry with his small hand and running towards his sister happily. Her brother's small concern for her sister touched her unceasingly.
As an employee of the artificial intelligence product Tmall Genie, Zhu Yan is always in a high-intensity working state. Even in between coffee purchases, the itinerary is fully arranged.
For her, every time such a heart-warming picture appears, the happiness and satisfaction of being a mother will add a few more points. At work, in the adult world, wearing hard armor, the identity of the mother is the softest heart in her.
The children's little angelic actions, like the magic wand in the hands of the little magic fairy of Balala, eliminated the folds of her daily life.
After experiencing the pain of childbirth for the first time, the second child Zhu Yan chose general anesthesia. When it comes to parenting, she rarely has moments of anxiety and more of a pleasure in enjoying her identity as a "mother".
Zhu Yan's two children
In her view, raising children is like a management team that needs to be coordinated. If necessary, you can also do some "subtraction" appropriately.
Mothers are also ordinary people, without three heads and six arms, can not be too harsh on themselves, especially can not take all the responsibility of parenting to their own heads.
Children have fathers, grandparents, grandparents and other family members. Family members divide their work with each other and take turns to cooperate, which can not only make children grow up happily, but also reduce the burden on mothers and form a benign parenting.
In her mother's identity, Zhu Yan believes that she is a person who grasps the big and lets go of the small and dares to show weakness. When she encountered something she couldn't figure out, her first reaction was to ask others for help, giving priority to solving the problem.
Due to the rush, Zhu Yan had a traffic accident on the way to work. The leak in the house was in the rain overnight, and the child's grandmother called and said that the child's hand was clipped by the door and was suspected of being fractured.
On the other end of the phone, it is the child's heart-wrenching crying, and on the other end of the phone, it is a messy accident scene waiting for the traffic police to appear.
Zhu Yan's child was pinched by the injured hand
Zhu Yan was trembling with anxiety, and after walking alone to calm down for a moment, she dialed a phone call to her husband.
After the husband and wife negotiated, the conclusion was that the husband rushed home to take the child to the hospital to shoot a film, stayed behind to deal with the traffic accident, and then met at the hospital.
After this accident, Zhu Yan was more convinced that her mother should accept her imperfections and learn to ask for help.
The medical kit prepared for them by the child's father
Zhu Yan, the mother of the doctor of engineering, is a more assertive person and a more rational person.
When the child is very young, the people around her gradually begin to instill the idea of "chicken baby" in her, advising her to let her children go to private primary schools and send their children to the Olympic mathematics class as soon as possible, so as not to fall behind in the future.
Every time Zhu Yan listened to these words, she just smiled and rarely went to her heart.
She even quit all mom groups. In the only parenting discussion group she focuses on, mothers are more concerned about the overall quality of their children.
Children are learning to climb
Every child has their own path to follow, and a successful life is not only a kind of "learning bully".
Instead of becoming the top three in her grade, Zhu Yan always tells her children: "Mom wants you to be a person with independent thinking ability and know how to take responsibility for your own decisions." ”
The work of the Internet industry is fast-paced, and the emphasis is on "efficiency". Zhu Yan applied this "efficiency" to the family, and also explored a set of her own secrets with her baby.
In the days of overtime, Zhu Yan guided the children to find their loyal little friend - artificial intelligence. Reading stories and listening to children's songs, the sisters and brothers are immersed in their own world, busy and happy.
The eldest daughter interacts with the "Lynx Genie"
One day, Zhu Yan came home from work and found that two children had accidentally activated the farting function of Tmall Genie. Two small heads inquisitively gathered in front of the smart speaker, listening to its successive "poof" sounds, laughing so hard that they couldn't stand up straight.
As if discovering a new continent, the two children excitedly pulled their mothers together to join the "Tmall Genie, Fart" team. Before long, the whole room was filled with the laughter of three people.
Zhu Yan found that those seemingly boring and trivial daily routines in the adult world can bring such great happiness to children, and she also sincerely feels the "humanization" of artificial intelligence.
Happiness is contagious. At that moment, she also made a child again under the witness of two children, returning to innocence.
Siblings playing by the water's edge
Regarding the balance between work and bringing a baby, the biggest feeling of the three Internet mothers is, "I have been working hard, but it is difficult to do it completely." "From girl to mom, it's more of a trade-off than a balance.
In the face of children, they still have many helpless moments, but recalling the bits and pieces of getting along with their children, they think that the warmth and kindness they feel far exceed the effort.
They accept their "mother" identity and gradually reach a certain reconciliation with themselves.
In this festival that belongs to mothers alone, let us wish mothers all over the world, Happy Holidays!
Note: In the text, Yaqin and Wang Ling are pseudonyms; the picture is from the interviewee, Visual China.