In the process of psychological counseling, I often meet such clients, who say:
- My husband is very selfish, I take the child at home, 24 hours do not rest, he never takes the initiative to help me do housework, the child is sick and he blames me for not taking care of it;
- My wife is too fierce, I work hard to make money, but she is always critical of me, can't see her smile, family life is too depressed.
They are very angry, feel that married life is very unhappy, often they are talking to themselves, the other party does not listen at all, if there is a response, it is also a response.
The root of the problem is that what they say is only their own resentment, not demand, and these words carry a lot of negative emotions, making it difficult for the other party to accept.
Such an expression, preceded by negation, seems to be characterizing the behavior of the other party, characterizing it as "selfish" and "picky", but in fact, the original intention of their speech is to ask for the care and love of the other party.
But such a "want" is not coming. Because if you complain, it is negative communication, and negative information, which makes people uncomfortable, is not willing to accept it.
Therefore, we want the other party to listen to our own words, "to" get what we want in our hearts, we must communicate positively.
One
In psychology, there is a sandwich effect, which is the phenomenon of using the "sandwich" method to communicate, which refers to the fact that when people criticize others or let the other party improve, they sandwich the content of criticism between two praises, so that the criticized person can happily accept the criticism.
This phenomenon is like a sandwich, the first layer expresses recognition, affirmation, and care for the other party, pointing out his strengths or positives, the middle layer is sandwiched with suggestions, criticisms or different views, and the third layer is encouragement, hope, trust, etc.
Mary Kay Ash, the owner of Mary Kay Cosmetics in the United States, has a basic principle of criticizing employees: no matter what you criticize employees, you must find something worthy of praise to say before and after criticism, and never just criticize and not praise.
Mary Kay Ash said: "Criticism is not the right person. Before criticizing employees, try to praise them; after criticism, try to praise them. In conclusion, efforts should be made to begin and end the conversation in a friendly atmosphere. ”
One day, she said to her new secretary, "Your dress today is so beautiful, and it shows your beauty and generosity." ”
The female secretary was suddenly flattered to hear her boss's praise for her. Mary Kay Ash went on to say, "Especially your row of buttons, just right. So I want to tell you that the punctuation marks in the article are like the buttons on the clothes, and if you pay attention to its role, the article will be easy to understand and organize. You are very smart, I believe you will definitely pay more attention to this in the future! ”
The new secretary immediately understood that the boss was reminding herself to pay attention to the details of her work, and since then she has been meticulous and serious about her work, which has been affirmed by Mary Kay Ash.
The boss still needs language technology to make communication smooth, we are in the family, treat the other half of the day and night, of course, to take care of each other's emotions, so that what they say, can make the other party listen.
Two
People are selfish, no one wants to be a giver all the time, so many people are expressing "I want", but always can't, it is better to change a kind of thinking, become "I give you", "I want to care", become "I care for you".
There's a joke that the miserly man fell into the water, and the well-meaning man was going to pull him up and say, "Hold out your hand, I'll pull you up!" ”
But the miserly ghost would rather flutter in the water than reach out.
The well-meaning man understood, and said in a different way: "I give you my hand, and you have to grab my hand!" ”
Hearing this, the miserly ghost immediately held out his hand.
"Hold out your hand" and "give you my hand" are essentially no difference, but obedient people are more willing to get it, so love to listen to the latter.
When we want to get each other's care and love, can we also refer to this kind of thinking, change the way of speaking, if you want to get love, you must first give love, so that the other party feels love.
You may wish to first turn the language of complaining and asking into the language of praise and giving, such as:
- "You always don't do housework", becoming "You cleaned up the bedroom today, the children can rest assured that they can crawl on the ground, you have worked hard";
- "You're too fierce" to "You look so good when you laugh";
- "You're too late to get home" became "It feels so good to be together as a family after dinner.".
These words are not praised against the heart, but are full of positive emotions, expressing their feelings, and the other party is more willing to accept.
Three
Everyone wants to get the attention and love of others, but many people often use the wrong direction of attention, to solve the contradictions in the family, what we need to do most is to change ourselves.
Instead of complaining that the other party does not give, it is better to satisfy yourself first.
Zhang Defen, the author of "Meet the Unknown Self" and a famous writer, once proposed the concept of "happiness in one hand".
She said that some people's happiness comes from themselves, or from what they do, and their happiness is "one-handed" and it is easier to be happy.
And the happiness given by others, such as some people love, some people rely on, some people praise, are "second-hand happiness".
"First-hand happiness" can be obtained by oneself and can be owned for a long time, while "second-hand happiness" is in the hands of others, and if others do not give, they will not feel it.
Zhang Defen said: "Almost all marriage problems come from the fact that we give up most of our first-hand happiness, relying on the stability of marriage and the performance of our partners to let us achieve second-hand happiness." ”
Therefore, people should have the ability to "be happy with one hand", have the ability to create happiness on their own, and don't just pin happiness on others.
Eat when you are hungry, sleep when you are sleepy, travel, shop, find friends to talk to, all very good, take care of yourself, your health is better, your mood will be much better, and there will not be too many complaints about the people around you.
Many times the complaints in the family seem to be some trivial matters, but in fact, the reason is that the other party has not taken care of their emotions.
But it is not that the more others pay attention to us, our emotions can be better, emotional problems can not be solved by others, it reflects the lack of our own hearts.
Pay more attention to your emotions, and when you feel unhappy, angry, and anxious, ask yourself: What is this feeling telling me? Is it a reminder that it's time to rest, or is it a reminder not to drill the horns.
Let go of the anger in your heart and make yourself happy. When a person fully satisfies himself and there is no lack of heart, his whole person is full, will shine, have vitality and attractiveness, family relations will change accordingly, the family will feel his natural relaxed state and love, will also be in a happy mood, and the family atmosphere will become more and more warm.
What families want is not a nanny who does laundry and cooks, nor a machine to earn money to support the family, what they need is a real, warm family.
Changing yourself is the key to everything, and happiness is not just a result, but an ability.