Have you had a good Time on Valentine's Day just this past?
In relationships between the sexes, women often engage in love and devotion. However, emotional relationships have another side to their complexity. The most concentrated is the triple dilemma: being emotionally manipulated, being physically hurt, and being financially deceived. We invite counselors and professional lawyers to analyze why women are trapped in these difficulties and how to break free, and at the same time provide support and guidance in personal safety and property preservation.
May every woman be the director and protagonist of her own destiny, have the wisdom and courage to stay away from harm, and embrace love and freedom.
Being economically exploited in emotional relationships is a major dilemma for women in this era, of which two parts are particularly prominent: First, as women have more and more abundant wealth, in various social apps and marriage websites, more and more women are "killing pigs" in the name of marriage and love. The second is to make women bear huge debts in marriage and love in order to rob women of their property and wealth.
1. Breaking the "Pig Killing Plate": A recent documentary on social media, this documentary called "Tinder Fraud King" exposed the emotional scammer Simon Leviev by pretending to be the heir worth hundreds of millions of dollars, using sweet words and money offensives on the APP to capture the hearts of girls. The scam in the name of love eventually allowed Simon Leviev to accumulate about $10 million around the world, and finally the 3 victims got in touch, bravely exposing the evil and bringing the scammers to justice. The ending of Girls Help Girls is gratifying, but the victim is still trying to pay back the bill, and the crook is still updating his social software to find new prey by releasing him from prison on bail.
Tinder Scam King poster
The girls who are deceived in the film are all high-quality young women who are highly educated, well-off, and handsome. "Indeed, the pigs who are killed are often the A women with very good conditions in the marriage market." Psychological counselor Shi Yu said that in such scams, love story scripts like Korean dramas are often provided.
"We have a lot of psychological effects involved ourselves, like our halo effect on successful entrepreneurs — that's the role scammers often play." There are common human emotional needs that are exploited, such as the need to love and be loved, the need to trust and be trusted. What we lack, the pig killing plate is satisfied. Psychological counselor Dong Rufeng said that the "pig killing plate" is completed from beginning to end, which can be said to be a psychological magic with a very structured content, with the characteristics of large + real scene + immersive experience + romance drama, coupled with psychological condiments such as "unconditional active attention", and finally forming a "circle of encirclement".
"Women express and feel love through language, although it is words, but women will feel that they are looked at with loving eyes, which is why today's pig killing plate can be achieved through the Internet." Psychological counselor Gong Xueping first reminds us to pay attention to the "discourse" puzzle provided in the pig killing plate; but more notably, the collective lack of female financial quotients in the repeated pig killing plate scams. "Every woman in love must have a consciousness that is responsible for her own money. What contemporary women have to ask themselves is basic financial quotient. If we usually run a financial business and encounter a pig killing plate that allows you to invest in opening a store, you will also be more sober. ”
Photo courtesy / Visual China
In Dong Rufeng's view, it is not difficult to break the pig killing plate, that is, to remain aware, pay attention to the various contradictory information of people and things, and trust your intuition. "It's very important to pay special attention to whether there are social connections in this area."
Gong Xueping also believes that social relations are very important. "If it's a normal relationship, it will go deep into each other's social relationships." If a man has a girlfriend and a wife, can't he take a look? If he never invites you to meet with his friends and colleagues, and never lets you go to the place where he works, does not take you on any occasion, and does not see the love of the shadow every day, even if he does not cheat money, it may not be a love that points to marriage. In a relationship, it seems that neither going in the direction of marriage, but always asking you for money and making you invest money, this relationship is not a liar, but also a distortion. ”
2. Sort out the debts between partners: Similar to the pig slaughtering tray, before the implementation of the Civil Code, there was a large number of marriage victims in China, most of whom were women, who were saddled with huge debts just because they were married. For example, the media once reported a news story that "a woman is in debt of five million for two months after marriage." This is not an isolated case. Some women, after a few years of divorce, are suddenly dragged into the abyss by the so-called joint debts of the husband and wife, and the property is frozen and auctioned, and they have to work for the ex-husband's family for the rest of their lives to pay off the unclear debts.
Article 1064 of the Civil Code of the People's Republic of China, which came into effect on 1 January 2021, re-stipulates that the joint debt of husband and wife is re-signed: "[Joint Debt of Husband and Wife] Debts borne by both husband and wife in a joint signature or a joint expression of intent such as retroactive recognition by one of the spouses, as well as debts incurred by one of the spouses for the daily needs of the family in his or her personal name during the existence of the marital relationship, are joint debts of the husband and wife." ”
Yang Ye, a lawyer at Sugihe Family, believes that in today's practice, there are still many places that need to be paid attention to between partners. If one of the spouses holds a position as an executive or supervisor in a one-person limited company established by the other party, it shall be deemed that the company is jointly produced and operated by the husband and wife. Therefore, it should be avoided to act as an executive director, executive officer or supervisor of the enterprise in a one-person limited company invested by the spouse. "Of course, as long as the company is set up, the shareholders should be held accountable according to the law." It is feasible to clarify the boundaries, do a good job of financial separation between personal property and company property, or choose other corporate forms that are not one-person limited companies or husband and wife shareholder companies. The advantages and disadvantages of a one-person company coexist, it is very easy to mix family property with company property, once the company is not well managed, it should stop losses in time to protect family or personal property.
Fu Wen and Yang Ye: Protect premarital property and take care of common property
Lawyer Fu Wen: Before obtaining the marriage license, the property owned by each of them is, in principle, premarital property. In principle, the property acquired after obtaining the marriage license is in principle the joint property of the husband and wife. Of course, there are exceptions, such as a husband and wife with an agreement on the separate property system of husband and wife. If it can be proved that something is premarital property, it does not change in nature because of changes in time and property form. However, if the property of the two persons is mixed, the premarital property may be converted into the joint property of the husband and wife.
Lawyer Yang Ye: If the premarital property is sold after marriage and becomes cash to re-purchase the house, it will change depending on the situation, depending on whether it is the transformation of personal property before marriage. The first case: if a house is acquired without a loan before marriage, and has not been used for mortgage after marriage, but sold after marriage, and the money from the sale of the house is also bought without a loan, then this is still regarded as personal property. The second situation: the house purchased before marriage, after marriage to repay the loan, this belongs to the situation of joint repayment, the common repayment part of the house and the corresponding appreciation part belong to the common property, while the premarital down payment and repayment part and the corresponding appreciation part belong to personal property. If this house is sold at this time and another house is bought with this house money, then the latter house is joint property.
Now many couples jointly own companies, shares, bonds, funds and other different types of assets, family property if it is very complicated, it is recommended to do some written legal documents, as well as the establishment of a family financial system. For example, prenuptial agreements, marital property systems, etc. If you want to protect your common property from being infringed by third parties, you must always grasp the accumulation and expenditure of common property, make a list of property, and jointly sort out the direction of large expenditures.
In China, the topic of domestic violence is almost a household name for two pairs of men and women.
One pair is the first TV series that reflected domestic violence broadcast in 2001, "Don't Talk to Strangers", an Jia played by Feng Yuanzheng and Mei Xiangnan played by Mei Ting. In the eyes of everyone, Anjiahe is an excellent surgical expert; in the family, she is a fierce perpetrator of domestic violence. The victim Mei Shonan was beaten to the point of blood almost every day, and her terrified and helpless eyes and Anjia and brutal expression became the screen memories of the Chinese people.
Stills from "Don't Talk to Strangers"
The other pair is the real character, "Crazy English" Li Yang and his ex-American wife Kim. Kim said in an interview that the domestic violence that made her most memorable occurred on August 30, 2011. Li Yang rode on my back, grabbed the hair on my forehead, and slammed into the ground. He treated me like an animal! That day, Kim stormed into the police station. The policeman, who had no law to follow, didn't know what to do with it, and even asked Kim, "What do you want us to do?" Kim held back tears and listened to the discussion around her, insisting on completing the evidence preservation.
Later, Kim bravely spoke out as a victim of domestic violence and turned her and her famous ex-husband's domestic violence case into a public incident that disturbed the whole society. At the time, at least 1,200 women told Kim their stories and asked her for help.
Kim is at the Chaoyang District People's Court in Beijing
On March 1, 2016, the Anti-Domestic Violence Law of the People's Republic of China was finally promulgated, the first law in China specifically to regulate and stop domestic violence. Lawyer Lu Xiaoquan, director of Beijing Qianqian Law Firm, said that the second article of this law defines domestic violence: "Refers to physical and mental violations committed by family members by beating, binding, mutilating, restricting personal freedom, and frequent verbal abuse and intimidation." This means that both Mei Shonan in the TV series and the real Kim will be protected by the law today.
"Being beaten, scolded, and restricted to women's physical and mental impact and harm is serious and far-reaching." Lawyer Lu Xiaoquan said that perpetrators often use a mixture of physical and mental violence as a means of controlling their partners. "Many women who have been subjected to domestic violence may suffer from anxiety, depression, etc. because they have not received relief for a long time, and their social functions have also been affected and damaged." Lu Xiaoquan said that when personal safety is threatened and harmed, women must believe in the law and make good use of the law to protect themselves.
1. The national public security system has included domestic violence into the category of 110 must be police, after suffering domestic violence, you should call the police on 110 at the first time. There are several advantages to calling the police: first, it can stop violence; second, it is very firm to express your absolute resistance and zero tolerance attitude to violent behavior; third, it is to fix the evidence. The evidence of the public security organs is usually the most critical, such as police records and interrogation records, issuing habeas corpus, including injury appraisals, which is important evidence to determine what legal responsibility the perpetrator should bear. Some public security organs may issue a domestic violence warning letter to the perpetrator, which is very effective in stopping violence and preventing secondary violence. In terms of anti-domestic violence, the role of public security and the police must be irreplaceable, and its functions, authority, and deterrence are the greatest.
2. At the national level, the law recognizes both regular forms of verbal abuse and intimidation for mental violence. At least 123 provinces and cities have now made appropriate extensions on the basis of national legislation, including leakage of privacy, harassment, stalking, threats, insults, etc., into the anti-domestic violence regulations at the local level.
3. Applicant for a habeas corpus order. Victims of domestic violence can apply to the court for a habeas corpus order, which usually has several measures: first, it prohibits the perpetrator from committing domestic violence against the victim; second, it prohibits the perpetrator from harassing, stalking, and contacting the victim, including, of course, the victim's specific close relatives; third, it is to order the abuser to move out of the victim's residence, which has nothing to do with the ownership of the house. Habeas corpus can be extended for a maximum of six months and may be extended if necessary.
4. After the victim of domestic violence suffers domestic violence for the first time, the police will be reported to the police, the injury examination will be tested, and if necessary, the law enforcement department is required to punish the perpetrator according to law, and it cannot be easily forgiven because the other party admits mistakes and apologizes.
Fu Wen, a lawyer at Shandong Fu Wen Law Firm, once encountered a typical case: a woman with a certain social status was seriously abused and reported to the police, and also asked for an injury test, but later all sides advised her, saying that if her husband had a criminal record, she would be frightened by the future when her children graduated from college and found a job. "I hope you will remember this - only a very small number of specific jobs will be affected, and the factor of political adjudication can basically be ignored."
5. Preserve evidence and file divorce proceedings for serious domestic violence. Analysis of Thousand Judgments On Domestic Violence issued by Beijing Qianqian Law Firm at the end of 2021| The white paper "Domestic Violence That Cannot Be Seen and Heard" points out that filing divorce proceedings because of domestic violence is a last resort for many victims to end violent relationships. Of the 1,073 divorce proceedings, 30.20% (324) were supported. Even in the 66 cases in which the court found that the defendant had committed domestic violence, the divorce approval rate reached only 75.76%.
"Sometimes the victim is unable to provide 'valid' evidence so that domestic violence is 'seen', sometimes the court 'doesn't hear' the victim's domestic violence-related claims, and in the end it is still a violent marriage that is difficult to end." According to the report, "Only 29.8 percent of plaintiffs submitted evidence of domestic violence, and more than half of them submitted only one orphan certificate." In addition to assisting the whistleblower to leave clear and complete evidentiary materials at the level of system design, it is also very important for women to pay attention to evidence preservation when they suffer domestic violence.
Yang Ye: Do a good job of preserving evidence of domestic violence
Lawyer Yang Ye of Sugihe Family Affairs: Women can learn more about the law. In terms of fixed evidence, the most effective is to call the police in time, and it is also possible to use mobile phones to record videos and take pictures, but it is best to use it for legal channels, and it is best to have more effective evidence. If there is written evidence, such as a domestic violence warning issued by the police is more effective, the letter of remorse and guarantee written by the perpetrator himself can also be used as evidence. The most effective information on social media such as circle of friends and WeChat is to take a mobile phone or computer to the notary office for notarization.
At the end of 2021, the "ex-wife of a famous singer" published her experience of having three children in five years but still being "divorced", and detonated the "gas lamp effect" into an annual hot word.
The term used to describe women's manipulation in their emotional relationships comes from the 1940 suspense film Under the Gaslight by British director Solod Dickinson, which was remade in 1944 by American director George Cook, with Ingrid Bergman playing the heroine Paula. Paula is brainwashed by her husband Anton, and her true perception of the world is slowly stripped away by Anton. When Paula saw the gaslight dimming, Anton told her, "This is your hallucination, the light is on." Anton also constantly suggests that Paula is "getting worse and worse" so that Paula can no longer trust herself. She is like a little trapped beast who is becoming more and more learned and helpless, until she is rescued by detectives.
Poster of "Under the Gas Lamp"
So far, more than 80 years later, this gas lamp has been a flickering reflection of the unequal situation of women being manipulated and hurt in emotional relationships. Under this effect, women seem to be absorbed in spiritual consciousness, gradually losing their subjectivity, in a passive and dependent position in the relationship between the sexes, deprived of dignity, lack of inner strength, and fading social functions.
And this has nothing to do with academic qualifications, Peking University high talents and High Talents of Peking University may also live under the gas lamp. Two years ago, Bao Li, a peking university girl, unfortunately fell victim to the more tragic gas lamp effect. She was constantly tortured and degraded by her boyfriend Mu Linhan because she was not a virgin, and was asked to write insulting words and videos on her body, and even perform sterilization operations... In the end, Bao Li committed suicide by insulting her.
"In relationships, emotional manipulation is more pervasive and harder to identify than other forms of harm. Women who are in a state of emotional control for a long time will be very painful. Psychological counselor Gong Xueping said, "The so-called gaslight effect, in this invisible manipulation relationship, is actually one party has a lot of pressure on the other party, but both parties may not know what each other's psychological theater is." The person who implements the manipulation is partly a personality disorder, he is a vicious narcissist, that is, he will manipulate the people around him.
Stills from "Under the Gaslights"
How does this happen? "We often say that narcissistic people with margins, malignant narcissism often bring bipolar feelings to their partners: on the one hand, you feel that the other party is a shining savior, authority, you are willing to be close to him, so that there is a sense of happiness, you feel that your life is taken care of. But because the vicious narcissist gets value from others, no matter what happens between partners, he thinks that others are at fault. Gong Xueping explained, "Living around a vicious narcissist, women will slowly give up their sense of control over themselves, become more dependent and dependent, she will self-loathing and even to the level of depression, disgusted with how they can't do this well, I really have no value, and sometimes there will be a very bad state of marginalization." ”
Gong Xueping said that vicious narcissists will always make you attribute it to their own mistakes, which he is particularly good at. A woman who lives in this relationship for a long time will feel "I don't deserve to be around you" or "I don't deserve to live". At this time, he said again as a savior and helper: "Yes, in the future, you will ask me first, and I will tell you what to do." This is a very common pattern of emotional manipulation.
Gong Xueping: Respect your own feelings
The "gaslight effect" can exist in many relationships, or in stages. Gong Xueping said that if there is no opportunity to "wake up", it is likely that the manipulated person will be completely unconscious. But this is not without solution:
First, in a relationship, you must be keenly aware of your own pain and discomfort, because there is no objective standard for pain and discomfort, and we must respect our own feelings.
Second, you can look back and see that in the six months or a year or two since you've been with him, you've had more and more self-doubt, a great fear of being abandoned, or you think you don't deserve him; then you may be in the middle of the gaslight effect.
Third, be sure not to be isolated from social relations, be sure to keep friends, so that you can hear other voices, but also see your own situation in the difference, so as to "wake up" you and realize that you are manipulated.
Shi Yu: The phrase "I raise you" may be a trap
Like that ex-wife, many women with gorgeous educational backgrounds gave up their career development in a passive and sacrificial manner and chose to return to their families. In this relationship, there may be a nice promise of "I raise you", or something like "you can't do any flowers anyway to do your business".
When Kochi women make the choice to return to their families, they are actually very risky. As a full-time wife, you first lose years of educational costs and career resources that you have accumulated— and in the family, these accumulations are sunk. While many men will say "your efforts for the family are priceless", "priceless" is often considered equal to "nothing".
At the same time, stay-at-home wives often face the fear that they will lose their charm and lead to a crisis in the relationship between the sexes. Men who once made "I raise you" promises are likely to stop having lust for their wives and go out with elite women who are heroic in the workplace.
Of course, we are not opposed to women returning to the family, but before that, you must plan for a full-time wife, otherwise you will not hesitate to invest, which is probably a trap.
The original article was published in the February 2022 issue of Harper's Bazaar
Editor/Li Jin
Written by Yu Ling (National Second-level Psychological Counselor)
Typography/Yuer, miffy
Psychological expert support /Gong Xueping, Shi Yu, Dong Rufeng
Supported by the Lawyer Group / Lawyer Lv Xiaoquan of Beijing Qianqian Law Firm,
Sugi family matrimonial litigation lawyer Yang Ye,
Fu Wen, a lawyer at Shandong Fu Wen Law Firm