Read notes from Too Noisy Solitude
Three women
In the past two days, Qian Zhongshu has proved my Chinese style. Hrabar proves that I am superficial in the world, but fortunately, some names I have heard and read books show that I have some shadows cast by the sages in my heart. In fact, I have been running away from the shadows of some sages, I am afraid that when I do not see the world clearly, I will be guided or interfered with by them, and I am afraid of going into the path of others and going astray.
If you have to find the direction, go to see the world's masterpieces, if you have to find the direction, just don't look at anything, and believe that you are the only one in this vast world.
Some fire jumped in my heart, and I knew I was sick, frantically imagining death.
In everyone's heart, death is idealistic. Some words come to me day by day, just to make me cry with the author. Now, thinking of the packer, I feel a little sad, holding Novalis's work in my hand, lying on my own press, to see for myself the world of the last knowledge. The rumbling press presses the world of huge and complex matter, and the packer always puts a precious book in each compressed bag. Like a person who is crawling and rolling in the world, taking care of the light in my heart, ah, I am really tired.
The so-called wrong way is nothing more than two: one is the road that you like and the world opposes. The other is a path that the world recognizes, but you can't agree with and struggle to escape. But in the end, we all feel that our lives have gone astray, because we are thinking in our hearts that the path we have given up may be the best. We fantasize about ending up unoptimistically through death, and then we fantasize about looking through death to see the ideals we have been trying at the end.
Summer passed and almost the entire summer was spent in torrential rains.
The rain on Leya Road has flowed into Qinchuan Lake, and I have always imagined the lake where the rain is pouring madly, but I have not come to see the lake, I just looked at it from a distance, and I have not loved the reeds as I did last year. The reeds must be lush as ever, I still can't put it down, autumn, I don't look at it again, the reeds will fail. When I came to see the lake, the lake water increased, and there was a fishy sweetness in the lake, and it was the smell of plant rot. The lake is bright and quiet, unfathomablely still. Although the lake is small, it reminds me of a word: vast! It was a huge word, and it set off my loneliness alone by the lake.
Yes, loneliness. Too noisy and lonely, when I first saw these words, my tears flowed, I felt that these words were written to me, accurate. Hrabar's narrative seems simple, but it is precisely his simplicity and ease that show his strong knowledge system and mastery of ancient and modern Eastern and Western cultures and his skillful writing skills.
I had just accidentally looked up and saw the wild ducks swimming in the water on the lake, and I was very happy that these little elves, who were on the water, could take my body and mind to another world, away from the world of the moment. Hrabar narrates in the first name "I", giving people a real sense of personal feeling. So much so that I feel that I am reading Hrabar's autobiography, at this point, I think the novel in the first person, should have the same effect, will give the reader a feeling of reading the author's autobiography, this summary makes me a little nervous and inexplicable excitement, some snooping stimulation. The life of the protagonist is the epitome of the author's life, which is undoubtedly too rich and complex. Thinking to the lake, if it is me, I must be calm, what can I do? Half a life, I have been like this, cherish the pain I have experienced and the love I have had, such as cherishing life, what I have experienced and imagining is mine. Hrabar said that the loneliness that is too noisy is empathetic to me, although I know that there is no empathy in this world, but this imagination will not be lonely, which is a powerful comforting style.
A person's underground studio, a person's illusion, a person standing in front of the press as if out of his soul and his favorite Goethe, Kant, Jesus, Lao Tzu, Nietzsche, Van Gogh, etc., and the world's shining souls, day and night communication! Mechanically and warmly working, putting a glowing book into each compressed package, doing this like a demon, with great love and seriousness, as if it were for the illusory philosophers and artists. The illusions in the protagonist's work are very much like me, countless times I think about what I forgot the door, and also forgot the name of the work unit, just as one day I felt that there was an independent kingdom in my brain, let me forget that I was a person walking through the world, I thought of me, sadness, my joy was nothing to do with the human world, it had nothing to do with the near future, I was a soul who traveled far with the love or thoughts of the heart.
I was like the packer Han Jia, too much loneliness in my heart squeezed my earthly world aside. Yes, earthly concreteness and fragmentation retreat like losers. It made me look silly and forgetfully innocent. It's a kind of strength, but also a kind of humility, depending on who it is. I would like to be the former, otherwise I wouldn't be able to live. Too arrogant loneliness, short, compact, with a huge imagination to outline a person's thoughts and thoughts in a lonely working life, but also the writing of magic realism, the imagination of the underground gutter and the imagination of the thinker on paper, the kind of oblivious and unwilling to dial himself out of his own fantasy of the survival of the site and work, the competition is the dependence of the male protagonist's life, relying on each other for his life, where he sublimates redemption, prayer, love, memory, forgiveness, knowing himself and his past, he fell in love with that lonely work, Let him work with a strong heart and calmness, because he has inadvertently acquired knowledge, knowledge has given him a kingdom, he loves his kingdom, he is willing to give his life for him. What an affectionate life, it feels like a mighty light.
It was dark, there were mosquitoes around me, I wrote these as I walked, if I stood still, mosquitoes would bite me, I was wearing wide-legged pants, mosquitoes could attack freely. I was also dancing with the light, and my heart was full of Herabal.
Now let's talk about my Nowhere to Put It. In fact, it is also a person who has nowhere to put it. My loneliness was helpless and desperate and desperate with nowhere to be placed. The love that a person insists on is a wandering path, and the happiness and pain of those fallen loves will eventually be the light in a person, and these rays of light separate and oppose me from the world, and I am the only one who loves me. I love all the sincere lives in the world that live with heart. Death is the final drop and the limit of loneliness. Everyone has the ideal form of death in their hearts, the affectionate money of death that I imagined. The packer packed himself up on the press, and he was going to see the unknown world for himself.
I let go while deeply in love, and like Han Jia, saved the package that could not be handled. Every soul goes through a practice from grasping to letting go. Now that it's dark, I'm still writing while walking on the road! It's September this year, and I've only loved once about the flesh, and it was a trek to delivery, because of the pickiness and purity of my heart, I can't give myself easily, except love, I don't care about anything.
Nine months later, I have made a qualitative change, I am not the same person I was last year, this is due to reading and writing and closed thinking, and speaking of which, I love who I am now. Because I also have an independent kingdom in my heart, the loneliness that separates me from reality makes me intoxicated and beautiful, and calm and quiet.
And the line and the effort to enrich, the three ladies under the street lamp.
When I went out, I wanted to find a place where I could kneel, but the lake was very quiet, very suitable for me to write the above words against the railing of the lake, tired I squatted to write, did not kneel, I thought I should kneel on the top of the mountain close to the clouds.
About the Author
Formerly known as Li Ruifen, also known as Sanjie Zangdao, a member of the Gansu Provincial Writers Association, a director of the Gansu Provincial Network Writers Association, his works have been published in publications, newspapers, and online platforms such as "Stars", "Feitian", "Northern Writers", "Gansu Literature and Art", and long online novels "Great Song Long Song", "Ling Xiaofu, Wind Dyeing Rivers and Mountains", signed a contract with Migu Literature Network.