Recently, I received a letter of help from the background:
I found evidence of betrayal in my husband's purse: a bill.
He lied that he was "doing the accounting, not staying", and I followed the vine to find his room information, and also found the name of the woman - it was his recently hired subordinate.
It turned out that he returned home late every day and worked overtime on weekends, pretending to give all his time to work, but in fact he gave it to the woman. When I thought about the fact that he and I had been sharing the same bed during this period, I felt nauseous and sick to my stomach.
After that, I spent a long time gathering evidence. I don't know what I want to do, I want a divorce? Want to make a big fuss? Or do you want your husband to change his mind?
I thought that before I thought about it, everything could be under control. Unexpectedly, two days ago, my husband suddenly proposed to have sex, which surprised me very much, because we had not had sex for almost 3 years.
I shirked that the "menstrual period" rejected him, and my husband was obviously not very happy. Soon, he will surely make another request for roommate.
Seriously, he betrayed me and wanted to touch me, I was ten thousand unhappy in my heart, but I was afraid that if I refused all the time, I would hit the grass and snake, so that he would find out that I was collecting evidence.
What am I going to do?
In fact, after the husband betrays the overtures, the wife will "resist", which is the woman's instinctive reaction.
Husbands have relationships with others, out of self-protection, most women will have physical disgust, feel "dirty", "sick", "do not want to be touched".
But instinctively, it must be right?
Today, we will answer the question from the perspective of psychology: Why do men still make intercourse requirements after betrayal? As women, how do we respond to what's best for ourselves?
Why men betray after betrayal
Still nostalgic for his wife?
Women betray because of gender differences. Mostly born of love; men betray, but not necessarily love.
Therefore, after the betrayal of men, it is still possible to show affection to their wives, which mainly stems from three psychological motivations:
1. Compensate for guilt
Pregnant with a beautiful woman, regardless of the chaff wife. Although this scene makes men satisfied, it is inevitable that the conscience will be faintly painful when it comes to moral accusations, family responsibilities, and wives' efforts.
I have a sister who says:
"Every time my husband betrays, he buys me a luxury item, he is not aware of this subconscious action, but I have long been aware of it."
After more than ten years of marriage, my wardrobe is full of luxuries, but I am not happy at all, because I know that these are his guilt for me, not his love for me. ”
Junichi Watanabe wrote in "The Man Thing":
A man is a complex creature who can claim to have sex with hundreds of women to elevate his sexual prowess; but only one woman can leave in his mind a poetic memory.
For many men, the wife is the woman.
She was no longer young and beautiful, but he had witnessed her youth, and the two had shared countless memories that were irreplaceable. Even if love disappears, it will be imprinted in the depths of a man's heart.
Therefore, when a man betrays a woman, there is a hidden pain in his heart. In order to compensate his wife, and in order to alleviate this guilt, he will take the initiative to show his wife.
2. Enjoy the blessings of the harem
Some more self-centered men, if not discovered after cheating, will have a sense of "I am unique" narcissism.
This feeling will offset some of the guilt, making him happy to hover between his wife and lover, enjoying the feeling of being taken care of by two women.
The red flag at home does not fall, and the bunting flag flutters outside the home, which is simply a fantasy scene! If one day, a man has two women at the same time, it will be as happy as if he has won 5 million.
Driven by this mentality, men will crave fresh stimulation more than usual.
Tired of his wife, he went to his lover to find happiness; when he was tired of his lover, he went back to his wife's arms to seek comfort.
3. Trying to assimilate the wife
In the book Arrangement of Family Systems, it is written:
When people find that people are different from themselves, that is, the other party's thoughts, behaviors, and habits are different from their own, the first reaction is uncomfortable, if you want to continue to get along, then the next step is to get comfortable back.
Assimilation is a shortcut to "getting back into your comfort zone."
Men's betrayal is actually a kind of potential guidance: I compared new women and found that I was not comfortable with you, and I wanted to change you.
Moreover, men after betrayal will also have a "sense of impurity" and worry that they will be disgusted by their wives. After sharing a room with his wife, the two people are like rolling in a mud pit, and neither of them should abandon the other.
Men's concerns are dispelled, and subconsciously, he will feel that "my wife and I are the same kind of person", so he becomes more and more unscrupulous.
After the man betrayed
How should women face overtures?
When a man cheats on him is already "Thor's Hammer", there is no way to wash it. At this time, the biggest test for the wife is: how to continue to have a relationship with a man without love?
Evolutionary psychology believes that women have the instinct to "build a nest", and they reject another opposite sex that enters the nest, so after a man cheats, the woman will repeatedly tangle:
"Am I not attractive anymore?"
"Does he not love me anymore?"
"Have I already lost him?"
The more I want to drill the tip of the bull's horn, the more I drill into my heart, the more angry I am. Therefore, the more entangled a woman is, the stronger her self-protection, and the stronger the disgust reaction in the face of men.
This disgust, to some extent with residual expectations, still thinks that love will return to the two, so it still sees "love" as the link between the two.
If you have love, you can have sex; without love, you can't continue to maintain a relationship.
It's a woman's instinct, but it's not necessarily good for us.
In order to adjust this, we may as well change our thinking, shift our focus from "men" to ourselves, and think:
"What do I want?"
"What do I expect from this relationship?"
"What's best for me next?"
The answer is coming. "Love" has left you, and now what maintains feelings is not only love, but also pros and cons and realistic considerations.
From the moment you find out that a man has betrayed you, your relationship has entered a new pattern: from revolving around men to thinking more about your own interests and feelings.
Therefore, in the face of men's overtures, your focus should not be "whether you want to accept it", but "whether it is necessary to accept it", "what is good for me to accept", "What is the harm to me by rejection"?
If accepting a man's invitation to have sex outweighs the disadvantages, why not accept it? After all, children only talk about love, and adults look more at the pros and cons.
If it doesn't hurt to refuse a man's invitation to have sex, then resolutely refuse. For example, if you have decided to divorce and have collected evidence and have an absolute advantage, there is no need to "make a scene".
Woman, please take care of yourself
Knowing a netizen, telling the story of his betrayal:
After the husband betrayed, he would still propose to share the same bed, and every time, he would beat his chest and cry for his wife's forgiveness.
She initially firmly opposed, and finally chose to compromise in her husband's tears, acquiescing to the deformed relationship of "big and small wives".
Later, she taught herself psychology and realized that she had fallen into her husband's "trap": he knew that she was soft-hearted, and by stimulating sympathy, grasping her weakness and transformation, she became the basis for her constant betrayal.
Betrayal, impact on women's self-esteem and self-confidence, we need time to stabilize ourselves, heal the trauma, during this period if we accept the man's invitation to intercourse, to some extent will cause secondary harm.
Therefore, women may wish to pay more attention to themselves, take more care of themselves, first come out of the trauma, stabilize themselves, and then consider how to deal with the relationship level.
So, how do we stabilize ourselves?
The most critical point is to stop self-aggression and punishment and tell yourself that "I deserve all happiness."
When you blame yourself for not being able to keep men, please put aside the idea of self-doubt, because your priority is not to figure out "what the hell is wrong with me", but "how to make yourself happy".
People who are immersed in self-hatred and self-pity are more emotional than rational, and it is irrational to make any decision at this time, so adjusting the mentality is a top priority.
As Tagore wrote in The Birds: When you cry about missing the sun, you also miss the stars.
Lose a man, we still have a lot of future. Don't let the momentary hesitation delay the pace of exploring more beautiful scenery.
If you are deeply involved in emotional problems, you can comment on the message or @ Heart Help Lu Yue Private Message I tell you your specific situation, I will help you solve
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