From the end of last year, I chased several domestic dramas, and found that many dramas filmed in the past two years began to lead to the concept of "pua".
There is a housewife in "Who is the Murderer", and everyone, including herself, thinks that her husband has a successful career and takes care of the family, and she is not worthy of such a good man.
But she killed her husband with a fierce hand.
It is because in a place where no one sees, her husband has sent her insulting text messages for a long time, belittling her, controlling her, and making her mentally broken but there is no way to escape.
In the end, this poor woman could not leave her husband, and could not bear the mental torture day after day, so she had to break the net.
"Sleeping Garden" specifically uses a case to talk about "pua", men do not want to let their girlfriends go to work, they do everything to imply that she "you can't do anything well", "you will only be wronged when you go to work, and following me is the best choice".
It is nothing more than hoping that the girlfriend will never be able to live without him again.
There are also many family theme plots, parents show a strong desire to control their children, children slightly resist a cry, two troubles and three hanging, let people look at it and suffocate.
The audience will also discuss that this is the PUA in the parent-child relationship.
On the one hand, I think that's a good thing.
After all, in recent years, there have been too many social incidents related to mental manipulation and mental violence, and there are rose machine guns before Bao Li, all of which are very good girls ruined in toxic feelings.
It is very good that film and television dramas and major media can discuss this topic more and attract the attention of the whole people.
But on the other hand, I also have a point of concern, pua is not a normative psychological concept after all, if it is discussed too frequently, and lacks an accurate definition, will it become a "pocket crime" and make people accustomed to putting all the conflicts in it?
Some students may feel that this is nothing, such a bad behavior, must be rather than kill by mistake, correction must be too correct.
I make a different point:
The worse the behavior, the more serious it is, because when we put any behavior on such a bad hat, the essence is to dissipate its threat from speech.
When we really encounter serious PUA, mental manipulation, it is difficult to organize language to describe our situation.
So I would like to take this opportunity to discuss with you what PUA is, or mind manipulation.
Perhaps the most familiar explanation for most students is that a person who scolds you, belittles you, and tries to make you obey him is PUA.
For example, this sentence:
"This dress is really ugly, it shows that your legs are thick, don't wear it in the future."
Attacking, belittling, ordering, should be a very standard PUA sentence, if you believe, you are finished.
Of course, I do not deny that this sentence is very impolite and difficult to hear, but when this sentence is spoken, does it necessarily mean PUA?
You can assume that if this is a female celebrity tweeting to show her own outfit, there is a black powder in the following reply to such a sentence.
Will female celebrities feel that black powder is pua themselves?
Surely not, most female celebrities can't pay attention to this sentence at all, even if they notice, they will smile lightly and have no time to take care of him.
Suppose again, if this is a good friend who is very close to you and can always hurt each other so, would you feel like she pua you?
I have such a damaged friend, when I meet, I will blacken each other's shape soil, even if I sometimes feel that the words are excessive, it is nothing more than he damages me and I lose it back, and I can't get so serious about mental manipulation.
That's where it gets interesting.
The words are still the bad words, why put in such a situation, you at least do not feel that you have been PUA?
Because the parties in these two things do not take this ugly sentence seriously.
You say I'm ugly, dirty, and have thick legs, but I'm completely unmoved—I won't believe your evaluation, and I won't feel inferior because of it, and I won't dare to wear a skirt from then on.
Then there can be no talk of mind manipulation.
So I want to share a point here:
Mental manipulation must be done by two people.
If someone belittles you and makes demands on you, and you ignore him, then this is just "belittling" and "asking" itself.
Others belittle you, make demands on you, you agree with his depreciation, accept his requests, and even you follow him to demean yourself, feel that he is right, you should listen to him-
This is "mind manipulation."
Or a routine addition, I say this sentence is by no means to say that the victim of mental manipulation is also wrong, you can be manipulated, can accept the belittling and demands of others, it must also be that he used some means, can not blame you.
I just wanted to introduce a more critical part from this point of view.
If we look at the case of PUA – whether fictitious or real – we will find that it usually happens in very intimate relationships.
The most typical, marriage, love, parent-child.
(Workplace PUA has also been mentioned, but in my observation, it's far less common than the above relationships.) ）
It's not that no one in other relationships says ugly things or asks you, but relatively speaking, the vast majority of us in intimate relationships are more likely to be affected by these offensive words and embarrassing requests.
To put it bluntly, insignificant people scold you, you scold back minute by minute, and the boyfriend you like especially likes scolds you, and you may be sad for a long time.
And your parents scold you for giving you a "filial piety" hat by the way, I am afraid that your psychological endurance is slightly weaker, and you will immediately compromise.
Only in a relationship that is intimate enough will you believe the other person's words more (including accusations against you) and become more dependent on the other person, so much so that you would rather compromise than clash with him or even lose him.
This is why I said earlier that mind manipulation requires both parties to be able to complete it:
He said it, you believed it.
He mentioned it, and you got it from.
This can't be said to be your fault — that's your dearest and dearest person, you trust him, you don't want to lose him, you are willing to pay for him to change, how can you blame you?
All I have to do is analyze the core of this matter and put it in front of everyone:
Mind manipulation is a joint effort between the two sides, the perpetrator stabbed a knife, the victim also chose not to avoid, everything can happen.
And the victim chooses not to avoid it because of trust, but also because of attachment.
Again, I say this not only not to blame the victim, but on the contrary, if you think you have trouble with this aspect, this view can definitely, absolutely save you!
Why?
Because you know that mental manipulation requires two parties to complete, this means that if you don't accept the move, the other party will not be able to pua you even if you have the ability to reach the sky.
You are perfect and can save yourself.
How to save yourself?
Since there are two key points in being pua, you believe in him and you rely on him, break them one by one.
You believe what he says is all right, he says you have thick legs, you are thick legs, he says you don't look good in a skirt, even like those more serious PUA cases, he said you are not a virgin and you are dirty, you are really dirty.
Here's a cognitive question:
He must be 100 percent right?
It is not difficult to answer this question in itself, you can go and verify them one by one -
Are your legs really thick?
Measure your legs and compare yourself to other girls you think are in normal shape.
Does it have to be bad to wear a skirt with thick legs?
So many dressing tutorials, can't find a pear-shaped figure how to wear a skirt to look good?
Isn't virgin dirty?
More is biological, sociological data to help you recognize that safe sex is the right of natural adults, only dirty people will think of it "dirty".
A little bit harder could be the next step:
You know he's not all right, but you love him so much that you care about everything he has, even if it's the wrong point.
Whether your legs are thick or not, whether you look good or not, whether you are "dirty" or not is not important, he sees you like this, it is important.
I can fully understand that we love someone very much and care so much about his feelings.
But from another point of view, he belittled you like this, accused you, knowing that you will be sad or insisting on treating you like this, does he care about your feelings?
Does he love you?
At least I substituted myself and could never rate a guy I liked with words like "ugly," "fat," "dirty," and "debauched."
I'm sure no normal person would.
So why did he say that about you, do you have the answer in mind?
Do you still want to spontaneously accept his manipulation because you love him unilaterally and care about him?
Here to say more, we realize that in mental manipulation, the right or wrong of the point of view is not necessarily the most important, the "feelings brought by the point of view" is more important, so when you are in line with the person who controls you, you do not have to dwell on the point of view itself, tell him, I do not accept you to treat me like this.
Maybe I'm really fat, not good-looking, and not a virgin, but I don't accept people I love and humiliate me with these things.
If the other party is still obstinate, it can only verify your unconditional trust and dependence on him, and it is not worth it.
Congratulations, you are free from this moment on.