Recently, I was reading the book "Worth it in the World", co-authored by Japanese writer Hiromi Okuda and Japanese psychologist Tsuniko Nakamura, which is based on Nakamura's lifelong medical experience.
In "Worth it on Earth," Nakamura Hengzi said a passage: "If you don't have a life that you like and yearn for, and take the lives of others as the standard, the bags you carry on your body will become heavier and heavier, and you will only feel more and more pressure."
Everyone is born into a slowly aging individual, slowly forming their own unique consciousness. However, in the process of growing up, affected by external factors, many people will take the life of others as their own standard in many concepts, and will gradually lose themselves while blindly or stubbornly pursuing the values of others, without their own principles of action, without their own subjective consciousness. And once bound by the values of others, they will not realize that they have fallen into the strange circle of desire, without their own subjective thoughts or actions, so they gradually become mediocre, invisible to everyone, living more and more tired, more and more stressful. Therefore, in the process of growing up, we must cultivate and form our own concept of life, cultivate our own independent personality, and form our own subjective consciousness.
The so-called "wherever we go, we are always just one person." This sentence does not mean that we do not need friends and do not need to socialize, but that we need to cultivate our own ability to solve problems independently, cultivate our independent personality, independent three views, and independent thinking ability. Let us have our own unique insights or approaches when we encounter things that we need to deal with.
Cultivating an independent personality can first learn to think on our own when we encounter problems, try to solve them ourselves, and try not to trouble friends, after all, even if there are more friends, human feelings will be light. Making more friends can not only increase our insight and expand our personal connections, but also "seek help from all sides" when we encounter things that need help from friends.
So how do you get along with your friends?
In the Analects, it is said: "If you do three people, you will have my teacher, choose those who are good and follow them, and change those who are not good."
In life or work, if you meet friends who can't get along, then decisively separate or keep a proper distance, rather than forcing yourself to make some people who can't talk to you, it is better to maintain close contact with friends who have common topics or are compatible.
<h1 class="pgc-h-decimal" data-index="01" > bound by other people's values, you will lose your own subjective consciousness and lose your own judgment. </h1>
Nakamura said: "Once you are bound by other people's values, you will not realize that you have fallen into the strange circle of desire."
When I was in elementary school, I was an optimistic, positive and cheerful person. As he grew older, his father always taught him to play with people with good academic performance and not with people with poor grades. Of course, this sentence is not wrong, and being with people with good grades does have a good role in promoting yourself. But in my opinion, most of the reason is indeed his father for his good, and there are also most of the reasons that his father is too strong, too like to compare with friends, regard face as more important than anything, always compare those classmates with good grades with him, if he does not do well, his father will feel very faceless in front of others, and then when he comes home, he will break his thoughts and tell him: "How you should be, you should be so", his father's original intention is actually to take others to stimulate his fighting spirit and make him study harder. However, at the beginning, he still had the psychology of comparison in his heart, but in the long run, under the comparison again and again, he did not achieve the effect expected by his father, and slowly the whole person began to become inferior, lost self-confidence, and began to be bored with school, and the long-term depression made him more and more less energetic and without fighting spirit.
Xiao Wen did not have the courage or self-confidence to try new things, and was full of confusion and fear for the future. In my conversations with him, I found that the reason he became this way was also because his father played a decisive factor in the way he was raised. His father was the quintessential empiricist. For example, Xiao Wen usually likes to play basketball, his father always said that after playing basketball, he can't become an athlete, let him study well; in high school, he likes to draw and wants to apply for a special class, his father said, it is useless to learn these, or to study well. In his father's opinion, nothing else mattered except to study. As a result, not only did he not read well, but he also lost his interests and hobbies under the discipline of his father, and he had no special skills. Because he was bound by his father's values since he was a child, he did not realize that he had fallen into the strange circle of desire.
In short, overemphasizing "it should be" and trying so hard is mostly due to excessive desire. In addition, the essence of excessive desire, or "I want to be praised for trying so hard", or "because you have been working hard, you still want to do better things", and so on.
Cultivating your own subjective consciousness or your own judgment is to do whatever you want, as long as you like it (of course, the premise is not to do things that violate the law), it is very important to read well, and establish your own correct three views in books, but at the same time, it is also essential to cultivate your own interests and hobbies, if you take "what others do, I must do that", such a person must not be happy, and will live very hard. Because I didn't want to do that, but forced myself to act, carrying too much will become more and more unmotivated.
<h1 class="pgc-h-decimal" data-index="02" > don't try to change others, because it's impossible, you can only change yourself. </h1>
Nakamura said: "It is very difficult to change the personality or behavior of others, so it is more important to find ways to create happiness yourself." It is as simple as possible to interact with people who can't come together, try not to trouble each other as much as possible, don't let them become a burden on your thinking, and maintain intimate interactions with people who have common topics or are compatible. ”
Nakamura wrote about her marriage in "Worth it on Earth," when she married a surgeon at the age of 27. Before getting married, friends introduced her current husband to her and said that the man was "a very good person", but after marriage, Nakamura Tsuniko found that it was not as good as her friend said. Because his husband's character is not bad, but he especially loves to drink, likes to walk after drinking, and especially likes to invite guests to dinner, he does not think about family affairs at all, he has to drink with a group of people every night, and then spends his salary in a big way, and he can't count on his income to support the family.
Just like many family conflicts, every time you say it, you must change it, but it won't be long before you start doing the same thing again. The same is true of Nakamura's husband, who threatens him with a divorce agreement, but soon starts doing the same thing again.
After many times like this, Nakamura finally understood that it was a waste of effort to change this person. So, in order to make the family happy, Nakamura Beiko began to work her own, no longer counting on any income from her husband.
Where did Nakamura's grievances and pressures go? She often talks badly about her husband when communicating with patients, and in this way vents the pressure and dissatisfaction in her heart.
Everyone can find their own way to vent their emotions. Because of my work, XiaoWen and I can talk together during the Spring Festival every year, but when I saw him again last year, I found that he had changed a lot, although the change was not very big.
During the Spring Festival, I asked him to hang out with him, and found that he was no longer as inferior as before, and the whole person looked much more energetic and more confident. I asked him what happened? He said: "Before, I was very confused and full of fear for my whole life, but deep down in my heart I still wanted to change myself, because I knew that there was no way to change my father." So he told me about his experience in the past few years.
As people grew older, he slowly communicated with his father, and under the influence of the family environment for a long time, he became very introverted and inferior. Probably after graduating from college, he first entered the society like a headless fly and could not find the direction of life, the major of college was too biased, coupled with no skills to lean on, the resume thrown out was like a stone sinking into the sea, and the interview repeatedly hit the wall. He finally made up his mind to learn a skill that would at least feed himself. During the period, I don't know how much suffering he suffered, how much grievance he swallowed alone, but now he is already an excellent designer, working in a small company, although life is not superior, but at least food and clothing.
I asked him, "Do you hate your father?"
He said: "I used to hate, but now I don't hate, I know that the thoughts of people in their time are very different from those of our generation, and as they walk more and more places, the more people they see, and slowly they can understand what kind of thinking they are."
In his words, I could hear that although he did not hate, he may still have some complaints.
<h1 class="pgc-h-decimal" data-index="03" > if you realize that you are always alone, you don't expect too much from others</h1>
In life we are attracted to all kinds of temptations of desire. Expectations of others are actually a reflection of interpersonal relationships, and they are also not independent enough to fully make decisions for themselves, so when things are undecided, they always expect others to help you or solve you. There are not a few people who are troubled by this kind of relationship.
Above we said that we can maintain intimate interactions with people who are compatible, and our interactions with those who are not compatible should be as simple as possible. For anyone, do not have too much expectations for anything, otherwise it is possible that the greater the expectation, the greater the disappointment, when things can be done by themselves or decided by themselves, if you need and get the help of friends, then sincerely say "thank you".
This is not to say that you don't build trusting relationships with others, don't make friends, and live your life alone. What we want to emphasize is the independence of the mind, and in the mind we must realize that we are always just a person, and we will not expect too much from others. As an independent person, you can instead associate with the people you want to make friends with and build good interpersonal relationships.
<h1 class="pgc-h-decimal" data-index="04" > it's not natural that someone else does something for you</h1>
Nakamura said, "Don't take personal gifts for granted, thank you for what you've got, and don't ask for more."
There are always friends around me who say things like this: "The leader does not guide me", "colleagues do not help me", "friends do not help me" and other words, and there are not a few people in life who complain about others for "inaction" and "non-help". But in retrospect, it's not advisable to ask someone else to "do something for me" or "someone else must help me." In particular, the idea that "it is natural for others to do this" is even more inexplicable.
If you hold such a thought, then the gratitude will gradually fade. Such thoughts are a key factor hindering the good development of interpersonal relationships, and they are trapped in unnecessary loss or trouble. Conversely, if you feel that what others are doing for you is not taken for granted, we will be grateful for the little things in life.