The most distant distance in the world is not life and death, but I stand in front of you and you can't understand what I'm saying. Since when, we have always tended to replace communication with quarrels and yelling and even fists.
I have a cousin, and we all call him Xiao Lang. He also has a sister who is eight years away from him.
Xiao Lang's relationship with his parents has always been very stiff, but he likes to play with his sister, but her sister only comes home during the Spring Festival when she goes to college outside for a year, and Xiao Lang often feels lonely and bored.
My sister raised a little hamster when she was in junior high school, and then she gave it away when she went to high school. Xiao Lang thought it was funny, so he also bought one to raise. He cherished the little hamster so much that when he was not in school, he could watch the hamster in the house for a whole day.
Every time Xiao Lang's father saw him jumping around the hamster happily, shouting "really cute" and "fantastic", he said incomprehensibly: "This thing has bacteria, and it costs money and trouble, telling you not to raise it or raise it, it is true." ”
Once, Xiao Lang really couldn't stand his father's sneering, so he yelled, "Are you going to fight?" ”
When his father heard this, he was furious and immediately slapped Xiao Lang. This slap completely engulfed the anger, so the two fought. Xiao Lang, who has already gone to high school, is taller and stronger than his father, and his father seems to be a little weak but refuses to give up.
Xiao Lang was even more convinced that it was useless to say anything to his father, and there was really nothing to say between them.
I have a male classmate who always complains that his wife is always angry and angry about things. So, gradually, when his wife was angry, he didn't want to coax her, and he just hung there alone and waited for the gas to subside without communicating or doing nothing.
His wife said very angrily: "I have never been angry for no reason, nor have I asked for too much, you know it, you know where your problems are, but you just never change those bad problems." Every day to tell you that eating dinner after eight o'clock is not good for the liver, your current physical condition is not suitable for staying up late, you still hold a mobile phone every day to play until four or five o'clock in the morning, sleepy like a dog during the day, why bother? Is it that hard to take a shower and go to bed early? You say change all day, change two days and go back, two years, again and again, I really can't stand it. ”
After knowing the reason why her wife was angry, I actually thought he was a good scum. He was so stubborn that he couldn't listen to anything, so much so that I felt incomprehensible.
As time went on, his wife thought of divorce, because she felt that her husband was a piece of rotten wood, and it was useless to say anything to him, and there was nothing to say between them.
Little Orange's job is foreign trade, and most of the work every day is to deal with customers.
Once a customer contacted him and said he wanted a sample of the product to be tested. He has not fully understood the real needs of customers to customers, so he hurriedly made samples, and the result was tossed back and forth several times, which did not meet the needs of customers.
Then, the customer was silent, and no matter how Little Orange contacted the customer, he did not get a reply.
Once I went to the customer on a business trip, I learned about the customer's use scenarios on the ground and realized that the samples I gave to the customers were completely contrary to the needs. Wasted time and effort, as the saying goes, "thankless."
My friend once told me that one of her colleagues asked her to help with a work task, but when she asked her colleague when she had a problem, her colleague's answer was completely wrong, which made her feel so mad that she didn't know how to get the job done.
Whether it's a client or a colleague, if you don't listen carefully at the beginning, it's tantamount to playing the piano to the cow, and the end result is that what others say to you is useless.
The father ignores the son's loneliness, the son ignores the father's concerns; the husband ignores the wife's concern; the workplace ignores the needs of the client or colleague – these misunderstandings stem from not learning to listen.
Indeed, it is useless to say anything to someone who does not know how to listen, and it is tiring to communicate with them. In the end you can only say disappointedly, "There's nothing more to say."
Listening is a discipline, so what is true listening?
Marshall Luxemburg wrote in the book Nonviolent Communication:
In order to listen to others, we need to let go of our existing thoughts and judgments and immerse ourselves in understanding each other.
The Israeli philosopher Martin Buber described this: "Despite all the similarities, every moment of life is like a newborn baby, a new face that we have never seen and can never see again." We cannot dwell on the past, nor can we foresee our reactions. We need to feel change without prejudice. We need to listen with all our hearts
That is to say, calmly, objectively, and without mixing with personal subjective emotions, listen to the other party's words and think about the observations, feelings, needs, and requests contained therein from the perspective of the other party.
However, it's not easy to listen to others wholeheartedly, especially when people are swayed by emotions or indulge in themselves. So how?
Marshall mentions a Buddhist aphorism in his book:
Don't rush to do anything, stand there.
The most important thing is to know how to manage your emotions, not to be swayed by emotions to your thinking, if you really can't control yourself, then avoid consuming all the negative emotions, calm down and then communicate.
Think differently, think of yourself as the other person, and put yourself in the other person's shoes to feel the psychology of the other party.
Of course, this is also the same as exam revision, you have to consciously remind yourself to complete these actions, perhaps after some practice, and then you can form a conditioned reflex, whenever you encounter the same situation, the brain can naturally respond and direct the body and mind to make the correct movements.
You will find that between people, it is just a distance to listen!