Today I went to the driving school to practice driving, and a post-00 girl has been chatting with me enthusiastically.
Ask me what I do for a job, where my home is, which star I like...
I can only smile politely, or answer briefly and never want to ask: What about you?
In fact, I still think that the girl has a good personality from the bottom of my heart, but I really have no interest in chatting with strangers.
At the end she said you're really bored, and then I smiled a little and stopped talking.
If others had said I was bored in the first two years, I would have been nervous and would have rushed to find a topic to reply to with enthusiasm.
But now I'm too lazy to take care of it, and I say I just don't like to talk.
I was an introvert when I was young, and my communication skills were also very poor.
I used to be very upset that my personality was really too unlikable, and I was especially envious of those who had an optimistic and cheerful personality and could speak the truth.
Many times I think about pushing myself, but I feel even more unhappy.
After I got to work, I found that I could still do a good job in my favorite field.
Although the introversion and slow heat aspect is still as often misunderstood and disapproved by others as before, I don't think of it as a part that must be changed.
Some things are not wanted at all since they are not available.
When I think about it, when I am happiest when I am alone, I feel very relaxed when I am quiet and alone, and I am open to talk to myself.
I've really thought about why I've made this shift.
Later, I found that in fact, the ultimate topic of everyone's growth is to find themselves and become themselves.
I remember visiting Station B before and seeing an interview with a Peking University girl.
She has a doctorate in political science and calls herself a small-town youth (taken from a small county town in the 18th line).
In the video, she wears a black baseball cap and talks to the camera.
"Now my undergraduate classmates ask me about something, and they expect me to say a blockbuster opinion, but in fact, I am a mortal, and many feelings are like others, and they also come from life."
"You expect me to say the answer that makes you wow, and it puts a lot of pressure on me."
Probably a lot of people have felt this way.
Parents, friends, colleagues, passers-by... We seem to be expected all the time.
Some people expect you to be cheerful and lively, some people expect you to be emotionally intelligent online, left and right, and some people expect you to become a perfect lover's girlfriend.
To put it bluntly, everyone has expectations of you from their own standpoint.
He hopes, she hopes, they hope...
Everyone wants you to be what they want to be, but not, be yourself.
People will hear countless expectations and persuasions throughout their lives, and even if they cover their ears, they will still be affected by the noisy sounds around them.
In my own case, my parents are almost even parents who don't have any requirements.
But when the college entrance examination ended, they would also suggest to me: "Don't apply for literature..."
I also responded to their expectations, and the major of the university newspaper was the science and engineering subject they chose.
After that, I spent four years competing with professional courses, and finally achieved nothing.
Because I'm not good at computer programming at all.
Later, I spent three years making up my mind to change the way of life - interdisciplinary examination and research, power generation for love.
It was a tough process and there was no one to support it.
"You shouldn't waste your precious few years betting on an unknown future."
It was so loud and so reasonable that I almost backed off.
But there was always a faint voice in my heart ringing: What if? What if I could really?
So I'm now sharing this story with you with open enthusiasm.
Luckily, I'm a girl who knows how to stop losses and change in time.
But the more people, as they soberly walk into the dark tunnels, that's the most painful.
Because they think so, not meeting the expectations of their parents is not filial piety, not listening to the opinions of others is not polite, ideals and reality are originally disconnected, and it is not a big deal to lose...
But sometimes, the care and expectations of others are like snow, falling continuously, and finally crushing people.
"Silent Confessions" tells such a story:
Hannah's sister Lydia is dead.
She was a lonely fifteen-year-old girl from a mixed-race family.
My mother lost the opportunity to become a doctor because of family reasons; my father suffered from prejudice because he was of Chinese descent.
Mothers want their daughters to excel in medicine; fathers want their daughters to imitate the lifestyles and rhythms of their classmates and live a safe and stable life.
"I love you, you don't want to be trapped by family life like I am."
"Go make friends and keep smiling; if you don't want to smile, force yourself to laugh."
Lydia lives in fear all day long.
She was afraid that her mother would run away from home as she had done in the past, that her father would collapse as a result, that the whole family would fall apart again.
So whenever her parents asked her "do you want to..." she would give an affirmative answer.
She was careful to maintain the balance of this fragile family.
It's like an exchange of benefits: I meet your expectations, and you don't leave this home.
Every string of Lydia was tight, except for her brother Ness, which was loose.
For her, only Ness, who had witnessed her going through it, could understand her, reach out to the bottom of the water, and keep her from drowning.
Sadly, Ness also wanted to escape.
Ness was not valued by his parents, but his experience growing up savagely in the rainstorm from childhood taught him to ask for help.
He went to college and started his own life.
But it also left Lydia with no hope, and she lost the last person who could listen to her.
So in the end, she became a dry duck drowning in "love".
After reading this book, I was particularly heartbroken.
Because there is my shadow in Lydia in the story, and maybe you.
Because it is always expected, only obedience and commitment can be delivered.
Finally overwhelmed by anticipation.
A long time ago, I came across a poem that I forgot, which basically means:
In April, I went through every stage of my life: going to school, working, getting married, having children, widowhood, growing old.
But in the last April before I died, I don't know what kind of flowers bloomed in April.
Just like this, pushed by the torrent of time, squeezed by the eager expectations of others, missing every spring and every cherry tree.
I would like to borrow the words from the book "Silent Confessions" to express myself to every child who sees this place (including myself):
All our lives, we want to get rid of the expectations of others and find our true selves.
At this moment, the article is written here, and I inadvertently look up to find that the moon outside the window is crooked and just right.
So sorry to say goodbye to everyone, I don't want to continue writing tonight.
I want to take a hard look at the moon.