"Because I'm a Woman" is the title of the book, Surprise, Curiosity. Holding it in his hand, he bowed respectfully to it, "When you meet for the first time, please take more care." ”
Because I'm female, I chose Because I'm Female. I wonder, what exactly is this book with the meaning of a women's manifesto trying to tell me? How many stories are waiting for me to open?
Some people say: "Marry a man who does not marry a mother, and marry a wife without marrying a brother and a demon."
"Ma Bao Nan" and "Fu Di Demon" have been mentioned more and more in recent years, and they are also demonized by more and more people, and the reason is that they bring too much harm to people. And this kind of harm often comes from their own mother, their own female identity.
"Because I Am a Woman" tells us that mothers have a decisive influence on the personality of their daughters. If a daughter does not want to live like her mother, she can only live her true self by re-understanding her relationship with her mother and healing intergenerational trauma.
The author of this book, Hou Yuzhen, is a national second-level psychological counselor and a registered psychologist of the Chinese Psychological Association, who has been committed to the development and research of "women" for many years, and focuses on helping women achieve growth from the inside.
"Because I Am a Woman" was evaluated by wu Zhihong, our senior psychological counselor and best-selling author of psychology: "I believe this book will touch countless women. ”
One: Recognize intergenerational trauma
What is intergenerational trauma? The book "Because I Am a Woman" puts it this way: "A mother who has had trauma, her children will also experience trauma, which is what we call intergenerational trauma." ”
Motherhood is an important and sometimes even the main identity of a woman, which carries all the value and meaning of a woman's life. Especially in the past, in the era of male inferiority and female superiority, the mother was considered to be the identity of the heir apparent. There was also a saying that "marrying a wife does not destroy three generations", which shows how important the identity of the mother is.
A virtuous wife, who will also be a virtuous mother, can educate excellent girls. When a girl marries into her husband's family, she brings more positive energy to her husband's family, and then follows her mother's teachings to educate her next generation, then the next generation will naturally inherit her mother's fine traditions and continue to be excellent.
But if this mother had been neglected, rejected, abused, and treated so much unfairly, she must have been scarred. After such a woman becomes a mother, it is easy to bring intergenerational trauma to her children. And this intergenerational trauma can easily be passed on by children who are also female.
Once, when a friend of the author gave birth to her first child, she went to visit the hospital and prepared to say hello to her friend. But the friend's face is not as happy as a new mother, but gloomy and sad. And her mother was apologizing to her eldest son-in-law for giving birth to a girl. In order to give birth to a boy, this friend actually gave birth to three children in succession.
How shocking the move is. It is not difficult to see that the friend's obsession with having a boy is exactly the same as her mother. The mother suffered a gender disaster when she was a little girl, and at this time she was educating her daughter with actions to make her daughter suffer the same experience. This is the "tragedy" of intergenerational trauma. Such a repetition of the same mistake is really sad and sad.
Since our mother has influenced us so much, if we were born into a traumatic family, would a girl have to live her life sadly? No, if you know how to heal intergenerational wounds and find a way to self-redemption, you will still live a colorful life.
Two: How to deeply heal intergenerational trauma
The author herself has experienced the problems of female identity and is therefore in trouble, but she has climbed out of the abyss again and again, rewritten her life, and set a good example for all girls. This book is the author's practical product, she will lead the girls step by step out of the "cycle of fate" and achieve their own perfect life.
Step 1: Separation and maintaining your own psychological boundaries
Life is a fantastic journey, there will be too many experiences in the journey, and separation is one of the experiences.
When we start with the croak, we and our mother will experience the first separation, and the separation of the umbilical cord makes us two separate individuals. As children grow, we need more mental space to grow for ourselves. At this time, it is necessary to carry out psychological separation from the mother, and at the same time draw a psychological boundary with the mother.
Drawing a psychological boundary with your mom can be divided into four steps:
Awareness: Look for core experiences and beliefs to identify the so-called inner mother's voice.
Reflection: Through reflection, we can bring ourselves back to our real relationship.
Rejection: Set a bottom line and protect yourself.
Expression: We can express ourselves gently but firmly.
Step 2: Mourning and facing the lost mother's love to find true emotions
Our whole lives are facing loss, and people are always torn between gain and loss. In the face of the loss of maternal love, only mourning can make us let go of the past, get out of the shadows, and live in the present.
Childhood trauma is not easy to give up, but only by facing this trauma can we find a way to redeem ourselves.
The process of mourning requires three steps: facing reality, accepting, and transforming
Facing reality, accepting grief, and completing mourning is a difficult and worthwhile process.
Step 3: Self-love and healing the absence of maternal love
Face the trauma of mother's love, mourn the loss of mother's love, and learn self-love in the long and difficult process. Self-love begins with self-acceptance, accepting one's imperfections, getting rid of self-criticism and self-loathing. Then learn to be self-pleasing and self-caring
Psychologist Irvin Yalom put it in his memoir", "You may not be a better version of yourself, but you can be better yourself." ”
Step 4: Reconciliation and re-establishment of a healthy mother-daughter relationship
In the process of mourning, we find ourselves and learn self-love. But in the world of feelings, you may be deeply troubled by trauma, at this time, please do not resent your parents, try to jump out, re-examine from the perspective of a third party, maybe you will find more helplessness behind it, and thus begin to understand all this.
Acceptance itself is hard, then forgiveness is even harder. But only forgiveness can repair the wounds of the past, so that the wounds will not be passed on from generation to generation. Let go of the past, let go of expectations, be ourselves, and re-establish our own healthy mother-daughter relationship.
Step 5: Identify and strive to find your true self
Self-identification is a sense of recognition of what you think and do. Only by self-identification can we find our true selves. Female identity is not embarrassing, female identity is not humble, female identity is a beauty that men cannot reach.
Virtuous wives can be blessed for three generations, which is a recognition of women. With this recognition, we can re-complete our self-identification and find our true selves.
Step 6: Develop and become a better version of yourself
How to become a better self is to continue to develop towards the ideal self on the basis of self-identification. First of all, you have to recognize yourself, otherwise everything is empty talk. Everyone has expectations of others, and certainly no exception to themselves. This expectation is the ideal self, and the reasonable ideal self is the driving force for your continuous efforts.
It is important for your ideal self to remember to raise your self-esteem. Respect for yourself allows people to see your little stubbornness and will not trample on all your efforts. The higher your self-esteem level, the more powerful you are inside and the more confident you are.
Break through the limitations of the self, learn to be responsible for yourself, and you will get closer and closer to your ideal self.
Step Seven: Break through and become an independent and free woman
In today's society, everyone is talking about independence and freedom, so what is independence and freedom?
Independence refers to the dual independence of the economy and the spirit.
Economic independence is the basis of spiritual independence, but it cannot be swayed by money; spiritual independence is more important.
Spiritual independence consists of three parts:
- Have ideals and pursuits and can practice them.
- Have independent opinions and thinking skills and be able to do self-reflection.
- Have a brave heart, take responsibility for your own life; dare to challenge all kinds of unreasonable and unfair.
Freedom is inner freedom, not bound by the past, not bound by the self, allowing feelings to flow, expressing oneself.
Understand the independence and freedom, and be brave to continue to pursue and be a new woman.
Write at the end:
Hou Yuzhen said in "Because I Am a Woman": "A good enough mother can adjust herself to the growth state of her children. ”
In the process of the development of human civilization, from girls to wives to mothers, women have more and more space to be themselves, and they no longer need to be in the position of others and subordinates.
Only by re-examining the relationship with the mother, finding the source of the trauma, seeing it, repairing it, seeing yourself through the mother, healing yourself, understanding yourself, and changing yourself, can you regain the strength of life and become more powerful to be yourself.