There is a well-known line in the movie "Black Swan":
"Perfection is not about control, it's about release."
The biggest embarrassment in life is that "you have a sea in your eyes, but you can't tolerate my half blue."
We all hate being controlled, but we are always inadvertently controlling others, getting worse and worse and not even knowing it.
Throughout the ages, countless facts have proved that your desire for control is destroying the people you love the most.
"I sometimes really want to be able to be like the protagonist in a movie, have a superpower, so that I can go back 26 years and kill myself." 」
This is a girl named Xiaoyu, who made a wish to her mother on her 26th birthday.
Give somebody the creeps.
Xiaoyu is the protagonist of the feminist monologue drama "Hear Her Say" and "Make a Wish", and has been dependent on her mother since she was a child.
Her mother cultivated her talent, gave up her career and gave up life.
However, as she grew older, she became more and more difficult to bear her mother's "love":
She was required to answer the phone within three rings, even if she was in class, in a meeting, or on an outing;
Her first love ended up breaking up with her mother hanging herself, and the boy said to her, "Your mother is terrible";
Although she is no longer a child, she is still afraid that which words, which actions, which eyes she will make her mother angry...
The mother's desire for control makes her unconfident, unloving, and painful:
"You often tell me that there is only one person in the world who loves me, and that is you. But your love makes me feel so suffocated. ”
If Xiao Yu, played by Yang Zi, also tries to communicate with her mother to get rid of control, then Lin Hui in "Cold Case" resists control in an extreme way.
Lin Hui's father, Teacher Lin, took good care of her, from childhood to adulthood, and has been accurately planning everything about her, from eating and dressing to reading and going to school.
After the college entrance examination, she even secretly tampered with her college entrance examination volunteers, calling it "for her good".
At the moment of getting the college notice, Lin Hui completely broke out, she was fed up with being at the mercy of her father all the time, and she wanted to have her own life.
So, she and her first love, a boy who was "worthless" in her father's mouth, ran away from home and eventually fell into the dust.
A sigh.
Psychiatrist Stella Chees wrote in his book "Your Child Is Human": "A child is not a small robot that needs to be controlled by a parent with a program.
However, many parents do not understand this truth.
Under the banner of "loving children", they take themselves as the starting point, and feel that children "should" be, "must" how, otherwise they are disobedient, filial piety, and the future is bleak.
In fact, they do not love the child, but the feeling of controlling the child's life.
Isn't that selfish?
Every child is an independent individual, they have their own emotions, they have their own thoughts, they have their own privacy.
We must admit that even if we are reluctant, they will eventually be separated from us.
So, let go of the desire to control, what we have to do is to give the child respect and love, and wait for the flowers to bloom.
Taiwanese anchor Hou Peichen is the "white moonlight" in the hearts of many people.
She has a dignified appearance, a steady handling, no leakage, and has always been praised for her high emotional intelligence.
However, in the variety show "Mother-in-law and Mother 2", her high-spirited businessman setup collapses, because of the lingering desire for control.
In the program, her husband Huang Baijun got up early to hold an online business meeting and did not finish eating the eggs boiled by Hou Patzen.
So she opened a serial of questions:
"Why didn't you finish eating?"
"Since you can't finish eating, why didn't you say it earlier?"
"Eggs are specially prepared for you, do you understand things like this?"
The husband stood helplessly, like a child who had done something wrong.
In the afternoon, Hou Peichen danced with her mother to exercise, and she had to pull her husband who was completely uninterested to join.
The husband looked embarrassed, but he was embarrassed to refuse, so he obediently changed into a sportswear.
As a result, the mother and daughter jumped vigorously, but the husband was playing with the mobile phone on the side, embarrassed to the point of not being able to do it.
Finally, taking advantage of their lack of attention, they sneaked into the room.
Throughout the show, Hou Patzen has been telling her husband what she "should" do: thank her mother, rest early, exercise...
Breathtaking.
In the interview, even Hou Patzen herself said that she felt that her husband was with her, and she was not even with her mother easily.
Many times, when she speaks, he just responds blindly, but he is not brainy, not distracted, how to do it or how, as if completely shielding her.
No wonder netizens joked that Hou Peichen's husband seemed to be rented.
Psychologically speaking, the desire to control usually stems from inner uneasiness, and those who are cautious, perfect, and always unsure in their hearts want to gain a sense of control.
Hou Patzen, who was born as an "illegitimate daughter", has been insecure since childhood, so she is afraid of losing her husband and unconsciously wants to control this intimate relationship.
The more uneasy the heart, the stronger the desire to control, and the reality is really unable to control one by one, so the heart is more uneasy, thus entering a vicious circle.
This vicious circle escalates to the end, that is, deliberately hurting your lover, whether it is peeking at the mobile phone, tracking and locating the other party, or direct domestic violence, will ruin this intimate relationship.
Zhou Guoping once said that every intimate relationship is ultimately a journey to the self.
Therefore, the smartest thing in marriage is not to pay too much attention to each other, but to pay more attention to self-growth and keep yourself attractive, so that you can completely eliminate your inner uneasiness, completely let go of your desire to control, and give each other maximum freedom.
After all, the sense of security is given by oneself.
There is a popular question on the Internet:
"What if you have a very controlling friend?"
Netizen @ wide is king The answer given is: no friendship.
She recounted her poignant past with Fa Xiao.
From a young age, Fa Xiao will be critical of her, especially like to play the role of "life mentor".
She must like what she likes; if she doesn't like it, she must not like it.
Otherwise, you will suffer endless ridicule and hostility.
Over time, she always felt that she was doing something wrong, did not have the confidence to make any judgments, and did not even dare to say what she liked out loud.
Until one day, another friend of hers woke her up: "Do you have masochistic tendencies?" That's what controls you! ”
It dawned on her that she had almost lost herself in order to be consistent with Fa Xiao.
So, she began to consciously keep a distance from Fa Xiao, and gradually, Fa Xiao also noticed this change, and after a big fight between the two, she completely broke off friendship.
Although many times, sending small suggestions is really good for her, she does not regret her choice:
"No one likes life to be pointed out."
The desire for control can make years of friendship collapse, and it can set off unnecessary storms in the workplace.
The company once had a leader, who was a very controlling person.
From the way of communication with the cooperation department to the promotion of the cooperation project, he is "one word" and does not allow his subordinates to have their own working habits and working methods.
Later, knowing that what he said was wrong, no one objected, and still did what he wanted, allowing the project to bid for Waterloo.
In the end, he was dissuaded by the company because of a "major mistake", and none of his colleagues read him well.
In the field of social psychology, there is a comfortable distance in the relationship between people, that is, "interpersonal distance", from which the concept of a sense of boundaries is born.
Whether it is the small hair who points fingers, or the strong and domineering leader, they lack the necessary sense of boundaries, often make people want to be estranged, and the interpersonal relationship is naturally a mess.
The Russian writer Bondarev once said: "The root cause of all human suffering stems from the lack of a sense of border." ”
Each person has its own characteristics, each person has its own mission, and each person has its own wonderfulness.
True wise people will know the depths, know how to advance and retreat, embrace all kinds of rivers, seek common ground while reserving differences, and give you the warmth of the spring breeze in the "gentleman's friendship is as light as water".
Such interpersonal relationships are healthy and long-lasting, and can achieve win-win goals.
The desire for control is something that everyone has, it is deep in the subconscious, and often occurs before it even reacts.
In the field of psychotherapy, we can consciously change our behavior patterns, put a buffer on the desire to control, and let this controlled emotion slowly dissolve.
When we're annoyed that others aren't acting the way we want them to, we might as well take a deep breath and ask ourselves a few more questions:
Why do you have to do what you want?
Why are you right?
Have you become a control freak again?
What happens if I don't control it?
……
Slowly, you will increase your awareness of emotions and accept yourself, others, and the world.
May you and I all let go of the obsession of control as soon as possible, and feel the beauty of family, friendship and love with our hearts.
After all, life is short, and the world is worth it.
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Author | Yu Wei
Image | Visual China, Network (Infringement Contact Removal)