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In recent years, the emergence of the original family has made many people look for the root cause of some problems from their childhood experiences, and in psychological therapy, the psychoanalytic school Freud will let the client "trace the source".
The so-called "Trace the source" actually refers to allowing the visitor to recall his childhood experiences.
This in-depth self-analysis is also to emphasize the influence of the original family on the individual, this influence is invisible, has been internalized into the human subconscious and unconscious, in love, in the choice of mate, in the maintenance of marriage your childhood experience is "manipulating" you.
Why do you like that type of person, why you tend to this kind of personality, and why you choose a certain way of getting along in a relationship, these are all choices that are close to the subconscious level of people, and love is also the epitome and projection of childhood.
Have you ever wondered why you chose such a love, why your needs in love are these, and why you are always attracted to a type of person? You should think about whether childhood is projected into your love.
Whether lucky or unlucky the original family will play a role in your love.
The Unfortunate Family of Origin: The Over-Compensatory Effect and Self-Defense Mechanisms
The over-compensation effect here refers to the mentality of over-expecting others to compensate themselves because their own needs are not met, and the starting point of this thinking and cognition is only to protect themselves, and it is also the embodiment of a self-defense mechanism.
Many unlucky people in their original families will have this mentality, believing that the suffering they have experienced should be best compensated for by themselves, and they will also be excessively eager for the realization of some needs, which will greatly affect their choice of love.
Zhang Ailing is a famous female writer in the Republic of China period, the free and free Zhang Ailing actually had an unfortunate childhood, and the painful experience in her childhood made her extremely eager for love and warmth, which was the most missing thing in her childhood.
She has always been an arrogant and lonely person, she also longs for love and tenderness, Hu Lancheng's disguise just meets her needs, and the bumpy life begins, in fact, Zhang Ailing pays special attention to feelings, because this is what she dreamed of when she was a child.
Many people will repay others for their little goodness, and in love, they will continue to forgive, constantly lower their posture, and excessively cherish the lack of childhood relationships, but also from the compensation effect brought about by the lack.
However, an unhappy family will not only make a person have a desire for warmth, but also make people resist love, because they grew up in this kind of family with discordant parents, and all they see is the bad and evil of marriage.
A large number of people will show alienation and indifference to intimate relationships, which is just a self-defense mechanism within the heart. Excessive injury can make people long for redemption, longing for warmth, but also making people hate emotions and fear emotions.
Happy Birth Family: Oedipus Complex and Elektra Complex
In the field of psychology, Bandura, a representative of the New Behaviorist school, proposed the famous social observation theory.
The theory is that young children will continue to observe others in the process of growing up, imitate others and thus get a certain degree of reinforcement and acquire social life skills and behavior choices.
In the unfortunate original family, children will see many pains and disturbances in life, and in a happy family, they will see the beautiful side of love, and they will also have a certain worship of their father or mother.
In general, girls' worship of their fathers is called the Electra complex, and boys' worship of their mothers is called the Oedipus complex, and many people in psychology will treat these two complexes slightly pejoratively.
This is extremely evident in those who grow up in happy families, and the emotional intimacy of parents is a positive impact on children, which will be reflected in their handling and maintenance of relationships, as well as in mate selection.
Compared with those whose families are not happy, they prefer their partners to be like their fathers or their own mothers, so they are more likely to fall in love because of the similarity between the other party and their parents of the opposite sex.
The famous humanistic psychologist Adler, in his "Inferiority and Transcendence", also emphasized the important influence of childhood experience on the adulthood of individuals, which is far-reaching and lasting, and often imperceptible.
There will always be a certain type of person, always eager for the realization of certain needs, many people will attribute this inexplicable behavior and choice to fate, in fact, this is not an illusory fate, this is the impact of your childhood experience on you.
Childhood experience will largely affect the type of attachment of people, an intimate relationship, a love that requires the mutual attachment of two people, and attachment is also a type, different types will affect the longevity and maintenance of a love.
Generally speaking, there are four types: safe (low anxiety, low avoidance), obsessive type (low avoidance, high anxiety), alienation type (high avoidance, low anxiety), and fear type (high avoidance, high anxiety).
Avoidance here can be understood as resistance and fear of establishing an intimate relationship, while anxiety is understood as the degree of concern for the relationship, often doubting the intimate relationship, and it is difficult to deal with contradictions and disputes in the intimate relationship. Many people are always unable to maintain their emotions in love and in intimate relationships, or always fall in the same place, and they themselves cannot explain it, because subconsciously they are being manipulated by their "forgotten childhood".
And these four attachment relationships are basically fixed in the individual's infancy, so how do they do it?
So the parents in the family have become their main objects of observation, the marriage relationship of the parents has also become an aspect of their observation, and the cognition of intimate relationships and the choice of love have slowly taken shape in observation.
Inexplicably, they will always make a big fuss about a small thing, and they will inexplicably deny a relationship because of some small things, and the unfortunate experience of childhood has made them fall into a vicious circle in maintaining intimate relationships.
The parents' imperfect marriages discourage them from loving, sometimes presenting an extremely contradictory state, longing for an intimate relationship, fearing, confident and anxious at the same time. They are also struggling to maintain love, and their parents have not taught them how to properly handle an intimate relationship.
Nor should we blame the original family too much, to accept it, but also to accept the imperfect self, the past is irretrievable, and there are many choices in the future.
- The End - Author | Magical little Edit | A grain of rice The First Psychological Writing Group | A group of young people who like to look up at the stars 参考资料：Moreland, R; Beach, S. (1992). Exposure effects in the classroom: The development of affinity among students. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology Volume 28, Issue 3, May 1992, Pages 255-276. WeChat public account: the first psychology